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My Humble Opinion On SEX With An Ostomy

Posted by Past Member

**danceing and singing*** Lets talk about sex babbyyy lets talk about YOU and ME lets talk about sex! hey! lets talk about sex!

Alright SO, a topic I've decided to blog about can be a touchy one, which is- getting intimate with an ostomy. But, everyone does it! Unless you're a monk or.. something. But for the most part- no need to be shy! As some of you already know, my opinions are stated bluntly in all my writing and you are allowed to disagree- but... this is my blog therefore- I will be giving it to you straight- of my humble opinion on the matter.

So, firstly- just to get it out of the way, if you have a reversed ostomy and are self conscious of scars- DONT BE... all you gotta do is give your surgeon a cool nickname like- bear.. shark... dinosaur whatever it may be. Then just tell your partner that you got attacked by a bear/shark/dinosaur and in the process got your colon/rectum/intestines/whatever it is- removed. You arn't lying- cuz you're really talking about your surgeon. They'll think its so cool they'll be practically ripping your clothes off! Okay, but in all seriousness- scars are epic and show that you're a bad ass... dont hide em. And again- in all seriousness- dont feel the need to hide your surgery- you can be honest with your partner- its not as big a deal as it may seem.

Moving onto Ileostomies and colostomies etc. Well, I will give you some steps that I personally would use as ice breakers and to feel less self conscious of the bag. But just point out- in the end if the person loves you for you- they wont mind the bag. I know some of you have commented on how everyone wants "skin to skin" not "bag to skin" but... come on! people have sex with shirts on and shoes and socks or whatever- a bag is not exactly any different.

BUT! here are some steps for you to maybe feel a little more comfortable along with some topics i'll cover.

Firstly- empty the bag, and also try to eat a few marshmellows ahead of time to slow down your digestive system.

If you're a female (or male- if you so choose to do this), a GREAT way to cover up the bag is to wear Lingerie. Personally- im 100% a fan of lingerie. Wanna be a sexy maid?! Go for it! bonus- it covers that pesky ostomy bag right up! For men, wanna be a manly sexual firefighter? The bag could even work as part of your uniform! Try on a few things, or make a outfit at home! Have fun with it.

The next thing you could do- is one of my personal favorites. I ALWAYS like people to embrace their bag and use it as a tool to benefit their life. So. this step is easy, simple and fun! Which is to take a permenant marker and write a sexual message on your bag for your partner. Nothing beats writing "suck my dick" on your ostomy bag for your girlfriend or wife to discover later!

Sex should be fun, so if you want to incorporate stuff like toys, whipcream or whatever- do it! Hey, its your sex life. You gotta enjoy it. Making your sex life interesting and fun will distract you from focusing on your ostomy bag. Get creative- do things you wanna try. I find alot of people arnt fully satisfied with thier sex life because they are to shy to ask thier partner to try new things. Well, time to get outta your comfort zone Gladis! 

Games! I love games. I love mixing it up and trying new things- games will help you take your time with foreplay but in it, also get more comfortable with your ostomy. Strip poker, a sex boardgame, strip anything- whatever you do. Take your time with it- and dont start feeling self concsious. 

Water sex. Now this one- I will admit- you gotta be careful. Make sure that your bag is secure and wont leak. But at the same time, if you're up at the cottage and in a lake- I wouldnt nessissary rule out going bagless. SO LONG as you're 100% sure you wont get bacteria around your stoma, and Im not a doctor- so definetly check with your own before you go out swimming bagless. But, i mean, if its a lake- you might be able to have fun without a bag (but again- this is my thoughts- i dono if its actually safe or appealing to anyone)- but, water sex is fun, shower sex is fun, bathtub sex. All fun- just make sure you have it secure. 

One night stands. Not that im promoting having one night stands- but! if it is a one of those YOLO moments where you find yourself in a one night stand, I wouldnt even worry about the ostomy- you might not ever see the person again, they might be too drunk to notice or- better yet. you might be too drunk to care! Just be safe.

For those of you who are sick to the point of not being able to have sex, and that can be hard on both you and your partner. Dont play the guilt/depression card. You may not to be able to go have passionate wild intimacy, but theres alot of things you can do. Life doesnt stop when you're sick- and trust me, Ive been really sick before. Its a miracle Im alive- so i know how it feels to be weak and not in the mood. Just stay positive and keep your mind open. Think outside the box and discover ways things can get intimate without breaking your physical limits.

