Abc's Wide World Of Stomas: Record-breaking Bag Toss Competition

Question

Good day everybody, I'm Jim McCay, and welcome to ABC's Wide World of Stomas. Today's competition features ostomates from all walks of life from around the globe. Joining me in the broadcast booth is defending bag toss champion and current "Mr. Rectum USA," the incomparable BeachBoy. Lots of talent out there today, BB. What's your game plan?Thanks, Jim. Competition looks especially tough. To review: Ostomates snap off their pouch, roll it up, then toss it as far as possible without seepage. Last year I became the world record holder with a toss of 18 feet 2.3 inches. Well, BeachBoy, rumors are that you cheated. Critics say you munched popcorn the day before, providing solid, heavy output, which gave you an unfair advantage. Oh no, Jim. Like a quarterback, I merely rolled the pouch into a football shape, gave it a mighty heave with stabilizing spin. Won me the gold medal.
Ace gossip columnist Flabby is down on the field. How's it looking, Flab? Thanks, Jim. I'm here with last year's silver medalist, Warrior. What cha' thinkin', W? Well, Flab, that BeachBoy pulled off an unlikely upset last year, beat me out of the gold medal by 6 inches. I've been working hard on my bag release and pouch top spin. No way I'm second best this year. Back to you, Jim.
First ostomate in the toss circle is BeachBoy. Cracks his knuckles, does some knee bends. Snaps off his Hollister, rolls, and lets it fly. Lands with a solid thud. Officials rush out with the measurement laser. Tally is 18 feet, 4 inches. A new world record. Taking a bow to the cheering crowd, BeachBoy is all smiles.
Next up is Warrior. Smiles and waves at the crowd, gives the finger to BeachBoy. Steps into the toss circle. Unsnaps his Coloplast. Gives it a slow roll up. Spins around twice and launches it in a high, perfect arc. It's closing in on BeachBoy's toss! This could be a new world record, we're witnessing history. But suddenly the Velcro closure opens, poop is ejected, flying in all directions, umpires open their umbrellas. The nearly empty bag falls 2 inches short of BB's pouch. Warrior mutters cuss words, gives BeachBoy the finger again. Head held high, marches off the field. Oh, the humanity.
Flabby catches up to Warrior for his thoughts. For a second, it looked like you would defeat your nemesis BeachBoy. Where did it all go wrong? Flab, I forgot to attach an IGGIE clamp to the closure. Centrifugal force slung the poop mass at 3 G's toward the drain, forcing it open. This caused rapid bag decompression and loss of flight dynamics. Then gravity took over. Well, Warrior... good effort. Maybe next time.
Now in the toss circle is crowd favorite, the "Thunder from Down Under," IGGIE. Inventor of the innovative bag clip of the same name. Can he beat BeachBoy? IGGIE preps his pouch, rolling and molding it into a funny-looking shape, like a large C. He rears back and slings it skyward. It spins and soars. Gets close to BeachBoy's mark, then makes a U-turn and flies back toward IGGIE! When just overhead, IGGIE slaps it with his palm, launching it back over the toss field with a faster spin. The crowd is on their feet. The pouch zips past BeachBoy's record-setting pouch, hovers for a second, and lands 1 foot away! A new world record!What a performance.
Be sure and tune in next week as ABC's Wide World of Stomas brings you the 2nd Annual Barrier Ring Toss Championships from New Jersey. Thanks for watching. This is Jim McCay saying 'G'day mate.'

Beachboy · Answer

As long as it's a ribbed condom. Cuz I'm a "touchy-feely" kinda fella... dude.
But would Madam Flabby approve? I will ping her for tactile guidance.

Beachboy · Answer

Paging Flabby... calling Flabby... texting Flabby... faxing Flabby... emailing Flabby...
Beachboy calling...

Beachboy · Answer

Beachboy?! I'm busy, getting busy. If you know what I mean. Candles are lit, perfume fills the air. My "rough rider" colostomy bag is secured, and your gal pal Flab... is ready to rumble....
So buzz off.

Beachboy · Answer

Warrior... I'm afraid Flabo is unavailable. Said she's "busy."
So the pimply, bumpy "rubber" will have to do. Good thing it features a reservoir tip... my head will slide right in. Like my grandpappy, Joe Slappy, used to say: "Stand up for yourself, boy, don't be an ass... be a prick."

rlevineia · Answer

Eat carbs & fill the pouch with thick output. You can throw it like a football. Beat Baker Mayfield's record? 70 yards.

rlevineia · Answer

Sorry for your misery. Osteomates have a hard life. Humor is the best medicine.

rlevineia · Answer

Get songs by The Supremes.

rlevineia · Answer

Tried Glad Cling Wrap, sucks! My pouch got wet in the shower.

warrior · Answer

@ rlevinela...why do you feel the need to plastic wrap your bag when showering? 
My experience told me it's a waste of time. No need to protect it from the water.
It's like showering with a wetsuit on - scuba gear.

warrior · Answer

@rlevinela.. thank you, sir.
Misery loves company.
The company here is in misery.
We get it. We bond. And yes, humor eases the pain.
Losing whatever organ you had to, for whatever disease or illness, doesn't mean you lose your sense of humor. Some folks gain a sense of it, others improve on it, others go way over the top...
If you happen to look up a topic "Cheers - Norm has left the building," it sums up this community and my point.
Carry on...

Mommad · Answer

Getting a funny mental picture. Thanks for the giggles.

ABC's Wide World of Stomas: Record-Breaking Bag Toss Competition

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