Anyone else feel rejected because of their ostomy?

I've been on this website for roughly a month. As stated in my profile, I was born with a condition called Vater syndrome or VACTERL Association. For the most part, most of my organs and all of my limbs are intact.

However, I've always struggled with dating. Not saying I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but I feel that aside from my disfigured body, I have a really pretty face.

I was married once, but without getting into specifics, it wasn't about love or attraction on either side. I've been divorced for 15 years and can't find another partner no matter what.

In the past 3 years, I've been dating seriously, but none of those men seem to want me. Many hint at it being about my defects or weight or both. I really hit it off with one guy, but in the end, I wasn't what he wanted or desired in a partner, and again he hinted at my disfigurement (yet he was okay having sex with me on the down low).

I'm just so tired of this. Am I really considered that physically unattractive?

Sorry for the rant and possible wrong category. I just wanted to vent a little and see if anyone else has had trouble finding a partner either because of the ostomy itself or because of a medical condition that led to the ostomy in the first place.

G-Day KeyoW,

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Just enjoy the journey until you find him.

Regards, IGGIE

Love is hard to find no matter what. I've been single a long time, but even though I'm still alone, I don't think I can quit looking just yet. Being fluffy was a turn-off for many, but I just had my colostomy in April, so I'm giving myself time to heal physically, mentally, and emotionally so I can try again. This has given me a new appreciation for others with differences. Finding this page has given me a lot.

I'm glad this website has given you hope. I also hope you adjust well to your new life with an ostomy.

Thanks. I've been struggling with dating since middle school. I feel like some people are just unable to attract a mate no matter what. Many men are very visual by nature, so physical attraction is the main factor before pursuing anything deeper, like mental and emotional compatibility. I can never pass the physical test, so they won't bother to get to know me mentally and emotionally. This isn't a stab at men; it's just an observation about men in general. There are a few open-minded men, but they are difficult to find. I'm very lonely because I seek a relationship with depth, but most people in general want shallow, casual relationships and try to avoid intimacy. If they have had a previous troubled relationship, then they will be even more cautious and picky. No matter how cautious someone is, though, there's always a chance the relationship could potentially fail. So worrying about that and avoiding it makes no sense to me.

Living with Your Ostomy | Hollister

Honestly, any man worth your time and love won't care about your ostomy or physical differences.

I do think it is easier and faster for the shallow losers to reject you for those reasons. But that's really just a high-performance filter.

Dating is difficult, and finding the right person is hard as hell. That's true with or without the ostomy.

Never doubt that you are a beautiful lady inside and out. Hold out for the prize you deserve.

Preach, sister.

I appreciate your kind words. I guess you're right. It will quickly filter out people who are only seeking superficial relationships based on looks. Sure, everyone has a type, I guess, but I don't seem to be anyone's type. Even when there is chemistry and synergy, my appearance ultimately leads to a rejection that then upsets me and gives them another reason to say it was my emotional state. 🙄🙄🙄

No, I have never done that, but everyone has their own experiences. Get out there, keep on fighting, and have fun. If they don't like you or your bag, it just wasn't meant to be. You will meet the right one when the time is right, when you're not even looking.

Hi KeyoW, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not one person is perfect. Some may look okay, but there's something that's not okay.

Start changing your thoughts! You're beautiful; it begins with you. There's someone out there for you. Don't give up!

Hang in there!

Angelicamarie

Yep. It's tough dating in general. I understand you said you have VACTERL syndrome?

When I was diagnosed with Cogan's syndrome (CS), I said to myself, "There's gotta be others out there with this."

I took on a campaign to find them. I did. I met them. I did. This syndrome results in hearing loss, sometimes complete deafness. I took out ads in various deaf magazines and found a lot of people with C.S. It's amazing if you apply yourself, you will find your own kind out there.

There's a topic on VACTERL syndrome on here. Another woman is looking for others. See if you can find her. The sky is unlimited. Go for it.

Do you remember the name of the thread? I'd like to read what she wrote. How would I search for it on here? Thanks!