The next thing I encourage you to do, is gonna sound super cheesy. But it's to be 100% honest with yourself and self reflect on if you find youself attractive or not. This can be a hard thing to do because we all have days where we dont feel attractive at all- and it doesnt help if you're feeling sick. Now, if you dont find yourself attractive the next step is to make a plan to change that. You control the way you look- no excuses. So, if you dont feel attractive- thats bound to affect your sex life. Go out, get a new cool modern haircut, update your wardrobe, dedicate yourself to going to a gym or working out if you wanna get more in shape. In the end- dont just sit there and feel sorry for yourself- go out and do something about it. For those who already feel mostly comfortable in their own skin- continue to just check in on how you feel about your apperance. I know I consider myself a confident individual but we ALL have our moments- any gender, any age, at any time we can feel not our best. 

OKAY! well- thats my humble opinion, If i think of anything else I'll definetly add it. But for now- all i can say is- be safe, have fun, and dont be afraid of having sex with an ostomy. Dont fear it! Embrace it! If you have any questions or comments- you know what to do! - comment below!

Be kind to one another! -Cinderella.

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Comments:
Past Member: Cinderella i invented sex so no good asking you for advice... they dont call me sex god for no reason :D
Past Member: my penis is bigger than my bag so im not worried about my sex life one bit lol
Past Member: plus when your as good as me in the bedroom a bag doesnt matter because they go home walking like john wayne lol
Past Member: You think your a man but your only a boy!!!SING WITH ME GIRLS!!! At first i was afraid , i was petrified! when u said u had 10 inches, lord i almost died!but id spent so many nights just waiting for a man that long, that i grew strong and knew that i could take u on... But there u are ,another lie, I was ready for a Big mac and u brought me a french fry! I should have known that it was bullshit , a sad pathetic dream! should have known there was no anaconda lurking in ur jeans! Go on now - go - walk out the door dont u promise me 10 inches and then turn up with 4 .. weren't u a prat to think i wouldnt find out? Dont u no were only joking when we say size dont count? I will survive as long as i have batteries, my sex life's going to thrive! I will always have good sex with a handful of latex i will survive i will survive HEY HEY :)))))))))
Past Member: oh god these comments are to die for- and liam, in WHAT world are you a sex god? please, 3 inches is nothing to boast about! ;) love ya xoxo
Past Member: hahahahaha!!!
Captain Tact : For me, there was a LOT of worry about bag-on-skin contact. A lot of self-conciousness involved there.I did find that her being on top helped a LOT- even if there was a little less intimacy involved. Also, i would flip the bag up and tape it securely.Try it in the woods sometime- it's a nice change and a lot of fun...just watch out for blackflies and hikers!
Past Member: captain tact- you are my hero... Also- may i just suggest for men- doggie style is amazing for both- and the chick isnt gonna have view of the bag.
Captain Tact : For which? The woman on top or going out to the woods? ;-) Believe me, there were a couple close calls...And yeah, doggie works pretty well too....it's fun for both, gives everyone access to everything and still allows for a nice amount of skin on skin contact. Always sexy, that.
InAZnLookin : I unfortunately haven't had the pleasure of being intimate with a woman since my wife of 6 years left me. I had my ostomy when I was with her and our sexs life took the tumble from hell. We tried but my bag fell off too many times and talk about ruining the moment with shit all over a boner, her ass and pussy! It ruins the moment real quick and leaves lasting impressions of doubt! Plus my woody fell real quickly when it was covered in shit! We tried every which way and I think I just kept fearing that my bag would fall off. Plus, I have a J pouch that failed and the docs are not willing to remove it so every time I ejaculate the green butt slime cums running out my ass. And that is not something I really want to share with a new lover. Plus all of my bags are clear and drop right over my cock. I cant imagine if I was a woman wanting to see what I ate for dinner much less hearing the inadvertent call of the wild stoma, during oral sex. I'd really appreciate any feedback as this is a huge fear of mine that I will never be able to be intimate again.
Captain Tact : Try folding the bag in half up and taping it to your skin. That takes care of the problem of it hanging down. you can get opaque bags (call the major players and ask for samples...they'll set you up) which will help with the visual aspect. As far as the noises...eat, eat, eat...see what makes noises and what doesn't. See if Gas-x or a similar product will help reduce the noise. Try everything you can to experiment and THEN go out and find a woman when you are at your most confident.
kauaiclyde : I long for the day to even kiss a woman again. I have had a colostomy for 6 years and a supra-pubic PLUS am paralyzed from waist down and in a wheelchair. Wish I ONLY had to worry about a bag. Those who worry take tips. There are so many ways to hide a bag that I am surprised to see some continually complain about not being able to hide or have sex with them. Buy some 3 tape and tape that sucker down, wear a t-shirt, allow her to get naked as she pleases, and if questions arise, explain that you have had some operations and the scars are not-so-attractive and you do not wish her to feel less about you, there will be plenty of time for that after she gets to know you better! Just Joking! But I often wonder what it would be like to be with a woman again, to hold her, to feel her breath on my neck, to get lost in her kisses and I see my chances are not-so-good. I fell in love with a woman I had never met long before this all happened, so I say to all of you - go for it - it could certainly be a lot more hopeless than what it is. Believe me, I know. But the dream is still there . . .
