Hi everyone ,
nbsp; I know this is an old post on a very serious and problematic aspect of having an Ostomy ....any physical nbsp; "correction" which involves shit or urine or nasty bodily fluids possibly coming into contact with a Loved one or even a Not so loved one . Some people must depend on another person to remove a shitty bag or clean up after a burst shitty bag dumps your shit all over a bed , a floor or on top of the Loved One while having sex or fooling around . This is now a fact of our lives , nothing is going to change it !! My Brother often mentions to me how amazing medicine is becoming and a person may soon be able to have a custom made Colon ( etc, etc ..) nbsp; grown for them in a lab . This will not help those with an Immune disorder which will attack the new Colon , just as it attacked the old one. Your body has to accept it as Your body part. I could sarcastically answer him with ..." that's not going to help me .." nbsp; but what I say is by that point stem cell research and Gene Therapy will be able to fix this Immune system problem a well , the glass is half full , not half empty !! The pain and suffering we go through are the foundations upon which future medical breakthroughs are built. I was one of the first people to have a nbsp; " J Pouch " constructed in Walnut Creek California in the mid 80's . It worked well for a number of years and I should have had it removed or disconnected as soon as Pouchitis first developed . Instead I stuck with it for many years and was told that it could get better , then it was " my own fault " nbsp; that it was not working , blaming the victim you might say . My bad experiences paved the way for many developments since then . The bags were really crap in those days , a plastic clip held it closed at the bottom. That clip broke many times and dumped a whole bag of liquid shit down my leg more times than I care to remember. Bags and Wafers , adhesives and closures are so much better now . All these improvements were built on the pain and suffering of earlier Ostomates . nbsp
nbsp; "Past Member " wrote that some things are worse than death and I must agree that in some scenarios that is true , just my personal opinion . Being in a " Locked In " condition , you know and see what's happening but cannot move or speak, just move your eyes , now that would be a fate worse than death ( for me ) . Worse than death is in the eye of the beholder . For a long time I woke up every morning , looked in the mirror and asked .." why couldn't I just have died , my heart stopped , I was unconscious for a couple of weeks and nobody knew if I would ever wake up or if my mind would be in tact when I did wake up , they should just have let me die . I really believed that and was miserable for a very long time . I thought about helping things along and killing myself many times. Then I thought , you can kill yourself at any old time but right at that moment life was preferable but still left that option on the table. Choosing to live is a decision that can be changed , choosing to Die is a decision that Cannot be changed , when it's done it's done. nbsp
nbsp; I should write a log just about this experience in detail but I will give you the abbreviated version right now . As I rode my bike across the Golden Gate Bridge one morning about 7 AM going for my morning bike ride , a beautiful, perfect San Francisco early Fall day , no fog , perfect blue skies , beautiful views from the bridge of the city that I love I had a rare and life changing nbsp; encounter . As I biked around the North tower I screeched to a halt , literally ( I'm fast on the bike !! ) . There was a person with long blonde hair standing on the painters platform ( like a small train track ) on the SF side of the bridge . Her long blonde hair was blowing straight up with the updraft at the tower . She held on with one hand and her feet were on the outer track , next step was the rushing very cold water current flowing out to the Pacific , almost a 250 foot drop from rail to water . I stopped beside her , I could reach out and touch her she was that close . She wore a long cloth coat which blew in the wind like her hair . AT first I didn't believe my own mind which told me she was going to jump so I said , that's a pretty dangerous place to get the best view of the city , maybe you should come back in here , take my hand I'll help you down . She just turned her head slightly , not enough to get a full view of her face as her long hair whipped up and down and around her face . I could have grabbed the long coat but , what if she was just messing and not really intending to jump ??? nbsp; she could slip out of her coat and fall if I grabbed it . I had something less than ten minutes to talk her down . A lady jogging on the bridge ( just one person , the bridge was empty , just cars whizzing by ) stopped and I told her to get the bridge patrol and I would keep an eye on the Blonde lady on the rail. nbsp
nbsp; The Coast Guard Station is on the beach very near the bridge and soon I could see them scrambling with their gear , hopping into the ver fast nbsp; rescue boat . Then I looked up and the lady had let go nbsp; of the rail with both hands . She held her arms out at full stretch and looked straight ahead at the postcard perfect view of Alcatraz , the white beach of Crissy Field , the beautiful woodland of the Presidio , Angel Island in the middle of the Bay . She stood there for maybe a minute or two , just standing being buffeted by the updraft of cool morning air . This was the quintissential San Francisco Fall morning , so perfect, so beautiful , the reason so many people come here and never want to leave . nbsp
nbsp; She turned her face to the cloudless blue sky as she lifted her two feet simultaneously off the narrow rail and leapt out from the rail . She was looking straight up as her body cleared the track and she was on her back , coat fluttering in the wind , her hair flying up and whipping around her head . My first thought was that the big coat might act as a parachute and break her fall a little . My next thought was how quietly she seemed to drift off the bridge , she made no sound , no scream , no arms flailing , no hands grasping for salvation , trying to take back her decision to jump . She was totally silent and seemed to be resigned to her fate , to the fate she had chosen for herself , resigned to the fact that she was just about to die . It felt like forever , her fall , seemed like slow motion , so much was going through my mind as she got smaller and smaller , as she came closer to her death . I think I thought , she is alive right now , right this minute but I know and she knows that she will be dead , just a bag of dead bones inside a dead cold skin in less than 30 seconds but it felt like 30 minutes . I wondered what she might be thinking as she floated through the air , she apparently didn't regret doing it ?? nbsp; was she talking to her God , asking to be forgiven for not wanting the life that her God gave her , for wanting to give her life back , was she just Defective and had to be sent back to the Baby ( life ) nbsp; producing " factory " . Did she feel guilt at giving back her gift of life ??? I had time in those seconds to think of all kinds of things between her jumping and the moment she hit the waves , I wondered what she was thinking , maybe nothing at all, maybe thankful that her troubles were nbsp; now over , her pain and mental anguish would stop as soon as her body hit the water , water that is as hard as concrete when falling into it at that speed . Water that scrambles your insides like scrambling an egg , smashes your brain into your skull , like hitting a wall at 80 miles an hour without an airbag . nbsp
nbsp; Just as I saw the huge splash of white water fly up in a circle around her body nbsp; the Coast Guard was almost there . They must have seen her from their station to have launched the rescue boat so quickly . nbsp; She was quickly being pulled out under bridge by the very fast current that flows when the tide is going out . The Coast Guard boat circled and cut her off as they quickly scooped her body out of the fast flowing nbsp; current and zoomed off to the beach . Letterman hospital ( Military and no longer there ) was right there , just off the beach so they probably took her ther , maybe two minutes from the beach .
