Struggling with Partner's Reaction to My Ostomy

I also had to lose part of my vagina; it was where the cancer started, then spread by creating a fistula to the sigmoid section of my large intestine (right above my rectum). It also spread to the back of my bladder.

So I have two “twin” stomas—“born” on the same day, 4 March 2024.

My husband has been wonderful about it all, just glad I'm still alive, very kind and supportive, and living up to wedding vows of in sickness and in health.
But I have to admit that we both “dance” gingerly around the stomas, as we are worried that they will leak, as both have done so with other physical activity—even just movements like bending over to pick things up off the floor, or even sitting forward at too much of an angle for a long period for a meal where the table and chair position makes the severe angle of sitting cause the urine stoma to sink into the skin. I've learned to lean forward to take a bite and then put my fork down and then sit back to chew.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is still MY body and it doesn't belong to the surgeons and other medical staff who are so often “working” on it—like a car at the mechanics! Having radiation treatment right now, hoping to get the last bit of cancer out of my body once and for all. And get back to living… and living it up!!!

I'm very sorry to hear this. I think your partner is being selfish, insensitive, and mostly immature about your situation. After 15 years together, you would think you would know your partner. Was he unaware of what you were going to go through? What if he lost a leg? Would you feel differently toward him? The reality is that he is not the supportive type. People with that much history behind them should live by the rule of unconditional love. Sure, there would be disagreements, but is that worth giving up on a history together? If you want to improve your image to him, I would look into a Stealth Belt, a sort of belt that hides your pouch. I have had an ileostomy for over 40 years. I have been married three times and had many relationships. Not one of the women I was married to or dated had any negative thoughts about my ileostomy pouches. What I am trying to say is that you are still the same person inside from 15 years ago. Why let a pouch get in the way? I really hope he can see the light. Mike

I'm so sorry you have to deal with your partner's ignorance about having an ostomy. I have always viewed mine as saving my life, which makes me feel good about it. Your partner should feel grateful for it. I have always said that I would rather be alone than wish I were.

SusanT

I can relate. Cervical cancer took all but a few centimeters of my vagina. I am grateful to have survived.

Sisters indeed!!!

❤️

Airport Security Tips Living with an Ostomy with April | Hollister

Hi vsqiris75,

Welcome to the best friend site in the world with REAL PEOPLE. Remember you have your own “bag for life.” Without it, you would not be here talking to us. Your bag is your BUDDY and will never leave you, whatever happens; she will always be your friend for life. Enjoy your future; there is always someone out there who will give you a super happy love life. From your picture, you are obviously a very lovely lady. Bless you.

Good day,

One of the things that relationships are built on is a shared interest, problem, or need. If your partner has been with you for 3 years since the surgery and still has these feelings, it's not going to change. Sorry, but deep down, I think you know that. That being said, take a deep breath. Realize you can't change the past. Do what you have to in order to make yourself happy again. Coming onto this site is a great start. You have a pretty good response here from us all. We are not going away. Reach out when you need advice, want to vent, or just need someone to put a smile on your face. You're not alone.

There are challenges to leaving a relationship: financial, mutual friends, etc. Six months from now, they will be behind you. I have a daughter who went through a breakup about six months ago. Aside from losing the safety and security of a shared residence, she lost the contents of the U-Haul that her friends and family helped load up after the sudden need to move out. She looks back now and laughs. She's settled in at a new place with her cats, has new furniture, and a new bed! A totally new beginning.

This is a tough time for you. You fought through illness. Don't put yourself in the position of being depressed. You've been through worse. Take one day at a time and step away from negativity. You deserve better. You have friends here. In a few weeks, months, or years, you can check out the "relationship search" portion of this site. There are plenty of people who have similar health histories. As I said above, relationships are built on shared interests, problems, or needs. Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.

Best of health,

SharkFan

What incredible advice 👍🏼

I have twin stomas too!

I hope the radiation therapy clears up the last of your cancer. I am currently cancer-free but constantly worried about a return. I know what you're going through... at least as much as anyone can know someone else's journey.

Best wishes, sister.

You need to talk more often.

First things first, you're beautiful. I dunno how anyone wouldn't want to be intimate.

I worry that women wouldn't find me attractive once they know about the bag. People say it's an irrational fear, but any change to your body will make you self-conscious about it, without even someone saying it out loud.

Personally, I would ask them what their fear is about being intimate and what would make them feel more comfortable. If it's a fear of catching the bag of he on top, then suggest alternative positions (sorry, trying not to reduce this post to smut).

Maybe wear something lacy over your top half, like a negligee.

I know the initial shock of him not being comfortable must have made you feel crap and probably a little angry, followed by a crisis of faith in the relationship. But surely he would prefer you to have the bag rather than the condition that caused you to need it?

The bag doesn't define you; it shouldn't define a relationship. So I think, first things first, being able to openly talk about finding out what would make him comfortable, and you as well need to be comfortable.

If that doesn't improve the situation, then as harsh as it sounds, you need to make a decision about whether the relationship is still working. Everyone deserves to be loved and admired for who they are, not what's on the surface. A bag doesn't change anything.

I hope everything improves for you and you can get your relationship back on track. I know firsthand what it's like for a relationship to break down and the turmoil it puts you through.

Mr. B x

Thanks, Susan. I appreciate the well wishes, and it really helps to have connections that “get it!”

Found a great free resource for that fear of recurrence—it's called the cancer roller coaster, from a clinical psychologist here in Australia who specializes in oncology and becoming “calm after cancer.”
https://thecancerrollercoaster.com/

Haven't taken any of her longer paid courses, as I am still working my way through all the great free stuff.
Hugs,

Kristin

These resources look great! I can't wait to dig in. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you for this advice.