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How's dating working out for you ostomates?

Posted by w30bob, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 1:25 am

Hi Gang,

 Well, I went and checked out the "other" ostomy dating website...........can I even say their name here?  I'll play it safe and not say it, but I'm sure you all know I'm talking about Osto-Date. Oh carp, I went and said it.  Darn. Ok, forget I said that.   

 Seems like that site is more focused on dating with minimal discussion, whereas  this site is more discussion with dating more of a background thing.  I saw many familiar faces on there that are also on here.........so I'm curious as to how that's working out for you guys.  I'm getting ready to get into the dating scene and really don't know if I should pretend having an ostomy is not an issue, or if I should really try to meet someone with an ostomy as well.  I'm pretty sure most women won't care about the ostomy, but will care about how my high output limits me from doing certain things.  But if we "connect" I think we could work thru that too. 

  What I really am not looking forward to is those awkward first or second dates where I have to explain my whole story.  To be honest I'm sick of hearing myself tell it.  Whether she bolts after hearing it or stays isn't all that important, because if she runs for the hills she's doing both of us a favor.  If she stays I realize it might only be temporary until she understands the full gravity of the situation.  And I still won't be mad if she then runs screaming for her momma.  But I'm getting off track here.........I'm talking about the "other" site.  So is that site working for you folks who want to date ostomates?  How do you overcome the distance problem.....that would seem to be a deal breaker for most relationships.  So if it's working for you please let me know.  I really don't want to waste my time reaching out to folks if it's pointless. 

thanks,

bob

Reply by Bill, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 3:06 am

Hello Bob. You raise several interesting concepts within your post and I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND i have any definitive answers. However, I would like to proffer the suggestion that nothing is really ever a complete waste of time as we learn from experience and those experiences colour and guide our decisions for the future. In your case, these experiences may well be very useful to communicate to others who may not wish to go down that route without someone else having travelled it before them. 

Good luck on your travels within the WWW and I hope you find what you are looking for.

Best wishes

Bill

Reply by withed, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 4:23 am

If we're specifically talking about that other site. I wonder how many of those profiles are real?

But since I have no intentions of dating someone across the globe and limit my search within 50km around my town, that site is pretty much of no use to me. I feel Americans don't have such issues with dating someone on the other coast side?

Reply by honestabe, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 9:25 am

Hello Bob! Think we have talked before! I am getting off 5 dating sites! Have permanent colostomy due to rectal cancer! Have dated around 30 women! 4 have lived with me for couple of months! They accepted my colostomy! I didn’t bother telling them unless there was chemistry! You can’t tell I’m wearing the bag! Don’t eat anything gassey day of date! Am intimate! There are a lot of lonely single people out there! I was one of them until I joined the dating sites! POF is a good dating site! Hope I have helped! Have fun!

Reply by Tickpol , on Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:59 am

I was thinking more the match etc. type sites for myself when (or if) I get back into dating.  I'll be an empty nester within a year and I'm sure the idea will be more attractive then.

 

I'm sure if you put that you're an ostomate in your profile you won't even get the odd tire kicker.  It's not that it's bad but at my age who wants to take that nonsense on.  Now the idea of waiting until something clicks makes sense.

 

My output is still not really under control and I've found myself second guessing some outings because the opportunity to drain my pouch is non-existent given my current frequency.  So if I don't do outings then dating is definitely not on deck. 

 

Between the baggage of my divorce and my pouch (pun intended) dating isn't a priority yet.

 

I do want to hear how thing go for you guys though.

Dave 

Reply by panther, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 3:57 pm

30 years of living with a stoma dating's never been a problem, all comes down to confidence your the expert you have to support and make your new partner feel relaxed about it.

I'm single by choice now I'm the problem nothing to do with having an ostomy.

I have jejunostomy they have the highest output of all the stoma's so Dr's & nurse tell me. But thats still not an issue for me never got in the way.

If I was looking to date I wouldn't just look for someone who has an ostomy if I did meet one wouldn't be a problem.

