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I Get Tired

Posted by Bill

I GET TIRED.

My chronic illness makes me tired
and so it’s hard to get inspired.
So what I choose to do instead
is think that I should stay in bed.

But laying there I am inclined
to get more tired in my mind.
Then as that tiredness is built
I start to feel a twang of guilt.

To myself I chide and scoff
there must be people much worse off.
Just look around and you will see
there’s many people worse than me.

But then my mind will once again
focus on my chronic pain.
And whilst I may have empathy
my instinct is to apathy.

Because I do not want to shirk
I’ll force myself to do some work.
That’s in the hope that I’ll get tired
in ways that might be still admired.

So up I get and off I go
and smile, so people will not know
that all that time, way deep inside
my true feelings I will hide.

Because my feelings are repressed
I will tend to get depressed.
But still my duties I’ll fulfil
though I know it makes me ill.

But I get tired of it all
chronic illness, big and small.
And sometimes when it gets too rough
I simply feel I’ve had enough.

B. Withers 2012

See all blogs by Bill
Comments:
Jan 08, 2013
garfish : as in catch 22 i want to live forever or die trying
Jan 08, 2013
Bill : Hello garfish.. Great sentiment eloquently voiced. --One of those I wish I had said that quips. Best wishes Bill
Jan 09, 2013
jenepooh : Lovely work. There are days I feel that way, too. (hugs)
Jan 09, 2013
Bill : Hello jenepoo.Thanks for your post. It's it's good to know that there are people who have had similar experiences. Also Many thanks for the hugs as this little word and its huge sentiment has spurred me to som more verses.I'll share the first 2 verses here and post the rest in my blog when its finished. A HUG. A hug came in my mail today and caught me unawares. I thought it was a wondrous way to show that someone cares. Very many things I write yet not one hug I've sent. Even though I think it might be what I really meant. Best wishes Bill
Jan 09, 2013
Bill : Hello Primeboy, Thanks for your post which was most insightful. Of course I resemble the remarks to some extent as probably most people would. However, I'm not sure how 'false' it is to struggle in this way. For my part, I swapped painting for poetry partly because I felt that the paintings were too often misinterpreted to an unacceptable degree.Best wishes Bill
Jan 10, 2013
Bill : Hello Primeboy. Thank you for your email.(presumably sent by the administrators who have now deleted the original post). Unfortunately I am not a full member so I cannot send private messages. Thus, I will post my reply here. This will also enable whoever sent the post to be privvy to my reply.I can see how you would think that it would be useful to know that the the post was not from yourself and it is, of course, important for me to know that as well, so it is much appreciated that you have contacted me in this way.I am at present writing a book, with the working title of 'making sense'. This has enabled me to contemplate and document my perspectives on what other people think of me as well as what I think for myself. My deliberations have led me to believe that there is perhaps no one that is more critical of me than I am of myself. One of the chapters in this upcoming book is entitled 'paradoxes and contrasts'. It explains how most of my life and(various) work has been viewed from polarised perspectives. Critics tend to either either love it or hate it. I am well used to recieving comments of the latter type that also carry a somewhat caustic personalised critique. Therefore, when such remarks are made I am not emotionally affected by them in the same way that other people might be. I also believe that people will often hate (or dislike) those personal attributes of others that come closest to the things that they hate about themselves. If this be the case then they surely need empathy rather than a caustic response. (as jenepooh has illustrated so well - perhaps they need a 'hug'.)Best wishes Bill
Jan 10, 2013
Bill : Hello Ambies, Thanks for the post. It is good to know that when I'm in that sort of contemplative mood, there will be someone on hear that might listen to my less than positive murmurings and understand from whence they came. Best wishes Bill
Jan 11, 2013
jenepooh : Awww Bill, that's so sweet! I do love your poems. -Jen
Jan 13, 2013
Bill : Thank you jen. It's difficult to describe the warm feelings that it generates when someone indicates that they appreciate the verses. This is especially so when the verses are portraying the not so pleasant things in life. Best wishes Bill
Jan 13, 2013
Rio : I have been feeling as you say Tired, I guesse I call it Depressed. However, I can relate and want to thank you, a perfect stranger, for placing those words so beautifully, and thoughtfully to paper. Sometimes it helps just to know we are not so alone as we may feel at times. I loved your poem and think it is worth publishing . Please buy yourself a journal and write. I believe you have more to say and I would love to read more of it. You seem to have a gift. Sincerly Rio
Jan 14, 2013
Bill : Hello Rio. Thank you so much for your post and for your appreciation of the verse. As you rightly say, it helps to know that we are not alone with our feelings. Without feedback such as yours I would write the verses and still feel alone with the feelings. With regard to writing more: This type of versification requires a certain sort of motivation and inspiration. Sometimes this comes directly from my own experiences and sometimes it emanates from what other people say or do. I try to write regularly but I have to find the subject matter first. All the verses relating to ostomies so far, will be published in March 2013 in a booklet entitled 'MY OSTOMY WORLD'. I was hoping that one of the companies providing our supplies might take it on and distribute it for free -(as I am not interested in making money out of it!) However,there has been no interest thus far. Another option would be to compile an 'ebook' if I had the technology skills (which I haven't)so , if you really want to read more I would suggest that you scroll down all the past blogs on this site and search for them on the dates that they were written. PS: As with all publications my previous publications are all available for loan through the British holding libraries. Best wishes Bill