nbsp; I walked my bike back over the bridge to the bridge police offices. The officer's response was ...." Another one , Here you go , just fill out this incident statement and someone may be in touch , have a nice day ." nbsp; ( paraphrasing but close to verbatim ).
nbsp; nbspThe next day the California Highway Patrol called me at home and verified that I had witnessed the insident and there was nobody else involved , etc . He was much nbsp; nicer than the Bridge Police ( CHP are very courteous ) and heard my concern and trauma from what I had seen. nbsp; He said the woman had lived through the night but had succumbed to her injuries that morning . He said that when people fall, as she did , on their back there is little chance of surviving . When people manage to land feet first there is better than a slim chance of surviving with broken limbs , she didn't have much of a chance . He said her insides were all smashed up . nbsp; She had tried to kill herself before , he said there had been at least one other incident . nbsp
nbsp; nbspThat was the day I realized that as they say , " where there is life there is hope ", when life is gone there can be NO hope , it's done and cannot be undone . Most of our life problems , mistakes , most of our fuck ups ( sorry , I'm Irish , the F word is just punctuation for Irish and English people !!! ) , most of the problems we create for ourselves or those nbsp; that are heaped on our shoulders without our participation or consent ...most of them can be fixed if given enough time . During that time we may be humiliated or fearful , stressed and depressed , sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say !! nbsp; None of those things, those feelings , those disappointments , the things you believe you will never get over , the failures whether personal or business ...none of them last as long as Being Dead !!! nbsp; If that lady had received counselling , or drug treatment or some other intervention she might be alive today , with children or grandchildren . nbsp; nbsp
nbsp; I have had many setbacks and failures , lost dreams and lost hopes and a lot of lost time when I felt so sorry for myself . When I felt that my pain was MINE , not yours , not the Other person with an Ostomy , sure they have their pain and suffering but that is Their burden , I have my own personal, unique burden , I am not built like them so my pain is different , unique to me so don't try to demonize me or make me feel guiolty about complaining about my pain . You deal with yours as you see fit and I will deal with my own as I see fit and right now I feel like my life has been stolen from me , my future is gone , I can Not and never will be loved for ME , how could anyone want or love ME , I'm a wreck physically and a bit or a wreck emotionally , who could want that , who would want to share that nbsp; ??
nbsp; I felt like that for quite a long time . I had my Vicoden to slow my output ( nbsp; from my nbsp; J-Pouch ) , to stop me crying from the intractible pain in my ass caused by burning , scorching stomach acid . My paim was unlike anyone else's pain , my pain was different and I was very , very angry about this . Then I discovered that a few glasses of wine after the Vicoden was even better , I could actually eat without crying with pain in the bathroom as I shit lightning bolts and broken glass out my ass . This was not all the time but way too often to allow me to feel and be " Normal " . nbsp
nbsp; Fast forward ......
nbsp; I looked at dating sites for Ostomates and was going to try and create one ( never got around to it lol ) nbsp; . I wrote to lots of women and made some great long distance friends with whom I could share my fears , loves , hates and just general life stuff. nbsp
nbsp; Then one day , out of the blue I hit the Jacpot , my ship finally came in and I had a personal invitation to climb aboard ....I found my other half, my Soulmate , my Lover and my Best Friend . nbsp
This is way too long . I will save this as a Blog after I put it out here . nbsp; Have a look at my Blogs , If you feel interested and I LOVE to get comments . Everything I write is honest and true for good or bad and from my own personal experience . nbsp
All the best to everyone . I hope the future has been good to you since you wrote about your misery as an Ostomate , I hope you found your life and you are living it .
Eamon, nbsp;  aka nbsp; Magoo XOXO