 

I've always been open and told anyone straight away I had an ostomy, in my younger days there may have been a few occasions I never got the chance to tell them first but thats another story lol.

I know how you feel about telling anyone about what & why you've had it done sends me to sleep myself just thinking about it, I always say I should make a recording of it so I can play that for them to listen to while I walk away and do something much more intresting lol, keep it light and fun and use humour save the serious stuff for latter on.

Long distance relationship wouldn't work for me seeing someone every few weeks or months isn't for me.

I'm set in my ways lol I know dating sites are the inn thing to do now but I belive in just living your life getting out there with family and friends having fun and you meet someone when it happens.

 

Reply by Sueaxe, on Wed Oct 09, 2019 9:58 pm

I find it quite 'amusing' that some certain 'pseudo' ostomy/dating sites still

proactively show pics of some 'past' members.

It seems to me lots of ostomy owners need to get a grip and move on with

the new you as best as you can, while you still can, no point moaning later, none.

Hiya Honestabe, hope ur well.

 

Tc

s

Reply by CuriousSoulAstray, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 3:00 pm

I agree with honestabe. I have no problems dating. My stoma is under control, knock on wood, and it does not prevent me from having a full life. I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything unless there is chemistry; and even then, I have been intimate a few times where my partner never knew I had a bag. It's about confidence, I have the opposite attitude. This is not leprosy, and it is not contagious, and it is nobody's dam business until I decide when and if I chose to tell anyone. And, when I tell anyone, I do not allow anyone to bother with it because I don't bother with it. Do not make a deal where there is none. You have to live with this, nobody else; it is nobody's business but yours, keep it that way. If you act like it does not matter, she will act accordingly. 

This is a distraction from deeper questions that do matter, are you sensitive, caring, warm, drama-free, self-sufficient, comfortable, romantic, funny, a bit charming, etc. etc. etc. etc. Concentrate on this and forget you have this condition; feel like you are such a catch, they have to woo you. Defense never works, offense always wins. 

Reply by withed, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 4:26 pm

I've read it a couple times now here with people saying that but how exactly can you be intimate with someone without them even knowing you have a bag? Are you talking beforehand or also during the act? I think I've read in another thread someone said they managed to hide it the entire time. 

Reply by honestabe, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:48 pm

Hello, I never take shirt off during intamacy!  Am little over weight! If having fun, she shouldn’t even think about it anyway! Ya know what I mean?

Reply by w30bob, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 7:43 pm

I'll work this reply backward.........

Honest.......even if you don't take your shirt off don't they feel it when you hug and caress?  I've hugged folks when I met them in hallways and at work and some naturally grab your waist when they give you a hug.  I can see the expression on their face when they touch my bag.......they don't know what it is, but something in their head says "hmmm...what is that and why is it there".  I've got no problem explaining it to folks, just don't see how you could keep a lover from knowing it's there.  Hey..........are you a magician???  No, I know......you have a bag shaped like a penis and when she sees it she gets excited thinking you have TWO!!  You are one smart guy!  I love it.

Withed......yeah.....see what I said above.

Curious.......I'm with ya brother.  My problem with what you said is I don't fall into the category of " it does not prevent me from having a full life".  My ostomy does prevent me from having a full life, and whomever I date needs to take that into consideration before she develops more serious feelings for me.  I don't think it would be fair to get her hopes uo of having found a great guy only to be told I can't do this and I can't do that.  That's the benefit of dating another ostomate that I see......there's some inherent understanding that doesn't have to justified or appologized for.  I've heard folks on here complain that their dates, once finding out they had an ostomy, disappeared.  If that were the case I wouldn't take it personally, nor would I hold it against them......but that's maybe more a level of maturity thing than anything else.  My rule for relationships has always been that if at any time you're not happy in this relationship just let me know and we can end it like mature adults.....and go our seperate ways without getting mad or having all that drama.  It's never really happened to me that way, but I'm totally cool with being honest with each other and either of us can leave for any reason at any time.  Maybe that attitude is not the norm, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  So I fully hear what you're saying, and I agree with it........as long as having an ostomy really doesn't impact you and eventually her.  In that case I think she needs to know so she can be honest with herself and with me. 

