The Importance of Physical Touch for Ostomates in Relationships

My husband and I have been married for 48 years. Born with extrophy of the bladder, I was given a ureterosigmoidostomy. At age 69, with a bowel perforation, I had to get a colostomy and a uro conduit. For the past 9 years in a king bed, I could only sleep on my right side, tethered to an overnight bag. My husband accepted the ostomies, but only once or twice came over to cuddle me. Every night, he turned on his left side and went to sleep. Finally, after missing "touch," I moved out of the bedroom and decreased any opportunity of neglect.

Hello EDO5215

I 'feel' for you - because touch is such a necessary interchange with loved ones - and without intimacy - even if only a good morning kiss and hug - one feels very isolated

BW

Hug

~ ~ ~ Jayne ~ ~ ~

Touch is one of the basic love languages so popular these days. Someone somehow calculated a formula devised to tell if two people are compatible.

Last I heard, there were 5 parts to this love language.

It used to be "What's your sign?" back in the day, right? No more.

Now it's like "Are you fluent in love language?" 🤦‍♂️.

Meanwhile, back to you—

Wow, you moved out of the bedroom? Geez, and you are both involved in the medical field, too. Very involved.

I am so sorry to hear of this. Maybe he needs time?

Hope it's a short time away from each other nightly.

It goes both ways. Did you touch him? Is there no way to have any connection except in the bedroom? Sitting on the couch watching TV, walking by one another, out on a date, out for a walk? There are a gazillion opportunities to have a connection from him to you or vice versa. Now, if you've grown apart and are just together because it's convenient and you're both okay with that, so be it. However, if you or he needs more, you should probably seek some professional help, sit down and talk to him, etc. Everyone has one life to live; it's up to you how you do that.

Very well said, Alex.

Terry

Getting Support in the Ostomy Community with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

This is sad indeed. You say your husband accepted ostomies, but has he really? Have you talked about it at all? Without meaningful communication, nothing is going to change. We all need touch. Intimacy is so much more than just sex. I'm sure he is missing it too. I agree with Alex. It's a two-way street. Someone has to start the process of talking about the elephant in the room. It looks like it might be you. I hope you are up for the challenge. Some people stay in marriages that lack love and intimacy, for various reasons, security, money, fear of being alone. If you plan on staying in this marriage, you need to decide if the status quo is acceptable to you. I wish you luck and strength.

Terry

I know a few couples who began sleeping apart for various reasons, and then it became very awkward between them, the "elephant in the room," as Terry mentioned. The distance between them grew almost to the point that they rarely talked to one another, or if they did, it was only about the bills, the grandchildren, the house repairs, etc. They lost that easy banter, those loving looks, and the spontaneous outings that once had made them laugh and giggle like schoolkids.

Maybe the ice can be broken by small gestures at first (outside of the bedroom), like reaching for his hand when you are walking, giving him a hug for no reason, or suggesting something fun that you can both enjoy, even a short outing like going for ice cream!

It may be that he thinks you are no longer interested in him or that you don't want to feel physically connected, in which case, you will need to make the first move. It doesn't have to be a grand effort - perhaps you can even say, "Remember that time that we ..." and conjure up a really fun or wonderful time you both had with one another. Laughing and reminiscing about the good old days can be a really effective way to recall feelings of affection for each other.

Being married for 48 years, it sounds like neither of you wants to be with anyone else, and it's never too late to start enjoying your lives together again. You can just ease into it gradually, without feeling awkward or pressured.

I wish you the best of luck! We're here whenever you need to talk. :)

M

xo

I wrote this because I think "touch" becomes even more critical when you are wearing "bags" on your body—they change your life and view of yourself. Connection via touch becomes more critical, humane, and loving.

I wrote this because I think "touch" becomes even more critical when you are wearing "bags" on your body—they change your life and view of yourself. Connection via touch becomes more critical, humane, and loving.

I wrote this because I think "touch" becomes even more critical when you are wearing "bags" on your body—they change your life and view of yourself. Connection via touch becomes more critical, humane, and loving.

You can't change another, only yourself lol

I am a clinical nurse specialist in psychotherapy—tried all resources.

Hello ED05215

I may be stepping on hallowed ground here...

But... here comes my number ten step into the breach...

A medical clinician with whom I have interchanged very extensively - apparently deeply regrets his own agreement to be responsible for his wife's cancer treatment.

Irrespective of ethics...

He thought that he could cope.

He has gone on to say that it was the worst decision of his life.

The reasoning behind such a statement need not concern us...

But just a thought...

Two professionals, perhaps, may not be best placed to help one another, and an independent perspective would enable at least an 'outside' perspective which may aid either one or both of those now less intimate with one another?

Best wishes

Jayne

PS I can only begin to imagine how difficult/surreal the situation of applying best practice to your own personal situations - given your specific professional areas of 'understanding'.

It seems to me - as a lay reader here, that although capable of helping others, one is not necessarily best placed to help oneself...

Particularly in areas of acknowledgement of difficulties that one might be 'reasonably' 'supposed' to be professionally 'qualified' to address...

Perhaps this is singularly not the case?

Best wishes

Good luck

Waves ~ ~ ~

Jayne

Why do you or did you work in psychotherapy if you don't think you can help someone change? Anyway, you helped me confirm my opinion on a few things.

So very sorry you feel your husband doesn't want to cuddle you. I think you should say something, maybe something like, "I used to love it when you used to cuddle me in bed. I loved the closeness."

He may be feeling the same but felt he never wanted you to be uncomfortable.

Let him know, had those things happened to him, you would have kept reassuring him that you loved him.

Tell him,

Sometimes I feel very alone. Really hope it helps. Love and best wishes for a happy, healthy, long life together. XXX