Intimacy

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janee

Help - What do you do when your partner suggests you find something to cover up that ugly thing on your stomach in intimate moments?

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beyondpar

I am assuming you are a female and the comment is coming from a male, and if that's the case, I have a few answers.

1. Come lie with me as I would love to see the beautiful pouch you have on your belly.

2. Tell him when he covers up the pimples on his ass, you will cover up the beautiful pouch on your belly.

3. Keep the lights dim so you both can use your minds and imagination more in the act of intimacy. Let's not forget the brain is the biggest sex organ we both have.

4. Tell him if he's focused on that, he must be doing something wrong as to not be taken away with the feelings and sensations the act itself brings on.

5. We are all not perfect, and if you want to start focusing on that, I'm sure you will find some things he has wrong with him that make him not so perfect either.

And lastly, embrace the imperfections. They are what make us special and unique, as they are not ugly and disgusting as others (non otomates) might want us to think and feel.

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beyondpar

If you, Janee, would like to cover it up, you can order the Phoenix Magazine and there are vendors in there that make silk pouch covers which can be sexy and pretty and help you to feel more feminine for you to wear also....I think that should help the both of you.

janice

LOL... My sentiments exactly beyond par!

Past Member
+1...............Well spoken....Bravo!!!
 
Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister
facingmyfears
Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!! Beyondpar, your response brought tears to my eyes--so kind and compassionate.. ...you also made me laugh with item #2...'when he covers up the pimples on his ass you will cover up the beautiful pouch on your belly"! That is absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!

Janee, please tell me your partner did not refer to it, your pouch, as 'ugly'?... if he did, I sure hope life brings you someone who has a little more depth to him. (trying not to criticize your partner, but he has obviously hurt you or made you feel 'less than', otherwise you would not have posted the painful question.)

Karma tells me one of those 'pimples' on his ass might get infected one day! had to add a little levity/humor!

It's great that we all defend each other, isn't it?
Sharon
gutenberg
You could always get one of those long white silk scarves that men wear, you know the ones with the tassels on the ends, fold the pouch do a wrap around and voila! You could also have a message nbspembroidered on it just for the hell of it, you know like, touch the wrap and you're dead!
rainboww

Well, what I'm thinking is, what on earth are you doing with someone who expects you to hide it away? They should accept you the way you are and the fact that they are asking you to cover it up. I do think that this is very insensitive on their behalf. I am far from confident regarding my ileostomy and have a lot of issues surrounding it, but having remarks like this just wouldn't help!!!! xx

Past Member

Way to go, Par! Those answers amounted to an eagle in my book.

janee

Thank you all so much for your great remarks, especially Par, wish I could meet a man as great as this!!!

junopete
Janee,

You have recieved some good replys to your post.

The fact of the matter is, this is a problem that ostomates run into. It's easy to say find someone else, that person is to shallow or whatever. That is not the reality of the situation.

I had a problem with what I thought was a enduring relationship. When i got home from the hospital with the bag on, things slowely started to change. The lady simply could not accept the bag. She could not see past it. She left, the loss was hers and mine. It's like some people can't stand the sight of blood or anything internal, they probably will not change their attitiude any time soon.

You have to keep your eye on the prize. If you want something then reach out and make it happen.
This fellow you are speaking of, he maybe a lot of things. The one thing you know he is and that is close to your heart. Not wanting to loose a loved one, sometimes trumps many things. Try and find out just what it is about the bag that disturbes him. As Par suggests maybe just covering it up will solve "some" of the problem.
None of us are perfect, we are allowed our predjuices (sp). We all have them.
This fellow maybe in most other ways a great person. Don't judge by just one red flag. I do understand it is a rather large red flag!

Take a minute and think before you had any problems, how open would you be to an ostomate? To try and sovle the problem it is prudent to try and see and understand the others perspective. Don't shoot from the hip, only you will get hurt.

Ostomates are too fast at saying, "if they can't take you as you are, then get rid of them". It maybe just a little time is needed for this person to get used to the idea of the ostomy. Moreover I would hope he would understand this condition is one of nessecity, its not optional.

