Dating with an Ileostomy: When and How to Tell Potential Partners?

Thanks!

The topic of dating and having a stoma bag or two bags is something that will always be addressed on this website and never put to rest. You have to get your foot inside the door first. Sell yourself.

I honestly believe this presently has to do with chemistry, not bags, and confidence.

I wrote a thread which has over 1,500 viewers at the moment using my own experience to try to get out there and date... unsuccessfully, I might add. And guess what? It's not because of having this bag. Nope.

In general, dating is a problem because people nowadays have certain "criteria" they want met.

They don't want to waste a lot of time and if you meet this laundry list of criteria, you might have a chance at a first date or meet and greet (M&G).

If you don't have what they want, they won't invest the time despite your best efforts, bag or no bag.

Something called chemistry seems to be a factor whereas back in the day it was attraction.

I still hold attraction above all else. Chemistry develops afterwards.

Some will agree on this. Some won't.

The important thing is the stoma belongs to you. It's no one else's business. You decide when and if they need to know and don't make it a big thing explaining it. Be confident.

Now several people may agree on this. Several may not.

These threads or topics are not to instill fear but to educate.

Some light-hearted response is what you return with, faced with the question "what's that?"

"Oh this? It's nothing... it's temporary. Yeah, until I die." (Someone in this topic gets credit for this one - love it)

"Oh this? Not to worry. All other parts work just dandy."

"Oh this pouch? You know how rabbits multiply, right? Wanna find out what a kangaroo does?"

And for the guys:

"No honey, this isn't a roll of Life Savers you're seeing."

Confidence. Chemistry. Communication. 👍

TBC

l

Never fear, dear. We are all here. 😇

BINGO!  Daisy get a golden star for the refrigerator!!!  If someone doesn't like you for ANY reason..........you don't want to date them.....or even waste any precious time with them.  Period. Full Stop.  Folks on here like to focus on their stoma as somehow being the only reason someone won't like you.  But you're forgetting each of us has a thousand other reasons we're not attractive to everyone out there.  Somehow that gets forgotten when we develop a new singular reason for possibly not being everyone's cup of tea.  Even if you didn't have an ostomy........finding your perfect partner wouldn't be much easier.  So don't focus on your ostomy as what's holding you back from finding that perfect someone......because it's not.  

Think of it this way...........when you meet someone there's only 4 ways it can go.  3 of the 4 aren't good.  1. You can both not like each other.  2.  You can like them but they not like you.  3.  They can like you, but you don't like them.  And 4th; you can both like each other.  So before you even say a word to each other the odds are 1 in 4, or only 75% against you.  Las Vegas would love for you to play a game with those odds all day long and they'd never get tired of taking your money.  Now add in to that the number of flaky people out there........realizing that MOST of the good ones really are taken already...........and your measly 25% chance drops precipitiously lower.  So even without an ostomy you might have to date 100+ people to find ONE you could live with even semi-happily ever after. 

To make matters worse..........as you age you get uglier.........hey, don't shoot the messenger........and physical attraction is still (and always will be) the first part to a successful relationship.  And let's be honest here.......after 50 women start rapidly losing their "girlie" attributes as their hormone levels plummet, and guys turn into their dads and start to shrink, while suddenly feeling the urge to wear their slacks pulled up to their breasts exposing their very white socks.  That's why I keep telling Warrior to start buying black socks...........but he just won't listen!!  UGHH!  AND to make matters EVEN WORSE......as we get older we get wiser.  That means we now know what we don't like and what we won't tolerate in a partner.  So no more 'projects' or dealing with bullshit we might have tolerated when younger.  That just narrows the field even more, and everyone you date is also looking at you with that same wisdom.  So man-o-man this is getting impossible, isn't it............and it's not because YOU have an ostomy.

So the bottom line here is that dating is hard all by itself.  The older you are the harder it will be.  Having just one more reason someone might not like you (ie, an ostomy), is silly as there's a thousand other reasons.  Meaning they probably won't like you anyway even if you did shit out your ass.  So that's no reason to stop looking.  And stop counting near misses as failures..........they're not.  They're to be expected.  And any time you waste feeling bad about one, or that slows down the process, is just time you won't get to spend with that special person when you do find them.  No matter how long it takes you, or how many people run screaming into the night when you lift your shirt.........you'll forget all of it when you find that perfect someone.  So don't dwell on your dating failures.......they're just necessary stepping stones to finding that right person. 

Now get your heads out of your asses, shut down the self-pity party because you're an ostomate..........and go find that special person.  They're out there looking for you right now.  Oh...........and how about we bury this silly topic for now and move on?  Because when you do find that special someone you're going to come back to this topic, see what you wrote, and say 'what the hell was I thinking???'.

