Cannot be bothered

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Past Member

Since having an emergency op in sept 2023 for a blood clot, they removed 126cm of small bowel and fitted me with an ilyostomy (reversible at some stage) I have literally become self conscious of what I look like and so I seem to be shying away from any kind of male interest. Chatting/dating/ the thought of having to explain it all and what I've been through. Thinking about what they would think and how they wouldn't find a "bag" attractive. I simply cannot be bothered to even maintain a chat with a man. And I'm always such a happy outgoing person. Will these feelings pass?? I'm turning into a hermit that avoids men hahaha.And yet I'd love to be in a loving relationship really, but my insecurity and tiredness - means I simply turn away from the idea of it. Normal? 

warrior

hi nikki. I understand your  frustrations and it's nothing new. the  self-conscious feeling lacking self-confidence I get that .

I started a tread exactly addressing  singles dating online..

 I've got about 500 people I think viewing it..  if you  take a look at that and read everything everybody saying there , maybe that might help you get through this..

how you can find the thread??  you go up  to the header... all the way up to the top where the icons are ...it should say " discussions"  and you press that and it'll say Treads and you press Treads and it'll say latest and current and go with the the latest and you'll find my thread there ...got a couple of guys answering and some women too and I would really think that might be helpful to you to comment..  

 why don't you check it out and let me know what you think about it?? you can reply there or you can send me a PM because this is exactly what I addressed in the thread is  that I have a stoma  a bag and it really isn't the issue..

well let me know what you think okay?? welcome aboard and happy New Year.

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Two bags

I couldn't be bothered either, I prefer being alone since my surgery in 2008, life is much better without without all that other stuff 😆

Riva

Hi.  PLEASE, PLEASE don’t let wearing and having a pouch define whom you are.   You’re an empowered woman whom should be making every day count and enjoying life to the fullest . Go for it.  Be that warrior woman that you are. 💪🌈

warrior
Reply to Two bags

Hey two bags!!! that is your preference.. to be unbothered and it's totally understandable I get that..

I read your profile and I could understand your reasons..whatever works for you.

nikki wants a relationship but is being held back . her reasons are valid. but did you check this woman out??🤭😍 she's a knock out..( oh snap. did i say that out loud?)🤦‍♂️

what I would like to know is  in regards to your motorcycles.. you said you had a kenn butt and I'm assuming your  large intestine removed and the surgery was back in 2008 ....so I'm thinking you're pretty well recovered meaning healed down there.

. do you find any difficulty in riding? I'm about 14 weeks post-op and with a kenn butt and I've got a Honda 1100 shadow.. you know the copycat Harley.. and it's got a real fat seat... it's in storage right now for winter but you know I'm just concerned how this is going to affect me riding.the kenn butt. . if it affects me?? so I was hoping you'd share any experiences or any issues you might have if you still drive or not??? how long did it take before u sat on the seat??

 I hope we can talk some more abt this.. stay frosty.  thanks.

 
Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
AlexT

Normal?….yep, to an extent. Until you get over it and figure out you’re still the same person you were, your mind will mess with you. 

Ben38

Yes normal your surgery is very recent if you said you have never felt so happy in your life before I wouldn't believe it. Your heads all over the place as to expected.

Your just not ready for a relationship at the minute that's ok take time out to accept what you have been and still going through and hopefully it wont to long until you have a reversal.

You will be surprised when your ready for a relationship with or without a bag most people aren't the slightest bit bothered about us having a bag most of the problems are caused by ourselves pushing people away from us some do without realising others on purpose I used to push people away myself. 

Let's be honest after seeing your profile photo any man would be raving mad to turn you down your a hottie!  

warrior
Reply to Ben38

Spot on Ben !!! I agree and you noticed she added  two more photos which means confidence which means sexy which means she's coming around and too bad she's  located over there.. across the pond..too bad for me..not YOU Ben..hee hee.

( I'd be on that like white on rice)😍.

she's over there in England bloody hell.🤦‍♂️🙇

AlexT
Reply to warrior

They make this thing called an airplane. ✈️ You should hop on one, fly over there, and take her out. 👍

warrior

they also make these things....🛸

where..I'd take her to the moon.🤭

Past Member
Reply to Ben38

Thanks for your response and the compliment haha x .you are right. I really am not quite ready. My confidence isn't with me at the moment. 🤗

Ben38
Reply to Anonymous

You need some Bruno Mars therapy listen to 'Just the way you are' looking in the mirror after every shower turn the volume up sing along until you get your confidence back and believe every word....keep on fighting it get's easier in time 

Jayne
Reply to warrior

Warrior,

 

You mention the KENButt - and bike seats.

Another  'experience' is found when riding a horse - in the saddle.