I see you found her and the thread. Good work! 😁

You know, I think as a woman, most of us at some point feel this way, health or not. I was a big girl before my ostomy (260 lbs at my biggest, 230 lbs when I got sick), and the ex-husband was like the guys you described. So I thought the same thing. Then, when I got sick from a horrible gallbladder surgery gone wrong, I was left with a three-inch wide open scar all the way up from my cookie jar to right under my breast. At the time, I had 8 JP drain scars, and in 2 years, I dropped to 104 lbs, just to now stay stable at 125 lbs with 15 JP drain scars. At the time I got sick, I was only with my fiancé for 4.5 years, and he was away for 3 years before he first saw how much my body changed. I got sick right at the beginning of COVID, so nobody was allowed to visit. Anyway, next month it will be 10 years, and I still have body issues. I hear all the time how people are shallow about it. I only just started not to care in public if my scar shows or not. This summer, when we were at the lake and I had to take my T-shirt off, I said forget it. If bigger women can show rolls off and be fine, I can have a scar and a little muffin top show. That, and being older too, I guess I don't care as much as before. But I do still struggle and ask Nate what he sees in me, and all he says is, "You're alive, and the only thing that's changed is you're not as healthy as you were, but you're still you, and that's all that matters." So yeah, I know I got lucky, but I get what you're saying because if I wasn't with him anymore, I don't know if I'd be with someone else and feel the same way. But there are still good guys and women out there. Unfortunately, you have to weed the wrong ones out. Vent all you want; nobody understands what someone else is going through half the time. This is where I vent. Nobody I know has an ostomy, let alone all the other problems other than kidney issues that I can relate to, and my family just thinks it's a bag to do the business in and nothing else is wrong with me. But ask why I need to go for surgeries every 6 to 8 months, and the last 3 years, I come back with yet another JP drain and had sepsis the last 2 times. So if you want or need somebody to talk to, or anybody else that reads this, feel free to message me! 🫂😊

I very much appreciate you sharing your story with me. It made me feel a little better about the situation. You are indeed very fortunate to have found your partner before all of the changes took place. It's amazing how he decided to stay around after the change. It shows how much he values and loves you. I hope I find a love like that.

I'm late to the table, and you've received a ton of good advice. Don't be discouraged by the shallow people you meet, who would judge you by your appearance, but also, don't waste any more of your time or energy on them than it takes to figure out who they are. Move on, and keep the faith that the right one is out there somewhere. There are a lot of flakes and losers out there, but there are some gems too. Don't give up on yourself.

Terry

I hope you do too and anyone else looking for or wanting someone to share your life with... and also know if they can't accept you for who you are, it's NOT worth your time 😊

Keyo, it seems you are always anticipating rejection, and it is self-fulfilling. You have to first love yourself — if you don't love yourself, how do you expect others to? I have read of people committing suicide because they hated themselves when others perceived them to be gorgeous. If you think you are worth loving, then act like it, dress like it, and smile often. Acting disfigured is more of a turn-off than being disfigured. No more sex on the "down-low" — move on immediately from anyone that does not want to be seen with you publicly. Also, you may need to open up your lens and not overlook persons you deem disfigured. Initiate conversations because there are a lot of introverts out there. I am extremely introverted, but my wife is an extrovert, and when we met, she was the one that drove the conversations. We have two daughters; one is an extroverted introvert, and the other is an introverted extrovert. Just because someone is not approaching you does not always mean they are not interested — they just may be shy.

“The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking.”
    — Benjamin Mays 

I can relate. I have my own insecurities, but the bag is not one of them. It's the women who are pickier with men over the bag, not the other way around.

You don't have control over the health issues, but you do have control over your appearance and weight. These are things that might help open doors. You don't have to do any of these. You don't have to like my advice. I am only mentioning this because I've been where you are, and it's the brutal hard truth. It worked so well that I was not ready emotionally for what was about to come my way, including men who were much too young for me.

Attraction is your superpower. So is confidence.

📍Get to the bariatric clinic. There are so many options now. It's not just about surgery. I have lost a lot of weight myself, and it makes a huge difference and opened doors I never expected would happen.

📍Grow your hair longer. Just trust me on this.

📍Healthier eating and exercise.

📍Listen to a podcast by Jillian Turecki. She is also on YouTube and has a lot of good advice.

📍If nothing else, being single is also a blessing. It's a stewardship, but it's not a disease. You were never meant to audition for your own worth. The things I mention will help open doors if those are the confident choices you want opened, but it is by no means a requirement.

Also, the chances of meeting anyone online, such as dating apps, have a poor success rate. Sad truth of the world we live in, but it's true. Get out and get involved in things that interest you and just do you. Best of luck.😊

So well said!

Terry