Ostomy and Intimacy: Debunking Misconceptions

My mother was a nurse for over 40 years. I remember when she had to have surgery for diverticulitis. She told me that she just hoped and prayed she wouldn't need a colostomy. She didn't at 77 years old and enjoyed 8 years of the good life. But her daughter had her colostomy at age 62. I think that wherever she is, she knows that I'm doing well. Thanks to improvement in today's care and ostomy supplies, we ostomates can do just fine. You newbies hang in there! Remember that Bob Hope was an ostomate for over 40 years. Back then, who knows what an ostomate had to use...rubber gloves, tin cans taped over their stomas?

It's not the bag that causes trouble, it's the disease that caused the bag that also affects my girlie part... i.e... narrowing.

I'd tell them I wouldn't know. I haven't had it for 10 years before I had to wear an ostomy pouch.

The issue is that ostomates, just like everyone else, have libidos too. When asked, "When did you last have sex?" I always comment, "Oh, about 4 hours ago." -D

Can you have sex with your ostomy?

Hello 2nd life. The question you pose appears to have two very distinct meanings. The first (rephrased) is the obvious one can you have sex if you have an ostomy? I think the replies here indicate a resounding yes - as long as you have a willing partner. The second meaning appears to be asking if you can have sex via the ostomy. The mind boggles as to why anyone would want to do this but I suppose anything is possible even if it seems a tad abhorrent and is likely to lead to all sorts of complications. Best wishes Bill

Ooooo Bill....sorry but GROSS and weird, not to mention dangerous! 2nd life, please don't despair. Focus on being grateful for anything and everything that is good in your life...after all...you are ALIVE!! That is what I have done and a wonderful person is in my life now that looks beyond the whole Ostomy thing and told me that who he is interested in is ME! Love starts with yourself. Be kind and loving towards yourself and you will naturally be attracted to and attract those that will reflect that back to you.

Oops...sorry...meant to say...and not end in that last post.

Hello vikinga. I agree with you - gross and weird. Perhaps I should not have posted this comment. Maybe DH can delete it for us.Best wishes Bill

Because we want some jiggy jiggy and if you're on your own, it's strange if only showing. Moooza

So, some jiggy jiggy? There are cute little covers for your pouch. So get one and enjoy yourself Mooza! (;-D

I was just reading Redhairgirl and had no idea that Bob Hope had a colostomy. I've had mine for 3 1/2 years and my husband was very ill, so I've not had the reason to have sex and have wondered if it was possible with the scar tissue due to radiation?

Vikinga X.. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!! It's just shocking to see that they have people on here with colostomies that still harbor prejudices and judgment on others. I was taught as a young child that no question was stupid, and I really had nowhere else to turn. Update - my partner is back, and we are working on some issues besides my colostomy. Thank you for not judging me, for those that haven't. Gay people are people too, with feelings. I'm sorry for anyone that I may have offended.

Vikinga X is what I meant to say.

Well, my wife left me and it was because after almost 8 hours of wrestling with my innards, I am sexually dysfunctional! But I am alive and still have lots of platonic lady friends! Life is good!

You know Fargy, it might have been the wrong woman. Have you tried getting your hormones checked? Your age tells me that you are definitely in andropause and that can be resolved (with many health benefits!) with bio-identical hormones. Don't touch the other synthetic kind!

I'd like to recommend a book, It's in the Bag, and Under the Covers. I'm sorry, but I forgot the author's name. It's full of interesting stories regarding ostomates' sex lives. My ostomy support group passed the book around, so many of us read it for laughs as well as technical info. ;-D I saw the book advertised on an ostomate website.

I have to say...what a question!! Only matched by my mother-in-law who has asked me twice, as I am about to get into her condo pool. Can you swim in a pool with the bag? Because they don't let kids with swim diapers in the pool. Really?! No, I plan to let my excrement fly through the cool blue water. The nerve of people.

Cee, I've been doing water aerobics for 30 years, 11 as an ostomate. When I joined my support group, a water aerobics member, whose husband is the ostomate, told me that she was so surprised to see me at the meetings. I felt the need to justify myself, which I did, explaining how there was no additional risk to having me in the pool. I should have let fly with your humorous retort! ;-D Thanks, Cee!

Hi redhairedgirl, I was wondering if you would know where I could get that book from as I'd be very interested in reading it. I'm in the UK, not the US, and I'm having some difficulty locating it! Thanks, Sophie

Sophie, I'll get the author's name at my osteo support meeting after the holidays. But I'm sure I saw the book advertised on ConvaTec or Hollister's website. Sorry I'm not more helpful. :-( But I'll keep trying!

Ok....thought it would dawn on you without my having to say this....but (clearing throat) if you look you will see that book advertised at the top of some of the pages on this website.

Hmm, I can't find it. But then, I'm technically challenged! Where do I look?

Okay, somehow I did find that book at the top of the page. Good grief, Charlie Brown! Sophie probably saw it before Vikinga pointed it out. -D

To the last two ladies, Vikinga and red-haired lady—thanks, and you are right, best without her!

So there ya go. A link to buy it, the author's name, and an ISBN number if you wanna try to find it somewhere else. Hope that helped!

Ah, crud, the site added my words together. Lol Here is the link without words added in.

Ok, so people just don't ask me that since I had a surprise kid (ha!). But really, people get the goofiest ideas. Loving these responses. And actually, I got engaged after my surgery. My husband just doesn't care, period. He really likes the fact that I'm alive and stuff.

I often wonder what it would be like to have sex (make love) again - it has been a while (6 yrs). I have the double whammy, though. I was paralyzed by an abscess on my spinal cord. Then I was in a care facility - learning to walk again. Not far, but up on my own two legs. Then I got ill and sat outside on the patio where I was forgotten about for 36 hrs. Pneumonia - bad 104 temp., almost died when a staff member came back on after days off and saw me wearing the same clothes, sitting in the same spot in my wheelchair. Blood coagulated in my butt and they had to carve out two large grapefruit-sized chunks out of each cheek. On my deathbed for several weeks. Woke up to a colostomy bag. Did not know what it was for until they explained it to me. They put in a suprapubic catheter also. Docs said the processes were reversible. After time, I wanted them reversed and docs said it had been too long and couldn't do it. Now my life is back in a wheelchair, but almost on crutches. Sex life? I have lost it all. I doubt I can find someone unless she has comparable problems and understands. I feel so shot down and embarrassed and the most important thing in my life was hopefully finding someone special and having a chance at falling in love (never been) and being close to that someone special. From a doing-quite-well Realtor to living in a care facility. That old 'well at least you're still alive' does not make me feel much better at times. Waiting to move and worried about how I am going to handle flying 6 hrs. from Hawaii to Oregon with a bag. I fear for life now because my friends deserted me and I have no family. Greatest fear is to never kiss a woman again, to hold someone in front of a fire and fall asleep in each other's arms - to never make love again - these are the fears I live with daily. I read these comments and think to myself, "Wish it was ONLY a colostomy bag to deal with." So if you have only a bag on, you should be thankful that it is not worse. My life was destroyed, and I feel alone and lost and may never have the things I wanted in life. Sometimes it's hard to be tough. So sex with a bag? Go for it, 'cause it is not that big of a deal when you visualize the other things that could be.

And you go for it too, Bud. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, your family of fellow sufferers. Your trial has been terribly rough, but you are still willing to reach out and encourage others - wow, Bro! God bless.