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Discontinued sex life

Posted by catttters, on Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:38 pm
Hello, Im a new illiostomy patient. Im a bit frustrated about the death of my sex life. im a very happily married man with a beautiful daughter. Since my opperation i have been told in very clear terms that there is going to be no sex for the duration of my bag. Luckily its only 6 months until i have my reversal but when u add the 2 months prior it seems like a life sentance. I understand her feelings but im just a bit disappointed and sexually frustrated. I love my wife more than anything and i would never cheat under any circumstance. Has anybody been in a simillar position who can offer some advice?
Reply by Primeboy, on Tue Feb 11, 2014 12:59 am
Hi Catt, and welcome to this site. Why don't you check out the forum dealing with intimacy and dating. I recall there was a posting some time ago by a member who lamented the death of her sex life too only to discover from a ton of responses: "It ain't necessarily so." So, who told you that you could have no sex? I suspect it was not your surgeon. Perhaps, in all due respect, your wife might also read some of these postings. Good luck!
Reply by robbin, on Thu Feb 13, 2014 11:34 pm
Catt. First of all I'm sorry your wife has rejected you in this way. So many times our partners, wife's ect think that this could NEVER happen to them. Illness comes in many ways. I hope you remain understanding when and if she becomes sick. I wish you all the luck and commend you for loving and staying with someone who sounds so selfish. I can assure you that sex is NOT out of the question. Take care and keep us posted.
Reply by ladydi53, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 7:07 am
Hi.  Who told you that there would be no sex?.  There are many aspects to sex without actual intercourse.  My partner has problems because of several operations for prostate cancer and I have a colostomy.  We satisfy each other without actual intercourse.  If you really love each other and very open you can use other ways to satisfy each other.   Remember the necessity is the mother of invention and you can do other methods to develop a very satifying sex life without intercourse.  Have an open mind.   Good luck.
Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 8:07 am
hi, I don't think for one minute that there is a medical reason for no sex, as I have asked my nursing colleagues as I am now retired and not so up to date, if there would be any physical problems or concerns with a person having sex after an ileostomy or colostomy. Everyone did some checking and all have come back with the same conclusion its a big fat NO.
You are completely capable of enjoying the pleasure of intimacy in whatever way you find satisfying.
I think it might be an emotional response from your partner. It may not necessarily be because she is grossed out, she may be concerned that you could be hurt, or the bag could come away.
I would suggest that you sit down and have a very frank conversation and ask her what her concerns are and that you want her honesty and will not take personally anything that she has to say. This should reassure her that you are not just after sex but worried about her concerns or fears.
If she is grossed out or worried about the bag coming loose, then ask her if you could wrap yourself in ceran or glad wrap (the clear plastic on a roll that clings to itself). This will hold the bag secure and you could always wear a T shirt to cover it.
I am confident that if she is reassured that you won't come to any harm, and you wrap/cover up it won't be on display and she won't be so bothered by it.
Please try to understand her perspective and be patient but honest with each other.
I wish you well and good luck. Lorraine
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:59 am
51 year old male here. There is a belt you can wear that completely covers the pouch. I have one and it works great. My ileostomy has never had any impact on my sex life, and I am single.

Good Luck

James Matta
Rhode Island
Reply by VeganOstomy, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 12:04 pm
catttters wrote:
Since my opperation i have been told in very clear terms that there is going to be no sex for the duration of my bag.

Any particular reason? If you cover up with a wrap or belt, then it's no different from her wearing lingerie. There certainly aren't any medical reasons to stop for that long.

For many of us, our ostomy gave us back our sex life, I know it did for me after 5 years of virtually no intimacy because of my illness.

Wishing you the best!
Reply by dtkaye, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:53 pm
Have you tried wearing a very small closed-end pouch during sex?  I used this when I had my colostomy, it was maybe a quarter of the size of a normal bag.  I equated it to putting on a condom (as far as the amount of time it took), very quick.  My wife had no issues with it.  It almost felt like I had no bag on because it was so small.  It did not really get in the way either.
Reply by eddie, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 4:01 pm
Sorry but what a self-centered idiot she must be!!!!!!!!
Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 4:07 pm
James Matta good one, i thought they were only available for women, being flippant i think in our situation my husband would just love to wear his tool belt! so romantic LOL. Lorraine
Reply by cpk, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 7:17 pm
Wow, this is different!  Who told you no sex for 6 months.  With a normal pouch you folded it into 3 sections, and use maybe 3 inch X 3 tape to cover it.  You tell your wife "I got it there playing, whatever she'll never see the difference".  No problem, go for it!
Reply by LilyJ, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:41 pm
I don't know who told you no sex life until reversal, because it's totally possible after the initial 6-week healing process.  I hope this wasn't your wife's decision, because that would not be very loving.  Sex is no different - just flip the bag out of the way and go to it!

Reply by catttters, on Sat Feb 15, 2014 8:34 pm
Thanks for all the replies, advice and concerns. There is definately no medical reasons or doctors advice saying i cant. My wife was ho9nest with me from the start and said there will definately be no sex for the duration of my bag. The thought of my bag and its contents being so close to her during intimicy freaks her out. i have suggested small bags, wraps, coverings etc but the thought is still there. I love and respect my wife and can understand her feelings but Im also disapointed that she cant find an emotional way around it. I guess there is never a 100% guarantee that it will not leak and thus is the basis of her concerns. She will lend a "hand" without her involvement (me touching or arousing her) occasionally but its the emotional and intimacy sharing that i really miss. Im going to gradually try to increase the cuddles and try for longer kisses in the bedroom and see if i cant get it to lead further but i will most definately respect her wishes and feelings. i know she loves me with all her heart and i her like wise so we will handle what ever challenges that arrive but i still miss the close contact more than the intercourse.
Reply by lorraine-cooper1960, on Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:32 am
Well I admire you immensely, you sound like a wonderful husband and I know I will be unpopular saying this, but when I wrote my initial response I thought it would be an emotional reason on your wife's part.
it is so easy to judge but it is not for any of us to pass judgement. You know your wife and your marriage and you obviously care for each other.
Just remember that you will be having the reversal and the old adage this too will pass.
I don't think any amount of cuddling or kisses will get you near the goal posts as women are driven in a different way, meaning we don't get aroused in the same way as a man, it is in (most women not all women) our minds and if she feels so strongly about it you may just have to take things in hand (pardon the pun).
But I wish you both all the very best for the future.
Reply by catttters, on Sun Feb 16, 2014 2:59 pm
You are right about the mind thing lorraine-cooper 1960. I talked to my wife about her feelings last night. It turns out it is not the pouch thing like she said the day i got home. She is more trusting of that now. The problem is she thinks of herself as my nurse now. Always worring whether im ok or overdoing it or if my appliance is ok. The changing of the appliance etc etc has well and truly taken away any chance. I said i will be my own nurse then but she said it wouldnt matter mentally and that i wont be able to til im more healed. She said it doesnt matter what we do her mind wont be in it. I will respect her feelings and will probably understand them one day soon, but considering my appliance only gets changed every 3 days it makes it very hard. I feel hurt, deeply disappointed and rejected. Im still the same person just with an extra part. I will just retreat into myself for a while and absorb everything and im sure it will get easier to accept over time. Our love can get through anything but this is a challenging time.
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