Church Ladies with Typewriters

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Ed, Where do you find them, absolute corkers!

my personal favorite: Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days

good one ed

I thought PB would like this one:

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Ed

You're absolutely right, Ed, great one. Children are never too young to be exposed to Shakespeare or even to understand the concept of quot;tragedy quot;. In fact, former President Bill Clinton made news a few years ago when he visited an elementary classroom and helped the children arrive at a useful definition of this concept. Here is a clipping from a newspaper report:

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when
he visited one of the classes, they were in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in
the discussion of the word, quot;tragedy. quot; So our illustrious leader asks
the class for an example of a tragedy. quot;

One little boy stands up and offers, quot;If my best friend, who lives next
door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him,
that would be a tragedy. quot;

quot;No, quot; says Clinton, quot;that would be an accident. quot;

A little girl raises her hand. quot;If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy. quot;

quot;I'm afraid not, quot; explains Mr. President. quotThat's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS. quot;

The room goes silent. nbsp; nbsp;No other children volunteer. President Clinton
searches the room. quot;Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy? quot;

Finally, way in the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In
a quiet voice he says,
quot;If Air Force One, carrying Mr. amp; Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile
and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy! quot;

quot;Fantastic, quot; exclaims Clinton, quot;that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a tragedy? quot;

quotWell, quot; says little Johnny, quotbecause it wouldn't be an accident, and it
sure as Hell would be no great loss! quot;

Sorry, Ed, I promised a few years ago to check my politics at the door before coming into this site, but I couldn't resist.

PB

And we're grateful you did PB, good one, Ed