Jan 14, 2013
lulu1313 : GREAT POEM BILL IT IS JUST HOW I FEEL I SAY TO MYSELF YOU CANT BE THAT TIRED JUST BEING ALIVE TIRES ME OUT HOWEVER THE GIULT GETS TO YOU SO YOU GET UP AND SLOG THRU ANOTHER DAY AND SIGH IN RELIEF WHEN YOU CAN CRAWL BACK INTO BED
Jan 15, 2013
Bill : hello lulu1313. Thanks for sharing through your post. It is not a good position to be in but it is somehow useful to know that someone else understands what we are going through. I have recently written a little more on mimi's forum about my own tiredness so I will copy that here as it saeems pertinent:-- Hello Mimi. Welcome to the site and I hope you are able to get some useful information from it. I can relate only too well to a lack of energy but I do no think mine has anything to do with the ostomy as I have had it on and off all my life. When I first went into hospital for an operation I was told that my blood pressure was very low - apparently this can cause tiredness. This was a great relief to me as I now had an explanation for one type of tiredness. However, I had also identified that I 'suffered' with different types of tiredness of which the low blood pressure was just one. Another was when I was feeling low in mood and lacked motivation. (psychological) Yet another was when a very sudden and overwhelming fatigue would come over me and I would be unable to continue doing anything. I would literally collapse in a heap and simply wait until the feeling passed. I never did get to the bottom of this but as it only comes on spasmodically I don't concern myself too much with it. Of course, I was extremely tired for a while after surgery but this was to be expected especially as I lost weight that I could ill-afford to lose and was not eating properly. Another type of tiredness comes about when dealing with the worst type of bureacracy and other forms of needless idiocy. I would label that as being 'sick and tired' of something specific. This next form of tiredness seems somewhat counter-intuitive but I also get tired when I am doing nothing or I have nothing to do.-- The 'best' type of tiredness for me is when I have been working long and hard and there is an obvious reason for being tired.-- I often tell myself that if I'm going to be tired, I might just as well be tired in such a way that it has some other satisfaction for me. Thus, I am generally percieved as someone who is always 'doing-something'. Other people do not have the insight into the reasons beind this 'active' facade, so for me tiredness has similar characteristics to being an ostomate. We have a condition that generally is not visible to other people and, unless we choose to share our experiences, others are unaware of the baggage we have to carry just in order to get by from day to day. I tried to capture some of these concepts in the verses on 'coping with chronic illness'. This may not be helpful to you in a practical way but it was useful for me to be able to share it with someone in this way. Best wishes Bill
Jan 15, 2013
lulu1313 : Bill Thanks so much for takeing the time to reply i feel i should be better than i am so it helps to know that others get down also i am crippeled from antlbiotics given to me when i first got crohns so i dont do well in the snow and ice as a result dont get out much in the winter plus lack of sun excuses excuses anyhow thanks again made my day!!!
Jan 24, 2013
Orange72 : I love your poem! As soon as I read I Get Tired i felt related, I am on Lucrin shots (3 months dosis/every month) and I feel so tired all the time. Never had the feeling before of just wanting to fall sleep or not being able to wake up in the mornings.Being tired all the time and still not able to cope very well with my 9 month old colostmy makes me feel I had enough.But then I feel better and I just started running again!!! =)
Jan 25, 2013
Bill : Hello Orange 72. Thank you so much for your feedback on the poem. It's comments such as these that motivate me to get up in the mornings and put pen to paper. I used to be so tired all the time but having tried all sorts of 'remedies' I think the most powerful of these is to have something to look forward to and something to 'do' that seems worthwhile. I have a range of such activities so that I don't get bored or bogged down with any one of them. Many people on this site emphasise the notion of positivity. I would wholeheartedly agree with this as the more I 'practice' positivity, the better I become at it. What makes me feel most tired is 'doing nothing' and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. In 2011 I posted a couple of poems trying to grasp the concept of doing nothing. Interestingly the writing of the rhyming verse was actually a way of overcoming the urge to do nothing.I hope you can keep up and running and find new and interesting places to go.Best wishes Bill
Jan 28, 2013
hometown : Great comment Bill, can't you find one about the plunger lol
Jan 28, 2013
hometown : Great as always Bill now i am looking for one with the plunger, who has been nothing but a free loading bag
Jan 28, 2013
Bill : Hello Hometown, I did not quite grasp what the 'plunger' concept was until I read your post in the forum. I think it is a great graphical description so, if i get a bit of time in the next few days, I'll give it some thought and see what I can come up with.Best wishesBill
Feb 01, 2013
Orange72 : Today I am happy tired as I was able to run 4 kilometers running!!
Feb 01, 2013
Orange72 : And I ran running! just realized!! =)
Feb 02, 2013
Firecracker : Love the poem Bill! That's me everyday plus the worrying about my illness.
Feb 07, 2013
Bill : Hello Orange72, I'm glad for you that you can run that far. My own running days are long-since gone but I really enjoyed it whilst it lasted.Best wishesBill
Feb 07, 2013
Bill : Firecgracker - Thanks for the feedback on the verse. The trouble with 'worry' is that it rarely does anything to make things any better and often makes things worse. That's what I like about writing rhymes. What would be worse gets locked in verse.


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