Meet & talk to fellow OstoMates 20,338 members

Am I doomed from having a partner?

Past Member
Posted by Past Member, on Sun Oct 03, 2010 1:19 pm
I've already come to the conclusion that the only possibly of becoming intimate with a lady is to make sure she has some sort of an ostomy herself. That's fine and understandable though I wish the door wasn't halfway closed knowing I will never be accepted by someone without one.
Yea I know, there are alot of wonderful, sweet women out there who will understand. If you believe that you've watched and read too many love stories. However, my problem is with me. How can you have sex with the thought there could be the slightest chance of an accident. I don't know how people do it but I give them all the credit in the world.

roger that
Reply by RedRoseBud6, on Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:24 pm
Roger that....
It is the same for us single women. You tell a man and he runs like hell. Have
you tried talking to any woman on this site? Good luck on your search roger.
Sharon !!!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:43 pm
Thanks for your reply. I understand women have the same problem. I just wish I knew a better way to keep it from getting me down. I've been in contact with a few women but haven't discussed it. I guess I just have to have the attitude "IT COMES WITH THE PACKAGE" and neither you nor I asked for it.

Thanks again, Sharon

Reply by loren4life, on Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:52 pm
Yes, there are many of the opposite gender who can't quite fathom a less than perfect body as their partner (and run as Sharon says).  But, frankly, once us humans get past the youth of the 20-30 somethings, few of us are perfect anymore.  So, yes, there are partners out there willing to take chances with us who aren't perfect either.  And I'm pleased about that .

One has to continue trying to make more friends in hopes of finding that person who likes the rest of the package enough to get past our ostomy.  But that isn't so different than dating pre ostomy, or even as a 20 something age.

And the ostomy takes more care, updating ahead of and during intimacy but one does those things on dates pre ostomy also.

Keep looking.  Keep upgrading the entire package.  The reward is worth the effort!

Reply by Pinky, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:00 pm
Hi RogerThat - a few weeks back someone posted a question about ostomates that were married or "together" - there are a few couples who met on this site.

What was interesting to me was his poll about whether the respondent would rather have a relationship with another ostomate, a non-ostomate, or never really thought about it.

The majority - about two-thirds (I think) preferred a relationship with an ostomate, but the next runner up was "never really thought about it"!

Food for thought.    Wink
Reply by goldengirl, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:08 pm
OMG Ira we're all in the same boat...everyone wants to be accepted..loved and cherished for who they are not for what they do or don't have..I spent 38 yrs with a man that I loved unconditionally..I never ever changed but he because of his rejection I now question if his love was ever true..I have low self esteem..I am so self every time I"m in his presence want to crawl into a corner an disappear... I feel like I'll never have anyone to grow old with.most of the time I'm ok with that....I know I am a good pe rson an I would never ever hurt anyone purposely I'm loyal compassionate and passionate ..but for those of us "stuck" with our extra baggage it's a long hard journey trying to get past it....take your time Ira sometimes friendships can turn into seem to be a nice guy..give yourself some time and you may find the "one"...Fran
Reply by Tiggy, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:41 pm
My heart really does ache for all of the people in our little community who have serious self esteem issues when it comes to attracting a mate of the opposite sex. That shouldn't suggest however that I don't understand - because I do. People *are* absolutely shallow for the most part, and yes, it's very difficult to find a person who doesn't freak out when they see someone who is (God forbid) - different. A lot of the time I hear that the only reason my husband's ostomy doesn't bother me is because I was in love with him for years before he got it, but I swear that is not true. I would be willing to bet my car (and I seriously love my car) that I would have been crazy about Tyler if we had met after his surgery. Granted, there would have been a lot of curiousity and annoying questions, but I would have most definately gotten over it, and accepted him regardless.

