This topic is about the emotional and relationship challenges faced by someone who has undergone colostomy and ileostomy surgeries. After these surgeries, the person experienced a significant change in their relationship with their spouse, who became distant and less affectionate. This situation has led to feelings of rejection and shame, and the person is seeking understanding and practical advice. Here are some insights and suggestions that might help:
1. Counseling and Professional Help
- Consider joint marriage counseling. If your spouse is unwilling, attending alone can still be beneficial.
- It might be helpful for your husband to have a medical or neurological evaluation, as changes in personality and libido at his age could indicate early dementia or depression.
- Personal counseling can help you process the changes in your life and address any feelings of depression.
2. Clarify Your Medical Facts and Supplies
- Make sure you understand the difference between a colostomy and an ileostomy to get the right information and support.
- Ensure you are using modern, well-fitting pouches to prevent leaks, which can help you feel more confident and reduce anxiety.
3. Address Intimacy and Body Image
- Have an open conversation with your spouse about how his rejection affects you and ask about his feelings or concerns.
- Sometimes, partners may unconsciously separate caregiving from sexuality. Honest discussions can help change this pattern.
- If you feel comfortable, consider using ostomy-friendly lingerie to boost your confidence and reduce any discomfort your spouse might feel.
4. Pornography and Alternate Outlets
- Understand that the use of pornography might be an escape for your spouse. The main issue is the lack of mutual intimacy, which should be addressed.
5. Possible Outcomes and Choices
- If counseling and medical evaluations do not improve the situation, it is valid to consider separation or divorce. Some people have found positive outcomes after leaving unresponsive partners.
- On the other hand, some relationships improve over time with better communication and ostomy management.
6. Self-Care and Perspective
- Focus on building your resilience. Many people with ostomies lead fulfilling romantic lives, and confidence can attract acceptance.
- Engage in daily gratitude, prayer, new hobbies, or join support groups to help rebuild your self-esteem.
7. Shared Experiences
- Others have shared stories of partners who left, those who stayed as devoted caregivers, and those whose distancing was due to undisclosed issues. This highlights that your spouse's behavior often reflects his own struggles, not your worth.
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