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Dating - when to tell about ostomy?

Sun Oct 13, 2019 7:57 pm
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i know this subject has been talked about on several blogs but now it has happened to me and i need you to help.i met a very nice guy. lives about 30 minutes from me. we had a wonderful meeting and both left with phone calls and plans for him to come here for dinner.  now the big question ( i know this subject has been asked before)  should i meet him again or wait til he comes for dinner to tell him about the bag....i know he will have to know sometime. the sooner the better but where and when and how????????????????????

These are the top 5 issues ostomates face:

1. Dating and relationships
2. Concealing the pouch
3. Foods to eat and avoid
4. Losing or gaining weight
5. Pouch ballooning

Check out this video from MeetAnOstoMate.
Sun Oct 13, 2019 9:56 pm

What a pickle..  Indeed this subject  on when and how to tell a date  has been beaten to death.. and all I can summarize for you is this:

 most would say be honest up front to forgo any wasted time.

others would say don't metnion it untill the "right time".

Of course this above option makes like you deceived,  hung him along, untill "you have to" tell him.

Others would  say don't bother.  when you get intimate, it may not even be a issue. 

That's all I recovered from all the threads, posts and everything inbetween.

it is only your call to make when you REALLY want to tell him  and timing could be or not be a factor. 

I have been wondering myself "what would I do if 1) i was on the receiving end of this date and the info  and 2) if I was in fact the you  on how and when to do it...a big fricken pickle, and it may be koscher or sour decision.  if he likes you, it wont matter a damn when or how you tell him. 

I am going to get my ass chewed out by the othere 5, 4, 3, 2,.. 

(Good luck and keep us posted) 

Mon Oct 14, 2019 12:18 am

Warrior........5,4,3,2,1, considered your ass chewed!

Ok, just kidding......but your point is well taken. Summarizing Warrior's summary is pretty simple......there is no one right answer to the question of when to tell a potential new lover about your front facing butt hole. That's the short answer to your question.......and you already knew this. I'm about to start dating and will be in your shoes shortly, so it's on my mind as well.

With that in mind, here is my long answer. When to tell someone your secret is based on 3 things.......your personality, their personality and the nature of the secret. The first and last are knowns, the middle one is unknown. Because there is an unknown your best bet is to wait until the unknown is a known and then base your decision accordingly. So what the heck does all that mean? First, be honest with yourself about how having an ostomy will affect any relationship you may have. Lots of people say it doesn't impact their life in any way and they still do everything they did before they got it. Really? Nothing has changed? Let's be real here.....things HAVE changed and it's those changes that your potential partner needs to consider. So before you spill the beans make sure you can follow that up with an intelligent conversation explaining what your secret will specifically mean to him and your relationship together.

Ok, with that under your belt, next you need to understand his personality. This may be quick and easy or take some time. But what you want to know is does he really like you and do you have some common interests that aren't impacted by your ostomy or other health issues? When you know that stuff it's time to fess up and hope for the best. But there's really no hope or luck or fate involved. If he likes you and you having an ostomy doesn't drastically impact his lifestyle he'll probably give you a whirl and see how it goes. If he likes you but isn't crazy about you and you cramp his style with your ostomy he'll probably fade away or run for the hills. But if he does "exit stage right, even" (snagglepuss) consider it as him doing you a won't be wasting your time on a relationship doomed to fail over time. Just shrug it off and continue your search for Mr. Right.

At least that's how I look at it.

Ready? 5,4,3,2..........



Mon Oct 14, 2019 3:54 am

W30Bob has a great assessment of a complex problem.

Thank you Sir!

Another thing: have an honest talk about how you feel about cuddling as a first step. If he agrees, this would provide you with the proper opportunity to develop dialog about essential things in both of your lives. You may introduce your 'health' issue and see how he takes it.  Unless you are in your 20's you both have been thru enough baggage to proceed from an informed place and hopefully the next step is 'what are you doing for the rest of my life' question!



Past Member
Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:01 am

There's no right or wrong way whichever you feel is right and comfortable with is the right way. 

Most of all smile it looks good on you! 


Tue Oct 15, 2019 12:46 am


Honesty is always the best policy....i have had a couple of relationships in recent years and have told them on the day we guy did run for the hills and that was fine, but for the most part it didnt bother pretty and be as confident as you can....everybody has issues some just different than others.

