Seeking Connection: A Single Ostomate's Journey for Love

Uro2011 · 2021-04-25T15:45:00-04:00

In July of 2011, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I got my urostomy at the end of July 2011. I feel lucky and blessed to be alive and well, and all my scans have come back clear. They stopped my routine scans after 5 years. My wife left me shortly after my surgery in March of 2012. I didn't even know what an ostomy was until after my diagnosis and being told what my options were. I knew nobody else with an ostomy. After my wife left me, I started researching everything to do with ostomies and found this site, as well as one more ostomy dating site, and I was super excited. Well, that excitement didn't last long at all. I live in a major Canadian city, yet there were very few women in my area on this site. The other site I'm referring to only has 2 women looking to date, and the few women available I don't feel are my type, or there is no attraction or common ground; other than having an ostomy. I find it frustrating that people on this site want to find a relationship yet don't post a picture. I'm no model, but I do feel there needs to be some sort of attraction to connect initially, and I don't understand why people who say they are looking for a relationship don't post a picture. When I first joined, there were about 7,500 members and now there are like 23,000 members. Well, in 10 years, I can count on one hand how many new female members joined that are in my area, and it's very discouraging. I did connect with a female ostomate in an amazing way, but she lives far east in the US. The females I find compatible with me are in the UK and in eastern USA. I can't relocate as I am still working until I'm 60 and have 17 and 19-year-old daughters. Seems like there are a ton of women with ostomies in the UK? I might have to move there! Lol I know many people may respond saying why are you limiting yourself to only women that have an ostomy. Well, I have dated a handful of “normal” women since my divorce, and I always felt off, and it just didn't feel right to me in my head. Sometimes I felt unworthy of them, and other times I just felt so different which made me feel a bit insecure, especially during intimacy. I have been with one ostomate, and the comfort I felt was amazing. I didn't think about my ostomy or insecurities for a second, and that's what I want. I want someone that is in the same world/boat as me and just gets it. No shyness or feelings of unworthiness. If there's an accident or a pouch blowout, we just laugh and support each other. I'm 53, and I honestly feel I'll most likely be single forever. I'm very independent, and I'm good alone, but I'm made to be with someone. I have a lot to give and have a great job, and I'm financially secure. My surgeon told me he removes about 90 bladders a year, and I know they aren't all males, so where are all the female ostomates around Vancouver, Canada? That's not even including the colostomies and ileostomies performed per year. So 10 years have gone by, and only a handful have joined? Maybe they are so insecure and embarrassed that they have isolated themselves? Losing hope fast, and I'm not getting any prettier with age! Lol...anyway, just venting and feeling frustrated. Maybe some of you can totally relate, and I'm sure many of you will think I'm being narrow-minded. Like I said, I've dated women with no ostomy, and it never felt right to me personally. I have accepted my ostomy and manage it well, but I can't help the way I feel about wanting an ostomate soulmate. In the meantime, I'll keep hoping one day I log on here, and there is someone for me in my area. I don't want to do the long-distance thing either; I want to hang out and do things together on the spur of the moment. Anyway, wishing good luck to all the single ostomates on here looking for love and hope you find your forever ostomate 🍀