Finding Love with an Ostomy: Is it Possible?

Hi cricket!
Nice to meet you! And here I was thinking I was unique! Without hijacking the thread, I hope we can exchange stories later!

Bettyboop7
It's hard for me to relate to your situation as I have lived my entire life with my accessory. I've never known a relationship without my ostomy. I feel underqualified to offer any advice, but I will say that every situation eventually gets better! As I've said before, how others feel and react to change or differences are beyond our ability to control. Since we can't change others, we must turn the focus on ourselves. We men can be slow to accept change, and your hubby may just be dealing with his issues by distancing himself.
For both men and women with ostomies, please remember that your self-image affects your partners as well. As Beyondpar stated, "confidence is sexy and can hide just about anything, even an ostomy hanging off one's belly, so much so that your partner will not even see it." A great starting point would be to ask yourself what, if anything, would help you to start to love and accept yourself and your new accessories and begin taking steps in that direction.

I really hope someone who has been through a similar situation as yours will chime in soon!

This post has also made me laugh..... Biker... I bumped bags with my guy for 24 1/2 years... and while we did occasionally have accidents, we had a good sex life. The turn off for him was my going back to school. He was angry all the time after that and it became worse the better I did. And when I began to gain weight, he got nasty about that.... And so the marriage ended. I'm not going to say more about him, since he has an ostomy and may end up on this site.

Acceptance is different for all people. Some big heavy guys want tiny women..... Others have preferences for blondes, brunettes, or a gal with "big boobs". One guy who didn't know anything about my surgery wanted a "smaller woman with tight skin". Women have their own criteria.... tall, short, handsome..... with hair, no hair... (Personally, I find bald sexy). And then there's the blind date I went on. When he opened the door and smiled, I found he had no teeth. My ostomy was a non-issue. He had driven two hours to meet me, and I had to go out in public with a toothless person. And although he was a nice guy, I told him I wouldn't go out with him again unless he had teeth.

My ostomy has been a lifesaver for me, and I make no apologies about that. It comes with the package that is "me". I'm willing to put myself out there, meet people, and if I connect with someone on other levels (interests, personality, chemistry) that's when I'll disclose. That could be a first date, a second, or "never". My guide is.... "IF", I think I want his hands below my neck, then I'll consider disclosing. That's worked for me since I was a teenager, and it's never disappointed me. I never want to get a "WHAT'S THAT?" in an intimate moment.

Thank you all for your input, your support, and insights....

Hi everyone

So glad someone posted this on the forum! So..I am not sorry for my ostomy..it helped save my life and I am grateful every day! And I refuse to let it define me as a person. However, I struggle with when and how to tell people. I am a "tell it like it is" kind of person but struggle with that one. I believe it is better to be upfront and honest with people and really believe you can do that without hurting anyone's feelings. But, how do you handle it when yours are the ones that get hurt? And has anyone noticed that sometimes it is easier to tell people you barely know about your ostomy than it is to tell people you have known forever? I have no problem with going out, being kick-ass, and having fun. But when it comes to men, OMG I am the village idiot. Now throw in the ostomy..haha..well let's just say it is not a pretty sight!! As well as living in a very small town..I mean let's face it..who doesn't want a lil umm what did bbg call it "bag bumping" once in a while..(LMAO about that term)!! But in the end, one really nice, down-to-earth guy who loves a village idiot with an ostomy would be grand!

When it comes to revealing my ostomy to potential mates, I have a strategy that works well for me. I'm not a one night stand kinda guy, so I stay away from places where these kind of encounters might occur. I've learned that it's best to get to know someone, for a while at least, before I have any expectation of taking things to the next level. While I'm a huge advocate for honesty, I try and wait until the relationship is a little more evolved before I reveal. When you give someone time to get to know you as a person, the original physical attraction will only grow stronger with the addition of a well-nurtured emotional bond and the fact that you have an ostomy becomes less of an issue. Now comes the harder part... you still must be memorable in bed! If so, they won't be thinking about your ostomy! The less she's impressed with your sexual prowess, the more that ostomy becomes a problem!
Friends, both long-term and short, are a different matter for me. I have found, for me at least, that not telling friends works best for me! Here's why... in years gone by, I have told some really close friends about my condition and it immediately precipitated undue concern, gross pity, gooey compassion, and unwarranted attention for my welfare. I can live without that! So I don't tell unless I absolutely have to! Also, remember that friends tend to form tight social groups with loose lips... people are judgmental enough, so why add to the list! As I sit here writing this, I can think of hundreds of examples that I could tell you about on this subject... I'll save that for another post.

When it comes to physical/sexual attraction, men and women are miles apart!!! The only common ground that they can share is confidence! Women are not attracted to men with low self-esteem and vice versa! No matter a woman's stature, if she's confident and oozing sexy... she can pick and choose from the tongue-wagging men at her feet!

