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What Is Wrong With Me???????????? :((((

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Posted by lottagelady, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 4:26 am
Hey Bev, I am back!! Were you trying top sneak that question in whilst I was away??

Listen babe - if I can do it so can you ...... I didn't come anywhere near the front of the queue in looks or figure so have that to battle with too; but apart from the ileostomy I have, I also have a massive disgusting looking corset to hold in my huge hernia and have to sleep in a noisy sleep mask due to my sleep apnoea (So look like Darth Vader in bed!)

Not sure of the best time to let it slip about the pouch - think I would do probably sooner rather than later to save any heartache, however he ain't worth the ground he stands on if he rejects you anyway.....

Lots of love and huggles,
Rach xxxxx

Last edited by lottagelady on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
Reply by amck, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 10:50 am
My heart just aches for you. Like so many others, I too came upon the same 'crossroad' you now face. The reality of being an ostomate takes on a whole new meaning when faced with having to share what has become your most intimate secret. You seem like such a lovely person, I can't imagine this gentleman not accepting you and your 'baggage'. "Judge not, lest you be judged". Remember, while he's looking at you, you have the opportunity to take a good look at him and his strength of character. Good luck!!!
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:28 pm
Hi to evereyone that replied to my post! I saw the so called gentleman 2 day's ago and I sat him down and told him about my life,my illnesse's and then my bag. All he kept saying was I'm sorry Beverley I cant believe what youve been through (i dont want pity) and I'm here for you when you need me (yeah bullshit). After our talk he said I have to go now and see a friend in the hospital and he left!! He said he would ring me or send me a message but haven't heard from him again.....Fucking arsehole not being able to see past a (BAG). Now I'm even more miserable than ever and that's it with MEN, i will never put myself in that situation ever again. I will now live the rest of my life ALONE,LONLEY,SEXLESS??? So what do I have to look forward to now NOTHING!!!!! Yes I'm angry as people out there without an ostomy are just gutless worthless peices of shit.....  The only way I could even try and have a relationship is with another ostomate but eveen then I still may be not good enough. So gin I'm completely destroyed and the rejection is killing me. All I wanted was a friend to cuddle and not the sex is that to much to ask for.... No wonder I call myself damagedgoods because thats what I am DAMAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply by lonestarszq, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:46 pm
I am really impressed with the valuable advice from everyone who responded to this beautiful woman!  After my surgery I saw a clinical psychologist about my fear of rejection.  Like Faith...he said that in this day and age you do not want to jump into bed too soon.  There are other factors to consider besides an ostomy!  His advice was that if I liked my date and he liked tell him around the third date. You want a man who is not shallow.  If he walks is his loss and he is not worth your time or tears.

Having an ostomy can make a woman feel less sexy and desireable.  Not true!  My supplier's catalog includes items for intimate moments: mini-pouches if you can wear them, or special panties.  You can get creative with Frederick's of Hollywood to disguise your pouch if it embarrasses you.

The gentleman you met sounds like a keeper.  Give him a chance!

Love and Light!
Reply by bearcat, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 7:48 pm
Madam, i don't know if this will help you or not, but i'm a happily married man ,68 years old, kids, grankids, yaya yaya  yaya in the good ole USA, but reading your post, seeing your picture and if i was in the land down under, i would have to give you a good hard look. i have an ileo and all my ffriends know it and it doesn't seem to bother them, of course, i'm not trying to date any of them either. can't speak for all man kind, but there are still good ones in the pond, you just gotta keep baiting the hook. look in the mirrow, give your self a little sexy smile and  and say to yourself " i may be a little damaged, but i'm still better than most"
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 8:27 pm
Hi, I just want to make it clear to everyone that I dont want to jump into bed with anyone at all! The only thing I want and need is a man's arm's around me and to be LOVED again....
But I know this will never happen no matter what I do or say. I can look in the mirror until the cow's come home but it doesn't change how i see myself (Damaged). I dont just have an ileostomy, I have also lost my uterus and both ovaries when I was 27 then I lost my bowel, then 3 yrs later I had a bi-lateral mysectomy, so I am very damaged in alot of way's. It's hard enough with the bag but also not having my boob's anymore makes me feel even less than a woman. And after they removed my breast's I contracted golden staph (MRSA) and it literally ate me away and I have big holes all over my chest and it's just plain ugly to look at, so what man is ever going to except a woman with so many missing part's????? Nobody anytime soon.
I hate the way I look and alway's will no matter what anyone say's to me. I thankyou all for ur replies and they all made sense to me,but putting it into action is a very differen't story!!!!!

Again thankyou to u all.

