My Wife's Behavior Changed After Surgery - Seeking Reassurance

Hello all. I would say that I am looking for advice here, though I really am not. More reassurance, I believe. My wife of 21 years has had an emergency ileostomy this week. This was combined with a full hysterectomy. While this was unexpected, I could never have been ready for what was next. The last few days, she has been kissing me like we kissed 20 years ago, started making sexual advances towards me, and really trying to initiate that activity. I love giving her these deeply intimate moments. Deep passionate kissing and, while right now only in words, I reciprocate her advances through words and texts. Keep in mind, though, she is straight up still in the hospital. This is pretty out of character for her, and I'm concerned that this sudden life change could be affecting her psyche. It makes me sad to think that because of these changes, she has a need to chase me. I would rather her focus all her energy on healing and let me get back to chasing her. I believe it may be worthwhile to seek out a therapist. But I don't want her to know that I've noticed a change. I'm afraid I will feed her insecurities if that is what it is. I love her now as I loved her all those years ago, and I think she is just as beautiful now. Seriously, this lady hasn't changed in 20 years. Any advice would be most appreciated.

There's an old saying... "Horny wife, happy life." 😁 Okay, maybe that's not quite it, but it's Friday. Hold her hand, give her kisses, let her heal, and let her control the rest of it once she's able to, whichever way it is. You may need a therapist once she gets back on her feet. 🤭 Have a good one.

Meds she's on for pain relief etc. she's high on drugs... They affect some people like that, and others can be angry and violent. She won't really know what she's doing, and when you tell her in a few weeks' time, she will probably feel very embarrassed when she finds out how she was behaving in the hospital.

Hello OSOhubby.
When my wife had her hysterectomy, she needed to be reassured that it had not changed my feelings towards her in any detrimental way. Basically, she was feeling 'less of a woman' in her own mind. After many tender and frank discussions about all sorts of things to do with our relationship, she gradually adjusted to her new self and settled down to a cement the bond between us that we already had. 

The change of behaviour you notice is perfectly understandable given the circumstances she finds herself having to cope with.
Sometimes there is a need for an external  'therapist', but I would advise extreme caution in asking for 'outside' help for 'her' at the moment.
'YOU' are probably the best (and only)  therapist she needs to help her cope with the trauma and to stabilise her vision for her future life.

Now, If 'you' need to see someone to help 'you' in the task ahead, then that is a completely different scenario to the one where you send a message that it is somehow 'her' problems. This message may undermine her self-confidence even further (even if it is well-meaning). 
It reminds me of the proverb:  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
 I do hope that both you and your wife manage to sort this one out

Best wishes
Bill

I didn't want to be the first to suggest this, so I'm glad Ben did. I'm a 50/50 coming out of anesthesia—either combative and being held down or like a little kid with ADHD (post-op staff's words, not mine). She's on the heavy-duty meds right now and still has some chemicals leftover from the surgery. It would be good to know if she's ever been on the pain meds they'll send her home with, so you have an idea of how she's going to respond. Usually, they start giving those in the hospital before sending her home, so you should have a decent idea.
Also, you might want to check and make sure you're the sole subject of her post-surgery demeanor… I had a nurse that looked like Chris Evans one day, and I really hope I didn't embarrass myself too much around him 🤣🤣🤣

How to Get Back to Activity after Ostomy Surgery with Kimberly | Hollister

I agree with Beachboy, the best thing you can do is be there for her as much as you can. I had a hysterectomy a few years back because of severe endometriosis, and it was a little rough to go through mentally, but I can't imagine going through a hysterectomy and getting an ostomy at the same time. I'm almost 4 months post-op, and I still cry and struggle with my new normal. That in itself is a very difficult procedure to endure (I had 2 open surgeries back to back), and emotionally, I was not well. I didn't even realize that it had affected me mentally until I got home and my meds wore off; that's when I started falling apart. I'm still not 100%, but I'm getting better every day. Emotional support from a partner is probably better than from friends, I imagine. I didn't have that as I'm single, but I really would have liked someone to just be there to hug me and reassure me in my darkest times. I have great family support, but the support from a partner is probably much more important for healing on all levels. Hug her, reassure her, and tell her you love her; it goes a long, long way as women are emotional beings. Praying she recovers quickly, take care of her and yourself.

