I'm Home from Surgery and Feeling Great, but My Mom's Reactions Are Tough

I (21) had elective proctocolectomy and got my ileostomy 5 days ago because of my UC. I've had a lot of time to mentally prepare, and the benefits of living free of my UC by far outweigh the negatives of having an ostomy, so I, for myself, am pretty happy with the new situation so far. Pain is there but manageable, and I'm quite mobile already.

I am giving my best to be open about my condition, talk about it with my friends, and just generally not be ashamed of my stoma, and I think I am doing a pretty good job. But my mom is making it kind of hard at times! For her, my surgery was this huge, evil, and, most importantly, taboo thing that I did. She tried to talk me out of it and is thoroughly convinced that I will regret it. She doesn't shame me for my ostomy or anything actively "bad," but I'm just not comfortable with the way she treats me and talks about me to others now. She doesn't dare call the ostomy by its name; she always just calls it something like "that thing" or the "you know what I mean." I asked her to please not make a huge deal about it (in a "please don't spread misinformation about how I am doing and what that means" kind of sense), which she interpreted as "please don't talk to anyone about it because I am embarrassed," and consequently decided to talk to EVERYONE about it but in a weird "yeah, you know, she had...surgery...and she's totally embarrassed about it, so don't talk to her...at all...because she's a different person now and broken, I guess," and this makes me so uncomfortable. Or when I mention thing XY to her, she really likes to say skeptical things along the line of "yeah, if you will ever be able to do that..." (get pregnant, go swimming, travel, be intimate, all those things that I 100% will be able to do again with just some adjustments). She didn't even believe me when I told her I just took a shower like every other person does. What probably hurt me the most was when she told me that maybe my boyfriend will find me gross now and later how lucky I am because he decided to stay with me, like he's the good Samaritan for, God forbid, still liking me with THAT THING. It's like she thinks I am an alien now that needs to be treated with utmost care. It's like she's more embarrassed about my ostomy than I am, or that she thinks that it's something that I should be more embarrassed about.

I really hope that she'll just get used to it over time. I also really hope that I'll be able to visit my home city soon so I can talk to all those people myself and show them that I am, in fact, the person that I was before my surgery (if not a happier and more confident person than before) and that my ostomy isn't that evil thing that must not be named.

G-Day saskiarief,

As long as you're feeling good about your new normal, your mother will see how you're managing and how much better in health you are, and in time she will be proud of you for taking such a chance on a big operation.

You sound like a very level-headed person; give her time.

Regards IGGIE🦘

Wow, shame on your mom!

Good for you for having such a good outlook despite the adversity you're facing with your own mother.

You're right, you will be able to do everything you want, but maybe with some adjustments, and hopefully, your life will be much improved without the UC.

Your mother needs a serious wake-up call. Would she rather you be in pain and sick? Is she always so negative, or is it just about this surgery? If she's always this negative, then you need to distance yourself from her. If it is just this surgery, then give her time. When she sees how much better your life is and how much happier you are, she will come around.

Congratulations on your new stoma and your new life!

Give it time; you, your mom, family, and friends all deal with things their own way. Your mom will think she's helping you; it's just her way of coping. It takes time for those around us who love us to get used to and accept our stomas too. My mom gave me food poisoning a few weeks after my surgery, but I know she loves me really, lol. Take it one step at a time.

Staying Hydrated with an Ostomy with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Welcome Saskiarief

Wow, I'm not going to mention your mother, but you have a great attitude; I like your style. Surround yourself with good friends, embrace the new you. You have a way to go yet to get up to speed, but you'll get there; we all do. Don't rush your recovery and enjoy life without the UC. Don't forget you are among friends here who are just like you and have been down the same road.

Hi Sas, welcome to the site. What a great attitude you have! But for your mom, she sees how you have it under control and is worried she won't get to control the situation. So, like others said, be patient, heal up, and when she sees how well you're doing, maybe she'll lighten up.

See below ⬇️

Sending u hug from America.

You go girl. .

 Fed Ex. will be delivering a super sized  smack to yur mom. 

Those living conditions with her,  suck.  If she was always this negative, I'd leave but knowing tur condition right now, you cant .and financially,  couldn't afford to. 

My mom was like this..  This is way beyond being " old fashion". - old school. 

The women needs to be educated and this will help yur living conditions and recovery. 

Never heard of a mom being a factor in recovery, so negative. Shame on her, indeed. 