;O)

Yes! And remember, ladies, "a fish doesn't need a bicycle" 🤣

Your keyword here is ATTRACTION and it does not necessarily mean physical beauty/handsome - this may mean a picture is worth a thousand words is incorrect when it comes to finding someone to share your life with you.
What do most people find attractive? I have no experience in dating - I met my husband in high school and only dated 2 other fellas. I was married at 21. I did, however, witness my mom's journey after losing her husband, my father. She was 44 years old with 4 kids. After two years of getting back to life, she struggled mentally until her sweet self returned. For the next 46 years, she had no problem attracting the fellas. The reason? She had all the attributes I believe are necessary in finding the type of person one seeks.
To me, they are: a very good disposition, kindness, genuine, humble, and the ever-endearing great sense of humor - after all, life is gonna have lots of ups and downs no matter what age you are and you'll need to share it with a “like thinker”. And as she would tell my sister and me - “beauty is only skin deep”. That person might be found at a place where you like to spend your time. Go there and have fun - a “like thinker” may be there looking for you. jb

Hi K,

Ok, you got me. I had to go look that one up! But yes, you're right. For those in the dark like I was... the original expression was "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle," meaning women don't need men.

And this cowboy ain't touching it beyond that...

;O)

😁😇😹 No harm or insult intended, just being stupid.

What? My wife doesn't need me? Darn, I thought I was doing well too. To think... all those wasted years. Guess the cat and I should have a beer and commiserate, if I can find her...

Check the wall for the cat. 🙀

Oooh Bob... Alex is gonna beat you with his crayons now!

Oops, that was directed to Bob, not Beachboy.

Your wife or the cat? 😹🤣

Hi Kitty,

Oh, none taken... I just like old expressions, especially those I'm not familiar with. As I get older, I'm finding I want to know the history behind these things, and it is amazing usually. You go, girl!

;O)

Beachboy... you must be doing good if your wife kept you all these years when she didn't need you in the first place! Any chance you have a bicycle too?

;O)

I am missing Kittybou's reply!!??

This website is turning to shitz.

Anyone else experiencing tech difficulties? I am losing it.

Time for a war dance!!!

Psst... Hey Admin... it's working... he's going nuts!

;O)

😂 It didn't take much, huh.

Do not tell your dates until they become more serious (romantic). I date, and most of the dates are not serious. You will know this after a couple of dates and by asking questions to see how compassionate a person is. Everyone has a hard time finding the right partner, so you are not alone in this chase. You only fail when you stop trying. Good luck, and stay strong! Also, have you thought about moving? The San Francisco Bay Area has lots of single men!

I get this, and I hope you find the love you are craving with the right person.

It's difficult, isn't it? Despite people saying it shouldn't be an issue, it sometimes is - and guys run. I get that. Personally, for me - I haven't even been looking lol. I'd love to be "in love" again - but I can't be bothered trying to explain it to someone, and then be rejected. So I don't even bother dating. One day your prince will show up, and I wish you every happiness in meeting him. Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and make more effort!! Haha.

Stay positive, lovely x

Agreed x

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I have had my ileostomy since 2010. I have purchased intimacy wraps from a site called Ostomy Secrets. The items look like little skirts with an internal pocket for the pouch to hide and rest in. My advice would be to keep your pouch relatively empty if you expect intimate contact, which for me means very little food that day. I live on nutritional drinks that day since, with me, liquid does pass rather quickly. The days of random hookups from bars and clubs are long gone for me. Back in the day, I would refer to my bag as an external gut medical device. I have found that men usually don't care as long as you don't make a big deal out of it, and the ostomy wrap is very sexy anyway. You may have to remind your mate to stay away from the device area. Good luck.

That is funny.

Actually, both. Make it a... threesome 😍😉😁

Actually, I have 2 bikes... yikes!

Some amusing Beachboy history:

I had been dating the future Mrs. Beachboy for about a year. One day she says, "I've got the church picked out." Mystified, I replied, "For what?" "So we can get married." Whaaaaat?!?! I protested and said there was no way I'm getting married. Undaunted by my attitude, she proceeded to tell her parents. Her dad said, "Great, I'll pay for it all." She got a dress, chose bridesmaids, flowers, banquet hall for the reception, a photographer... OMG! Then she bought rings. A date was set.

The pastor called me. Wanted us to attend a few pre-marriage counseling sessions. Meanwhile, I was adamant... no way I'm getting married.

But then I started thinking about it. I was 28, amazed I was still around after my stage 4 thyroid cancer debacle. She was a nice person. And I was tired of the dating game. But I attempted one last gambit. When we first met, she wondered about the huge scar on the side of my neck and why I had such a hoarse voice. I had fibbed and said, "Accident." So now I told her the truth. She said, "Are you cured?" Told her I thought I was. Somewhere in my mind... wedding bells were ringing.

During all this, I was buying a house. Sale closed 2 weeks before the wedding. So I moved in. Didn't have any furniture, just a mattress on the floor. Day before the wedding, her father called and said he changed his mind... he would pay nothing. Asshole.

We got married. I paid for most of it. Left me with less than $100 in my checking account. So no honeymoon. I went right back to working 7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day. Took a year, but finally did go on a nice honeymoon.

That was 37 years ago. Out of all my investments... she was the best.

Score! I am so happy for you!

That's it. I'm moving to Arizona!! I heard the moonshine would knock my socks off. 😊

.

 

Best of luck to you. Don't give up 🤞🏼

Daisy!! Already messaged you while I was in the middle of this one 😝

I say this to make you smile... but my ADHD could derail a relationship before you have time to lift your shirt and say 'this is an ostomy'... My husband orders books on what it's like to live with someone with ADHD, never ordered a book on what it's like to live with someone without a colon, or what to do when your significant other starts making up new swear words for their stoma, or well, you get it ;)

Good for you. That takes confidence!