Jemmy,
Living with an ostomy is hard. Period. However, there are things you can do to make your life a little less miserable. More on that below. I too, would love to be reversed. But I was the victim of an unnecessary surgery, and lost three perfectly viable organs because a surgeon thought he knew better than a 60-year-old woman knew her own body. I was lied about, lied to, had pertinent data withheld from me, (lying by omission) and I was poisoned with drugs to combat a disease I did not have and the test results -- PROOF -- were in the doctor's hands. I refused to take those drugs orally because of past experience but I was given them by IV being told it was nutrients when it was the same drugs I had refused. So for me, the ability to be reversed was lost because I will die before I ever set foot in any hospital again, for any reason. The satisfaction of apologies and compensation will never be enough to get me past my loss of faith in the medical industry.
Your situation is definitely different than mine. You appear to have had a number of attempts and "chances" to do away with your ileostomy. Your surgeon appears to be honest with you. No one ever really understands what living with an ostomy is like until they themselves find that stoma on their own belly. But I don't think I could risk death to do away with this major inconvenience. I seem to be unable to risk reversal just because of an inability to trust.
Now, about living with the ileostomy. I have not slept more than 4 hours in a stretch in four years, and for the first three years, it was not more than 2 hours at a time. I have learned that if I tape the bag around the edge of the part that adheres to the body, it helps to prevent leaks which allows me some peace of mind. I have found that if I sleep in the recliner half upright, I have fewer issues with the bag breaking open. An upright bed could serve this same purpose. Anti-gas products (Beano, Gas-X) can help with the noises, and eating on a regular schedule also helps that issue. An empty stomach causes more noise. And, although I am not a fan of medications, antidepressants can help with the anxiety of dealing with the real-life issues of an ostomy, as well as help you to sleep a bit more, and better. Ask your doctor for something like Xanax. I have used a 1mg dosage for the times when the anxiety seems to be more than I can handle, and it has helped me get to that four hours of uninterrupted sleep. I'm aiming for eight! Do you have legal medicinal marijuana? You might want to consider it, as modern medicine seems to be turning to the belief that it is more helpful than any narcotics. I'm in North Carolina, so it's not an option here, but if it were I would at least try it before Xanax. But, that's just me, and only you can decide what avenue you want to travel.
One more thing. You say your family is against your surgery. You are right that only you can decide what's right for you, but you do have folks in your corner, and you should at least consider their loss, should things not go as planned. They love you. Never lose sight of that. It's important, too.
Peace
Nancy