I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, “Good morning you ugly prick.” The parrot isn't yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question I got wrong was, Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."