Roger that. Love all the comments. You do know you can wear a t-shirt. I did, no problems. It's weird when you get to be an ostomate, women and men. You kind of really have to delve into yourself. Without it, we never gave a shit. Now we worry, blah blah. I BUNJEE JUMPED FOR MY 40th birthday. No one saw the pouch. I like to say pouch. And yes, I feel like a few of you as well. I am single, 43, but mate, I am great. Maybe not every day. People walk down the street, see if anyone looks at your pouch (I don't think so). Also, girls, we can be on top. I would love to meet an ostomate that I am attracted to, but most men are too far from Australia. X Mooza.

Hey, you! Do we think when we meet a guy or a woman that we have stomachs? Girls, I have worn a t-shirt. We are our worst enemies. Cricket and that other guy should hook up. Hmmmmmm.

Hi Bettyboop7,
I'm also walking in the same shoes as you. I got sick last year with ulcerative colitis. I was in and out of the hospital from December to May. I had an ileostomy in April, along with some fistula problems. This is from a person who was never sick a day in her life! I've been married for 38 years, and we've had our ups and downs like most married people. My husband can't accept me physically now. He says he loves me, but we haven't been intimate for almost a year now. We live like roommates with no "benefits". Talk about unconditional love. I've discussed divorce with him, but he doesn't want to lose all the "stuff" we've collected through the years. Selfish, I think. I've moved out of the bedroom. He thinks it's ridiculous, but I feel really rejected. At this point, I don't know what to do. Like I said, we're wearing the same shoes!
Margaretg

Ugh..that makes me so angry...my husband and I had a good sex life too...then 'BAM'..I got sick..had a colostomy..multiple surgeries and hospital stays and he couldn't handle it..38 years down the drain..and you know what? God forbid it had been him I wouldn't have blinked an eye..we were 'roommates' for years but I knew he was out there doing his thing...so it was over. My self-esteem sucked...I deserve better...I can be miserable by myself, I don't need someone else making me miserable...hang in there ladies..

Oh Betty - I SO share your feelings of bewilderment! My husband of 22 years never touched me intimately again after my first (temporary) colostomy in 2003. He wouldn't even sleep in the same room with me, saying I "kept him awake". He actually became downright mean after a while and even said to me "Why didn't you die?"

Well, of course later, when he was divorcing me I found out he'd been seeing someone else all along and couldn't wait to dump me and get remarried!

It takes a special kind of man to get past the physical revulsion that little boys feel in the presence of "icky" stuff. The men on this site qualify as special, but I think they are unusual. I've worked in health care for a lot of years, and I've seen men who wouldn't even LOOK at their own ostomies - forcing their wives to take care of "the bag". (These were probably the same men who couldn't change diapers either!) I've seen daughters care for their mothers' ostomies, and vice versa.

Women ARE more physically tolerant. I don't know of ANY woman that has left a man or turned away in revulsion from caring for a loved mate. Overwhelmed - yes - but not out of disgust. This may sound sexist, but it's the rare woman who will turn her back and abandon (physically or psychologically) the person she promised to stand by in sickness and in health.

Yeah, I think I'm unusual... I'm also very proud to be in a class of men that are very different than most men!

On a more serious note, Margaret, goldengirl, and Pinky, I'm so very sorry that your ex-husbands/husbands treated you so poorly and adversely reacted to your ostomies. I can't or won't even try to understand this behavior. I'm sure genetics plays a strong role in there somewhere. I think Pinky has hit the proverbial nail on the head when she says...

Most men are not cut from the same emotional and behavioral stock as almost all women! It certainly doesn't seem fair, but it is a painful fact. I would love to think that if I had never had my ostomy, I would have never acted the way your spouses did! I believe in perseverance! There are men in the world that will accept you the way you are, don't give up trying!

Thank you, Sam!

You are so welcome, Ira...
Hope you have talked to more women on this site, because I truly believe you will find your sweet angel soon.
Sharon !!!

I know it sounds so cliché, but it's so true... if the opposite sex is in any way repulsed by the fact you are wearing a bag, they are not worth it! It is so easier said than done. No one wants to be rejected! It's human nature! When you do find that special one that accepts you... warts and all... wow, what an incredible feeling! Not only to be loved unconditionally, but to have the faith and know there are truly good people in this world!! We are the lucky ones who have been through so much but in the end, we have no doubts that we are truly loved!!!

Hey, you know what I do, I come straight out and tell them I have a stoma and that it doesn't affect me in any way. I wear a hernia waistband which hides the bag for intimate moments and I've only had one freak out. My suggestion is just be yourself and try to think of ways that give people a chance to see the wonderful person who's behind the stoma. Once they see who you are and work out that the stoma doesn't change anything, you'll find the one.

Hey Roger that, don't make assumptions about your love life. There is a nice lady out there for you. Maybe you are a little like myself, I have not put the action out there. You know you have to put out a certain amount of action in life and kinda go after what you want and need! It's been a year and 4 months as a permanent colostomy person. I have not taken my own advice. Keep your head up. Let's send each other positive energy!!!!!!!!