If you did not like the guy you would not have posted the problem.
No, don't just throw him out, he means something to you. Get out of the relationship what you seek. That is to say, get what you want.

I do not know the exact statistics of it. I would have to venture a very large percentage of ostomates are single. I don't like it. But it seems to be true. Alot of us have lost companions due to the ostomy. Until a little more compassion for others is brought into our daily lives. I am afraid ostomates will face an uphill battle with the acceptance problem. Not by all, just some.

Sorry for being so long winded, I just am.

Rick.....
Past Member

Rick has said it very well. I do think we have to walk a fine line between acceptance of the body alteration while still feeling good about ourselves and at the same time realizing that it may not be easy for a partner to deal with this extra "appendage" either. Hell, even I don't like looking at the bag sometimes, so how can I expect a partner to be crazy about it? That being said, there is a difference between being honest and being plain hurtful when a partner shares their thoughts about the bag. I really haven't had much experience in this area since my surgery, but what I have had has not been bad. If you limit your intimate experiences to people who care about you as a person first and you can both be honest and open with each other and can both speak freely on the subject... I think everything will work out as it ought to. And we should never forget that even those with "perfect bodies" don't necessarily get the perfect love life. Emotional health is an absolute necessity, I think, in attaining that.
But to get back to your original question: I like those strapless tube tops. You can pull the top down to fit around your waist and cover just what you want as a sort of cummerbund thing that holds the bag in place and out of the way and frees up everything else. And then there is always the "merry widow"... Go to the lingerie shop and get creative!

beyondpar

I am going to agree now totally with Juno, in that don't throw the man out for a simple remark that might not have been worded too well. Just as a reminder to my new friends on this board. I didn't want my ostomy for 24 years and suffered miserably while losing everything in my life, job, wife, finances, and mental health. So in truth, how can we expect even a healthy person to come to grips so quickly, or even put the right words together to express his feelings for something extremely new and unique. It's a journey for all of us ostomates as well as partners in our lives. Those that make it through, God bless you. While my marriage didn't, I am extremely blessed for having made it through the mental anguish and physical demise, and I am extremely healthy today in all aspects.

So just as a reminder, we are on here to help each other without blame of others. We must see it through our eyes and how we, as ostomates, need to approach the situation.
The best thing we all have on here is each other, and I love it.

Thank you all for your kind words about me, and we all on here hope that Janee can now address it with her man in a way that brings them closer and not farther apart.

Good luck, Janee.

janice

I am happy to say I am one of the fortunate ones. The last 3 years have been hell with my health, the second time around with my ostomies, and my hubby has been fantastic through all of this! He understands my fears and anxieties about the bags. I couldn't ask for anything more. We have been together for 30 years!

rainboww

Maybe I didn't look at it in the way others are seeing this... Mmmmn, suppose it would be hard for a partner to be "ok" straight away with their partner's ostomy... I just know how devastating a remark like this would be if this was said to me.... I have an ileostomy, had it at both sides now.. but hey, that's a different story,!!!!
Was in a relationship for 9 years, he accepted it straight away. Relationship ended........ Started a relationship 5 months back... And you know what... I hide it from him. I never let him see it... The longer time goes by, the harder it's getting.... So to have negative remarks about covering it up. Well, these are all the things that I fear!!!!!!!x

rainboww

How on earth do I expect others to accept this...when 10 years down the line...I still cannot accept it myself...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

facingmyfears

Juno......

Gotta comment about ----'Ostomates are too fast at saying, "if they can't take you as you are, then get rid of them".

It seems that you're suggesting some of us jumped the gun on our reactions to Janee's situation. I beg to differ. I think everyone was speaking out of love and concern....and I vehemently believe that a comment about covering up the 'ugly' stoma is emotionally abusive .....and no one should settle for that, stoma or no stoma, and regardless of the demographic metrics in the 'dating pool'.

Janee, hang in there dear girl. I'm not suggesting that you dump the dude....just don't settle for being treated in a way that makes you feel anything but beautiful and special, because that's what you are.....beautiful and special.

