Helping My Partner Feel Comfortable with Her Ostomy

Hi,

I should start off by saying that I do not have an ostomy; however, the girl I am dating does.

She has been open about it pretty much since I met her a few months ago now. She is a fantastic girl, and I am head over heels for her. I am also fairly certain this goes both ways.

We do have fairly good communication about feelings and about the operations, etc.

She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, funny, you name it... but she is also very self-conscious about the bag and the ileostomy, both how it looks and the fact that it at times makes sounds... neither of which bothers me in the slightest.

However, it makes it difficult for her to fall asleep around me as she is worried it will make sounds. I also think that she possibly puts up a bit of a wall when it comes to intimacy, possibly more so when it is more active...

Like I said, I wouldn't wish for another girl in my life... and all I want is for her to become comfortable. I understand that this is difficult; I also understand that I can't REALLY understand since I have no experience of it myself...

So, I was wondering... any advice on how I possibly can help make her feel comfortable? Is there anything I can do except to be understanding and give her time?

John

John, I suggest you just ask her about it... get her talking about how it works and how much it improved her life, etc.

Not only will you learn about it, but she will feel more comfortable when she knows you are interested in her health and well-being.

I know that the noises can be a little embarrassing, but just reassure her that it doesn't bother you. Are the noises gas? If so, you can take an over-the-counter pill that helps somewhat. I keep them in the truck and my jacket pocket. Take a few before you eat and see if it helps some.

You made me cry, damn it...   
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   If she could see your post, she'd believe a little bit more how much you care about her and how much you don't care about whatever comes out of that wonderful little thing on her tummy that most of us here have been blessed with.  (That last part is not at all what I think of the thing, but I'm doing my best to be nice. 
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 ).  

You are already doing everything you could possibly do.  You listen, discuss, tell her how you feel about her, hold her, love her, and are there for her. Most importantly, you didn't find the nearest exit when she told you about it.  She feels safe with you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be with you.  I am not saying hero's advice isn't great, but I have the feeling you have and do that already. Your relationship is new, and we women don't want to fart, snore, go to the bathroom in front of, hope our ass looks sexy when we walk away from you (we know you are looking), and pray we look cute in the morning that you want to give us a kiss and possibly more. We think these things without having a bag on our belly. This is something we now have to add to that list. Plus the fact that we have this new accessory that we don't know how to match to our outfits and have no control over.  It's going to take some more time for the comfort level to get where you both want it to be.  

I have to say "THANK YOU" because if you read this site, you will see many lost their spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends because of this bag.  You have proven it is still possible to meet someone and have a wonderful, romantic life in spite of it. 

Thank you both for your replies :)

I will keep showing that I care and am interested in both her and her health :) I've already learned a lot in the last few months. I mean, I knew ileostomies, etc., existed... and I think that is where my knowledge ended; I never really thought about the reasons behind them.

I am amazed by how strong she is, and from reading the forums here a bit, I am equally amazed by the people on here. I believe she sees that wonderful little thing on her tummy as both a blessing and a curse... but I know she was so close to death that it's nothing but a blessing from my point of view... if it wasn't for the stoma, she wouldn't be part of my life now...

... and from a selfish point of view... if it wasn't for the scared men that ran away at the first mention of it... she very possibly wouldn't be part of my life...

Zywie, I want to doubly thank you. Your hero's advice is great, and even more so, just the fact that you bring in the normal girl worry things makes my understanding a little clearer. And yes, I definitely look at her ass when she walks away ;)

As for the boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses lost... if they can't accept you with a little bag... they do not deserve you...

You made me cry again.... stop it. And you are more than welcome. You're doing great.

