Dating with an Iliostomy: Seeking Advice on Finding Love and Intimacy

I'm new and just joined. I have an ileostomy as well as other illness issues but I keep plodding on. Only problem is not many men stick around. How does anybody find someone to be with as well as being honest if being honest doesn't help. I'd love a relationship but how do you start with having an ileostomy and what about intimacy once you think you've found someone??

Welcome. Everyone on here is a professional plodder on-er. The biggest issue you'll find on here is the distance issue. Good luck. Oh, and if you never post or reply and join in on conversations, it makes it even tougher to start any interaction with possible partners.

Hiya:

I've found that it's pretty important to be upfront about your ostomy. First, try to get to know someone, ask a lot of questions, let them ask you questions, kind of go back to dating 101-lol. Men and women can be very fickle little beasties--so don't take it personally. If you think that a new relationship is one that you might want to take further, my advice would be to tell them about your ostomy. If they stay, they stay, if they go....then it probably isn't a person that you would want in your life anyway. Hope this helps...

Welcome Gizzy. I agree with Alex... we are all "professional plodder on-ers" LOL.

And Nancycat hit the nail right on the head, "if they go... then it probably isn't a person that you would want in your life anyway."

Good luck.

It is difficult but we have to try. There are a lot of understanding people out there. Keep up the hunt and stay positive!

Hello gizzymarbles18.
I am so glad you have received some great answers to you post as this is a subject that comes up at regular intervals and needs to be aired. (Past posts can be found  in COLLECTIONS-Premium content – Lifestyle & intimacy – Intimacy, Relationships & ostomy (181 topics)).
When you ask  ‘how does anybody find someone to be with as well as being honest if being honest doesn't help’?. This is a perfectly acceptable question to pose but it is a bit like questioning whether we should do the ‘right’ thing, when all around us those who are seemingly doing things ‘wrong’ are apparently getting the most rewards. 
I would pose a slightly different question: If a potential relationship is based on dishonesty, then what would be the point in calling it a ‘friendship’, because true ‘friends’ will tend to be honest with each other, because that’s how ‘TRUST’ is created and maintained. 
I have written many rhymes on this subject and posted my thoughts on ‘relationships’ several times on here over the years, but I see no harm in repeating them over and over, just to keep reminding me of my own AIMs for each day.
The subject of honesty is dealt with in the last two lines in verse 3 of  AIMS (2).

Best wishes

Bill

AIMS.

Sometimes caring and compassion
shows in someone’s inner passion,
which can evolve from having aims
that a person proudly claims. 

When a person’s truly kind,
this partly is a state of mind,
which often has a theory base
guiding their practice interface.

It’s good to have your aims right there
so you can show you really care,
and you can point to each facet
as a caring, sharing asset.

The aims we list should show we may
be kind to people everyday, 
then,  with our smiles and personal charm,
make sure that they don’t come to harm.

Some time ago I made a list
of aims, so people got the gist
of what my caring was about 
so, they would never be without. 

My list of aims was based upon 
the kindness, friendliness and bond
that’s found between people and pets,
for that’s the best that friendship gets. 

And once I sowed that seed in mind,
it grew into me being kind,
for that’s the way my pets taught me 
and that’s the way I want to be.

The thing about the aims I’ve got,
they have no devious, hidden plot,
so, bullies feel that I will not 
align with them, as a tosspot.  
                                     Be Withers 2020
                 (in: Be Withers-be kind 2022)

 

 

AIMS. (2)

I’ve found some aims, just right for me,
they’re part of my philosophy.
They are my life and what I do,
so, now I’ll share my aims with you.

My one first aim is to ‘be there’,
so, I can care and I shall share.
If I can be both fair and kind.
this should stay within your mind.

I aim to be consistent and stable,
more genuine than anyone is able, 
and if you let me get this near.
I will be honest and sincere.

I’ll treat you non-judgementally,
then, listen empathetically,
and whilst I won’t be deferential.
I’ll try to keep things confidential.

I will enable and empower,
helping self-help seeds to flower.
I will achieve my aims today,
if people grow to be this way.

Unconditional positive regard,
some find this aim is very hard.
But, as far as I recall,
I have not found it hard at all.

Respect represents such fertile seeds,
fostering fine feelings for people’s needs.
I encourage spirituality,
for your individuality.

I find my aims are not that wearing,
when firmly focussed on my ‘caring’.
For in my life I’ve always found,
my principles and aims are sound.

                                                                B. Withers (2009) 

                                                           (in: ‘CONTEMPLATION’ (2010)

I read something on this site a while ago that I think is an awesome bit of perspective for those seeking a relationship. Your ostomy won't keep you from finding the right person. It will only keep you from finding the wrong person.

Good luck to you.

Love that

Just look at it this way, they're not the right person for you with or without a bag. The right one won't care less about it and will just be pleased it's improved the quality of your life.

Get out more with family and friends, live life, have fun. Do you have any hobbies/interests that can get you out to places, meeting new people, making friends, and new memories? You will meet someone when you're not even looking. It could be while waiting at the bus stop or in Aldi/Asda doing your weekly shopping!

And use some humor to make them feel calm and relaxed about it, as they may have never heard of an ostomy before or know little about them. Just don't use any of my bad jokes; they would make anyone run a mile, lol.

Just my view, not saying I'm right.

Relationships are built on trust. If you don't tell them from the start, to me that says you don't trust them, so why should they trust you either?

Can only speak from my own experience. I've had an ileostomy for just over 30 years. In my younger days, I've had one-night stands/friends with benefits and relationships. My ileostomy has never been a problem. I've always been relaxed and open about it and told everyone straight away. Maybe on a few occasions in my misspent youth, I didn't have time to tell some, lol. I never went into great detail; they ask when they want to know more and always make it clear an ileostomy doesn't stop me from doing anything.

I have had an ileostomy for 23 years. In that time, I had one long-term relationship after divorce and two marriages. Unfortunately, both of my last two husbands died. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I want you to understand that if you are a lovable person, the ostomy will make no difference at all. Get out there and mingle!

Hmmm, so true.

True that!

I am on Match.com and have been for years. Widowed twice. Lots of lunch dates but never met anyone. After my colostomy in November '22, I included it in my profile.

I still get the occasional message when I choose to be active. Takes away any anxiety.

I am 52 and had ileostomy surgery 18 months ago. I am concerned about how to start a relationship as well. I get the feeling that most women would not understand and would no longer be interested once they know about my situation. I personally thought that this website would be a good place to start looking because we all share the same issue. I could be incorrect but it's worth a try. Best of luck

The biggest issue on finding someone on here is distance. Most of us are pretty set where we're at so moving is kinda hard. I know right where I'd move to if I could but my work and family are here. &zwj

Well, I am on one dating site and there are local girls-women in town as well as many out of town.

So not sure of distance being a factor such as chemistry.

That's what is going on today.

So if you got a bag it's no one's business until you get down to business.

I have heard women are far more understanding than men are when talking of the bag.

Men will run. Women will stay.