And so it is.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!! I have had my ostomy for many years and rarely have I had a problem with dating and intimacy. When the time comes, you have to be forthright and honest. If they reject you for who you are, you learn to move on and find someone who cares for you and understands the circumstances.......Al

Thanks, Marietta - I think you hit the nail on the head - I haven't put myself out there either, so far I haven't had to worry about being intimate! I haven't put myself in a position to be rejected or accepted for myself as I am now with not just an ostomy but a horribly disfigured abdomen full of scar tissue (worse than the ostomy!)

Seriously, for those of us who are shy and reserved, what's the best way to find other people who want a friend/companion/lover? I haven't made any headway through school or any of the healthcare-related groups I belong to.

I don't even meet anyone walking my dog or on Sierra Club hikes! Maybe I should try Elderhostel.

Had my bag for some 6 or seven years...had a few partners in that time and although it did cause one or two minor problems...it never stopped the sex or initially finding a partner...the reasons for splitting are nothing to do with ostomy...lol...and at present looking for a 3rd...maybe a keeper this time....moral being...don't give up...have to admit I would sooner find an ostomate myself though...just for the removal of any awkwardness...would be easier...but at 61...I ain't sooo fussy...lol

I am scared to have sex, even though my fly-by-night friend knows. He said it will not bother him, but I don't know if it will, because we haven't done anything yet. But with California, I would love to bump bags. My bag is on the left side, so where is yours? I also have buttons for mine. I can wear them for about an hour or so. They are great for swimming. An ostomy nurse told me about them. She uses them when she has sex, so I would love to try them out. Also, the best thing that happened to me was the surgery. No more accidents and running to clean myself up. Everyone, have a good one.

I've been married for almost twelve years, and ever since I got my bag, my husband doesn't even touch me unless it's to his convenience. Sometimes I think an ostomate partner would be better...understand each other.

I'm pretty sure BikerBoy, someone out there will bump bags with you. Just keep your head up, you look pretty good from your picture. Good luck.

Hi BettyBop, I think I'm with you about that. I think I'm going to try and get up with another ostomy. I had a friend for the last 11 years, but since the surgery on Feb. 16, he isn't coming around too much. I'm 63 and still very active and want to stay that way. I don't want to get buried before my time, but I do think I'm a little afraid of anyone seeing me naked. I'm afraid they would run, but maybe not another ostomy. It is your husband's loss, not yours. Keep your head high. He couldn't have gone through what you did.

Your still young yet, only 61. I'm 63 and we still have a lot of life in us. I'm with you though, I would like to find someone, but it's hard here in Ohio. They seem to run away. Take care.

Just reading all these posts about potential partners and how they react to our baggage, I love mine. It saved my life. It's not quite six months since my OP, so still a bit raw to go looking for a bag banging experience [haha]. I am 45 and like I said, only had my urostomy 6 months but no longer use the term "going to the bathroom" or "need a wee". Oh no, much to my kids' annoyance, I now say I am going to empty my bag. So I think that means I have already accepted that it's part of me. But just part. If people were repulsed by me because of it, then without a shadow of a doubt, they are not worth knowing.

Hello all: I have been married twice, once for 15 years and once for 22 years. The first divorce was due to my husband's cheating on me, and the second was due to my husband's severe drinking. Neither of these men would have tolerated me with an ostomy, so it is good that I was already alone when I became ill. I do think that there are men out there who would tolerate a woman with an ostomy. It really is terrible that a husband of over twenty years would reject a wife that becomes ill and has an ostomy. How awful! Just when you need compassion and emotional support, the man leaves you. All the best to you who have suffered this rejection. CCogan

Having the bag has not made any difference - I was useless at pulling girls before the stoma, I am just as useless at it after - lol.

Seriously though, I suppose that there must be cases where the potential partner is put off, but we have to live with that. As we get older it's probably not as important, like the "must have own hair and teeth syndrome", it gently fades away as age inflicts imperfections.

Before my op, I was given the choice of an external bag or reconnection. I chose an external bag as it seemed that the only benefit of reconnection was cosmetic, and there were more potential problems with reconnection. I have never regretted that decision. Finding the right partner can be difficult without a stoma, so to me, the stoma just makes it a little more challenging. That said, it can be an aid to finding the right partner in that if I am accepted, it is more likely to be for who I am. The big question for me is - when do I tell them about the stoma? I suppose that if I meet someone on here, I won't have to worry about that one.

Hi Kevin, at least having a stoma sorts out the wheat from the chaff when it comes to partners! You have a very positive outlook on life, and I hope you find true friendships on this site. Good luck.

And another positive story; I have had my ileostomy for over 2 years and just recently started dating. I was always thinking the pouch would be an issue, but with this man it isn't at all. He knew a friend that had a pouch for years since Vietnam and it (I swear) is the last thing I worry about now. Yes, there is always the possibility of a leak; it has happened to me in a most intimate time...but really, I feel proud nekkid; I have no more body issues than anyone else, pouched or not! I hope you feel more sure of yourself hon, lexfeelsprettyagain.

That's excellent, Lex!  After all, we should all feel proud, naked!  Haven't seen you post on the forum for a while, good to know you have been otherwise occupied!

Cheers,
Jo x

How great! Excellent news, Lex! xxxxxxx