Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.
I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.
Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword -- if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
Ponderable questions from Aha Jokes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?
Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would it be FEDUP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?