Your mother should be ashamed of herself.  I would spend as little time around her as possible.  I hope you don’t live with her.  She is either ignorant, uncaring or both!

Probably, but uneducated.

My mom and older sister did the same thing to me over 40 years ago when I was 23 years old. They both stated no one would want me with that thing on my stomach and that I would stink!

People and family can be cruel. I went on to live my life and found no one really cared and had a somewhat normal life with working, friends, marriage, and kids. But with the ups and downs of having a chronic disease.

My mom and sister have passed; both suffered from severe obesity and depression that caused them to say those awful things. Their view of the world was very different from mine; they both only saw the negatives in life, and I always thought life was wonderful, in spite of the bag of shit on my stomach! Better the poop is in my bag than in my underpants 😆!

Hello, bumblebee!

I loved Karlsruhe! You must have been there when I was in 2005. 🤭

Your mutter must be very old-school. Her character sounds like my late großmutter. Hard-headed, prideful, lacking a filter!

She will be amazed by everything you do! Don't let her define who you are now. Take her rhetoric as a challenge and prove her wrong!

Welcome to the club!

Goodbye!

Like others said, I am pretty sure she means well. She seems to me, indeed, quite uninformed, so I guess it's a lot more scary for her than for me.

I agree with Ben38 on this topic. Your mother is having a tough time dealing with your decision to have this surgery, probably because she feels it's not the decision she would have made if she were in your shoes.

Mothers are supposed to be supportive, but my mother was oftentimes more concerned about what the neighbors thought than what her own children were going through.

Back to you, I am very impressed by your attitude, and it sounds like you will do just fine.

Welcome, and keep us updated 😊

I'm so sorry you went through that, Maried. Sometimes people show love in a really clumsy way. Sadie, my stoma, has made a great difference in my life, positive all the way. She's very useful with aging and overconfident Romeos; I go into great detail, and they move on quickly!! :))

I found my mom didn't cope with emotion very well; she'd had enough trauma for one lifetime. My favorite story relates to her being a nurse, and when my first child was stillborn, she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with my pain; her pain quota had been more than filled up already. So she showed her caring by palpating my belly every day to check whether my uterus was shrinking appropriately. I loved her dearly and knew this was as much as she could deal with, given that she couldn't take the pain away.

Hi Bumblebee, You have a great attitude and should be proud of yourself. Your mother is another matter! Perhaps, as others have said, she will come around in time as she sees you flourish, but in the meantime, try not to let her get to you. I'm sure she loves you, but her behavior and attitude towards your situation are not helpful to you right now. She is clearly ignorant and has many preconceived ideas about ostomies, but you don't need to buy into them. You are on the right path, and you have your head on straight. Go out there and live your life, and you will be great! You can achieve anything you put your mind to.

Terry

I am glad you are able to feel that way about her.

Bumblebee, hold onto that wonderful attitude of yours because you are so centered and sure of your decision, and that's everything. You are in a place that many on here unfortunately can't seem to get to. Now about your mom... it sounds like she's reacting from her own feelings about having an ostomy. We also don't know if this is typical behavior from her in your relationship with her because calling your stoma "that thing" and saying that your boyfriend may find you "gross" borders on emotionally abusive. You're the only one who knows her intention. Regardless of her reason, you don't have to let her mess with your light. You can either constantly defend yourself, which is a slap in your face because you've done nothing wrong; tell her to knock it off and walk away; or drastically limit your exposure to her, let her know why, and STICK TO IT. It's easier to maintain emotional health when you stop letting other people sabotage it.

With a positive attitude like yours, I have no doubt you will do everything you wish to do in life.

I'm sorry your mother is like this; perhaps when she sees you living your best (now healthy) life, she will change her mind. Maybe show her some of these replies and other posts from this site so she can learn that having a stoma is a positive thing, particularly when compared to the miserable existence some of us had before the surgery.

This site and other support groups on social media are great for informing the ignorant about the ostomy life.

You've got this. You are so amazingly positive. Your mom will realize it's not about her. Best of luck. Continue living your life to the fullest. Cheers to your future 🍷

Nod and smile and keep your great attitude! :)

I am sorry your mom is playing the martyr, but it's her issue, not yours. Sometimes people use your supposed misfortune to get attention for themselves. A family counselor may be able to distance yourself from this toxicity. Sadly, you can pick your friends but not your family. If she weren't your mother, would you bother with her? Your boyfriend loves you the way you are, which is wonderful.