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Is it just me?

Past Member
Posted by Past Member, on Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:26 am
Okay, I'm going to put myself out there with this one. I really miss sex. I know I'm married, but sex with my wife and I has gone the way of the dinosaur. It very rarely happens, I mean I can count on one hand how many times in a year..... I can't help but think it is the ostomy. Every time I try to talk about it, I get the "nothing's wrong" answer, yet nothing changes. I admit that we never had a wild sex life, but since 2005, not so much. I even work out on a regular basis to try to give her something to look at besides my ostomy. Did that sound right? I hope it didn't come out the wrong way. I miss the intimacy and being close and everything that goes with it, emotionally and physically. It just kind of makes me feel like damaged goods.

Does anyone else have problems getting their parteners intimate or in the mood since their ostomy surgery? Or is it just me????


Paul
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Mar 15, 2009 11:18 am
well some people react differently to this situation. its quite possible that she might fear that sex could harm you..you know mashing that area or something simular. you need to talk about it and reassure her that you are still capable. in my opinion sex for a young man like yourself less than once weekly will only lead to problems. i`m 51 and can tell you that your drive will diminish  some by my age but it will never go away. so better talk about it and see whats up. good luck
Reply by tarababy, on Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:45 pm
Hi Elsie and Mr G...well I can say that while I have been an ostomate...all 5 yrs of it...I have seen a few relationships go that way and it never ceases to amaze me.Thought if you loved someone..it didnt matter that they got someting extra and you didnt.LoL! Ok,  sorry I know its no laughing matter...For obvious reasons...like hurting you ....I can understand that.But after the healing is over...the Ostomate needs that closeness to let THEM know all is still ok too.Well, I know thats what I was looking for,so can imagine what its like for a couple.I was happily single when I got this.Never had much trouble attracting the opposite sex...but I did  in the beginning--till I fixed my head .Found rejection doesnt help with the healing at all either.Now!!! Let me say this....if its not working out...for whoever, for whatever reason, then one has grown up and the other is stagnant...I have seen them move on and in the end...a few have found the one that wants them in every way,the others were happy to be  who they are and stayed single and doing the rounds..So, hang in there...you can fix it....but only if the other one wants to as well..Do what others do,see this as a new and exciting chapter of your life and just get out there and make yourself happy,however you do it.Make sense? Hope so....Good luck ...Tara
Reply by lottagelady, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:02 am
                                 
elzie wrote:
Okay, I'm going to put myself out there with this one. I really miss sex. I know I'm married, but sex with my wife and I has gone the way of the dinosaur. It very rarely happens, I mean I can count on one hand how many times in a year..... I can't help but think it is the ostomy. Every time I try to talk about it, I get the "nothing's wrong" answer, yet nothing changes. I admit that we never had a wild sex life, but since 2005, not so much. I even work out on a regular basis to try to give her something to look at besides my ostomy. Did that sound right? I hope it didn't come out the wrong way. I miss the intimacy and being close and everything that goes with it, emotionally and physically. It just kind of makes me feel like damaged goods.

Does anyone else have problems getting their parteners intimate or in the mood since their ostomy surgery? Or is it just me????


Paul


Hi Paul - I had a similar problem with my ex partner who despite staying with me through all my surgery (until recently when I threw him out for other reasons) didn't come near me intimately - about 4 times in 4 years .... I really missed the affection, never mind the sex, but I think that he found that all the surgery I had had was quite a mountain to climb.... I had had surgery to the nether regions, an ileostomy and a huge hernia - have to wear a huge unsightly corset in order to walk! Altered body image and self esteem/depression  problems by the bucketful, so I'm sure that didn't help the situation either!

I'm aware that this is not the same scenario, but I have now found a new relationship with someone who accepts me for who I am underneath all the medical appliances and drugs that I take, and has given me a new lease of life. (See my post in the 'dating' section)

I wish you all the best in trying to sort it out,

Rachel x
Reply by softncuddly, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 6:01 am
Hi Paul, have you ever tried the really small pouches (they look like a cap) for sex. My ET nurse kindly referred to them as the "sex bag", she said that if you/your partner is uncomfortable with the swinging pouch to try them. They are only good for the duration, as most of us don't have a "movement" during this time unless you are having an extremely high output day.  If I remember right she said they will hold about 2-4 ounces of liquid, so if you are having a good day you might want to try them, instead of a pouch it just looks like you have a round band-aid on your side.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:16 pm
Thank you all for the input! I would also like to thank those of you who mailed me instead of posting.  I guess I have some things to think through and sort out.......
Reply by weewee, on Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:54 am
hello all
yes i find it hard for the other gender to look past the hole bag thing and how  you look where i live is a small town in podunk montana and you would think you might find an osty here lol looks like i have better luck winning the lotto you name it i have been running into it then told to look on the positive side what happens so if there is an osty close buy that is having the same issues would like to here from ya also dont be scared cause there are lots of ostomates out there
Reply by jaidre, on Thu Mar 19, 2009 9:33 am
hi, sorry you are having problems. everyone yearns to be loved. you are not alone. have you tried seducing her? maybe try something new....a drive in the dark...go to a secluded spot with a blanket?...... or  light scented candles in the bathroom and draw her a bubble bath, and offer  her a foot rub, then a full body rub with those tingly, warming massage oils? a glass of wine would go nicely with either of these......... maybe, at first you should not try for sex.....maybe just intimacy....maybe cuddling...touching, carressing, tickling? maybe you could say...you look like you would enjoy a foot rub tonight....keep it casual...until she begins wanting a little bit more each time....who knows? i wish you the best of luck : )
Reply by sweede, on Thu Mar 19, 2009 12:38 pm
Hey all, my situation is similar to Weewee's, living in a tiny village in the Highlands of Scotland there is also not much in the way of osto-totty, pretty much zilch infact, unless there is some secret osto-sect kicking around these fair mountains that i'm unaware of, but i doubt that lol.

