|I would like to share tips, secrets, anything that helps intimacy be more alluring to others. Dont be shy, I need answers.|
Take it from this "dirty old woman"...you are plenty alluring as is!
Any confidence building advice from my new friends out there?
p.s. you really are gorgeous! Pity you so young!!!!)
Remember if the sex is good the wrapping paper doesn't matter
Second I have found that the more you treat it as nothing, your partner will treat it the same...........Remember if you are about to be intitmate and the juices are flowing in the right areas, there is nothing that should detract from that once the show goes on...........
I have had both good and interesting experiences, but nothing that can deter me from continuing in my quest....People in general are more understanding than you think( but there will always be those that run the other way).........
Go slow and with confidence........Michael
| I agree with my friend MaryA I also am an ole lady but I an't dead yet lot of young ladies should be glad to jump your bones! I would just advise you to tell them what you have if necessary show & tell if she is turnned off hell you don't need her, if she is interested go for it, not to be too rude or crude, you still have all the right equipment.you can go on line for products that kinda hide the ole bag ( I'm not talking about me the ostomy bag) Hee Hee
Remember if the sex is good the wrapping paper doesn't matter
Eddie, you and I know a good thing when we see it. LOLOL
Great guy you are
If I may add some thoughts here........For starters myabe you just havent met the right one yet.............You have to stay in the game and maybe , just maybe change the way you view it...........
Interesting how you think its the punishment ( having the bag) for the suffering we went through, and I look at my Ostomy as the greatest gift of my life, and proceed with those feelings. I FIRMLY believe and live it this way, that how I view it and embrace it is how my partner will view it and embrace it......When we are being intimate( the social animals we are) we inherently feed off of each others feeling and emotions and then proceed with those feelings and emotions while being initmate or socially close...........I call it the human dynamic and it is what it is and cant be changed....What needs the change is us and how we act accordingly..We just have to learn to work within those parameters..........
I wish you luck. I feel your pain through your words................Can I ask if you have seeked out any help for the emotional stress i sense in your words......A counselor if you will................Stay well and keep sharing........Thats how we heal each other.........Your friend Michael
I think intamacy is still possible with a stoma.
My husband got his when he was 32, 2 years after we were married. I think we pretty much continued as always in that department. I loved him so much that I could not really imagine life without him and the colostomy was a small price to pay in exchange for his life. He is a very positive person so he does not dwell on in very much. Obviously, there are is all the usual ugly crap that goes with having one and its not easy to get used to, but he never convinced himself that he was no longer sexually attractive. That made things a lot easier for me. The truth is I never even see it or think of it when I look at him, the colostomy has nothing to do with the person he is and has no bearing on the way I see him.
-That being said, I do have to add that it is best to shower right before the sex. Like, the other person really can smell it if your nose is right up against it. He forgets sometimes and still acts like that issue isnt there bit i have to tell him it stinks and he needs to shower. At first it would really upset him but we are at a point that he just takes the tip and does what he needs to do.
-Also, oral if there is something in the bag is a little bit gross. Honestly, I am not crazy about that whole thing and i guess he knows that because he does not press me to do it. However, after a shower and a fresh bag its perfectly fine.
I know its different when you just meet a person for the first time and have to tell them about the colostomy but I still think it can turn out well with the right person.
If its just casual sex then I am sure you can conceal it to some extent.
If its a relationship I would wait a while before telling the person, like wait until they are completely into you and then explain. Honestly, its really not disgusting or disturbing at all once a person gets used to it. We barely even think about it anymore. To us its just a matter of fact part of life and we share it like any other mundane thing.
The bag even burst all over me one day when we were having sex. Once again, not grossed out, just showered and moved on. I think the right person would understand.
I hope this helps even a little.
Chris you have your health and your mind and enough food ...So in my book you are good to go.......
chris Im gonna be blunt here..........PUT it in perspective. There is Intimacy on many fronts.....Mental emotional and yes physical..............Start with the mental intimacy and then emotional intimacy and I can assure you will get all the physical initmacy you could want...........But to just focus on the physcial( penis and vagina stuff) is not gonna cut it on this site for me to read and continue to respond to...........You are not a teenager. YOu are a grown man and need some assistance in getting things in the right order thats all.........Please , try and not be so negative..............thats all........Michael
Maybe my post came out wrong. I was just trying to be honest as well as helpful.
I absolutely want to have sex with my husband and I think if I met him now with the colostomy and he was the same person he is now I would still be as attracted to him as usual. We have an amazing relationship and and amazing sex life. The fact is its an honest relationship between two people that are human.
The reality of the situation is its not pleasant. As you know, no one would choose to have a colostomy. No one would honestly say its no big deal no matter how positive a person you are. We have both been through bouts of depression about the whole thing from time to time. But my point was that the intimacy part is as good as always. I look at my husband and I see the same sexy person I married. He has no problem walking around naked in front of me. He still dresses up for me and wants to look good for me, he still flirts with me, he still initiates sex as much as he used to. The colostomy part is nothing to me and my point is that there have got to be tons of people out there that feel the same way.
The only thing is, precautions have to be taken before engaging in sexual acts to make sure everything is fine. It is the very same precaution I take when I plan to be intimate, I want to make sure everything is fine on my end. Maybe when you have the colostomy you have to face the fact that it may take more effort to take the precautions. It used to tie me up in knots deciding if I should tell my husband the truth and I finally decided to do it. I don't say it hurtfully, we joke around about the whole thing.
Honestly, I did not mean to make you sick. I feel very badly.
Like I said, I was just trying to show that it can be done and work out in the end.
I guess I am just not that good a writer.
I am 33, sexually active with a temporary colostomy.. My husband has been fabulous throughout the entire experience and it has not altered our sex life at all.
