Ostomy and Intimacy: Debunking Misconceptions

I have had several people ask if my ostomy affects my sex life? What they are really asking is does wearing a sh!t bag turn your husband off? I guess it's normal curiosity. But I feel like telling them it's none of their business. Of course, the answer is no.

When people get too curious, sometimes I tell them that it's personal and I do not find it necessary for them to know such details. But if they are really interested, I suggest that they go online and see what they find out. Next time I see them and ask what they learned, they usually say, "Oh, I didn't look into it." So that tells me, yeah, they don't really want to know.

Hey DH, well for me it's not a significant other that I get asked, I am single...I really don't get those types of questions. However, people that dated or talked to...might ask something suggestive about the surgery if they find out or know. However, at that point I usually have built a connection or some established comfort to answer in a vague way. Kinda how I just answered this question..lol. However, I would view it as a little rude, or beyond curious. I mean if I saw someone in a wheelchair, I wouldn't ask them...Hey, uh...so..did you get injured in the lumbar, or the thoracic of the spine. I kinda wanted to know if it affects your uh ehmmm life. I would take it as rude...unless I really knew the person and they were just naturally curious. I know people like that...actually you know what, as I am typing I was kind of asked by a friend's mother. I took it as rude and beyond curious..needless to say, it didn't make me feel the best. To your last sentence, you can find a way around things if the other person knows. Sometimes I don't even tell the person and they overtime figure it out, but hardly discussed...idk maybe my personality or demeanor.

Hello DH.This sounds like a great post for some shitty,witty retorts. Here's one that immediately springs to mind. 'If a little thing like a shit-bag puts people off, then those people are probably recognising that bit of themselves as being shitbags'. Best wishes Bill.

The last post was my immediate, instinctive retort. Perhaps a more considered, and maybe more appropriate response, would be to use the technique that politicians tend to use with awkward questions. That is to answer the question with a question of your own. Here are some I thought of during the day: (1) 'Is that how 'you' would be?'; (2) 'What do 'you' think they feel?; (3)'What effect would it have on 'you?'; (4)'What sort of person would let that affect them?' As dcrazy says, it depends upon who is asking. With certain people I might choose a jokey option such as 'If it ever posed a problem I would offer to take the bag off!' or ' It's a bit like doing it with your socks on - for some it's a turn-off, for others it's a turn-on.' The point is that people who ask these sorts of questions are probably prompted by some motivation deep inside themselves which indicate that 'they' would have difficulties coming to terms with this condition. In which case perhaps they need educating into just how discriminatory and judgemental the question appears to be. Alternatively, they might simply be nosy about your love-life. In which case you have choices as to whether you tell them the truth, or make stuff up, or Point out that what goes on in your love-life is a private matter. ( I did put private 'affair'but this might give the wrong impression!) Anyway the latter is a polite way of telling them to mind their own business.Best wishes Bill.

I wish people would ask me the sex question! Guess I look too old! :D

Pinky, you made me laugh out loud with your answer xoxox

I've never been asked this, but I can understand that people would be curious! It just varies between people, I think. If your partner really loves you, they would learn to accept it. I had more problems with it than my partner! x

Hahaha!! 10 points DH

My favourite ones are: 1) when I first had my surgery, 12 years ago when I was with my ex. Is Shane still with you? ..Yes, we just got engaged....Awe, he must be a really great guy.......(to be with someone like me?) 2) ...Is that why you're still single?? No, I'm still single for the same reason you're still single!!! Dickwad. 2

Well, when I am asked about if it affects my sex life, I just tell them to get to know me and find out first hand. Lol. No one has, but at least it stopped them from asking me again. I am human and no, it hasn't affected mine, but I do feel less human sometimes.

@sngldad, I concur with how you feel sometimes.

Yeah, I know what you mean, crazy.

Just put a big band-aid and do your thing. I never had a problem, and I have had it for 12 years. I think sex is fun, but never had sex with another ostomate. I am a man and love to have sex. Feel free to email me at steventyler121@yahoo.com.

Here's another way to look at this situation. I think it takes guts or a lot of nerve to ask such a question as this. Sure, it sounds way out-of-bounds; but, why would a true friend risk asking such an obviously impertinent question? Perhaps if the friendship is genuine, it can't be just a matter of idle curiosity or amusement. Maybe it's a desire for honest and open sharing. Trust your gut instincts, but always consider the source. PB

I never tell strangers that I have an ileostomy. I'm not in the mood to explain it to them or have them look at me funny. My family knows enough not to bring up the subject.

