Struggling with Guilt and Anger After Kidney Failure - Need Support

I know it has been a little while since I've posted. Everything seemed to be going well until tonight - I just about died due to kidney failure last year at this time. I'm just now realizing the severity of everything and I am a blithering, sobbing mess. I keep wanting to apologize for what happened, but it truly wasn't my fault. Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I keep seeing my cat's concerned faces as I left that evening? Why do I want to call Mom back and tell her I'm sorry for making her sad and worried about me? Why am I so angry and guilty about something I could not control?

Whelp, time to call my therapist. Good thing my ostomy support group is next week. Time for an Ambien...

And please note, Ambien is not a regular thing. Only used in times like these... which don't happen often.

Hello MassMikMouse. It is good to be able to express yourself in this way when you feel as you describe.

In scrutinising what you have said, it seems as if you are describing several emotions emerging simultaneously, which tends to be a somewhat overwhelming experience. Obviously, we need something to assist us immediately in times like these but I would urge you to consider addressing the issue of learning how to control and 'manage' emotions at times when they are not overwhelming. It may be that with practice, you can learn the techniques for avoiding the sort of situations you describe in your post. 

I hope your session with your therapist and your support group goes well!

best wishes

Bill

Thank you Bill - I am still a slightly teary mess. Went through the motions at work, but got lots of hugs and support from my co-workers. Once I got home, that's when the thinking started again. I sat outside with the tuxedo cat and watched the sun set over the Charles River. Realizing this may not be a one-night thing. I've been holding on to bunches of emotions, and it seems they are bubbling to the surface. How will I control this? By just feeling I guess. Maybe it's a good thing I work for a Big 4 accounting firm - it's busy season and there's no crying in public accounting!!! (Except when the computer systems up and snuff it on deadline day...)

M

Hello M. 

Here are some concepts that might help with starting you on the path to controlling or managing your emotions. 

Emotions are instincts; Instincts are basic energy, which we all need to survive.

Emotions are illogical;(They don't need consciuos thought to exist) therefore the counterbalance to emotions is LOGIC, which is 'THINKING' things through.

We do not necessarily need to be thinking and focussing on the 'problems' of emotions, as that can often make them seem bigger than they really are  and exaggerate their effects.

It is often more effective to THINK logically about something completely different, which acts as a distraction and allows the emotional energy to be channelled, rather than bottled up inside.  

I hope this helps in some small way

Best wishes

Bill

G'morning MassMickeyMouse sounds more like you need a nerve pill! I agree, time to call the therapist, so sorry about the kidney episode. Hopefully, they can help you, but just having an ostomy is hard. Some months are great, you must feel good about yourself, have to feed the mind. It's most powerful. You may go months, feeling great about yourself, then a bad day!! We all have them. After the episode, we stand back and say it wasn't that serious! You didn't make yourself sick, it happened, but you have to find a way to tell your mind it's okay, feed positive thoughts only!! Good luck, angelicamarie

So how are you feeling today, M? I surely am no expert, but I think dealing with your emotions will help relieve some of the stress they seem to be putting you through. Sometimes it helps when we ask ourselves questions about why we are feeling a certain way. Then we can start to get on the road to recovery. Letting go of some things is a good idea as well. Sometimes we just don't have the answers and have to make do with what little we do understand. As different as we all are, some things work well for one and not so well for another. Keep trying to work through them and I hope you come to a conclusion you can live with and move on.

Best wishes

You are not alone! I had emergency surgery on the 12th of July of this year. I was within 3 minutes of dying on the table, but the doctor and anesthesia doctor pulled me through. I think about that close call many times a day! I believe most of what you are going through is the stages of the whole situation. We all go through them at different paces. I still have not reached the acceptance stage. I cry a lot when I am alone when my husband is out doing errands or other things he does during the day. I often think if I hadn't retired early that I wouldn't have had this happen to me, but then, none of us really know what is coming down the pike for us, do we? I have decided to take all of this one day at a time and do my best not to worry about what I cannot change. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!