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Posted by gutenberg, on Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:51 pm
  Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
  words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
testimonials of a few people who did.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say
a word. He knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
  at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
  were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of laughter.
Reply by gutenberg, on Wed Dec 23, 2009 1:23 pm
Subject: Gifts for Mama

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful

doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after
having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to
give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and
the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
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