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New to dating with a ileostomy. Male companion vs. ostomate companion?

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Fri Jan 05, 2018 5:15 pm

Hi there, 

I've had an permanent ileostomy for the past 9 years and have adapted really well.  It has freed me up to be able to really enjoy my life.  In fact, I have checked off 8 of my 10 bucket list items (involving mostly travel).  I am also a Big Beautiful Woman, 200+ and 66 years old.  I don't have any other health issues.  Having been a BBW for the past 30 years was not an issue for me when dating or marrying.   I always managed to find men who adored me.  However, I am now widowed, for the past 2 years, still a BBW, but not sure how I feel about getting back into the dating scene with an ileostomy.  I thought it would be easier to find someone for a friendship or a travel companion on this site, but no one, and I mean no one, has responded to me. Meanwhile, on other dating sites, I get tons of responses. Not clear why. I'd love to hear from women or men on this site ---e.g. At what point do you  tell a new companion that you have an ostomy?  Can you please share your experiences as to how it went with dating a non-ostomate; or dating another ostomate.  Finally,  any advice in my quest to find a friend /travel companion would be appreciated?  Thank you very much indeed!  Julie   

Sat Jan 06, 2018 1:14 am

Do not give up I have seen others on this site that have had sucess.

Sat Jan 06, 2018 2:32 am

I agree with xnine that you shouldn't give up.  As for the complex question about when to disclose that you have a stoma, there have been numerous past posts on the subject, which can be found in the 'collections' section. Basically, its a personal choice based on a whole range of considerations.  I hope you find what you are looking for soon.

Best wishes


Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:59 pm
xnine wrote:

Do not give up I have seen others on this site that have had sucess.

Thanks for the encouragement, Julie.

Sun Jan 07, 2018 9:11 pm
Hi Julie I had mine since 1994 and I have never given up on things I wanted to do. there is a ostomy conference go to and check it out. Good place to meet other people like us.
Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:51 pm

Hi,   My name is Marsha, and I have my ileostomy for more than 50 years...since I was a teen of 15.   I'm 69 now.   When I dated the first time around,  intimacy wasn't quite the issue that it is now.    I didn't have sex with any of those young men, but I did tell them about my surgery.  it mattered to some, and not to others.   I ended up marrying a guy I met through the ostomy association, so he too had an ileostomy.   We were happy for awhile, and had two children, but a common surgery is not enough to keep a couple together.    We ended up divorcing after 24 years of marriage..   Dating the second time aroundd (  the last 20 years) has been a bit more complicated.   The decision to have sex, comes up much sooner than it did yeaars earlier.   I find that if there's a real attraction ( for me for the guy)   I tell him about my surgery by the second date.  Sometimes, it matters....other times it doesn't .   Sometimes I get the feeling that I telll too ssoon...and I should let the guy get to know me, before I reveal.   

Like you,  I'm a BBW, and have been for t he last 20+ years...   I've dated some....but not all that much.  I don't know why.   I don't rely on this site for dating...   Many of the people are married, and I don't have much faith in long distance relationships.   Like you,  I love to travel and have done so in the us, Canada, Mexico, Cruised the Carib, Toured Europe, and have been to China, Japan, South Africa, Israel...and to Australia 7x to visit my son and his family who live there.   I would still be traveling but my wings sort of got clipped.  I developed some other medical issues, and had to stop working, and go on  disability.   I don't have the resources $$$ to do the kind of travel I use to do.   But I still get around....and am always interested in new friends.   So if you'd like to write, I'd love to hear from you.   Marsha

Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:04 am

Dear Marsha, Thank you so much for sharing so much personal information with me.  You actually sound a lot like myself in that you're open, warm, seems to enjoy writing, and are a BBW with iloestomy, and love to travel. Listening to you about "having your wings clipped," plus the sudden onset of Glioblastoma on my younger, very fit, slim, otherwise healthy late husband, forced me to realize that anything can happen to anyone at anytime.   Imagine, my husband & I literally had our airline tickets to Hawaii in our hands (we were going to spend 36 days on several  Hawaiian islands), when he suddenly got the first headache of his life, and started to feel dizzy.  We were in Florida on vacation at the time.  On the very day that we were supposed to flight out to Maui, was the day he had his first brain operation, right there,  in Fort Lauderdale  (to the tune of $280,000 USD.   Thank goodness just about every Canadian I know, takes travel insurance when we travel to the USA.) After 3 more brain surgeries back home (Montreal),  I lost the love of my life.  He fought a tough battle for 15 months.  Even before all of that, I knew that life was precious and could  be taken away at any time. But this sad tradjedy pushed me to live each day to the fullest, and launched me into trying to complete my bucket list.  My late husband made me promise that I would go to both Maui and Italy in the two years following his passing. I did get to Maui, but not to Italy.  You see,  without even knowing or feeling it, I fractured my foot, and ended up NOT being allowed to put any weight on my foot for 3 months.  So Italy is still there waiting for me to explore it.  But at least this year, on my 66th birthday, I went ziplining!   It was thrilling.  

It's taken me 2 years to contemplate that I may enjoy having a companion with whom to have intelligent coversations,  and to go out to dinner and movie  with; and of course, travelling with a partner would be more fun and less expensive.  But finding such a companion is definitely NOT easy!  Many men on other websites are looking for a serious relationship....meaning a life long partner.  Both my daughters have relocated to be near me, now that I am a widow, and I regularly enjoy my grandchildren so much, that I would NOT relocate. Meanwhile, being 66, and fairly set in my ways, I don't think I am ready to share my living space with anyone either....although, perhaps, if the right person came along, I'd reconsider.  

Certainly no one on this website or another ostomoate website has even approached me -- not even one message.   I feel that most people are on this website to discuss health issues with their ostomy....and I simply don't have any issues. 

Just recently, on a regular dating site,  I made a connection with a brilliant scientist from North Carolina.  I know in my brain that it's all wrong because he is much younger than me (20 years) and more importantly at a different stage of his life and career.  He works really hard; I'm retired and have all my days free.  To further complicate matters, it's  a long distance from me.  But he seems to be infatuated with me  ---and claims that he has always been attracted to more mature woman who are plus size.  He, on the other hand, is tall, slim and very good looking.  We've become email pals, write daily to one another.  We have a date set aside when we will meet for lunch on my bi-yearly drive south to Florida.   Corressponding with him has evoked some sentimental /romantic feelings in me, so at least I've learned  that I am ready to open up my heart a to someone.  I haven't told him about my ileostomy for selfish reasons.  I don't want him to run in the opposite direction.  Also, I don't think our relationship will turn out to be physical.  Meanwhile  his mother (and I)  have been encouragin him to date women his age, and to hurry up and start a family before it is too late for him.  I guess if he finds the ideal mate before the end of March, we won't meet up at all. While he's looking on line, so am I.  But so far I have not " clicked" with anyone except for this young romantic poet/brilliant scientist.   If any more or new romance enters my life, I think I will write to you again....but perhaps through hotmail.  

It's been a pleasure conversing with you.   Take care, Julie

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