As you may have read in my other post, I have just started up a casual but sexual relationship with a man who I think has a colostomy or ileostomy (I don't have an ostomy). After reading a number of posts from people having trouble with dating and intimacy, whether self-confidence or crappy partners, and when to tell your date, I thought you might like to hear my perspective.
Firstly, it may surprise you to know that I've been to bed with this man twice recently and I still don't know for sure whether or not he has an ostomy! He kept his shirt on but under it, I glimpsed some sort of strapping or band around his waist. At first, I assumed it was some sort of athletic support for his back or stomach. I could see he subtly wanted to keep it covered, so I didn't mention it - just as I didn't want him to mention my fat, saggy tummy. It was only the fact that he has Crohn's and he said something about his butt being particularly clean - which I didn't think anything of at the time, but later put the three things together and wondered. So, then I googled Crohn's and colostomies.
This is a man I had a fling with 15 years ago, and when we caught up recently, the old attraction was still there and I went to bed with him - and his girlfriend. Assuming I'm correct about him having an ostomy, it doesn't make any difference to the lust I feel for him - he's still the sexiest man I've ever met, even with a pouch, and even though he is in his early sixties. (I'm 44) It obviously hasn't put off his girlfriend of 20 years either, nor his wife, nor the other women he occasionally beds!
Perhaps his luck(?) is unusual, but I hope this gives others hope that a full sex life after an ostomy is possible.
One more thing: If he had told me before we went to bed that he'd had a colostomy, I may have been turned/scared off - at least a little. (And if he'd told me he had an ileostomy, I would not have known what he was talking about.) I would have envisioned a big fat tube leading to a large handbag-sized bag of poo (even though nothing was visible). Sorry, but I would have imagined that to be a bit gross, even though examining and testing stool samples used to be part of my job. And I probably would have worried about the logistics of where that bag would be during sex - would it get in the way? Could it leak? Will I hurt him? And maybe, if I'm honest, maybe it would have made me think of him as a little less virile and older ( -hey he is 63 and I hadn't seen him for 15 years). But having been to bed with him before finding out, I know now it's not an issue. And having googled it, I now know the bags are small and discreet.
So maybe you don't need to tell your date/partner before you get intimate - maybe it's better if you don't. I would recommend you at least have some level of intimacy before you spill the beans so they can see you as sexy.
Just a thought from someone who probably knows absolutely nothing about what she's talking about!