Seeking Advice on Managing Anger and Frustration

Hi fellow mates,

I have had severe ;IBS my whole life and my colon finally gave up and actually had dead spots so it was removed in July of 2015 but my surgeon hookd everything back up so I wouldn't need a bag. Well that didn't work because there was too much damage lower down so I had stoma and J pouch surgery in November with the idea that the ostomy could be reversed at some point. Yet again that turned out to be a bust so I had Ileostomy made permanent in March of this year. Had added hospital stays due to infections and blockages. It's been very rough but I keep telling myself it could be worse. I didn't have cancer like so many of you have faced and my grandfather had to get nourishment through a feeding tube so I think to myself at least I can eat food although it's a limited diet. I have been trying so hard to stay positive that I didn't realize I was feeling angry until a co-worker made a stupid comment. I have been out of work for just under 2 years because my problems actually started in September of 2014 and my GI kept switching meds and telling me I need therapy and that would help my colon even though I kept telling him this felt different than my usual issues. From September until surgery in July I was miserable and in a lot of pain and then 3 major open belly surgeries in a short period of time so I was miserable and in pain that whole time too. The last surgery took along time to recover from but I can finally work again with limitations such as not being able to stand all day or run around like a chicken with my head cut off like I used to. My job would normally require me to stand all day but my employer made an exception for me because of my health issues which is great because working is good for the depression I struggle with. A young co-worker asked why I get to sit down sometimes and he can't so my supervisor told him I have health issues and he actually said he wished he had what I had so he could sit down! Anger just welled up and I saw red but calmly told him that he doesn't want my problems and then went outside for a few minutes to deal with what I was feeling. I wanted to beat him senseless! I hate violence and he had no idea what he was talking about but I still wanted to smack him! Who says they want any kind of medical problem so they can sit down? STUPID! I am struggling with the fact that it could have been alot worse so I feel I shouldn't complain but I'm also trying to put some kind of normal life together even though nothing will be the same again and it was alot to go through. I have this anger all of a sudden and I don't even know who to be angry with. God? No, my colon could have very easily ruptured while my GI was dragging his feet and by his grace it didn't, besides I'm very spiritual. The universe? That's silly. I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I can look down on my ostomy with no problem, been doing that since day 1 but I can't stand looking at it in the mirror. I miss being able to eat, dress and run around like I used to. To much activity causes belly pain that is hard to get rid of. My husband is wonderful about all of this but I feel guilty about the financial toll this has taken and we haven't had sex since this all started. All of these feelings are coming up now and I don't know what to do with them. Sorry this is so long but I needed to vent to people who might understand and give me some advice on how you dealt with all of this. Thanks for listening.

Hello October Born. Thank you so much for sharing you feelings with us in this way. Many or most of us have been through similar experiences and feelings but I can only respond in terms of what I have found along this journey.

1)The things you describe are not unusual and hopefully you will get loads of responses to your post to confirm this.

2) The reasearch on 'Loss' indicates that there are phases of the healing process. You describe the first phases brilliantly and particularly about the anger in circumstances where it might not otherwise have happened.

3) Expressing how you are feeling, as you have done in writing is a very useful way of laying out your thoughts and emotions so that you have an external reference point you can go back to and read to yourself. Sometimes reading it back enables people to see the situation from a different perspective and come up with answers that were not possible when they were embroiled in the practicality of the emotional turmoil.

4) Venting is another way of getting the inward pressure out and is to be encouraged. Expressing your feelings on here is just one way of doing this and We hope that we can be of help by way of our replies. However, sometimes the process of adjustment to loss can be speeded up and enhanced by having a few sessions with a professional specialist in the field. Usually this would be a therapist/ psychologist who would no doubt encourage you to vent on a regular basis.  (You can do the same thing on this site, but it isn't quite the same as having someone to talk to in person.)

5) Your husband sounds supportive and could possibly fulfil the role of therapist if he has the capacity to remain objective in his listening. This can be harder than it sounds if the person he is listening to  is someone very close emotionally, as there is always the chance that they will say something or imply something non-verbally, that triggers off the emotions of anger/resentment/depression/ etc etc. that accompany the healing process for loss. Sometimes it is better to get these feelings dealt with in an environment where your loved ones are not affected by your emotional outbursts as these can and do leave lasting emotional scars on those who are trying desparately to help but maybe don't quite know how to achieve that without getting hurt themselves.

6) I have found that the best 'advice' usually comes from asking yourself the relevant questions and then, by way of logic and reason, rather than emotion, find the answers that make sense to YOU!

We can share what we know about our own situations and sometimes give the usual, and very pertinent cliches about staying positive and moving forward. However, the person who will have the most influence on you during these difficult first phases is YOURSELF.

If you look back on my own blogs , you will see that I expressed all these troubled emotions through rhyming verse. Every rhyme dealt with yet another aspect of dealing with the stoma and the feelings surrounding it. There were 96 in all by the time I finished focussing specifically on stoma issues. However, what is perhaps not so well known is that I have written literally hundreds of rhyming verses in an attempt to come to terms with the emotional and psychological difficulties relating to depression and other mental health dimensions. This documentation of my feelings and thoughts on the gamut of difficulties we face in everyday life has helped me gradually come to terms with the sorts of things that you describe in your post. I will not pretend that it's been an easy journey but standing at this end of it and looking back,  I can say that it has been very interesting, instructive and to some extent indispensible to the adjustment process.

I hope that you can find ways to take control of your thoughts and emotions so that they work for you instead of against and I hope that many more ostomates will join in this thread with their own thoughts on the subject.

Best wishes

Bill 

Hello Bill,

Thank you so much for your insightful response; it is much appreciated. Just knowing these feelings are normal for people in our situation is comforting. I am a very common-sense, rational person, and you are correct about not letting emotions get the better of you when what's needed is calm, thoughtful thinking. I looked back at some of your posts, and you are a valuable resource to all on this site. Thanks again.