When i was diagnosed with cancer, i was given less than 6 months to live, so i in turn unromanticly dumped my very romantic Italian girlfriend. Basicly i didn't want her to have to go through all the palarva of me dying. To me it seemed perfectly rational, i had just broken my neck and back, was in a wheel chair and had been given less than 6 months to live. Unfortunatly she didn't have a say in the matter, i'm still alive and i still kick myself, Doh!!!

Since my operations i have had a couple of relationships and none of them progressed any further than a few weeks. Mainly due to the fact that they didn't have an ostomy/internal pouch.  I mean both girls were really nice girls and aware of my ostomies, and as far as i'm aware never really bothered them, but it bothered me. In so many different ways.

It bothered me that my toilet needs would be the first thing that pops into my mind, every waking second, what if i leak in bed, smells in the toilet, little things like that, things that is constantly on my mind and would never in a million years would be on hers. Also having to stick a needle in my p***k every time i wanted sex just made it a little more hassle than it's worth.

In the end i gave both girls the "it's not you, it's me" talk. Damn i'm 35 years old, you'd think the need to have those kinda converstions were long gone. So yeh, life's a *** and then you live in the highlands lol. There is sooo not any osto-totty here. It's not that i am that concerened about how i look naked, or any other real hangups about living with an ostomy, i don't. It's just that i would rather share my life with some one thats on the same wave legnth.

Am i being ostoist ?.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:40 pm
By the way the guy from the Highlands you have a great attitude to life your an isperation..good work
Reply by sweede, on Tue Mar 24, 2009 5:42 am
Nice one, the guy from leeds lol, I'm steve by the way, nice to meet you.
Reply by panhead511, on Tue May 19, 2009 3:29 am
Since I got my colostomy in 08 I have found that sex isnt the way it was before I had it.I have been with my wife for about 19 years and it wasn't to bad then. I really don't know what happened but it has not been intimate for ayear and a half. We discuss my problem all the time and she always tells me there is nothing wrong, but I know better. We both need intimacy in our life but it rarely happens. I believe that not only the bag is a problem but maybe there is more to the picture that I am not aware of. I can tell that she really isn;t interrested in having sex with me. Sometimes I feel alone and isolated and I dont want to feel that way anymore. So I do sympathize with you. Maybe it will be better but I don't see it in the near future. I hope that your luck will change....
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sat Jun 27, 2009 8:16 pm
Oh I so completely understand what you are going through.  I'm not married but just ended a seven year relationship that was a shipwreck to begin with....but it seems my body cannot compare to the unbutchered ladies out there (which is true) and sex with me did not seem to turn his crank anymore.  Everyone needs that physical closeness and touch...we all have those desires and needs that must be met.  I do hope things are better for you at this point in time....if not, I do hope you challenge the problem with your wife, seek counseling or whatever you must...because you should not continue to live without that basic human need and requirement.  Good luck my friend. Smile
Reply by RobertG, on Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:51 am
                                 
mild_mannered_super_hero wrote:

in my opinion sex for a young man like yourself less than once weekly will only lead to problems.


So, I must be dead, then....  I don't remember sex....  How long does one have to go before they qualify as a virgin again?  20 years?  I've got that beat....
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:01 am
It's amazing isn't it how such a small area on our body can make such a huge difference to some people when it comes to sex or self image.  I mean, I've always hid my ostomy well during 'close times' but not everyone choses to hide it at all.  Depends on your own attitude and the attitude of your partner.  Gosh, like I've always said, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my mate had an ostomy...I would feel bad that he has one but as far as sex is concerned, those close times wouldn't trouble me the tiniest....in fact, sounds strange but it would make me love him all the more because I would fully understand what he is going through physically and psychologically and therefore, hopefully, I could cater to his emotional needs more effectively.

I miss that loving intimacy and snuggling up to someone at night ...even if they grumble at me for putting my cold feet on their legs LOL  ... I think it's something everyone needs .... not the cold feet part lol .... but that human closeness and touch.  No one should ever be without it.  Personally, I sure don't want to grow old alone but not much will change unless I can bring myself out of hiding a bit more.  Don't do what I do my sweet friends, don't become a recluse because of fear of intimacy or broken hearts.  I can talk the talk ...just can't seem to walk the walk.   Get out there and find someone....and be happy!! SmileSmileSmileSmile   Hugs to all!
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