Hi DH, I've not been on here for some time but I've just read your posting and although I didn't really get asked about the sex question by people, I had to respond because my partner went completely off me! He couldn't even look at my stoma supplies nor my books despite me trying... I had an emergency ileostomy in July 2011 which saved my life. My partner from day one said I'm going nowhere near you. (This is where I agree with Bill's response).... So I spent nearly 8 months with two stoma bags and an open wound.. until my much-needed reversal and gall bladder removal in Feb 2012 after I collapsed at home after losing two stone in weight and suffering with very low blood pressure etc. I sat my partner down many times whilst I had my stoma and asked him why he is so distant? Never got a decent response but for 'you know I love you'.... I thought things would change once my reversal was done but.. you guessed it.. he's still distant and getting worse! I feel as though I have gone through everything alone and continue to do so. We share a bed but that's it... he is inches away from me but won't come near me and continues to sit across the room from me during the day. This guy was my life, my love, very affectionate originally. Strange how people change. I'm just trying to get on with my life now awaiting a much-needed correction for my very large abdominal (incisional) hernia which was created after my last op... If I ever get a job again to be financially free then I'm out of here. Good luck with your reversal hon. It's the best thing I ever did. Let me know how your hernia correction goes. Regards, Dee xx

Wow Dee, so sorry to hear about how your partner acted. I think that is awful! I very much expected my partner to do the same as we're only 20, but he hasn't. He's been the opposite and is still as loving as he's always been. I hope everything works out well for you and you get your hernia operation done soon! I'm also waiting for another operation and it's very frustrating! x

Thanks Sophie for your comment, I wish you luck and hope things continue support-wise.... (I think the end of my post I'd mixed DH's message up with another re their hernia op etc)... I tried to get my partner involved once I was awake... I was in a coma for nearly 8 days and they were going to turn the machines off... I came through and was told he had been inconsolable but he's never shown emotions to me since then!.... My life is unbearable at the moment, can't get a job and so on... I'm now pushing for my hernia correction to be done ASAP, I can't wait any longer.... I'm so down, but I had wonderful support on here last year and I know my support will continue with my ostomates :-) My love to all. XXXX

Wow, 8 days! I was out for one day and even that scares the hell out of me when I think about it! I can't work at the moment either because I'm waiting for an op, it's very frustrating and it's like your life is on hold! Just try and stay strong, it will all be over eventually!!! x

I think I would say: You know, it's amazing how my penis still works with an ostomy.
If they say: It's not appropriate to say that.
I would say: And it's not appropriate to ask such personal questions.

Haha!! Good one!!! I'm going to use that. Only, I'll say since the surgery, I've been having 45-minute orgasms.

Love those last answers! Hahahaha. I have been very open with friends and neighbors about what happened to me. As yet no sex questions. I only got out of the hospital last June 28th after a 6-month stay and two surgeries. BUT...now I am dating a wonderful man that reacted to my news as "That's life...I'm interested in you for who you are YES!!!" (Happy dance!)

Lucky!!

Yes, yes.....some people's kids!! I got hit with those questions when my friends found out I was seeing someone who is an ostomate as well. First came the "Are you serious?" look from me... and of course, the thousand ways to answer that question go running across my mind. And as I'm pondering which answer to give them, they ramp it up a notch by saying, "Don't those bags get in the way!?" Upon hearing that comment, my left eye begins to twitch... Now, those here that know me are thinking, "Oh no!!! Here it comes!!" Buuuuttt no... I just smile and say to them, "Belts...." My friends look at me funny. "WTF? We have custom-made belts that keep our bags out of the way..." "Oh," they say. They too were waiting for some off-the-left-field wall response from me. And as we continue our conversation on a different topic, I hit 'em with it! "But of course, we don't ALWAYS have the time to put our belts on! No-no... So in the heat of passion, if those darn bags get in our way! Hell!!!.. We just pull 'em off, stick 'em on the wall till we are done!! Yes, fool!! Ostomates can get their freak on just like you normal people!! **sigh** Lol and you thought I wasn't going there.....please!!!

Hello DH. Good post! The more one thinks about the question the more answers spring to mind. How about-'An ostomy bag can be likened to other people's baggage; The more shit it contains the off-putting it might be!' Best wishes. Bill

Hello DH.This is such a great concept I couldn't resist having a stab at a pertinent verse. Thanks for the stimulation and motivation that this post provides. (See separate blog)Best wishesBill

If sex with the bag is a pain...............then you are doing it wrong. Heh, heh.

I've run into a few people who said they'd rather be dead than have to go through life like that and I just love to give them the line if they ever have trouble like us just make sure you give it a little thought. We've gone through a lot of shit to stay alive and if life means so little to you, go for it. Mind you I'm leaving out a lot of foul language here but I'm sure you all get the point, Ed

Well Ed, when they say they would rather be dead.....just say...that is exactly what you would be. I chose life! That oughta give them food for thought. Lisbett