October Born

Hey October Born. First, let me share your appreciation for Bill's wonderfully presented reply to your post. He probably gave you (us) more quality information and advice than could've been gotten in months of therapy. I'm not an expert on anything but quite familiar with stuff like you and Bill have gone through physically, psychologically, and emotionally; even some stupid sociological situations. I've learned that whatever I went through and however similar to another's, I can only know my own pain. As much as I might try to feel another's pain, it's theirs, and all I can do is empathize and do my very best to help them by sharing how I handled things and how they worked out. I am convinced that after we go through this crap, we are different. The physical part is obvious, but there are so many unseen changes. I think we all experience, in different degrees, anxiety, depression, anger, PTSD, and the like.

We're all fortunate for your post and super fortunate for folks like Bill.

Respectfully,

Mike

Hello Mike,

I must say I never expected to hear someone say that they were fortunate to read my post. This actually makes me feel a bit better to know that maybe I can help someone in some small way by sharing on this site. I tend to keep most of my negative thoughts to myself so as not to be judged, but your kind comments have me thinking that maybe sharing could benefit someone else (especially newer ostomates, and I'm still pretty new myself) deal with all that comes with this damn bag. The physical issues are what non-ostomates ask about when they want to know how you're doing, but they rarely ask about how all of this affects you emotionally. It's strange to say it's comforting to know I'm not alone in this because I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but comforting it is. Too bad Bill lives in the UK, I would actually like to meet him :) His honesty and compassion just shine through with his words and rhymes. What a wonderful man. I am finding there are many great people on this site, including you. I thank you for your reply; it helps.

Darlene

How to Stay Hydrated with an Ostomy with Collin | Hollister

Hi Darlene, I've had my ileo for 30 years, and the issues you describe are kind of what I've been through. When I was working, I had to deal with loudmouth coworkers, and I just chalked it up to them being young and dumb. However, other older coworkers who had issues of their own understood, and I could open up to them. Having the internet for a resource is great; I didn't have this when I first had surgery here in N. Mich., and I had to learn it all on my own through trial and error. Also, I've had nurses ask me what an ileo is and had to explain. Another good site for info is UOAA.ORG; that was my first contact with other ostomates. Take care.

Hi Darlene.  Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  It's compassionate of you to reserve your negative thoughts.  For those of us with somewhat similar situations those negative thoughts are facts of our lives and sharing helps us understand ourselves a little better and, certainly, helps us decide who we want to confide in.  I think most people are good.  When confronted with situations that are so out of the ordinary to them, I think these good folks often try but fail to make us feel any better.  Then we chastise ourselves asking, "Why the heck did I tell her/him about me?"  

Fortunately there are places like this where we can openly express our innermost feelings, help each other and help ourselves.  

Gratefully,

Mike 

Darlene, you're fantastic. I waffled around for a couple of years before I got to this site!

And here you are with a healthy vent and generous replies! You're great!

Your nice remark that made us cancer people look brave was really sweet, but I have terminal cancer and I never had to deal with all of the medical stuff you've gone through. Eek! You are the brave one!

In all of your comments, your kindness keeps shining through. When you write, you write well. We can all "feel" you, and because of that, our hearts go out to you more. And you've made us look at ourselves a little more, too.

As far as that employee goes... by now you've probably reconciled that with yourself. I think "young" was the operative word there. Sometimes people just don't "get it." That's okay. That's just what they are at that moment or month. Stepping out was the right thing to do, as you know, but your writing about it gave all readers a healthy suggestion of how to act.

Your hubby sounds lovely. I'm in the same boat... nice hubby, but... feeling really sexy? Hmm. I suggest that you suggest to him that getting you back to that sexy place needs to be his job in all of this. Like, maybe a long-term project with extra sensitivity. I dunno, with guys you need to kind of spell it out or they just don't get it. At all.

The mirror thing... what a shock! Wow, look at me! There is a big plastic colostomy bag covering what used to be a cute body! And it's filling with poo as I watch! Yes, very defeminizing. That's where hubby comes in to validate your femininity.

You actually said "I feel I shouldn't complain." You said that.

Wrong feeling. Complain all you want. We're here. Non-judgmental sounding board. You should complain. We can't fix it all, but complain anyway! We're here for you, you have a safety net now. That's what Ostomates is all about. Welcome!

Hi Ron,

You are right about younger co-workers. I have only confided in the people I trust at work, and I can tell you they are few and older. I am positive not all young people are so flippant about health problems. Either they've sadly experienced them themselves or watched loved ones struggle like I did. I can't even remember my father being healthy, and at the age of 43, he passed away; I was 12. Ten years later, my mom died. Compassion for struggling people is just a natural reaction for me because of these experiences. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it taught me valuable life lessons early. Thank you for your reply.

Darlene

Dearest Not Dead Yet,

No, you are not. The fact that you took your precious time to reply to me is very humbling. I am a perfect stranger, and you went out of your way to respond in such a kind manner. You're amazing, and this speaks volumes about the amount of compassion you have for others. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. The world needs more people like you, not less. I totally agree about the guy thing (sorry guys), but I'm sure they feel the same way about us. I pray you receive nothing but comfort, love, and peace in this life and the next. You have no idea how much you have touched me.

Praying for you and all who love you,

Darlene

Oh Darlene you are SO sweet!

Don't you see that it's WE who are all benefitting from YOU here?

Please jump into some other topics on this site, we all need and appreciate your positive attitude!

I'm very new so I'm actually a little scared of even peeking at the sex-with-colostomy pages until I get a little more brave. Could take months.  A year, maybe?

Love you, honey!

I wish you will be happy