Sharon

junopete
Facingmyfears,

My post in regards to the situation Janee had was not about just Janee . From reading hundreds of posts, I drew that conclusion.
I have read post after post, where the ostomate has been hurt by some offensive remark about their ostomy.
The re-action from others is just throw the bumb out. Anyone that makes a remark like that, is no good. We can't fight a negative comment with another negative comment or action. It is not the way to handle it.
We as ostomates have to look above that, be above that. I realise it can be tough to have that postive mental attitude.
Stop and think for a minute, ostomates are tough, look what we all have gone thru and we made it. Sure a few bruises both physically and most important emotionally. But we made it. We know we are not alone, we know there are other ostomates that know what we each have, and the rollercoaster we are going thru. However the people that have not gone thru this experience simply don't have a clue. That is why they make the off the cuff remarks.
If these same people saw an old person that could hardly walk they wouldn't comment about how slow he/she was, if this person saw someone missing a limb they would not comment, because those things they understrand. They don't understand ostomys. That is the problem.
I agree whole heartdly(sp) the comment made to Janee, about her bag was offensive, hurtful and without kindness or compassion. The guy was a jerk, the problem is there are a lot of jerks out there.

When I read Janee's post, it hurt me. I took it as an insult not only to Janee and myself but all ostomates. My first reaction was fight back, tell this so and so to piss off.

That is the wrong reaction, it will not solve anything but hurt us.

Ostomy carrys with it a conotation of unclean, filth. Because it deals with bodily waste. I don't like it, but that is the perception that many people have. Please remember I said many, not all

To try and strike back will only make things worse. We have to try and educate. I understand it can be hard to educate morons and folks who do not think before they say something.

I volunteer at the VA hospital. I see all kinds of stuff. Mental cases, amputees the list goes on, it is very sad. When ostomy is mentioned it is entirely thought of in a different light.
The very first thing that comes to mind in most people is waste. That is OK because that is what an ostomy deals with. What the people do not understand is their butt is heck of a lot More bacteria ridden than our stoma sites ever will be. Anotherwords they are the shitty ones not us, but they don't know it.

Because they don't understand an ostomy and how it has to be taken care of.
If they took care of there butts like we do our stomas. They would have the most pampered butts in the world! and the cleanest!

You know me long winded, sorry. Good to hear from you.

I am sure I will get a flack over this post. Yes my spelling is bad.

Rick.....
tarababy

Rick, I admire your courage to say the things you have said.....WELL SAID!!!!..I for one believe exactly what you're saying...Ignorance is a biatch...We all see it, some just handle/react to it differently, or choose not to see it..Therefore it turns to personal hurt. Some people just don't think before they speak...but with understanding comes tolerance and compassion....Best wishes to everyone....Tara

facingmyfears
Rick,

How about we agree to disagree....shall we? You have your perspective based on your life experiences; I think it's very honorable that you volunteered for the VA. You've seen a lot of pain and suffering in that capacity. I too have experiences which have shaped my view of the world. I volunteer and am an advocate for abused and battered women. Thus, I've seen my share of pain and suffering. That said, those 'red flag' comments are a bit more visceral to me..I call a spade a spade..people don't change their core personalities and generally the aggregate of those demeaning 'comments' tears away at a person's self-esteem over time. I see it happen over and over again. I was raised by an abusive parent who made demeaning remarks to me, my sisters, and my mother on a regular basis. I had relatives who sugar coated those remarks and recommended that we turn the other cheek. Weak advice (you might not think so). When I turned 17, I left home and never looked back; I vowed to NEVER stay in an abusive situation...of any kind. I protect my self-esteem and self-worth as if they were precious jewels. As adults, we have a choice. I have honored my promise and as a result, I have a fulfilling life -- despite a bumpy road with cancer -- and most importantly, I have healthy relationships.

Janee, I hope you're well and happy....and boy, do you know how to ignite a passionate discussion!!!!

