Seeking Support for First Family Gathering Post-Surgery

I need a little encouragement from people who understand. My husband and I are getting ready for our first get-together with his family since my surgery, and I'm dreading it a bit. My MIL is driving us crazy because she is paranoid about any possible odor. She even sent me a picture of a deodorizer that she found on Amazon. I plan to take a shower and change my bag before we leave, so there shouldn't be any smell, at least for a while, but I'm still worried.

Any advice and/or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

M9

A product called Poo-Pourri, which you spray in the toilet when you empty your pouch, works well to neutralize odors. Also, there are chewable tablets called Devrom that can eliminate or reduce the odor from your output.

I'm going against the grain here a bit. You do not smell. At least you don't smell any more than anyone else. The deodorizer for emptying the pouch may be wise. Beyond that, this is your MIL's problem. She is being paranoid. There's no reason for you to get paranoid too.

That's not to say she won't decide she smells something. The imagination is a powerful thing. But there is nothing whatsoever that you can do to prevent her imagination from running away with her.

Take ordinary precautions. Use deodorizer and a spray for the bathroom after emptying the bag, etc. Then resolve not to let her upset you or make you paranoid.

Close your eyes, take a few long, slow, deep breaths in and out, and relax......sh*t smells simple as I have friends that don't have a stoma, and I dread going to the toilet after they have just come out. The smell they leave behind is far worse than anything that comes out of my bag, but just as they do to me, we have good manners and respect and don't mention it.

My Ostomy Journey: Ryan | Hollister

Hi, my fellow Floridian. Go and enjoy yourself. Do not let wearing a pouch define who you are. Reach out if you need anything. We're here for you. Now party on 🍷

I'd tell your MIL to mind her own business. I'd also be right on her side all night, so if your bag does actually smell, you can point at her. 👉 😁

Hi all
My name is Bonnie, and I'm a permanent colostomy bag holder. Lol - I've been carrying it for 1 year today and don't leave home without it.

If I may comment/suggest regarding your MIL, I hope you have a dog so you can bring over MIL's house a bag of poo as a heartwarming getting-out-of-the-house gift. Place it under her bed and then go and enjoy her home-cooked meal.

This is my first time on here, and I'm afraid it's my last because I will be kicked off the island.

Before that occurs,

has anyone used Zep Bound or Wacovy, the fat shot, with a stoma?

I totally agree with Susan. My first thought after reading your post was, 'WTF!? Glad she's not my MIL!' There is no reason why you should smell, as long as you have a securely attached appliance. Many ostomates seem to think they smell, but it's purely imagination or paranoia. Go and have a good time, and don't let your MIL spoil it. She will smell what she will smell. Use some drops if it makes you feel more comfortable, and take some portable spray for the bathroom, and relax!

Terry

Not sure I understand your comment.

One tip I find helpful: When emptying into the toilet, flush as soon as the output hits the water. It takes everything down before the smell even gets a chance. Then, flush again after wiping the end off. If things are slow getting out, you may need to flush even more, but it's better than leaving a stinky room and giving your MIL any reason to complain!

Terry

Xnine is referring to a deodorant called M9.

Flipping heck, message your mil and tell her you'll do your best to put up with her free-range odor while you visit and that you have yours completely contained and controlled in your bag.

Good answer - I thought the same thing!

Well said

Oh my,

If you are truly serious

Then your MIL’s delirious 

Causing you such a fear

Because you do not use your rear

What the heck does she think

That her own poop does not stink?

Just go and enjoy your trip

Tell her she needs to zip that lip

jb

I doubt there will be an odor. What business is it of your MIL anyway? She should worry about her own odor stinking up the place. She is being really hard on you. I think she is causing you anxiety you don't need. Can you ignore her? Tell your husband to talk to her about minding her own business and manners. Sounds like she could use a lesson in both.

Frankly, why would you be visiting a piece of work like that? I would bother going, and where is your husband on this?

Hello,

After seeing how this string has gone, and apart from stating the obvious as most of us have done ......

Maybe a 'different approaach' may be helpful?

So it occcurs to me that perhaps your MIL needs some help?

To be honest, there is a degree of sadness in what you relate - for, as is sometimes the case, your MIL is probably insecure and in fact feels inadequate in that she is aware of all you have been through - albeit in a limited fashion, and in truth fears her own 'lack of status' in the primitive 'pack-oder' of the family get together.   