Reply by KennyT, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:33 pm
Beverley I am not going to pretend to know what you are going through because there is no way that I do. I feel for you so much and  I wish I could just pull the words out of the air to help you along the way but alas I am not that good.
But you are still the mother,grandmother,relative and friend to everybody you know as you will always be and I bet that their love for you has never diminished because of what has happened to you. And that is a testament to your spirit and love I am tipping.
It is easy for me to sit here on my computer and tell you that things will be ok but I have a sneaking suspicion that you have the determination to find your way to whatever it is that you  are looking for.

Take care Bev
Reply by Faith4Today, on Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:53 pm
First I want to say you have a very pretty face.  but remember YOU ARE A SURVIVOR... We all are one way or another.

Second, you did meet him in a hospital you said so maybe he really did have to see a friend,  he may be going through some emotional or at least a busy time himself.  Don't give up hope.  He may still call.

Third, you have a great spirit to have gone through all you have.  You are in a valley now but I believe you will be on top of a mountain soon.  God never sends us more than He gives us the Grace to bring us through it. As you can see by all the love here from your friends, the more physical problems we endure the deeper we are able to love.  You are like a diamond and every lost part or organ is like another cut or facet in a rough diamond.  The more cuts it has the more valuable it becomes, the more light it reflects.  All of your friends here and most disabled people everywhere know there is so much more to you than your physical challenges.  We all have learned the value of life and the gift of love. We know that sex is just a small expression of it and that hugs and time togather is what makes a couple one.  I know that  love and understanding is what you were looking for.  I know you will find it.  Remember, courting, the chase, the racing heart when the phone rings, snuggling and watching movies are all part of falling in love and can go on for months,  try to have some fun and just talk about each physical challange separately as you feel comfortable, it doesn't have to be all at once. I know rejection he is a personal friend of mine, I try to just face each day as it comes accepting what ever hugs I can get, having as much fun as I can, while still remaining private and guarding my heart.  I do have the dreaded conversation when I decide;  if he walks out my heart won't break, before I am already hopelessly in love.

Please remember we all love you, I am sure if you need to talk privately myself or any of us would be happy for you to send us a note.  Keep talking and take it one day at a time. Faith
Reply by Gus, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:30 am
Right then, first off chan ge your name from Damaged goods, your worth way more than that. Secondly as much as this bloke seems like an arsehole, be appreciative of the fact that it probably scared the blody crap out of him hearing what you went through. Now before folks start flyin off the handle at me for sounding harsh lemme finish.

Each of us has had some tiring and shitfull battles. I know i have, total colectomy, proctectomy, failed surgery, pain ukcers rashes, feeling sick a lot more lately than ever. All I knis once tyou give up, and lose hope you have lost the battle. As much as it hurts now it will pass with time. I met my wife in a chatroom that was based in the USA, she lived here in NSW and i lived in South Australia. She knew about the bag because I told her. She still wanted to meet me and well the rest is history. I'm still here and she's with me.

Bev, as hard as it is keep ya chin up girl. those of us that care about each other here will always be here, accepting you for who you are. I reckon you should find an ostomy support group somehwere near you and go visit. Even if it's just to unload all the crap its woirth it.

Oh and if you do give up then Gus will have to take a short trip down to melbourne and poke you in the riibs till you get moving again.

Big hugs to ya,, this post may not help but it made me feel better,,

Reply by Past Member, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:23 am
Hello again to all of you that have replied to me! I cant thankyou all enough for the very kind word's to me. As I said in my last post I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to grow old and alway's be very lonely. Just the thought of growing old and not having a Man by my side is killing me inside and I dont know how to get out of this deep dark pit that I'm in at the moment? Everytime I try and look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a very scared and damaged horrible looking body and I hate it so much! Every man I meet just want's to get there end in to put it politely and I'm sick of such shallow people. Why is body image such a big issue for those certain people out there? If I didn't have a BAG and still had my boob's and my uterus and I met a beatiful person that had no arm's or leg's it would not bother me in the slightest as I have alway's looked past thing's like that because I believe it's what's inside the person and what's in there HEART!!!! Sorry I'm rambling on again, I'm just so very confused about how some people think?? I know that I'm a very loving,caring and beautiful person on the inside,but it's the outside that is Fucking me up!! Sorry about the language. Anyway I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never have another man in my life and that's it as I dont want to be hurt anymore..... A humanbeing can only take so much before they are completely knocked down and cant get back up again and that's where I'm at......

Again Thankyou to u all your all very wonderful people.....
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 8:12 am
damagedgoods wrote:
  I know that I'm a very loving,caring and beautiful person on the inside

Now Bev, you can't think too badly of yourself if you can see the beautiful girl on the inside.

This is totally going to come out the wrong way, but have you ever thought of seeking professional help?  Therapy can be salvation to some people and it may help to "nut it out" with someone whose job it is to help people who have a distorted image of themselves.