 

Obviously I am female - addressing this very point/s of this thread.

 

Some are specifics and others are universal :-))

 

I have also straddled a motor bike seat both as a rider and a pillion passenger - with folk whom I have trusted either infront of me or behind me - differnt experiences - one is control , the other is trust - and both are a combination of both.

 

Obviously riding a bike is different from riding a horse.  It is also a very differen`t experience whether one is a female or a male too.

 

When comparing riding  horses - being female - legs in stirrups and the exhilleration of the 'movement' within the saddle in the circumstance of trotting cantering and galloping - not to mention the lift off upon jumping a fence ... a whole range of 'feelings are involvedsome of which relate to sexual process as well as horsemanship. -

 

The tightness of the sutured bottom - makes for a different experience - for both male and females - when actually straddling a seat - even a narrow push bike seat - but I digress.

 

 

The point being , However - is one of returning to the issue of how it FEELs after healing has occurred.

 

This - in MHOppinion / experience with discussion - depends HOW one's nerves were affected during surgery - and the nature of the cause of that surgery - and how over time prior to the surgery the body was physically - but ALSO how the person WAS and has BECOME MENTALLY as a resut of cronic illness / emergency unlanned surgery / long haul management of both self motivation, and career /lfeskills options and also DESIRE.

 

With DESIRE - also is the element of aloowing fruition of desire - many elements are involved - trust letting go and self care and knowledge!

 

Irrespective of how well or otherwise we heal physically / mentally - there is definately the nerve feedback which has to be addressewd - and IMHexperience - this can CAN be overcome / compensated for too.

,

The situatin as regards how our sensations of feeling are borne - depends upon our mental way of addressing - as well as [in some instances] any limiting nerve damage.

 

We could put forward - by way of example - the manifestation of someone who can still FEEL their amputated limb.  Equally many will still FEEL that they can go through all the mental experience of a 'normal' rectum evacuation - All this stuff takes time to process.

 

However, what I would also say, is that INTENTION IS A VERY GREAT PART OF THAT WHICH WE EITHER ALLOW or POSTIVELY SELF PROMOTE ourselves to do / feel / accept etc .....  and we are definiately self limiting if we insist of erecting mental barriers in order not to 'go through again'  that which we have / currently do may perceive as 'difficult'.

 

If we think we can't - chances are we may not be able or at best be somewhat  limiting our own joyfullness in actions / reactions.

Its a cop out - because if we allow an imagined or even a real 'fear' to limit us - then by deffinition we are also convincing ourselves not to risk trying - as a consequence defeat is the result.  THe contra to that is RISKING THAT ONE MIGHTY BE ABLE - and then the rewards can be / very often ARE HUGE!

 

If we HOPE we can - and over a process of adjustment progess to feeling we might actually be able - or at leastt - willing to progress -

Then, bit by bit we inevitably DO.

.....

Sometimes surprising ourselves by suddenly finding we ARE ACTUALLY DOING that which we had reservations toward or thought we could not.

 

 

ANd so, It seems to me that we have to over come the 'trauma' element - that even the most Postively Motivated Folk have - becaause if we do not allow ourselves time to process - then we partially address our feelings and uncousiously there remain elements that can 'appear' when we least expect it.

 

In other words, the blind 'go for it' [deep breath shut your eys stuff]  does not always work - But, those who adopt this 'device'  find it a useful 'nudge' to action at times - and at times they need to revisit a limiting factor that they had either chosen to overlook or become aware of something that genuinely of which they previously ha not registered - so even the only remining  'fly in the ointment'  can be cleared up.

 

My own advice to myself - and sadly I am not always 100% good at following it - IS LOVE YOURSELF - LEARN TO BE GENTLE WITH ONESELF - and the rest will follow.

 

Experiement by degrees if unsure - of anything.

One need not have an audience when one goes about exploring how one feels.

 

Likewise sometimes, it can be the best thing after an accident or a Happening - to try and overcome that gut withdrawal - and immediately get right on back onto the bike seat - your horses sadlle etc as soon as possible - but acknoledge any difficuties one feel whilst doing so - [not recommended following surgery however - take astock - ask your medics too].

 

One can ACTUALLY be naturally at ease and truly accepting whilst still keeping an open mind and gently pushing, or self encouraging as one becomes more at ease  .

 

Intimacy is something that it seems to me is so often affected by past expeiences - and often the individual concerned remains only partially aware of these - and as such remains vulnerable and is held back as a consquence.

 

So Best Wishes for a gentle and honest exploration -

Little by little .

 

One other final thing - perhaps a lot of us should try and be mindful of - our own Egoes - sometimes they do not serve us - particularly if they become over developed or underplayed - The 'secret' - if ther is one - to Progress - is BALANCE.

 

One canot walk a tight rope wthout balance.