Past Member: InAZnLookin, I feel for ya, but like Captain Tact said, you can buy opaque bags which will hide the visual shit. Also, try eating foods that will thicken and slow down the digestive system- marshmellows, bananas, toast, applesause rice, that sorta thing. Gas X can also help with noises. Using tape might be perfect for you- also, if you can, before having sex, theres a certain bag that is smaller, if you put on a smaller bag, less chance you have of it falling off. (a larger bag is more at risk to be tugged at) Be creative- heck maybe you can get HER to tape you up, with some kinky kinda bondage thing. Do some research, figure out a game plan and then GO FOR IT! Go get all sexual and head out to a bar, mingle, try speed dating- whatever it is. Dont be afraid to get back out into the field- its gonna be trial and error but its worth it in the end.
Past Member: Kauaiclyde, YOU MADE ME CRY! you seem like a big romantic by the sounds of it- so now im gonna give you the load down of my opinion on what can work for you. Since you got mastering the bag pretty much down- (good for you) Im gonna talk woman to you. You clearly have the gift of romance- use that to your advantage, the next step is to not be shy, force yourself into new uncomfortable situations and talk to women. Buy them a drink at a bar, be yourself but also take risks. Dont be afraid of rejection either! I cant imagine being paralyzed from the waist down- but when i was 14, i had to learn how to walk all over again, yep- wheel chair, walker, the works. But its not the same- i know. im just trying to relate in some way. But just know, theres alot of girls who wont care about you being paralyzed or the colostomy. Just keep searching and dont give up hope. You'll find her.
Captain Tact : Ditto....there's a scratch for every itch. Not just physically...emotionally, spirituality and mentally. When you find the person whose itch you are, you'll be a happier healthier person and so will they.Having said that...and this goes for everyone nervous about sex with an ostomy...oral. lots and lots of oral. It lets you be intimate without skin on pouch contact, and allows both of you to orgasm (or come close) until you're both ready for sex.
Past Member: Let The Bag See The Fanny Crack Thats my quote hahahahaha
Past Member: No one can tell me about sex anyway cos im a Sexpert got a degree in it at college
Past Member: id like proof of that liam... :P
Past Member: My certificate is somewhere ill try and find it.. lol muwhahahaha
PRIVACY : In all my 30 rs with an Ileostomy the bag has been the least of my worries the sex has been very very good W.T.F who cares just go for it and see what happens I have travelled the world with no problem lived in the Middle East for 25 years now in Sri LANKA AND LOVING IT
Monsieur Le President : Funnily enough an anagram of Liam Cupra is Arsehole
christiesdad : The most useless thing in the world is unsought advice, (ask any golfer!) To attempt to give advice on sex with an ostomy is a total misuse of words. That is something that must be , and will be, worked out by those involved. To offer how to's is rediculose. Left alone each person will eventually work it out, whether it be a couple or a single person. There is no protocol for sex with an ostomy AND your advice might, to that person just cause more harm than good. What works for you might not work for them.. Be careful with your advice.
Captain Tact : Yeah, but if the advice is to not give up...how is THAT bad advice.Hey you! Yeah, you...gonna be alone forever! Get used to it!Is just TERRIBLE!Hey you! Yeah, you....be happy with who you are. Here are some ideas that work for us to make things a little better/easier/bearable/less embarrassing...maybe they'll work for you too! Try until you find something that DOES work! Don't give up!Is FAR, FAR better!
Past Member: christiesdad, I hate to disagree with you, but i do. When someone shares advice- they arnt pointing a gun at people forcing anyone to follow it, heck when i write, im trying to use humor in a way that people can laugh, but in the hidden message is to not give up. Alot of people have been hurt or have had their partners leave them due to their disease- me included. And no one has pointed fingers saying- you have to do this. its only mere suggestions and team talking and laughing about it. Lighten the mood and discuss. Everyones different- No one has the same sex life. Thats obvious. But suggestions are there to take if you want. To learn off one another. Everyone has free will to ignore, and also, free will to not read blogs or comments. If you dont like what people are saying, stop reading and ignore.
christiesdad : Cinderella,I stand corrected. I did not realize that your purpose was merely humor. I myself like to post some tongue-in-cheek comments.
kauaiclyde : Some people will comment out of ignorance, some will convey their thoughts out of stupidity. Advice is not a pill that one is forced to swallow. If it is given as advice, then accept it as so IF YOU CHOOSE! But to turn on a person that has written their advice instead of offering up your own is . . . what? You have added nothing that has intrinsic value, and you are extrinsic to those that would like to hear what others may offer up. Thank You Cinderella, you are fantastic and your comments very much appreciated by those that seek ideas AND advice! For someone so young, you are speaking with many years of experience, and that means that somewhere down the line, you listened instead of interrupting. There is a saying from the Old West - When yer talkin', ya ain't learnin' and it would be nice for more to follow that piece of wisdom. And now I think I will shut my mouth and open my ears . . .
christiesdad : Kauiclyde,if your remarks are directed towards me, then;Re-read YOUR comments while looking in a mirror!
kauaiclyde : Conscience?
Captain Tact : hey guys, this sniping and fighting is getting no one anywhere. Cinderella started this to help people with an ostomy know that there are ways to be intimate with an ostomy- ways that will make BOTH parties happy with the outcome. You wanna snipe, take it somewhere else, since what's going on will only drive people away.Now.Having said that....if you have trouble getting hard, give her all the oral sex she can stand- if you're good enough, all the stoma noises in the world will mean bubkes.