You are more wise - and your shoulders have learnt not only to del with your medical issues - but in the scheme of things have progressed your Journey and are coming out the other sie of your life changing ostomy - and are wiser and in fact much loved and admired for your courage and your strength.  Maybe think of the situation like this : You are 'bigger' than references to smells or toilet issues etc ....... you in fact have the benefit of your experience - and if you are able to take your MIL aside - in a quite moment and explain to - individually - and in private that you apppreciate her self questions - yell her its OK! She need not have worries or concerns - you are a person - and you are not an 'elien' being - try to tell her that you understand - and that she need not 'worry' on your behalf. Don't patonise her - but peole bitch - it is usuallly because they feel in some way a little 'threatened' with a situation - and are concerned that the attention may be focussed away from them and somehow this contibutes to their own inagequacies.

Her respect for you may actually grow - so long as you do this on a one to one and not in front of an audience ...... You may sense that at first she perhaps will nto have the grace to be 'warm' towards you - but in fact you ay find her treatment of you will improve - and there may be a qind of respect that develops ..... these things take time.

And, besides, often a Son's MOther feels displaced when their Son's affections grow and the mother bond is initialled challeneged ..... again once an acceptance grows this allows tensions to ease.

Good luck .....

Encourage your husband to make some special gesture towards your MIL too - in respect of you - this can often help when a 'transistion' period is needed.

It is afterall your MIL who 'needs to grow' ..... and  she may need a little help to do so!

Kill her with kindness - The hardest ice eventuallly melts!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Jayne ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Additionally, I would let MIL know that you are working out all the details of having an ostomy, but that you are so grateful to be alive and well enough to get together with family. Maybe that will set her back on her heels a bit.

Hi Fun, if you have a system that constantly leaks, that would be a problem, but if your pouch seal is good, then no odor. So in that case, I would hang out, sit by your MIL all the while, and enjoy the festivities.

Poo-Pourri is the best. I carry a travel size with me. It works like a charm.

I agree... tell MIL to build a bridge and get over it. Every one that does a number 2 leaves a smell... Does her #2 smell like roses? Nah.... And there is no smell during normal activity unless the bag starts to leak. And you will feel it before the smell happens and can go to the bathroom, etc.... I've had an ileostomy for 12 years; I don't even hide my bag around home.

I agree it's your MIL problem. You are under enough stress. I wouldn't visit her or would stay in a motel.

On a more practical tip… I have had my ostomy for three years now. I've desiccated different foods that drastically affect my output, smell, and any gas. For me, low FODMAP is essential. If you are concerned, I would avoid onions, garlic, beans, possibly fish, and definitely cheese. I'm fine then. You genuinely wouldn't know I'd been to the toilet; no need for deodorizer.

Completely agree with others. This really isn't your problem, and MIL sounds lacking in empathy at best. I'm very hardline nowadays about family members like this - I nearly died; they cause me stress, which affects my health but not theirs. Life is too short for them. I learned from my own family, who had a couple of the very difficult ones in the mix. I'd be avoiding this family get-together personally. I would let my husband go alone and spend some “quality time” with his mother. That way, she either will learn over time to have some manners (unlikely) or at least you get to enjoy that time. That said, you may feel it's better to be more diplomatic and just go along to get along.

I'm so sorry your MIL is so unsympathetic and rude. If I were you, I would bathe in the most overwhelming perfume, enough to make people gasp for breath when you walk in.

On the other hand, maybe she's worried that you will be embarrassed if you leak a bit. I have a colostomy, so I don't know what it's like for ileo people, but maybe eat some marshmallows before you go, so you don't poo or leak while you're there, and take a bag of bags. I have a small bag inside my bigger "handbag" with a few stoma bags and scented disposal bags and a small deodorant spray I got on Amazon and some wet wipes, so I'm armed and ready for action. I double bag the bag if I'm in public.

But I am really sorry that it will be stressful for you. Maybe she will realize that it's worse for you than it is for her, and hopefully she's just trying to be caring. But you know her best.

Funmaru

There's a little saying over here in Ireland 🇮🇪 that we use for misinformed people....

F...off...

You and your husband would be better served going out for a nice dinner together....ostomates do not smell 

Funmaru, this is your life right now. Don't change to please others. When someone without an ostomy gives you “so-called” advice for their convenience, it's an interference.

However, if odor is an issue, Devrom is a product that came up for odor. I have not used this, so I can't vouch for it.

Enjoy your family gathering and remember to be yourself - you are awesome!

I agree with my stoma sister Susan. You shouldn't be ashamed or worried about what other people say or think. My family has never smelled anything from my bag, and yes, it can smell a bit if you have to empty it in a public bathroom, but deodorant fixes that. They should be supportive, not adding extra stress to you when you are already paranoid. I know the first time I went out, I was very anxious I would leak, but have a nice time and just concentrate on you and your husband. xx

I'm with Susan on this. You're fine. The new supplies are so much better than the old ones I used as a student nurse in the 70s. I have never noticed a smell from my husband's bag, and believe me, I have a great sniffer.