Life and Loss - My Journey Post-Urostomy

The title of this post sure caught my eye!

The responses and feelings expressed on this topic resonated in my soul and touched my heart.

I never got to read MMSH's posts before deletion, so I'm in the dark on that - but thank you, Kat, for starting this thread with your post and to everyone that replied. I have read every post and I too wonder if I'll ever have an intimate partner again in my post-ileostomy life. It would be so much better in my humble opinion, and profoundly connective to find someone within our [ostomate] community.

I've written up my story here in the past (about my spouse of 24 years leaving me as I was recovering from cancer and disfiguring surgery, including, Kat, a similar loss as yours). We also had another woman here whose husband wouldn't touch her because "she wasn't the woman he had married" (!)

Now it's 2011 and he's been remarried for 7 years (hope he's getting the 7-year itch) and I've had no relationship in all of that time. Like many have expressed here, I've had to accept myself before anyone else can.

So thank whatever deity you wish if your mate cares enough to stay around and explore new ways of love and intimacy with you. Enjoy! ;

Sorry, Pinky and others for going through what you did, with jerks that couldn't accept you with an ostomy. It's upsetting to hear that. We ostomates need to look within our own community (for those that are seeking/looking) and stick together.

I don't know which is worse... Not being able to physically have sex again or in my case, my wife is too creeped out by my temporary ostomy to even give me a hug...

All I can say is that sometimes the situation sucks even when you're "fully functional"

One thing about it,...you have a bunch of people scrambling to find "plenty of fish"

Including me. I won't lie!

How about it Gute.

How to Adjust to Life with an Ostomy with Bruce | Hollister

This is terrible what happened to you, dear....you are worth more than that. It all must have been very painful for you.
   
A mate can certainly turn out to be a selfish jerk, a sneaky, cheating, deceiving a$$hole, among other things, and even those of us with ostomies know the experience of this happening even within our own 'tribe' ....even ostomates will cheat on and deceive another ostomate while 'dating', we've seen it happen here ....so it isn't just partners without an ostomy or other medical problems who can leave or be a jerk...it boils down to the individual and what type of person they are ...and how honorable they are....how reliable and dedicated they are......or, ...how selfish and easily tempted they are, or can be, as soon as a fresh skirt swishes by to tempt them etc...........and some non-ostomates simply cannot psychologically deal with some of the overwhelming issues of what can happen physically to their mate...........but we all want to be loved and we all want to be cherished by someone who shows us that we have more value than that.......

....you deserve better, dear.    I have no doubt that someone much better awaits you.............and you're worth it.    .........and you are RIGHT, if someone TRULY loves you, they will remain with you, no matter what................................

~Your Doe

Well.......fancy meeting you here lol.......didn't know that you joined this site.......I haven't been on here for ages.........there are some really nice peeps on here who are helpful and very understanding.........n e way catch you soon ;Carole [Gloucester, UK]

Beautifully spoken, wounded doe.

I am so fortunate in the fact that I have a spouse who has stood by me through not only an emergency ileostomy back in Dec. 2010; but also through a 3-year severe lupus flare (lupus killed my colon and my entire large intestine was removed in Dec.). I was in the hospital for a total of 5 months in 2010; first for lupus-related problems and then the ileostomy/colon perforation incident. And he hasn't stood by me out of mere obligation....this man is here today because he wants to be. He has seen the beauty in me when I can't see it in myself; loved me through a near-death experience and weeks upon weeks of rehabilitation; more weeks of home health and a very slow recuperative process. He has laughed with me when I have had to anchor my arms around his neck and have him literally drag me into the bathroom; and planted little kisses on my neck on the way.....he has reassured me as often as necessary that, in his eyes, this stoma and bag are a part of me and he accepts it all.....without pity, or complaint, or trepidation. There are no words to express how thankful I am for this man; and trust me when I say I KNOW what I have here and I try my damndest every day NOT to take him for granted. This is my 2nd marriage and, as wonderful as this man is to me; I had one equally as BAD during marriage #1......and, having made this known, the stark contrast just makes me appreciate him even more.

Hello, I am new to the forum.
I have had an ileostomy and urostomy for over 30 years. I had my urostomy converted to a urinary koch pouch, so all I had to do was cauterize myself, but just 6 weeks ago I had to have that converted back to a urostomy bag. But this is from childhood illness at 3 years old of cancer (Rhabdomyosarcoma - vagina rectum). So yes, I had so much removed of my female reproductive organs. They closed my vagina and rectum. Only just 17 years ago, I had vaginal reconstructive surgery to open my vagina, so I could be sexually active with my husband. And after 16 years, I am divorcing (not so much because of my health conditions), but life goes on. And I do want to be married again, but feel better with meeting someone with the same health conditions as myself.

I am so happy to be a part of this forum. It is always great to share with people that understand. I am here for you. BE ENCOURAGED..

Msj

Welcome MSJ, it's a great place to be. I've found it to be very comforting and helpful. Hope to see you joining in writing more blogs. Take care, Ambies.

Thanks, Ambies. I'll be around.

I always admire people like you who have to cope with urostomies and ileostomies. Lol, I only have an ileostomy and it keeps me busy... ambies

I know exactly what you mean. It keeps me busy but does not limit what I can do. Been a fashion model for over 15 years.

I know I am one of the fortunate ones. I had my ileostomy in early 1979 and for 28 years thereafter, my wonderful, loving wife was there at every turn. She supported me in every way and our sex life was never interrupted. It seemed like I was more self-conscious than she was. I cherished her. Unfortunately, it all came to an end in 2007 when I lost her to breast cancer. I can really feel for those who are not as fortunate as I was. Life is just not fair.

X_

Ugh...I re-read my previous post here and it was ugly and self-pitying.

My daughter just spent two weeks here with me and my son. She's 26, he's 22. I thank God that the man I met and married all those long years ago was able to help produce the wonder that these 2 kids have turned out to be!

Generous, smart, hard-working, funny - you name it - they got it!

My ex received the blessing of eight additional children when he re-married - as for me, I am completely satisfied with these two and the ten years of extra life I was given to enjoy them.

No more whining...or "whingeing" as they say in the UK.

You can call it self-pity or whining, but most here would call it venting. As was stated in the first post, "No body part is worth a life" or we are all alive and very thankful, but let us put our head out the window and scream.

I always feel better after I have my scream on here, and I am sure many others are exactly the same. Get it out, yell, scream, but get it out, and then we all feel better.

Most people here will enjoy knowing another is being eased by venting. We don't need to be told how to act or what to say by other well-meaning people when we just want to get it out.

Please refrain from any derogatory remarks about anybody on here. Some may only need a comment like yours to go over the edge. Most here are better adjusted than most non-ostomates, but others can be very fragile and don't need instructions on how to express their frustrations.

MSJ. I understand what you are going through. I had a permanent ileo for almost 3 years now. I've had my ups and downs and a few times I have been suicidal. I felt like no one loved me. I was afraid to date because I hated to explain my situation. I didn't want my date to be disgusted. Please email me. I'd like to keep in touch with you.

I'm Eli. Love to share stories with you and get to know each other.