Take care



Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:50 am

Thank you Looking forward and the rest of you all for some great posts on what can be a difficult subject.

Much of the decision making is about having confidence (or not) with your new situation. If you are not comfortable with your stoma, then the chances are, you may pass on your anxieties to others. Personally, I do not feel that physical attributes should be a major factor in developing a good relationship with someone (or anyone!). I have laid out my own blueprint for relationships in my 'AIMS for Today' list , which do not refer to physical ability or disability at all. 

I hope you may find this a useful guide:

1. To BE – THERE
5. To LISTEN: Empathetically
6. To keep things CONFIDENTIAL
7. To ENABLE & EMPOWER (DIY process)
8. To show POSITIVE REGARD (unconditional)
10. To FOCUS CARING (according to my principles)


Best wishes



Wed Oct 16, 2019 6:05 pm

Hi.... I have been in this position and learned that it's best to allow someone to get to know you as a person .... do things anyone else would do yo show them it doesnt limit u..... until then here's someone things you can do to camouflage your bag.... wear spandex underwear with the high waist.... they come in thong form as well as high cut bikin.... always eat less when your going to be around him for a long period of time that minimizes bathroom time....also there are oral deodorants you can take to cut the odor.... and make sure you take sumin for the bloatness nexus


Fri Oct 18, 2019 10:33 am

Treat it as what it is in the beginning, maybe it’s just a friendship, maybe it’s for sex or maybe something in between. Keep things light. Your appliance shouldn’t define who you are as a person or even a sliver of what you have to offer. My advice is to invest in a great corset. I own a few and have had them custom made. They hide everything! Make sure you are meticulously clean. Dress well. Make yourself up properly. Control the situation. Up your sex game. Sex like anything also takes a lot of practice. Have fun with it.


and most of all do not tell him right away. There is no need. If your relationship develops you’ll know when to say something.

Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:11 pm

Hey,I disagree with warrior in that you are in a pickle.You are only in a pickle if you make it a pickle.Life is what you make it.I don't mean to sound insensitive but in the 35 years of having an ileostomy I have never had one single lover of approximately 30 men or so(never counted) to turn away or skip out on me because of my surgery.Every single one of them came back for more and more and more sex.I NEVER told any of them until we made love and it was never an issue for any of them.I truly believe it depends on how you present yourself,self confidence,sensuality,sexy lingerie,being erotic,ect.I am only an average looking woman.I am a Christian now and don't believe in premarital sex but my hope is that by sharing my experiences you can be encouraged.

Sat Oct 19, 2019 12:19 am

hey, vollovr.. i counter u and disagree.   each of us are in a pickle..,   a situation,  a circumstance.  That's how I  meant it.   and wanted to make light of the analogy on koscher and sour using it.   many of you have had years to establish your confidence.  I am sure you didn't start out this brave. and us newbies aren't there yet.  it's not like there is a pill for courage... you made time to research, and find proper attire..  under and over attire.   this all came in time.. maybe you spoke to people or just read stories... guess you saw fifty shade of gray?  so the useage of the word pickle  meant to mean situation. "indeed your in situation."   ick.. indeed NOW I am in a pickle.  

Sat Oct 19, 2019 12:41 am

All this talk about pickles is making me hungry. In case you're wondering........I prefer a zesty garlic to a boring Kosher dill any day.  Now where did I put those pickles?



Sat Oct 19, 2019 8:26 am

oh Bob, you should run for office.. govenor perhaps?

Sun Oct 20, 2019 1:16 am

bahahahahaha I agree with you warrior.... Bob should run for office...he certainly has all the answers..Lol..

Tue Oct 22, 2019 6:17 pm

all in favor of Bob, running for office pls burp your bag. thank you very much. 

Tue Oct 22, 2019 8:06 pm

Like King Moonracer from the Island of Misfit Toys.......right?




Sat Oct 26, 2019 12:36 am
warrior wrote:

all in favor of Bob, running for office pls burp your bag. thank you very much. 


Thu Nov 14, 2019 10:34 pm

So Looking Forward,

Time has passed and I am curious as to how things turned out with your guy. Did you open the subject or let it alone to see what happens? I hope it worked out! 


Mon Jun 15, 2020 9:55 am
w30bob wrote:

All this talk about pickles is making me hungry. In case you're wondering........I prefer a zesty garlic to a boring Kosher dill any day.  Now where did I put those pickles?




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