We do not feel warm and appreciate this - if we have never experienced coldness.

 

Best Wishes

Jayne

 

BTW Harleys are special - equally so are aerial 650s and many more marques!

 

Enjoy - don't leave in storage indefinately - evrything needs a 'run'.

 

Virtual Hug -

In your own time you will find life goes on -

Just pop out of the shadows and allow sun to reach your enjoyment.

 

 

Hope Everyone's 2024 is a progressie Year

waves from the Welsh Hills, in the UK

 

 

 

Jayne

Nicky.

 

Welcome,

 

LOVE yourself and give yourself time.

I FEEL a GREAT DEAL OF EMPTHY FOR YOU.

 

I am however, still learning - never stop  - [occassionally I do stop - loving myself - and that brings about stuff that is NOT helpful]

 

I still have stuff I need to experience / Do / and have more Joy in  my life.

 

We all go through phases - with or without trauma -

 

"Happenings" such as radical surgery / chronic illness crisis are challenges which need us to realise what is ultimately best for us - we can then become our best - and also best for others too.

 

I know - it sounds convoluted - but really, its quite simple .... its our brains which get in the way and make stuff complex!

 

Best not to overthink - and that is some 'classic' statement - particularly coming from me - as it could be - validly - said about me!

 

Take your time - stay kind to yourself

 

I send you a virtual hug

and waves to Merseyside - from the Midldle Wales - some 800 foot up a hillside

 

BW

Jayne

Past Member
Reply to Ben38

That's lovely. Thanks x

Past Member
Reply to Jayne

Thanks Jayne. 

Ben38
Reply to Anonymous

Happy new year, things can only get better for you this year keep that smile on your face it looks good on you

Past Member
Reply to Ben38

Happy New Year to you too Ben 🎉 x 

Morning glory

Hi Nicki, it hasn't  been that long since  your surgery.  Give yourself the time to heal. You will get there if and when you want. You are a very  pretty woman. Your confidence  will grow in time. 

warrior
Reply to Morning glory

pretty? dat be understated.fo sure.

myself.. i have a classification for such beauty..

DDG... = drop dead gorgeous. 😍

note to Ben: get yur front butt moving on this gal.. otherwise im buying a plane ticket. boom!🤭

Xlshrimp

If you try a neoprene belt it keeps every thing under wraps. They’re thin, 4-6” wide is fine, Velcro and it’s time for the main event! I was and still am conscious of the ileo but this belt helped the whole mood around the  ileo lighten up to nothing ! It was a non issue back when I was a dating maniac😆 I even put a big ole bronc riding belt buckle in once, just to lighten the mood! 
save a horse ride a cowboy or cowgirl! 
Don’t lose that beautiful smile, share it💚

 

warrior
Reply to Xlshrimp

you are talking about a wrap around the waist..correct? 

 

Nordakotan
Reply to Jayne

Hey!  Another Kenbutt here! ( A new to me term- Ha!)

I had a 650 midnight special for 15 years and rode it a lot with no problems.  The longest one way trip I took was a bit over 4 hours - not Iron Butt worthy but I’m concentrating on how I did riding.

i also had numerous horses at the same time that I would ride several miles at least 2 times a week, often more.  I did several rides that lasted 3-6 days straight.  Never had problems with any of the different gaits.

The thing that does give me uncomfortable fits is riding a bike.  I have not found the “perfect” seat for that type of transportation. I find myself constantly shifting.

I have had my illeostomy since 1986, horses till 1996 ( moved and had no place to put them up so I sold them to good homes).  Had the motorcycle till around 2010 when it finally gave up the ghost for me, since I am not a great mechanic!  Ha!

Good luck on your adventures!

Nordakotan
Reply to Jayne

Hey!  Another Kenbutt here! ( A new to me term- Ha!) I don’t mean to be part of the conversation that could be considered as high jacking the thread, but this is the first time I seen a post about riding, so I thought I would add my experiences.  This can be deleted or moved if requested or by the moderator.

I had a 650 midnight special for 15 years and rode it a lot with no problems.  The longest one way trip I took was a bit over 4 hours - not Iron Butt worthy but I’m concentrating on how I did riding.

i also had numerous horses at the same time that I would ride several miles at least 2 times a week, often more.  I did several rides that lasted 3-6 days straight.  Never had problems with any of the different gaits.

The thing that does give me uncomfortable fits is riding a bike.  I have not found the “perfect” seat for that type of transportation. I find myself constantly shifting.

I have had my illeostomy since 1986, horses till 1996 ( moved and had no place to put them up so I sold them to good homes).  Had the motorcycle till around 2010 when it finally gave up the ghost for me, since I am not a great mechanic!  Ha!

Good luck on your adventures!