Along with the meds, she may feel that she will no longer be attractive to you after this double whammy. Assure her in whatever way you can that your feelings for her have not changed.

Hello, OSOHubby~

I had my ileostomy (due to ulcerative colitis) combined with a partial hysterectomy. My Ob-Gyn and GI surgeon performed back-to-back procedures over 7 hours. I did not experience the concerning "after effects" that your wife has, but every person, every procedure can be different.

I have a couple of thoughts on your and your wife's situation. First, speak frankly and in-depth with the surgeon(s) about your wife's behavioral changes and your concerns: your wife's extreme and unexpected behavior could be attributed to one or more things, including biochemical brain responses to the anesthesia medication(s), one or more blood clots in the brain, emotional insecurity, or other unanticipated issues.

Based upon the conversation with your wife's surgeon(s), there may be diagnostics needed to determine any underlying physical explanation for her behavior. This may be a situation that the surgeon(s) have encountered with other patients, and the surgeon(s) may have helpful insights. It may be that the assistance of a psychotherapist is needed as well, but have that talk with your wife's surgeon. It will be a good starting point in helping your wife, and yourself.

Throughout this time, continue to be your wife's greatest cheerleader. No matter the underlying cause of her behavioral changes, that loving support - alongside the knowledge and talents of your wife's medical teams - will be the foundation for her recovery.

Wishing you both well,

Lily17~

Hey OSOHubby,

I agree with everyone who is suggesting your support for her. I'm one of the ones who had a colostomy and total hysterectomy at the same time, then a few months later my fiancé left me. I don't know why exactly to this day, if it had to do with any of that or not. He had been very supportive, so I just don't know. Regardless, I'll say this: She needs you very much. And you sound like you're there for her, which is wonderful. I admire the good men and women who stick it out during the tough times. Your wife just needs your emotional support and adoration. She's a tough cookie. It's not an easy thing to have to go through, and remember—the hormones are out of whack now. Depending on her doctor's advice, she may benefit from some hormone replacement therapy; I think it has really helped me. I felt like an emotional hot mess, and hot flashes were awful, but I think it's helped with that. It's sweet that you've come here because you care enough to ask and find what will help. Good luck, and I know all will be well. It's just part of that "for better or for worse" stuff. :-) Keep being a good husband.

I didn't think too many men complained about their wives being amorous. However, my thought is that it might be that since she had a hysterectomy, her hormones are all out of whack. Maybe her level of testosterone is higher than usual for a woman. Something to think about having checked. One way of talking about it is to be light and playful about it rather than being very serious about it.

I agree. The hysterectomy, and being new to having an ostomy, is a life-changing experience but also causes so many chemical imbalances that may not be noticed by the person affected. I adore the love you have for her and the comments from Alex and Bill. It's really nice to see the old-fashioned style love one person has these days for another person.

I only had my ileo surgery a few years ago, but 25 years ago I had a hysterectomy and bowel surgery at the same time - I distinctly remember being like that while still in the hospital and my husband being baffled. It all settled down after a few weeks, and I always assumed it must have been some sudden rush of hormones as my brain and womb realized they no longer had proper communication!

It's very early; give her a few weeks at least, but definitely mention it to her surgeon if you can, as he may know why it happens.

Nothing is wrong with your wife. If I were you, I would just accept it and make the best of it. There is no reason why you both can't have fun. Live it, breathe it; what better way to be young again!

Nothing is wrong with your wife. If I were you, I would just accept it and make the best of it. There is no reason why you both can't have fun. Live it, breathe it; what better way to be young again!

Hi OSO. I think your wife loves and needs you. I'm happy you shared this with us here but beyond that, this whole experience belongs to you and your wife. Sure, the drugs are involved but the main players in this scenario are you and she. Cherish all that's good between you two now and hope for it to get even better after you both heal.

Respectfully,

Mike

Nailed it, Mike. Simply put.

Just want to thank OSO for coming here for some advice.

What a great guy. Cherish each other now more than any other time.