Embarrassed

Is anyone else too embarrassed about their stoma to be intimate with anyone? I, for one, am.

No, and my stoma has never been a problem in any relationship.

How long have you had your stoma? Have you had any counseling?

Do you have a partner or are you single?

Talking about how you're feeling is the best therapy.

Oh hello!! Finally, a question tailor-suited for me.

It's been 1 year and 10 months since my Out of Left Field illness resulting in a total colectomy.

I've had such difficulty gaining and maintaining weight (I am 5'8" and 112 lbs despite my voracious and insatiable eating habits). As a result, I look anorexic. I look as though I've aged 10 years in 1.75 years. Ergo the following...

I could not ever see myself being intimate with someone (I am most happily divorced) after getting my stoma. I had been casually seeing someone prior to my surgery but refused his calls afterward. Last spring we reconnected; however, I assumed he was approaching the situation as I was...just good friends.

Nope. He made it clear he wasn't grossed out by the bag. We tried to be intimate. I wasn't able to continue. Too much mental influence; I lost my mojo. We tried again another time, but it was a no once again.

I do wonder if I will ever be comfortable with it. But here's the thing... while I may finally be getting to the point where I can accept that this ileostomy is a permanent function, I truly do not believe I will ever be comfortable entertaining anything of an intimate nature with anyone. I think the only way I could conceivably be comfortable with it would be if the man had an ostomy as well or had had one.

I don't really believe I would be lucky enough to find a man I was attracted to who lives in Ottawa and happens to have an ostomy or did have one and it was reversed. So I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will be alone forever, which really is heartbreaking. Anyway, I hope I'm the only one who has that mental issue, that mental block, because I truly hope everyone finds or maintains that perfect significant other who is happy to walk this journey with you.

Hi C, it would be good if there was a "Stoma Singles Club." Looking for a partner close by who also has a stoma. Could be a job for someone to start one up. Regards, IGGIE

There are many ostomy products specifically designed for intimacy. They are used for about an hour or so and are small and unobtrusive.

My Ostomy Journey: LeeAnne | Hollister

Having a stoma is usual, but look at the size of your stoma; it is small compared to the rest of your body and can easily be covered. The hard part is telling your new potential partner. Most people are kind of confused, and some will leave you because of your stoma or disease. Others will like/love you in spite of your bag. I have had my colostomy for over 30 years. I was married for a little over 24 years. Afterwards, I have dated and had two serious boyfriends. Before you start dating, make sure you are in good mental and physical shape. And never give a new potential partner money or personal information about yourself; there are scammers here and on other dating sites.

Nope, not embarrassed at all.

At first, I was not comfortable being physical with someone. It's been 3 1/2 years since ostomy surgery and I am still dealing with medical issues, but I'm open to being physical because it's part of me and who I am. Accept it or walk away.

No, I haven't either. Won't go out with men for fear of this coming up! Would rather stay single!

I don't show my stoma or let my husband see my stoma, but there is no problem with the pouch on.

I've had my ileostomy for 6 years. I'm single and have had a couple of potential lovers be turned off when I explain. But overall, it's okay with my partners and with me. I'll shower and change to a closed pouch before intimacy, and no problem! Good luck, and I hope that those who are too embarrassed to seek love grow to accept that it's now a part of us.

I am gay and hadn't been with a man since before my ostomies (colo, then ileo). In August, I met a younger man at a meeting of a local gay group for older men. We subsequently met just for sex. I let him know ahead of time what he'd encounter. Everything was quite visible: my substantial parastomal hernia and my bag hanging down. Being a gay man and having had a total proctocolectomy, I also informed him that I had no anus. I don't know how I found the courage to reveal everything, but being almost 70, I said to myself, what did I have to lose? Everything went just fine.

Good for you, Chrony. Like you, I got a peristomal hernia. Sucks to see that bulge on my abdomen.

My gay friend at work refused to get a colonoscopy. I finally got him to do it. Turns out he had anal canal cancer...caught early enough to be cured by radiation. Now he gets tested every year. Lucky him.

Let it all hang out. Good for you! As a comedian once said, "What you see is what you get!" Make sure you stay safe too.

To be honest, yes, personally. However, I'm fairly new to this but find ways to feel more comfortable (tank top, tied to around waist, fresh change of course). I agree with others as well; if someone is turned off, I would move forward and really not hold a grudge on it.

