It'll Be Alright if You Give Yourself a Chance

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robin.evans.2020
Aug 28, 2024 9:36 pm

Okeydoke, little backstory.

Previously completely healthy, but probably not looking after myself as well as I should. Minor heart attack, easily fixed with a stent, but up from that though a serious infection, necrotizing fasciitis, really nasty situation trying to get that under control with the ticker meds making surgery very, very dangerous. Had That Conversation with my surgeons a couple of times, but their skill and a large amount of luck saw me through. 10 surgeries in one year. 1-star review, do not recommend.

Upshot is a colostomy. Too much nerve damage, so a reversal isn't an option. Relationship had broken down around that time, so finished up on my own, had moved away, looked like death warmed up even on a good day.

Did that for a year or so, joined this site. Got a good dose of perspective. You guys have my absolute admiration and respect, all the things you go through (technically I'm one of you guys, but I'm a noob and have not suffered the way the vast majority of the crew has).

As supportive as the site is, and the level of support and friendship that's available, I was in a bad place. On my own. With this THING. No woman was ever going to want to get involved with me, least of all be intimate. Didn't help that I'm mildly trans and look great in a pair of heels. And there's no point in being dishonest about any of the above, so I figured my love life was basically over. Forever.

Ugh. Dark thoughts. The worst kind. Had it all figured out, just waiting for the right time.

One Saturday afternoon, having gone for a good long hike around the hills in my area, feeling as lousy as can be, went onto Match. Just FYI, no affiliation. Seriously, none. That's just where I found myself after a couple of miserable post-hike beers. Other dating sites are available.

Had a couple of conversations with some nice ladies, we didn't click, life went on. Then I got chatting to this woman. My age or thereabouts. She had been through some stuff. She is smart, empathetic, and we click. I let her know right from the get-go about the dresses and heels, which doesn't faze her.
I hold back on the ostomy. We can only ever be friends. I can't handle the rejection, not now, when I'm at my absolute lowest. Friendship will be good.

First date follows. Friends. We really click. Fellow nerds. I like her, she likes me. DAMMIT.

I come clean, fully expecting the worst. She Googles stoma. Not a big deal. Turns out it's a much bigger deal to me than it is for her. She is less worried about it than I am. Because she's a cool gal and an excellent human being.

18 months on, we are in a thoroughly loving relationship, we spend most weekends either hiking miles in the mountains of northern Italy or around the countryside where I live, or thundering around the roads in the naughty V8 sports car that I bought with her full encouragement. She quite likes me in a dress too…

Aaaaanyway. Point is, the ostomy isn't a barrier to happiness. You absolutely can and will be happy once you meet the right person. Might take a little bit longer than you'd like, maybe a disappointment or two along the way, but don't give up. If you stick with it, you'll meet your person. And, because they know about your ostomy and don't care, because it's YOU that matters, that will hopefully become the basis of something beautiful.

Bestest,

Moi.

kittybou
Aug 28, 2024 10:04 pm

Congrats!😸

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Why Join MeetAnOstoMate?

First off, this is a pretty cool site with 37,508 members who truly understand you.

It's not all about ostomy. We talk about everything.

Many come here for advice or to give advice, others have found good friends, and some have even found love. Most importantly, people here are honest and genuinely care.

🛑 Privacy is very important - we have many features that are only visible to members.

Create an account and you will be amazed by the warmth of this community.

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Mysterious Mose
Aug 28, 2024 10:18 pm

Hell of a story, mate. I am glad you found this site and then thought to share such an uplifting story. I hope your stay here is a lengthy one. Like you, I am often in awe of what others here have endured and, yet, have soldiered on and built a good life. But so many others are still struggling with life as an ostomate. Posts like yours help a lot!

Daniel

robin.evans.2020
Aug 29, 2024 12:11 am
Reply to Mysterious Mose

Thank you, Mr. Mysterious!

You've obviously been through the wringer with your health journey, but also your military service (I was only born in the year you were serving in Vietnam and, as a student of military history, I have an inclination of how hard that was).

You brought up 3 lads, so a life well spent, and took the time to post your classy response to mine. Much respect, sir, chapeau. Next time you're in the UK, look me up and we'll hit some more museums!

IGGIE
Aug 29, 2024 3:05 pm
Reply to robin.evans.2020

G'day Robin, you had a bad time, my friend, but see how a good lady can turn it all around. She's a keeper, mate, so look after her, and she will look after you. Love the V8. Keep on keeping on, mate. Regards, IGGIE

 

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

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Lilac_Lady
Aug 29, 2024 8:57 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for all you went through but so glad you hung in there and found love. You give me hope. :) 

DexieB
Aug 29, 2024 9:03 pm

Hello Robin. Love your story! And like you said, my ostomy was a much bigger deal for me than my husband - he gave ZERO f's about it. I am so glad you can be yourself - you found a keeper!

Best to you. DexieB

TerryLT
Aug 30, 2024 8:56 pm

What a wonderful and uplifting post, Robin! I'm so glad you hung in there and didn't give up hope, and you definitely lucked out and found a keeper in that lady. I'm glad you found us too and hope you will continue to contribute, as you have much to offer others in the way of support and inspiration.

Terry

robin.evans.2020
Aug 30, 2024 9:53 pm
Reply to Lilac_Lady

Attagirl, Cindy. It feels like the end of the world on first diagnosis, then dealing with recovery, the stitches, figuring out how best to deal with it all, the AAAAARGG!!!! moments.
In my admittedly limited experience, it's not too bad. I live an active life, get out and do stuff, have fun. The first few months were hard because it was so new and so frightening, and I absolutely resented having to have a stoma. Since I've made my peace with the fact that it saved my life (well, the surgeons did, but you get the gist), and working around its requirements isn't that much of a stretch, life has settled down. Granted, it's taken me two years to get here, to accept what is and be OK with it. The people closest to me know, are hugely supportive, and nobody else can tell.
Take your time, give yourself time to heal in all senses of the word, soak up the knowledge here, you'll be fine.

Trust me, you will.