How to Get Back to Fitness After Ostomy Surgery with Ryan | Hollister

There is a website store called 'Ostomy Secrets' lingerie with pockets to put the bag in..... As far as sounds.... Carbs cause gas.... Drink water, and if she knows it might be a rock and roll day - sorry to say, watch what you eat the night before and day of..... I empty my ileostomy just about every hour.... And I do bling out the top - I still am a girly girl....... If you can get her to chat, I would be glad to - I still have a few issues but am at the 3-year mark - and well ...... I am what I am... If you don't like it .... well f ya then, but I do understand.......... I'm 50 and have had ileostomy about 3 years now. Oh yeah, on top of that, I have a samurai sword slice down the middle of my abs..... So I think positive.... Not only can you do a belly shot from me, but you can drink a whole 5th (Jack is my fav)

Hi John,

                 It's always nice when two people find each other in this huge world. It's like you were walking around in the dark and suddenly a candle appears, and it is attached to a beautiful woman; amazing. I hope this candle bearer is your kindred spirit. Having the courage of your convictions is a strengthening experience, but it is a lot easier when it feels like she is the other half of you that was missing.

    In all things Ostomy, just remember that humor is the best medicine. If you can smile and have a little laugh, say about the noises, "You can honestly say without contradiction that your farts don't smell; not many people you know can make that claim!!".

   My recently found kindred spirit also lives in London, although I'm in the USA (will be visiting soon). We both have an Ostomy, but it was still hard to open up to each other. Her joke was that with boyfriends in the past, she would do the "sheets over the head" trick. Laughing like the beautiful funny person she is, she told me that with boyfriends in the past, if she farted, she would pull the sheet over their heads and giggle. She was disappointed that she couldn't do that anymore. We had a great, liberating laugh about that. The humor won't come immediately, but when you can get it in, then do it; it really is a great icebreaker.

   Don't dwell on the negative and just keep reminding her how beautiful she is, in body and soul.

Hang in there, good luck.

Magoo.

This is such an uplifting thread.

I think getting a stoma is such a shocking experience that it takes time. Over time, she will feel more and more comfortable. It has also been my experience that over time, your body continues to adjust, and the level of noise becomes greatly reduced. I used to have a lot of noise, but now, 5 years on from my ileostomy surgery, I get so little noise that I don't even think about it.

The noise is simply gas being expelled through the stoma. The positive side is that it will not smell because of the charcoal filter on the pouch, so to a degree, it is better than a standard fart. There are two things that have worked well for me:

1) Gas-X, which seems to break down the gas into much tinier particles that just slip out unnoticed.

2) Holding my finger over the stoma opening to help modulate the flow of gas so that it does not make noise. If a person got really good at this, they could almost play it like a musical instrument.

The best thing is a sense of humor - when it talks, talk back to it, or try to figure out what foreign language it is speaking.

Hey John,

You sound like an awesome person!

How long has she had her ileostomy? It's possible that she just needs to be more comfortable with it herself because she can be comfortable with it around you. Some people get used to theirs quickly, and some need more time. If you aren't bothered by it, she'll likely have no problem with it soon enough.

Good luck! Sounds like you've found a keeper :)

Eric

Hi guys,

You guys are awesome, thanks for all the suggestions and insight.

She has had it for about 4 years but has not been dating since she got it, so I understand that she is weary or nervous. We've talked a fair bit about it, but also make sure it's not a main focus... because obviously it shouldn't be... hopefully soon it will be a non-issue :)

I figure it will just have to take the time it takes, and that will let us get to know each other better.

Humor does sound like a great way to deal with it, and it has been used a couple of times... most likely with a bit more time both of us will feel more comfortable with that... as I myself am a bit weary of trying to be humorous about it.

Bigal1579, playing it like a musical instrument sounds fantastic :P

And yeah, she is absolutely a keeper :) beautiful and charming.

I've met enough women with not even half the personality or heart of this one, so I know that if it takes a while it will be worth it :)

John,

I applaud your ability to love this lucky woman. So many of us have lost love as a result of this life-changing surgery. I wonder how many out there are like me, having lost the ability to love as a result of the surgery. Just the fact that you are willing to invest the time and energy into helping her open up and become more comfortable with herself is amazing. Until you've walked a mile in our shoes, you'll just never know how difficult physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy can be. But you get it.