But keep the conversation going, I'm anxious to hear what others have to say.

later guys,

bob

Reply by warrior, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 9:47 pm

I will agree with Honest Abe about the POF web site. (Plenty of Fish in the SEA- was the expression )   a long time ago i was hitting it with 3, yes three ladies, one out of state and two here in Jersey. Had the time of my life too. There were others I met that we could not take it to next level for reasons of children, or bebounding..finances,distance,   but POF you can and should be able to get it on..Now this was a time PRE STOMA. I had a nice tummy then. hmm 2008?? 

as for MAO as a dating service??  hmm.. since I can't comment too much on what's supposedly "going on behind closed doors here",  dating from this site due to being married- ahem, soon to be divorce...I can say this:   Several attempts were made to contact several ladies and none but one replied asking what my intentions were.. oh there was another who moved a away from NJ and lives in PA.. I mean most profiles on here say looking for friendship and or relationship.  yet I get no replies and some "viewed" me ladies.. again , the married status  will effect this...  now the status has changed to separated and i need to wait and see.

I really am just interested to meet guys and girls and see how they cope with this damn freaking, smelly, ugly, disgusting bag. .. Right now, I dont know how comfortable I'd be with a osto mate-- intmately.. and I dont feel being one is a preresquite to allow me a guarantee to date them.. Nope, just being kind and open and listening is my deal and offering some tips.. for the moment.

I may try  POF again. chances are my account is still open but that happens after divorce. I am not a horndog...

For now, (10/10/2019)  MOA has not been very friutful even speaking to the ladies so I give it a thumbs down for being a so called dating service. To me it's more of info service. great people and advice and wow there happens to be some hotties,..... men and  women , too.   Good luck taking the chance. For now, to me, it's all talk if they reply.  carry on folks. 

Reply by w30bob, on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:39 pm

Hi warrior,

  Thanks for the reply.  I'm on POF, but haven't uploaded a pic or filled out the profile yet.  But now that I'm getting serious about dating again I'll get 'er done.  As for this site........I'd say it's a bit wacked simply because profiles aren't dated and you're probably trying to message someone who's long gone.  When you get on here there's all those pics of members.  I've clicked on a bunch, read the profiles and even sent some messages to some because it sounded like I could answer a question or was in a similar situation. Then I'd read their posts and realize these folks hadn't posted on here in years.  What a waste of my time.  So now I read the profiles but won't message anymore.  And as for dating on here there's no one that lives close enough...........and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.  I did check out the other ostomy dating site and that seems to be where the action is regarding ostomate dating.  Still don't know if it makes sense to date another ostomate........but will continue to ponder.......and listen to what folks say on here.  Now where did I put my fishing pole and hip waders.........................

regards,

bob

Reply by Tickpol , on Fri Oct 11, 2019 9:46 am

Bob,

I had some luck with POF back when I dated but as a free site the folks on it aren't always really invested with meeting people.

 

I'd say go Match or better yet eHarmony.  The more expensive the service the more likely that the folks on it are serious about meeting someone.

 

Dave

Reply by withed, on Fri Oct 11, 2019 10:19 am

Tinder has been the most succesful in dates number wise for me. Althought I met my last girlfriend on an app called Happypancake. I'm just not fond of dating sites where both parties have to have a subscription in order to connect. Most are rather scummy where they don't even tell if the other person is able to contact you back and then offer a premium subscription on top of a regular subscription so free members can contact you. 

I don't mind paying for Tinder Gold just so you can have a more reactive approach instead of endlessly swiping for others to match you. Which can happen a week or so later in which case I often can't remember why I swiped that person. Oops. I rather match instantly so the interest is still as fresh as can be.

Happypancake is totally free but depending on your location there may or may not be many active people. But I suppose that doesn't mean anything since even with only a handful people in my area I found someone where I spend 6 months with until we broke up again.

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