Navigating Intimacy With An Ostomy: Tips And Experiences

Theostomyblog · 2015-05-04T14:57:08-04:00

So, now we've reached one of those topics I might not have the easiest time discussing, but I'm going to try, because, after all, this is still a huge thing when you have an ostomy. As I've written before, having an ostomy causes no limitations per se, and that is true with sex as well. Any possible limitation probably exists only in your own mind. At least that's the way it is for me. Obviously, it's no secret that neither having the ostomy itself, nor having an ostomy bag like this dangling off my stomach, is very sexy. Generally speaking, I'm actually okay with having the ostomy, but one of the few times, where it's not such a great thing, is when you're fooling around with the girlfriend. So, in this particular situation, I am glad to have met my girlfriend, so I don't have to go out scoring every weekend, because I probably wouldn't be too comfortable with that. But, of course, anything is what you make of it, and if I were 18 years old and single, I guess it would work itself out, after all you learn to live with it and deal with it as well. Well, the first time I was fooling around with my girlfriend, I was pretty nervous too, although not about what she would say about it, because we had already talked about that, and she said she had no problem with it. The problem was probably just me. I'm not very comfortable with laying around in my bare stomach making out with my girlfriend, so in the beginning I always had an ace bandage around my stomach, so I had control over the ostomy bag. If I lie close to my girlfriend, I can feel the bag, and then I start to notice it being a bit noisy, and then I can't really concentrate on having a good time. So, the first few times we were messing around, it was kind of hard for me to stay turned on, because I was thinking about all sorts of other things. Now I've gotten used to it, and it's not like you have to lie right on top of each other, of course you have to be a little creative. Another thing that can be a turn-off is if the ostomy farts or stool enters the bag. When that happens, it's hard for me to think about anything else. I'm not sure if my girlfriend notices that something is entering the bag, but it's definitely something I'm aware of myself. I always make sure I empty the bag before we fool around. These days, when we are having a good time, I still don't like for my stomach to be bare, so now I always wear a T-shirt, which still keeps the bag in check a little. My girlfriend often says I should take off my shirt, since it wouldn't bother her, but I'm not particularly comfortable with that. Maybe that will come in time, but I actually doubt it. The downside of having to empty the bag and put on a T-shirt is that I'm not always able to be as spontaneous as I could be, but you learn to live with it. Best regards Tonny

Immarsh

Jul 12, 2015 2:39 am

Hi jpeters... interesting question about the paragraphs. I format... and then always find that it's just one big paragraph. I tend to write too much, so it's scary to look at... And now about your response to the SEX post... OMG! How negative it sounds. I've always been a short, chubby, female, and then adding my ostomy to that, it seems that there would be no hope for me! Yes... it might be easier for that tall, handsome, fit, wealthy guy to attract women, but oftentimes people are so shallow and don't look beneath the surface. Real people look for or want a kind, generous (with their time, not only their money), honest, sincere, fun (good sense of humor goes a long way), interesting partner, companion, friend, or mate. If one is interested in just having sex, I guess doing what your cousin does makes sense for him. Perhaps your 5'5" cousin doesn't have much to offer of himself... in a dating relationship. I had a tall, beautiful friend who met and married a man (working, not wealthy) a head shorter than she was. She was looking for quality of character, not just height, appearance, or money. I am still short and am probably at the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and I'm seeing a wonderful guy (having good sex) for the last year and a half. He is kind, generous, and sees past my ostomy, weight, and scars. And believe me... Ostomates DATE! I've had my surgery since I was 15, dated then, married, divorced, and have been dating again. I had been involved with a young adult Ostomy group, and we were all dating back then. I don't think much has changed... Addressing your numbers - I shower, use deodorant, so yes... I smell normal. Those without ostomies FART and boy... do they smell! I eat when I'm hungry, and don't worry about output. That's what bathrooms are for. I've never tried to CAP and never would. I don't need zero output, I'm okay with my auto-digestive system. It's like asking to guarantee that your nose won't run, or your skin won't sweat. There are so many other things to occupy one's mind... No sense in trying to control the uncontrollable. So if you really want to be out there, dating or finding someone with whom to have sex intimacy... I recommend a review of your criteria. Best wishes... Marsha

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jpeters

Jul 12, 2015 5:52 am

Hi Marsha, haha, yeah what's up with the formatting? I might Wireshark it to see if the browser strips out all the formatting characters when you click submit. If not, it happens on the site itself. Re: dating, it probably depends a lot on your age/location. You're 65, right? So at that stage of life things like personality matter a lot more. In your 20's, in San Diego / LA / Phx, it's all your looks and income. My cousin is 5'5, works in finance, nice guy, American girls treated him like dirt. But he got a lot of attention from girls in Mexico, because American citizenship is sexy down there. I had no luck with girls either when I was poor, then I started doing well and magically, attention from girls. Not nearly as much as tall, handsome guys who were unemployed potheads, but enough. Now I smell like crap 100% of the time despite great hygiene. I haven't had sex in 10 years, probably never will again. The effects of a disability. Life doesn't forgive weakness, you know? Anyway, very interesting to swap life stories. You seem like a nice lady and I'm sure your guy friend enjoys your company. JP

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jpeters

Jul 12, 2015 5:52 am

It's hard given the lack of stats, but you could probably create an equation to rank a person 1-10 / 10 on the attraction scale. I knew a guy who ran a club and he said lean guys with less muscle did better with girls than heavier guys with more muscle. So in 2005 San Diego, lean was more valuable than strong. Or for every 2 of height, x% more girls will date a guy, until he's 6'3, at which point y% will stop wanting him as he keeps growing. Bottom line is an 8/10 girl or guy will get far more dates than a 2/10. The 2/10 is in for a lot of rejection to find just one partner, who probably won't treat them well. It's just the nature of being 25. JP

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When To Contact Your Stoma Nurse

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Your stoma care nurse can be a valuable resource when you need help.

Learn about the common issues and symptoms that warrant a call for assistance.

BrooklynBlast

Jul 14, 2018 3:26 am

Help all
I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I've been reading through quite a bit of your suggestions and was wondering how any of them can equate to gay men. I've had my colostomy bag for four years now and I am afraid to try. Hence, celibacy even though I am quite eager to re-join the ranks.

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Anonymous

Jan 09, 2023 5:00 pm

I found a product several years ago that is absolutely fantastic; it really helps with the spontaneity of sex. If you look it up online, it's called the Stealth Belt. I personally have a urostomy, so my belt is a little thinner, but I see they have a belt that has a dip in the bottom, which would fit right in if you have a colonoscopy. What's nice about this is that it holds it in place, it's attractive, and you can wear it under your clothes, and people won't even know you have it on. They also have one made from neoprene, which they say is good if you want to go swimming or anything like that. I don't have one because I just don't swim, but you might be interested in that as well. With this in place during sex, the bag doesn't flop around; it's secure, it's not noticeable, and you don't feel it move or anything else.

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Navigating Intimacy with an Ostomy: Tips and Experiences

My Ostomy Journey: Bruce | Hollister