Popcorn Madness... A Special Report

Dateline: Huntington Beach, CA

Sharp-eyed readers might have noticed an innocuous post days ago, detailing a gastro adventure of Ostemate, Beachboy. Deciding to "throw caution to the wind," he consumed a small popcorn with a rather large soft pretzel at a local movie theater. Our intrepid reporter, Bertie Flit, interviewed this wayward fiend and filed this report titled: The Day After.

To ensure this gripping story is more "real," sound effects and commentary have been added in parentheses.

Reached at his tiny home, Beachboy regaled this reporter with details about his sordid tale of popcorn/pretzel madness (burp).

After a fitful night of minor bag bloat (berrrrappp), Beachboy's alimentary canal finished processing the "forbidden fruit" (gurgle-rumble). By mid-morning, his colostomy bag was percolating with an extremely viscous sludge resembling Mississippi mud after a flood (plop, plop... fizz, fizz).

Unable to drain his pouch (damn...), he snapped on 2 new bags in 2 hours (click, click). Use of deodorizer lube proved fruitless (yikes).

Chastised by this humbling experience (unlikely), Beachboy pronounced himself cured and cleansed of popcorn addiction, vowing "never again" (fingers crossed).

Some call me dirty, but my name's Bertie. As Porky Pig would say:

Ba Da Ba Daaa... That's all folks.

😆.. Sweet.

No lesson learned here by the 🤞???!!!

Alas... I'm a creature of habit.

Though some would just say... a creature.

Dear Creature: I hate to see you are willing to give up your popcorn habit… have you tried Chester's? It may be just the answer to stomachs that scorn popcorn… just a suggestion. JB

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Having a colostomy has so many advantages over an ileo, and I'm envious (but happy for you!) of all of them. However, I suspect that eating popcorn is one that ileos like me have over colostomates like you. Like all foods, popcorn goes through me faster, and I've never had a problem. It's occurring to me - is it possible that the popcorn AND the pretzel did you in? That's a lot of binding going on…

I wonder how long you will last lol or will you rationalize that; 🥨 and 🍿. Lol

Hey, he looks just like the cat on Cheetos commercials. I'll have to try some Puffcorn now. My wife does say I'm corny from time to time.

Yes... a novel form of synergy. Pretzel molecules joined forces with popcorn fluff to produce sticky, thick sludge that defied all bag drain attempts. My feeble fingers were humbly challenged.

But each handful from the 'corn bucket went down so smooth. Ah... the memories.

Alas, a creature featured.

My wife believes I'm an alien. Told her: Don't tell the neighbors, but I'm from Uranus.

I'd love some popcorn but stay on the side of safe :)

Sometimes... you just gotta have it.

A small tub of popcorn at the movies will cost me a colostomy bag or two later... but it's worth it. And since I chew it so well, it lasts the entire movie... even the credits.

Dateline: Huntington Beach

Local authorities are considering a ban on theater popcorn sales to well-known ostomate, Beachboy.
Sewer systems around the city suffered massive stoppages last week.
Against common sense and civic responsibility, the "boy" munched a small tub of this forbidden delicacy at a local movie house. A day later, sewers began to malfunction and operations were disrupted at the 5th Street water treatment plant.
Crews worked night and day clearing the heavy, cement-like sludge and bringing the plant back online.
Condemnation was swift and severe. In a rare show of unity, Republicans and Democrats worked together crafting new local regulations against the 'corn hooligan.

Shaking his fist, Mayor Stu Turdly vowed, "Never again!"