Christopher, i hope that you accept your illeostomy as a gift of life one day, and that you do find happiness.
Last edited by demons on Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
Some advice from a person who has been there, than had her's removed than now there again.. I have not let my colostomy bag get in the way with intimacy. It has only made me more excited about the challenge it has left me. Um how can I somewhat hide this appliance and still look sexy to my mate??? Well we all know how men Love or most garder belt and stockings so I've (not a fantastic sewer but all the same) made one that was just alittle bit wider than norm and adding some beautiful lace and let me tell you it worked...
And just when his hand journey its way to that location I would guide it to a more appealing area. Just be more inventive and like so many have mentioned if its the right lady it will not matter. I think using some quick fix dressing such as wound care bandage just enough to cover your appliance should do the trick. Most women fall for the wounded lol.... its that nurturing instinct that gets us everytime... I hope this will help you... Good luck and keep us posted... your friend Denise
I'm going to take a guess here and make an observation....maybe it isn't your OSTOMY that people don't want to be around, perhaps it's your attitude. I don't intend for that to be hateful or mean at all, it's a fact.
Food for thought.
I am very self conscious about the whole thing and every time I look at myself, I cry. I know he still finds me attractive and tries to play down the whole issue, but I have to learn to accept myself as I am (for now) and just deal with it. I'm not there yet, but I will get there. It's not easy, but with the right person, it's not a death sentence either.
Christopher, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and I am glad you are here as you are obviously looking for some support. Everyone here, is here to provide support and encouragement to each other as well as get some questions answered. We all have bad days, some more than others, but try to focus on the good ones. I hope you find and accept the friendship and support from all in these forums, as I have.
Chris- Im sure you feel this way bc you haven't had any luck with the women you choose to associate with...Like i say "if you think negative- negativity will be!" js try to be positive and you will see change in many ways. Hate and Death are two strong words!.. Lighting up your healthy and your life can change if you want to change. So make the best out of it! Im sure their someone that does want to be with you for who you are.
Hunn, don't feel bad you will be fine it takes to adjust but im sure you busy lots in your life with your husband. He loves and sure he wants to be with you...js slowly grow in to having intimacy with him..
From someone who has been there and back Maybe this can help...When I look down at my iliostomy Im like ok not so attractive or sexy but ummm lets see what I can do??
My adventurist challenging side came out. With a little creativity (not a great sewing but all the same) I know how Men adore garder belt and stockings so I made one just alittle bit wider than the ones you'd buy in the store and adding a little sexy lace to it and trust me when your in the moment its all good... my mate said he doesn't even see it.
Also when his hand journeys up to that area I just guide it back to a more alluring area...
I am one of those people who will not let my appliance fill up I empty it as often as possible.
Also for odor (have not had much of a problem with that) but I follow the food suggestion to help this matter. But for those of you who have it they say adding mouth wash to your bag will help.
Now men, what could help is using wound care bandages to cover your bag, Just fold your bag and cover with dressing... trust me know one will even know its there (appliance) and most women's natural nurturing instincts come out when theres scars or dressings.. lol
Thats for those who are with someone new or many even those in a long relationship.
Hope this helps and don't give up...... take it as a challenge and be creative.
Christopher, you use the word "punishment" over and over. Punishment implies a crime or crimes that you have committed. What are they? What have you done that is so evil, what have we all done that is so evil that we deserve punishment. Actually we all have sinned in our lives, that is part of our nature and we can't avoid that. But we can accept the love God extends to us as sinners through Christ. Any idea that we are unforgivable and thus, need to be punished is evil and is a lie through Satan. You need to tell the old creep to back off and go away, you are loved by God. Then you need to know that God created you (you did not emerge from the primordial ooze) in order to get to know you and love you. If you have a relationship in which you take your pain to Him and listen to Him I think you will learn that you are punishing yourself far more than anyone else is. Try to help others in some way, in whatever manner you choose. Maybe at work, or school or whatever life you lead. Forget about the bag and concentrate on love that you can give and you will receive it.
Hopping down off the soapbox now. Get ready to fire those tomatoes, but please! Not stinky rotten ones.
Last edited by salidachristine on Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
|Hi. I've been in therapy for six years and have been on every antidepressant known to man. I know what reality is and this is it. What we have is one of the last taboos of human culture. It is a punishment, in my mind. Those are my feelings, I certainly hope that others do not feel the same and that they have great lives. I have not. My life has been a living hell over the last six years with no change in sight. It's a curse in my eyes. For others, I hope it is a positive thing. I'm glad you have made it positive for yourself. For me, it will never be.|
Hi Chris, I think these are some really strong words and truly hope they are just a momental state of mind. I looked around the forum and I found something very positive you said in the past, in another topic:
|I understand the life changes that ostomy surgery brings. It has not been an easy road for me; it's not easy for anyone. I don't think being negative about it will do any good for anyone. The truth is, without this surgery, may of us would be dead today. I didn't have a choice to have this surgery. It was surgery or die. I was 28 at the time. I wasn't ready to die. I'm now 34, and after 5 years of struggle dealing with the illness, the surgeries, the loss, and the insecurities, I'm still glad to be alive. Some days are harder than others. But I still have my life. Others do not. I'm one of the lucky ones. We all are. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Are we better people because of it? Absolutely. Are our lives over? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I believe that finding love is a possibility, I believe that my sex life is not over, I know that my health is better than it has ever been. I know that I will not worry about finding a bathroom every five minutes. I know that I can travel. I know that I can eat more foods than I ever could. I know that I won't bleed out ever again. I know that I'm a survivor. Let's celebrate the fact that we have all SURVIVED.|
I hope you get back on your feet and overcome the negative emotions built up inside you.