I've said everything I'm going to say with this discussion thread.

Sharon
Faith4Today

If you think sexy, think stoma cap. They make sexy little round covers for the little cap, like a red devil or a happy face black silk. One big round red lips is not so bad to look at, or maybe an arrow pointing the way for beginners. Normally, you can time your output and placing a small cap with a cute cover might just get him past it if he doesn't have to watch you change it. I remember I cried for weeks every time I had to handle it or empty it. I think it scares people to think they are also vulnerable to disease and accidents that cause deformities. Give him another chance and tell him you are willing to help him get past it with a few surprises. Later, you can have a frank discussion to see if it's helping.

beyondpar
To Facing and Juno and everyone else on this thread.........WOW.....good job on a tender subject matter for all of us........I would like to add that it's our life journeys that help us to be either understanding or upset by that simple remark which on one hand seems so friggin' insensitive and on the other so common a feeling by society about the Ostomy thing whether it's said aloud or not..........I felt very much the same about not getting one and then 6 months after having one, however my being upset about it has gone and I am so thankful for having it, for it has given me more than anyone on this site will ever know...I want to thank everyone for some real sharing, that in and of itself makes me so happy and it's through this kind of sharing that we get to peace with our situations at some point............

Juno has it right when he says society will never get it..........But we ostomates will always get it and that's why we share...it's to get us over the humps of everyday living within this society...And that's why I'm here...........I feel so close to all of you.....Again way cool......Thanks again to all who posted....This was one helluva thread.........Loved it....... Michael
janice

I agree, Michael! I thank God for this forum!!! I mean, I knew I wasn't the only one who ever had to have ostomies, but it is so nice to have a caring place to come to talk, vent, scream, share, whatever! No one truly understands what an ostomate goes through except another ostomate!

lottagelady
Hi, it makes me feel more comfortable wearing something over my bag, though my partner wouldn't care if I did or didn't!

I used to use the knickers from:
http://whiterosecollection.com/acatalog/Romance_Originals.html
and have found that my partner finds them quite kinky!

I have recently found this one which is cheaper (and available on prescription from GPs in the UK) which also does the trick!
http://www.stomawear.uk.com/waistband.htm

Good luck with it all, Rachel x
janee
Hi everyone.
Well, finally I have got to the bottom of his problem. He had not actually accepted my ostomy due to something the surgeon said after my last operation. I soon put him straight, and I think he now understands the reasons I had for having my ostomy. Excellent news on the intimacy side, I suggest you all look at www.betweenyouandme.com.au. I hope I am allowed to do this!! There you will find some great products for intimate moments. I have tried them, and they are excellent!! Thank you all for your replies to my question. It made me feel really great to hear from others with ostomies. Life is looking a lot more positive for me now, and hopefully it will continue that way. By the way, Janice, you have my name, and we have been together for 40 years next March. Once again, there are products out there to help us, and thanks to you all for your caring replies.
janice

So happy things are going well for you. Maybe we'll catch up in the chat room sometime?

crohnsfriend

It will hide your ostomy bag during intimate moments.
It was made with watersports in mind so you can rest assured it will stay in place.

Find one on eBay under Ostomy Stealth Belt or go to the website at
stealthbelt.com

May your intimate adventures be merry.
God bless.

Maryallison

Take a look at beyondpar's profile and see how handsome he is! I wouldn't care if he had bags hanging from his ears, arms, and knees.

Past Member

Look out boys, she's cut a pony out of the herd and is getting the saddle out of the barn!!!
Ok Mary....just teasing you a bit.......
Gus

I met my wife on the internet before I had a bag on. My ileostomy was done a year or so before I moved to meet her and ultimately stayed. We have been together 7 years now and never once has she shunned the bag. I have knelt on it and covered her in crap, I have popped it, dropped it, and degassed in a most tender moment, but she did wet the bed laughing so it was fair. I hate having the ileostomy but there's nothing I can do to change it so just get on with it and live the best you can. As I'm typing this, we're not speaking but I will say no matter how much she gives me the shits, I'll always love her.

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