Past Member: I always say... Let the bag see the gash lol haters going to hate lol
Past Member: i appreciate your insight Cinderella, and enjoyed your feeling and idea's. As far as the jerks and assholes, just another day! Don't take it to heart and fuck em if there ignorant! I found that duct tape and sandwich bags are very stealth. No problems with leakage and works in a pinch. A few ladies I have been with didn't notice ;)and no accidents. I have found this to be at my advantage and I stay alot cleaner because I don't have to reuse anything.
Past Member: DwReed, thanks I love getting feedback. In saying that I like feedback both positive and negative. I promote honesty and sometimes i'll disagree with a comment or i'll agree. I'll reply accordingly. So for the small convo above- everyone... calm down. We are a community, which is defined to be group of people living together with a common factor. Our factor is having an Ostomy. We as a community.. we cant turn on one another- lets be a family... in saying that, families fight ALL the time, but we also push through it and stick together. Lets take a time out, count to ten, and then revisit this by taking a page from Scarlet Ohara... We made it through the war. I know you guys went through hell, and we all have life stuff to deal with, so basically it's like Atlanta has burned. And yet, in spite of everything, we persevere. I love you all and I appreciate everyones comments. Be kind to one another. -Cinderella
Past Member: Cinderella you have caused a right drama here haha!
Past Member: right drama? haha whats that? is that good? :$
Past Member: its basically means domestic ... hence drama lol put your thinking cap on ;)
Captain Tact : I've understood it to mean an excessive quantity thereof. Examples? Cinderella is a right foxy girl! And Captain Tact is a right dirty old man!
Past Member: i have no comment.... .'''''
Captain Tact : *lol* I really am not...more of a dirty old man in training. And you're only medium foxy. *nods*. We now return to your regular programming.
Past Member: lol Captain CrashCup you are the worst example of Tom Cruise in Top Gun TacTLeSS Medal of Dishonor to you Sir!
Past Member: BAHAHHAHAHA!
hopeful 1 : kauaiclyde I can relate. Im female paralyzed have a supra pubic and recently got the colostomy ,thinking it was going to allow me to eat without have extreme pain in my intestines. But its really not that much better. I get gas pain it hurts so bad I compare it to labor pains. I never had issues with the suprapubic catheter and have been in 2 long term relationships and neither did my boyfrinds. Now that I have the ostomy I cant imagine being with anyone in fear of the bag coming off, but if we really think about it, its like worrying about having a bowel accident during sex and I only had it happen one time in 26 yrs of being paralyzed. And it really didnt bother my boyfriend as much as it did me. So the good side is we dont have to worry about that happening at all. Nor the torture of doing a BP. Since your injury is lower than mine you may not have had a problem with that. I have found a couple things on line that I think would help anyone worrying about the bag coming off or being able to see in the bag. I like the clear bags but dont like others to see. Check out Pouch Pals.com The lady makes covers that are made to fit the bag you use. You tell her the company and bag number. There are quite a few designs or just plain to choose from for men and some sexy lace and pastel colors ones for women. Where the hole is to go over the wafer it has elastic and it fits snug and helps keep the bag from coming unsnaped They range from 10.00-14.00 each. I just got it so I havent used it along time but with Hollister the wafer has a space behind the edge of the ring the elastic rests in so I dont think Id have any problems with it coming undone and it matches the garder I use to hold my leg bag on my thigh.(I always wear a skirt) Anyone that sees it says what a cool idea. BEWARE of others that make pouch covers that cost less because some are cheaply made and dont have the elastic, they are a one size fits all and you have to trim the material down to fit the wafer and the cover was smaller than my bag and the material didnt stretch at all so it wouldnt allow my bag to hold as much. Also check out Stealthbelt at http://stealthbelt.com/about/how-to-video...They are costly but the bag ig completely enclosed and secured which would be great for someone doing sports swimming etc. The have alot of prints and styles. I hope this info helps anyone with fear of the pouch coming off or it being seen. You dont have to worry about it hanging down covering your stuff...lol
jjj0922 : I wish I could trade problems sometimes. I had 4 major strokes within 2 weeks of each other in 2002, an ileostomy done in 2008, and I have peripheral Neuropathy that started in my feet in 2009 and slowly got more painful and spread to where it is now everywhere in my body except for my neck and head. The pain is terrible 24/7. One of the few things that still works good on me is my manhood and my desire in that area is still strong. I've been married to my lover and also my best friend for 48 years. She had to start taking a certain type of medicine about 5 years ago that killed her sex drive and we haven't been intimate for nearly that long where we had been making love nearly everyday until we were in our late forties then several times a week thereafter until about 5 years ago as I said. I love her to death but sometimes my mind and eyes wander thinking of getting a lover.
Teddiee : Well.......when telling a new partner about your "little friend", avoid the word "BAG" like the plague!! It's the word "bag" that cunjours up an immediate picture for the listener, of all the horrific things they MAY have heard about "bags", maybe some horror stories they may have come across even. I overheard one conversation that went ".....well, he had this bloody bag thing on.....and it EXPLODED and there was crap all over everyone". EXPLODED?