I think you're awesome! I pray you'll continue to be the patient, kind, and loving partner she needs. I also pray that your girl finds confidence in herself to let go of the hang-ups she has with her ostomy so she can completely open herself to you.

I wish you both a lifetime together!

Anita

John, I wish I could meet someone like you! Not many men feel the way you do about it!

Hi John,

You are a hero and a definite minority when it comes to ostomy-ism. Most men are disgusted by it. I am just as lucky as your lady. My ex and part-time caretaker have no problem carrying my "gift bags" out to the alley trash, letting me spoon him from either side, etc. The problem was with me. I found that this product returned much of my dignity and sexiness. It is so feminine, discreet, and pretty. If I were you, I would open the topic by saying that you are trying to learn all you can about her ostomy and ran across this site with a lot of "cool stuff." Let her reaction be your guide. If she shows interest in this product (I have one in each color), offer to buy it for her. I had an ultrasound last week, and the handsome young tech (who knew I was self-conscious about my bag because I told him I was afraid it might have poop in it) said, "Oh, how cute," when he pulled mine down past my belly button. I felt very confident as I lay there, and he ran his wand over my jellied abdomen with the pretty lace covering the entirety of the bag. Anyway, good luck. Your lady is so fortunate to have you. My ex and I don't live together. We are both seniors, crotchety, and set in our ways, but we have occasional "pajama parties" and share meals, talks, movies, and back rubs. It makes all the difference in the world to an ostomate that she is still attractive and others don't cringe at the thought of touching her. God sent your girl an angel. I'll add "the cute couple on their ostomy honeymoon" to my prayers.

Loretta

https://www.ostomysecrets.com/ostomysecrets/women/wraps/illusion-wrap/c-26/c-327

Thanks again!

Appreciate the kind words, don't see myself as a hero :P more like a silly little puppy falling hopelessly in love :P

Am sorry to hear that most men are put off... i don't get it... and in that case most men are stupid... but i guess its a good douchebagtest at least then.

Octobersurise, that is some very cute accessory :) I really am grateful for all the tips you guys have given.

John

So it has been a while; I am still together with the gf and still very much in love.

Things are still going very slowly, however, and for the most part, I am okay with it, but some days I wish I could help her get over her insecurities. I don't think it is only her ostomy that does it, though it is a big part of it. She is still very scared of physical intimacy, and we still have not been naked together or done anything sexual. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she never wants to. Feeling a bit lost today, I know the feeling will pass; I just wish she wasn't so scared... and I don't feel there is anything I can do or say to help her be less scared...

Hi John,

Glad to hear you are being so patient. Maybe she is waiting for the wedding day?

Best wishes to you both!

Thanks for the reply, Mrs. A.
No, I don't believe that is it. Also, I should clarify, I don't care too much about the lack of sex, but rather the lack of any sort of physical closeness.

Hi John,

I know this is an old post, and I hope all is still well with you and your girlfriend. I came here to get advice on how to tell a guy about my colostomy, and then I read your post. I hope and pray to find a man like you someday. You don't know how good it feels to know that there are guys out there that absolutely do not care about what us girls look like or are dealing with.

I'm 24 years old and have never had a boyfriend, partly because I was sick a lot in my late teens/early twenties and just didn't want to deal with the added drama, and largely due to the fact that I was terrified of rejection from a guy once he found out about all of my medical issues. A relationship is one of the biggest things I've wanted in life, and I denied myself that happiness over the fear of what a man may think of me. I've realized that it's time to get over my fears and put myself out there. Hopefully, I will meet a man like you who loves me for me and doesn't care about all of my scars and my "damage."

Thank you for posting that; you really give me hope.

Hi Monkey,

Try not to give in to that fear; you will regret it later. I deprived myself of company and close friendship for years and missed out on possible relationships. I'm different now... better late than never... go for it!