Dating After Divorce: Coping with a Stoma

My wife recently ended our marriage because she couldn't cope with my stoma.

Sorry to hear that. What did she object to?

She couldn't handle that I was the center of attention and it wasn't on her anymore.

She must really need attention if she was willing to get jealous over poop coming out of your stomach. 🤷‍♂️ Oh well, when one door closes, another one opens. Happy hunting (I mean dating 🤭).

So sorry, Malcolm, that's awful!

You'll make lots of non-judgmental friends on this site.

Moving forward, keep in mind that she didn't leave you because you have a stoma, which does not define you; she left because she's insecure.

My Ostomy Journey: Ryan | Hollister

How long were you married to this woman? Could there be any other reason she left?

It's interesting to note that the person with the stoma usually ends the relationship.

Having a bag contributed to my divorce. I couldn't handle having the stoma and dealing with married life. I would have made her life a living hell.

You are still young enough to find a person who understands whether it's a woman with a bag or not. Keep your chin up.

Like Alex said, one door closes, another opens. And Kas said, don't let it define you.

All good advice. We have been there and learned from it.

Hmmmmmm. Having an ostomy does get attention..... just not the right kind. I've been married 37 years. There is no way my wife would divorce me over a health matter. Every day when we wake up, she puts her hand on mine and thanks God I didn't perish on the operating table.

Did you have a happy marriage?

I reckon the Stoma did you a favor. Regards, IGGIE

These things are sent to try us. Give yourself however long you need to get over your relationship break and learn to live with and accept your stoma. If surgery was recent, then the world is your oyster. A stoma won't be a problem in any new relationships, be it a one-night stand or longer.

Welcome to Site Malcolm

Hold your own self-esteem - following surgery, you will need time to accept, and life will progress..... A positive attitude is essential..... and self-help is the most reliable route to success - time is a great healer.

I, along with many onsite, wish you well with your future - for tomorrow is your future and another day....

Good luck - best foot forward - we are all here to help....

Tomorrow is what you make of it - for it is the first day of the rest of your life

Happy thoughts

BW

~ ~ ~ ~ waves ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jayne

If she left due to your stoma, then you have to ask yourself... would you really want someone like that anyhow? It's supposed to be for better or for worse. Karma's a bitch, though, and one day she may have to deal with something.

I find it quite disturbing that there are so many people who treat people with stomas badly or even bully them. I'm learning this as I go along. It's very sad, but it's only a stoma; we are not bothering anyone. They use a toilet, and we have a closed bag that we can empty. I will never figure out why that bothers some people so much.

My husband and I just split up over him not being able to deal with me having health issues and him being emotionally abusive to me over them, as if I can control it. This is the second time I've left him over this. It was not my ostomy but my other health issues. I've been dealing with getting over scurvy. He could not handle it. It's sad that our spouses can do this. It's like after all the years, you find out how cruel they can actually be and realize we never even knew them at all.

Like Igge says above... she did you a favor.

You're better off without someone like that.

God has bigger and better plans for us. A blessing will come to us. Keep your head up. There is lots of support for you here in the forum. Welcome!

Having also just gone through a divorce, I highly recommend putting on John Prine's "Everything is Cool" and spending some time by yourself. Find yourself again and take stock of what you have going on in life.

Good luck, brother.

I agree with Iggie; your wife did you a favor.

Terry

Exactly.

Why do we always need to be tried? Will it make us better people? I am not so sure. When I got married 64 years ago and stayed with the same man, my children and I did not see much of him. Now that we are old, both of us are more or less dependent on 2 of our children—he more so than I, but I could do without another trial.

While I am a strong believer in the Christian religion, I know that I was (erroneously) taught to believe that the more God loves you, the more trials He sends your way. With what the world has always been like, but here at home, has become, don't you wish that those fouling their own nest would receive some punishment that can actually be seen and not promised in the future?

MalcolmPhillips129, my sincere condolences. Whatever the reason, I know it hurts.

Faith is tough. Difficult for me. With common decency under increasing assault every day, I'd like to see some pushback, now... in real time. Witness the recent Paris Olympics opening ceremony. Di Vinci's "Last Supper" turned into a travesty. And later, a self-proclaimed America hater was allowed to carry the American flag. I will not watch one second of this, or any other Olympics ever.

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't watch much of it, but I pay no attention to that ridiculous stuff like you describe. Some of the athletes are truly amazing to watch.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Divorce is not easy, but you will be better off in the long run by yourself than with someone who is so self-involved.

My wife and I will be married 37 years in September. I spent 3 months in the hospital and a couple of stints in rehab. During this time, I learned a lot about managing my stoma. The wound specialist and each nurse had a different approach. My wife was there to observe many of the different approaches as well as learn the whys. The ostomy specialist would schedule time so she could observe how my stoma was managed. I was adamant that I would be solely responsible for managing my stoma — it was important that she understood what was involved. My burden was never her burden, but her love made my journey easier. I think many times people are released from the hospital without understanding how to manage their stomas, and this can be overwhelming and place undue stress on the relationship. It is easy for us to realize the burden we have, but we often overlook how our spouse is affected. Focusing all our attention on stoma management and not enough attention on relationship management is a recipe for unhappiness.