It's MUCH better to play down your horror story of your illness (many of us have these, including me!!) and just say you were really poorly and now have to wear a "dressing" on your tummy. Sounds loads better- right? Say "it does not bother me and I can do everything like swimming, horse riding, mountain climbing. I've had my Ileostomy for 45 years, and this explanation has always worked for me. Someone said..."do you mean a BAG"? I just replied...."no, a dressing, as some enzymes I cannot absorb". Seems to work a treat. A little white lie can save both sides a load of awkward embarrassment.

I ALWAYS wear a thin black short underskirt for intimate times. Sexy, and a discreet cover-up that stops the bag "flopping around".

NO-ONE, and I do mean no-one, has been, or will be able to convince me that a woman standing in the nude, with a "BAG" on, looks attractive. They DON'T!!, even if they have the most beautiful figure and fabulous "boobs". I hated the photos of that girl who posted worldwide, photos of herself in a bikini, wearing a bag. There are THOUSANDS of fabulous swimsuits that look much better, covering your appliance beautifully. Besides, the folks who liked those photos were probably Ostomists or do-Gooders and we're delighted to state their support and opinion for "being yourself, without giving a damn". No one mentioned the people who found her photos unattractive and distasteful. I'd have had to look away if I saw her, and I've got one!!

I also hate to see photos of guys (some on here in fact), with their bag showing ABOVE their low-waisted swimming shorts!! - YUK! There are loads of great men's swimming shorts that fit ON or just ABOVE the waist, which would discreetly cover the bag. In fact, I looked on line and there are some VERY TASTY guys wearing waist high swimming attire and they looked....well...superb - lol.

I'm CERTAINLY no prude!! I am very modern and trendy for my age. There's a saying....."better draped" and I agree with this 100 per cent when it comes to showing or not showing a bag. What are we trying to prove when exhibiting a bag? "Hey, look at me, aren't I the brave one?" errrr...NO, Or...."why should I "hide" my bag, I've got it - and this is ME!!" So what?? Conceal your bag folks......I, after 45 years with mine, do NOT wanna see mine or other people's bags "proudly" on show, thank you. You may have been through a lot - as I did - but there's no need to show it off so blatantly, just to get a tap on the back and a "Well done, you are sooooo brave" reaction. Yeah, you had no choice, right? It's the bag - or death - in a lot of cases.