Struggling with Family Acceptance and Colostomy Challenges

Hello All, I am sorry to have to write about my mess, but I am so depressed and would love to hear from anyone who can give me some advice. I went to visit my son, who is 46 years old, and his wife and little boy for the weekend. I never like going away from home due to my colostomy, but he insisted I come. Well, first of all, my DIL never spoke to me the whole time I was there, and I didn't eat anything, trying to keep the bag inactive until my last day there. Well, lo and behold, I go in to use the bathroom and now they have a scented candle burning. I felt horrible about seeing this as it was like them saying I smell. Then I passed a comment to my son about his wife never speaking to me, and he got so mad and started yelling at me, saying I should be glad they let me come to his home with a bag. Well, friends, I came home and I don't want to ever go there again, and I am very sad about this situation. My son is a verbal abuser to begin with, so I don't want to fight; I am just not going to call or bother with them. I will never get used to this colostomy, even though it is 4 years now, as nothing has ever changed in all these years. I stay in my apartment and never go out now for fear someone will think I smell. I also want to say I use the drops in my bag to prevent odor, but my family treats me like an outcast. Sorry to bother all, but I am so depressed over this. Thanks for listening. Hometown

Sounds like these folks are pretty shallow. Don't expect much from them. Perhaps time and maturity will help them grow through this phase in their lives. In the meantime, surround yourself with caring people who do the best they can with what little they have. Look for a community of kindred spirits and build some kind of respectful appreciation for each other. No more Snuffy Sniffers. We are what we are, and especially grateful that the ostomy has made life so accessible. Don't waste your time with people who have no core.
PB

Contact your stoma therapist to show you how to irrigate. You will never look back.
V.J.

Hello Hometown. PB and veejay have given some good advice and you have actually done that for yourself as well by saying that you won't go to visit them anymore. Personally I tend not to give myself all-or-nothing type advice. I prefer to identify exactly what the problems are and tell myself (and others) what they are and that, 'on-balance', it is not worth doing this or that, if certain conditions are not likely to be fulfilled.  This way I keep my own options open and the ball is passed to the other court to see if they are willing to fulfill those conditions.  We would not book ourselves into a hotel if we did not think that there would be a certain level of decorum and respect, so I cannot think that I would visit family if I could not get a simlar level of 'acceptance'.  I make it clear that my family can visit me anytime if they so wish - as long as they don't bring any disrespectful ways with them.  This way it doesn't feel as if I am rejecting them altogether.( just that part of their behaviour that I find unacceptable!)
How does the saying go:- " you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!"
Best wishes  Bill

I have no advice to offer other than what others have already given. I just wanted you to know that, as Prime told you, there are others who are empathetic. It is a damn shame that some folks are like your family. Good luck.
Jack

My Ostomy Journey: Jearlean | Hollister

Dear Hometown, your son and your DIL are heartless, rude, crude jerks. I know it hurts to not have family in your life, but you're better off without them. I speak from personal experience. Those kind of people are toxic...they are poison to your spirit and soul.

I believe you said your son is 45 yrs old, which is way too old to be acting like an immature donkey's butt. I hope you will feel able to stand up to them one day, but if not, stay away. You don't need to feel bad about yourself or tolerate abuse because you had to have ostomy sugery.

You might want to see if there's an ostomy support group where you live, where you can meet other ostomates locally, and perhaps develop some friendships or enjoy the benefits of meeting understanding and compassionate people. You will find that here on this site, as you can see, but sometimes the in-person interaction is needed as well.

Here's a link to the list of Ostomy Support Groups by state and city that meet in person.... http://www.ostomy.org/supportgroups.shtml

Peace and love..... Txess

Dear Hometown
I find it so hard to believe that family members would be so cruel and stupid. I'm reminded of the old saying – “You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.” Wish them a “Good Life” and move on. They're not worth your time to fret about.

I've only had my colostomy since May due to rectal cancer, but the way I look at it is - the bag extended my life, so I am not about to let it deter me from going out or trying to do anything. Not to say I don't worry about “blowouts,” etc. I've already had a few, fortunately at home, but I try to think of it as a learning curve and I try to anticipate what problems may occur and attempt to deal with them.
I've played a few holes of golf and tried swimming. I'm not able to ride my Harley yet, but I look forward to it.
I'm really not trying to preach, but the point I'm trying to make is – don't let them get you down and live your life.
Patrick