I do feel for you, but it's only when you start loving yourself that you can let someone else in (corny but true).  

Take care,

Reply by SheliaBaby, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:23 pm
Hey might "come out the wrong way"....but it is a good suggestion.  Mainly because it helps to be able to express the things you are feeling....then you can begin to hopefully work through them.  You are a beautiful person on the inside...and when you can learn to love that person and stop judging yourself based on the opinions of only a handful of other people...I think you might find some peace within yourself.  When you love and appreciate will be easier to believe that there is a person out there that will see those same qualities in you.

You are not damaged goods....if others see you in that way....that is their problem.  You can choose to see yourself in that way....or to see yourself as what you really are....beautiful....inside and out!   Good luck....Shelia Smile
Reply by Tiggy, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:27 pm

You are sabotaging yourself, plain and simple. Even if you aren't totally aware of it, there's that little niggling voice inside your mind that continually comes up with reasons why you shouldn't, or can't do something. So, rather than set yourself up for what *could* be failure and heartbreak, your fight or flight response gets kicked into overdrive  before there's even any reason to run away or be upset. In a strange way, this self sabotage is the ultimate form of self preservation, or even self appreciation because it provides you with an automatic escape in situations that make you vaguely uncomfortable.
Please, please, please, don't allow any negative thinking or self sabotage to hurt your chances at happiness! It sounds so cliche, but it's true that if you are constantly in protection-mode, you have virtually no opportunity for anything new and exciting to happen in your life. It sounds to me like you're having a crisis of intuition VS fear. You intuitively sense that this new and interesting person could be someone worth pursuing and spending time with, but your fear is preventing you from closing your eyes and taking a great big leap of faith. My advice to you would be to take a deep breath and try your hardest to relish in this new friendship. Find out all sorts of things about this handsome gentleman, get to know him, and respond in kind by allowing him to become aquainted with you, bit by bit.

At some point, if/when the topic of personal hardships, medical problems, or sex comes up - that might be when you'll want to gently and in layman's terms, tell him what is a little different about you. Or, maybe you'll do it differently and just make it common knowledge early on in this new relationship - that can be helpful too, as it sends out the message that you are being totally real with this person, and anticipate that he is decent and open minded enough to not run screaming in the other direction. It's a compliment when someone divulges something to you. Or at least, that's the way I see it.

A rule of thumb I've heard many ostomates talk about is that if you don't make it out to be a huge, life-shattering problem, then he won't either. But, if you're nervous about pursuing intimacy with your bag, be truthful about that. You might be surprised to learn that there are a few things about his body that make him fearful and self conscious when it comes to intimacy. Smile

I do not have an ostomy, but my husband has had an ileostomy for just over a year and a half now. We have an astronomical sex life, in case you were curious. Razz

Best of luck to you, please don't be a stranger here on the boards!

Reply by Tiggy, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:04 pm
Damn it, that will teach me to actually *read* the entire thread before I go off giving my wonderful advice. ::sigh::.

I'm sorry that the man you thought might be a good friend to you turned out to be a complete jackass. Seriously, I am. It speaks volumes about his overall character that something so inconsequential (and I believe that word is accurate - inconsequential) could be enough to seemingly make him turn tail and run. But there you have it. The world can be so incredibly ugly at times.

I like to keep an open mind about things, and sometimes I hope it's true that what we project onto the world, we get back in spades. That is to say, sometimes I wonder if there's some truth to that saying, "Carry yourself like a queen, and you will attract a king." Perhaps it's food for thought, when you aren't so stressed about the situation, I mean.  I do think that given your feelings of low self worth and fear of rejection (which doesnt' always turn out to be unfounded, even for those of us who aren't ostomates), have you considered talking to a therapist? I don't mean a shrink (boy, it would be entirely inappropriate for a nutcase like myself to recommend that anyone else see a psychiatrist), but just a counsellor you can trust and open up to a bit.

Sometimes talking is so helpful. Writing, too.

If it makes you feel any better, my doctor thinks that I have a recurring issue with staph. He doesn't believe it's something as serious as MRSA,  but some kind of staph overload which makes me  break out in disgusting and painful boils from time to time. So far, they've been isolated only to my thighs and abdomen, but still - they leave hideous scars and are just an icky thing to deal with. On top of that, I have stretch marks to boot! Razz Yes, I've always been on the plumper side, but try not to focus on my curviness to the point of obsession. I guess the point of all this embarassing confession is to say that although I am not an ostomate, I am by no means perfect; and sometimes the thought of  undressing in front of someone else in broad daylight terrifies me.

Please hang in there, and keep the faith - at all costs.

Reply by lottagelady, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:36 pm
Liz - you truly are a wonderful person ....... what a great uplifting response, thanks, helped me too
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