Help I have too much "baggage" LOL

I was just talking with a woman on a regular dating site, and was told by her that most women who are looking for a new relationship aren't looking for a guy who has too much "baggage." She said this right after I had told her about my ileostomy and the fact that I wear an ostomy bag... Wow, I guess that is a wake-up call right there! But should this really surprise me or any of us with ostomies looking for love in a world so focused on looks... Thoughts, anyone??

Hey cruiseguy, it's her loss, keep stepping; there's someone out there for you! That just shows you people are very cruel at times, but there are some that will take you just the way you are. Hang in there!

Did she realize what she said? Bag or not I would not like to be in the dating game.

It is probably true that most people are not over keen on 'baggage' when looking for a new relationship. However, 'baggage' in this context is usually a generic term for emotional stuff and personal attachments people are still emotionally affected by, like ex partners and children (a bit like the term 'hang-ups' and nothing to do with 'bags'). If I received a comment such as this lady gave, I would probably respond with a quip of my own such as: "I agree about this comment about 'most women'. However, I am not looking for 'most women', I am only looking for one woman and, hopefully, she will be different to the majority." I agree with xnine in that I'm glad I'm not in the dating game - with or without a stoma.

I also have had bad experiences with dating as an ostomate. I was told by one man that me having an ileostomy was "off putting". The thing that blew my mind was that he had permanent nerve damage in his legs and was in a wheelchair. I would have thought he might have been understanding. Nope. So, I suppose it's the single life for this ostomate.

How to Get Back to Activity after Ostomy Surgery with Kimberly | Hollister

I am currently going through the same issues. I have men and women tell me all the time that they can't handle my health issues.

Let me start with this: I just got divorced after 18 years. Eleven years in, I had my third step colectomy. I was reattached with a j-pouch, which lasted 14 months before it started failing. I got my first of three permanent ileostomies in September of 2013. My now ex-husband would never admit it then, but he found my ileostomy repulsive. He wouldn't even sleep in the same bed.

My skin is very sensitive, so I have a lot of messes because my bags won't stick. In the last seven years of our marriage, we only had sex once, and that was because he was drunk.

Anyways... current day... I hate dating. Every person I get the attention of (who doesn't take the time to read my profile first) either tells me it's not an issue, then disappears, or they disappear into the night.

I had one guy tell me that I should go to a dating site for disabled people. He actually called my ileostomy "a disgusting shit bag." Then he proceeded to ask me what kind of drugs I was addicted to... supposedly, he thought he was a doctor because you had to be addicted to something to have an ileostomy.

I'm not a smoker, drinker, or addicted to anything. Mine started with UC, then I found out I had Crohn's, and that's why my j-pouch failed.

Since 2013, I am on my third ileostomy. I am divorced (he finally admitted that he couldn't have sex with me because of my bag. He said he should've told me.) I hate dating. I hate being told that my health issues are the reason someone can't get involved with me.

I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I just turned 40 and want to find someone who can accept me for who I am now.

I'm sorry I got so winded. If you ever want to talk, let me know.

When dating, do not lead with your ostomy. Let the person get to know you first. Take up some fun hobbies, make yourself interesting; you are more than an ostomy. Everyone you date does not need to know about all your health issues. I am 60, have had mine since I was 23 years old, was married for 21 years, and have 2 children. I have dated some wonderful men from dating sites, some long-term, others casual. I do not tell them about my colostomy unless they are going to see me naked.

I have had an ileostomy since 2011 and was married for 13 years at the time; my wife never looked at me differently. My wife died 3 years ago. I found out after my wife died that a coworker said to her, "Are you going to divorce me after I get a bag?" My wife was shocked.

1 year after my wife died, I had relations with 2 women (not at the same time), though if I did, it would make the story juicy. Neither one was phased by my bag.

I do not mention it right away, never before I meet a woman. I think the third date is a good time. I just started seeing a woman, and on the third meeting, I told her; she seems fine. This is more of a friendship than romantic.

She's an ignorant, cold-hearted slob for telling you that after you told her about your condition. And a lot of people are so wrong in these replies. I have heard of numerous people who are in a relationship where one doesn't have a pouch, so it works, people. An ostomate does not have falling members disease; it's a pouch, not the plague.

Thank you all for the comments, you have all been such a big help and it's nice to know that I have people that I can turn to for advice that truly have my back! I do think next time I will just wait and tell them later after a good rapport has been established. And see if there is any kind of connection before telling them about my "baggage"

I agree with the "never lead with your ostomy" sentiment. I have had my ileostomy for 30 years (17th birthday gift). So, my experiences in the dating world span late teen boys to men in their 50s. I have waited, blurted it out on a first date, and tried all sorts and timings of delivering the "news." I have had very bad reactions (one of the worst was from a medical resident), overly positive reactions as if they were trying too hard to be accepting, and my favorite, the unfazed reaction—as if I announced I have a freckle on my left shoulder. What I have learned is that people are either the type that is willing to accept it, or not. For the most part, not much will change that.

I know by a third date whether or not this is someone I care to invest any significant amount of time in. I generally believe, if I haven't told you by the end of the third or fourth date, it's likely because I don't think there will be a next date.

You'll know when you should tell... my two cents, always after you meet someone, and in person. :) Best of luck out there in the dating world—ostomy or not, it can be brutal!

Dating with baggage. I have a bag of poop for those shallow folks. Almost all who learns I have an Ostomy appliance, most are supportive. I have had one or two folks, who wig out by my mentioning it. Those who are shallow-minded may kiss both of our tooshies!!!

That's it, I'm learning to be true. I'm married and can kiss both of mine after 10 years with an ileostomy. People change, but you're still you. We are still the same people, same hearts, just poop a little differently. I don't get close-minded, materialistic people.

I haven't even made it back to the dating scene yet! From what you're saying now, I am even more afraid, lol! I really like petgirl's advice/opinion. As a woman, I feel pressure to always look perfect, and I have figured out a lot of clever ways of keeping it flat against my belly so it's not noticeable. That being said, I still know it's there, and I am hyperconscious about it, so it's very hard to fake the confident look that seems to be so attractive to men. I wish there was a one-size-fits-all answer to the question... for you, and for me, and the thousands of others out there going through this, but I think it's a case-by-case thing. For me, if I don't feel comfortable enough around someone to tell them after a certain amount of time, then I probably never will feel comfortable, no matter what they think. I guess my hand up is more me than them? I don't know. A very close friend told me that this thing doesn't define me as a person, I am still the same Suzy... I try to tell myself that over and over, maybe someday I will believe it.

I could absolutely see that happening! Luckily, I have had nothing but support for the most part from partners. It's scary to think that the tiny thing that saved my life would be such a negative thing to someone else. My thought is....I am here BECAUSE of this. It saved my life. So...you don't deserve to be any part of that if you can't accept it.