I'm not sure I'd be embarrassed about having a stoma or a bag.

Embarrassment would be something like being in a quiet place with your date and having your stoma fart or make sounds as it does, or going out in public, walking around, perhaps going to a diner or a fast food joint and realizing something stinks! And that is because you have a leak.

It's very easy to say "get over it" and move on, but it's not that easy for some, and you will lose precious time each day wallowing about "moving forward." Only you can choose your destiny. Please don't feel sorry for yourself. Get help. Talk to a professional.

I was married in 2012, got my stoma in 2016, and I was divorced by 2021. It was my decision to leave because of partly the stoma.

It's a difficult time and choice to put yourself out there.

What would happen if you dated a guy or girl who wore a bag and still got dumped?

My two cents from a guy's point of view and recent experience - dating is about chemistry. That's what I am hearing from the women I have met.

Try selling yourself. Forget the bag.

I didn't even mention it to them. Still got turned down. Still moving on.

I really like living by myself, finally. Nobody to cook for or wash for but myself, nobody to tell me what to wear, the cats can sleep with me, and I don't have to share my closet. Think of all the good things! Watch whatever you want to on TV.... Not lonely or heartbreaking! For me, anyway.

I really like living by myself, finally. Nobody to cook for or wash for but myself, nobody to tell me what to wear, the cats can sleep with me, and I don't have to share my closet. Think of all the good things! Watch whatever you want to on TV.... Not lonely or heartbreaking! For me, anyway.

If you don't have confidence in yourself as a person, finding someone to be with will be difficult, as confidence is one of the easiest things to sense in another person. Own yourself first; the rest will fall into place.

Hi, I have had a colostomy for around 9 months, and I admit I do find it difficult to think about and to be intimate.

As a gay guy, I'm really lucky to have a fab partner who is totally understanding and has been on the journey with me.
We are still having great sex between us and with other guys. Not everyone is comfortable with the stoma concept, but importantly, I've met guys who have no problem with it and are happy to get it on with me.

One guy put it fantastically well. He said, “I view it as a disability aid. It's not any different in principle to having glasses to correct your vision - the stoma corrects your bowel function.

I wear a hernia belt over my stoma, and wearing this when being intimate is my top tip. It covers the bag neatly and almost removes all concern about a flapping bag and leaks. It makes me feel more comfortable with my body, as during sex even I can't see the bag!

Appreciate my comments may not apply to ileostomy and urostomies, but maybe someone will find it helpful.

Stay strong, everyone. Rob.

My wife had no issues with my ostomy; I, on the other hand, could not get it out of my head, which made it impossible for me to be intimate.

Over time, little by little, I got over it but was never rushed.

Take your time.

Hey Rob from England.

Here in the States, having a stoma is actually a disability if it interferes with your job. Imagine that.

So your partner is spot-on defining it as such.

I am curious about the belt you mentioned.

I wear a thin belt that attaches to the appliance, plus another wider belt, about 4-5 inches wide, that has hooks and a pocket for the bag.

I do not like the stealth belts, so this wider one (I have five of them) seems discontinued. I can't get these wider wraparounds.

Over the years, they become very worn and stretched.

Do you know a manufacturer currently supplying them? Thanks.

What kind of belt is wider and has a pocket for the bag?

I have a parastomal hernia around my colostomy. As a result, I wear a support belt about 8 inches wide, which wraps around my body over the stoma bag and overlaps and fixes with Velcro. It's designed to reduce the possibility that the hernia will worsen.

This was supplied by a manufacturer in the UK, but I don't know who, as these are provided to me together with all the other stoma consumables by our health service at no cost. My stoma nurse just requests what's needed, and it arrives on my doorstep a few days later.

All the best. Rob

It covers the stoma bag completely, and as it's tight-fitting, there's no loose bag to flap around. I don't wear the belt at night or if I'm at home during the day, so output is not compromised. When having sex, it does make it much less of an issue for others, I feel.

I too have the same thoughts... I've not had a hug since I got the colostomy... I too have resigned to being alone, and it's getting easier every year... I now don't have to share my dresser drawers, lol... Don't know where I'd put a man in my tiny home anyway... But it's sometimes sad to cry alone and deal with life issues alone... Thank you for sharing... I've had mine for 14 years now... I had diverticulitis...