That's a terrible thing and I'm so sorry to hear it.  The other folks are right; sometimes you have to make your OWN family and not be so worried that other people will notice a smell or anything like that about you because I'm sure you DON'T have anything about you that would cause anyone to notice.  I've met people with colostomies and I would never have known had they not told me.  Hang in there, there are lots of good people out there
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Well I don't know what to think about this situation . I have met some pretty retarded  gobshites in my time but seems like your son & his wife take the biscuit ...Yes I know they are family , but what a way to treat anyone , just when you need love, support , encouragement & a confidence boost . Well a  curse upon them & bad cess to them ( only ) . Write them out of any plans / wills you have made , & as stated by other members here , join something , Clubs , circles etc . Woodwork , Stamp collecting , Golf, a History society etc. & try to make some other friends . You may even find a local Ostomy society . Stay positive & try to keep a sense of humour...Don't forget ..." If you can't fight , wear a big hat "

Oh, and in reference to their scented candle in the bathroom... your dear son and DIL must think their sh*t doesn't stink... I assure you it does! Perhaps you can remind them of that. Everyone poops and everyone leaves an odor in the bathroom afterwards. They are no exception.

Believe me, no one will know you're wearing a bag unless you tell them. I have an ileo and no one knows until I disclose.
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Make new friends. Join Meetup (it's free) and see what Meetups are going on in your city that are of interest to you. Maybe a book club or some kind of hobby meetup.

Steer clear until they can treat you right, and maybe tell them you named your bag after them. LOL.
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Sorry, family isn't always worth the effort. Create a life for yourself apart from them. Keep your chin up, stay strong, and focus on the sights, sounds, activities, and people that bring you joy.

Hometown - I am so sorry that your family is so very unsupportive. That would about kill me. I live with my daughter and son-in-law + 3 grandsons. They are all so loving and supportive. I also have a ladies over 50 social group I founded in 2008, and these women have been awesome. The colostomy is not the only problem I've had - Myasthenia Gravis, bleeding ulcer, open heart surgery to remove the thymus, and temporary dementia due to too much time in the ICU. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has been super. We are all here for you, even though in a different way, we all understand.

Txess mentioned joining Meetup, and I couldn't agree more...wish you lived where I do as my group is on Meetup...we would definitely embrace you, and you would end up with many true friends. Take a look at it - don't be a shut-in because some people are dense. You know, sometime in the future, God will be judging them, and it won't be pretty.

Judi

Hi Hometown.  You’ve gotten some good advice from some wise, caring folks here.  I share txess’ feelings.  Suppose you were to call or send a note to your son telling him you hit the lottery, redid your will and wanted to hand his wife a check to get her nose fixed so she can smell her own crap and the two of them could get some education.  Then, tell him you changed your mind because the 3 million dollars you won isn’t enough to change their behaviors.
When they show up at your doorstep with a bundt cake, say “Thank you now get the hell away from here, grow up and leave me with my real friends”  Just a thought.
Sorry,
Mike

Well, other than insisting, let me put forth the nugget that is "Better a bag than a box," but my cynicism would harp more on the savings because I am, as my wife calls me, a cheapy-cheap.

But I am also one that is way too open about my ostomy; as in "Hello, nice to meet you. Have you met my ostomy?

Sinfulsot, you crack me up!

As to the rude son and daughter-in-law, I just don't know what to add to what has been said. I have 2 grown kids and they would never act like that. They'd just better hope Karma doesn't have a bag in their future. My daughter did give me a Scentsy for Christmas a few years back, but she also gifted my bagless sisters with one, so I had no negative thoughts. I'd just ignore them from now on, no gifts, cards, calls, etc. They might come to their senses after a while of this treatment. Bless your heart, that's rough!

Sorry I haven't been back sooner to thank all of you for your posts, but the upset did get to me and I have had a rough two weeks. I pray all the time that I find a group that I could join to make friends where I live as I don't know anyone. I moved here because my oldest son lived in this town, which is a very nice town, but he moved over an hour away and now I have no one. I desperately need to get a colonoscopy, as since the cancer was in my colon I hate to not go, but I have no one to take me or drive me home so I keep putting it off. Also, the doctor who did the last test is no longer in my new plan so I need another doctor who I can trust. Well, thank you all and God bless you. Oh, my son never called and he won't. I made up my mind that he is a verbal abuser to me and has been, but this time I can't take his abuse anymore. Also, if I won the lottery he would be the first in line to hope he would get anything he could. Thanks again. Hometown

Sorry to hear you have such an unpleasant son and daughter-in-law. I really can't think of what to suggest other than hang in there. Put yourself first and make sure you are doing everything you can for your physical and mental health. If others can't see your worth, then at least you can.

Sorry to hear of your son's bad manners; just get on with your life. God has given you the "bag" to enable you to live, and you must enjoy life. Everyone "poops," and no one poops odorlessly... so chin up. I see you use drops in your bag. What is the name of the drops? I would like to obtain some. God bless and be strong.