I know it doesn't make it any better to hear someone who doesn't have an ostomy telling you that anyone who "runs away screaming" because of a silly little bag isn't worth one moment of your time, but it's true. I can't speak for the rest of human kind, and I'm not sure that I'd want to...but I can tell you that when I look at my husband (naked or fully clothed), his ileostomy is the last thing on my mind - really. He is so much more than a bag. And, he's a million things more than his lack of a colon.

Please don't give up. There are people out there who aren't narrow minded assholes. Try to think of your bag as your personal jerk-detector. And please try not to worry about being alone - I'm sure there is someone (possibly more than one someone) out there for all of you.

Reply by Luckybuzzbabe, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:48 pm
Tiggy - thanks so much for your post. It's so important to remember these things. I'm rubbish at doing that and so will read and re read your words and try and take them in.
I'm newly single...and terrified!
Revel in your love you share with your man - it's obviously very special!
Reply by Tiggy, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:55 pm
Luckybuzzbabe wrote:
Tiggy - thanks so much for your post. It's so important to remember these things. I'm rubbish at doing that and so will read and re read your words and try and take them in.
I'm newly single...and terrified!
Revel in your love you share with your man - it's obviously very special!

Smile Thanks! I know it's ridiculously difficult to engage in positive self-talk when you're actually deep in a situation which deals directly with your own body. It's like someone telling me that my husband couldn't care less whether I'm a size 6 or a size 16. I can tell myself that until I'm blue in the face, and he can do the same, but it takes a lot of practice to actually get into a positive mind set about my own appearance. I think all people can relate to that, ostomates or otherwise.

Here is a link to what I believe was one of my first posts on this website. I wrote it a while after my husbands surgery, and it was recently published in the June issue of the Phoenix magazine. It's a stupidly long read, but if you were at all interested, here it is:
Reply by beyondpar, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:58 pm
                     Where do I begin.   I want to keep it short and sweet and know that it took some time to come to terms with it and this is what I have grown to know as the truth.

                 As I see myself and feel about my Ostomy,  comes through in every action word and deed that I do and my mate, partner, lover( as all animal do) pick up on that very scent and react accordingly.  
             For me the Ostomy has made me better than i could have ever been without it, and i consider it truly my lotto ticket to life, its incites, its nuances to the very nature of mankind and his or her imperfections........

           We are all so imperfect , its just how we project  or let those imperfections guide us that makes the difference.  Did you ever wonder how the guy who wasnt so good looking in HS but got the girls,  did it?...........It was his confidence of who he was and not the looks  that did it.....

                 We see it and just dont believe it, but it is true,  Confidence is sexy and can hide just about anything ,  even an Ostomy hanging off ones belly,  so much so that your partner will not even see it..
                I hope I am understood and my words are received the way I have intended.

Love to you all  Michael
Reply by bikerboy, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:26 pm
Im just waiting to bump bags when the opertunity comes about.I think it will be fun.I think its a turn on to see a  lady with a bag.Just waiting for the invite.Dinner first .
Reply by IamSam, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:38 pm
roger that - I heavily agree with loren4life in that the older we get the more acceptable we are to others physical limitations and appearances. I've had my Ostomy for 40 years. I received it in 1970 secondary to a Neurogenic Bladder caused by Spina Bifida. I can honestly tell you that I have never had any problems with finding physical intimacy with women. I think you will be surprised.  Women are definitely understanding and very willing to overlook a "life saving" medical condition and see you for who you are! If they shriek and run ..........they were not right for you to begin with. Having an Ostomy will slow you down and cause you to get to know women better before you reveal your condition. And, speaking from experience, don't allow that to scare you either. I have had a few women that I really.....really liked who expressed their inability to "handle' my condition. This is beyond our ability to control. They need, or have to accept all of me, especially since I can't change. I always found it interesting that I would inevitably find another woman whom I liked even better than the last!  

I hear you when you express your concern over a possible accident during sex. What can I say, accidents are always a possibility. Like driving to work, accidents become acceptable risks that we must deal with on a daily basis. The more sexually active you become with a consistent partner, the more you will learn how and what to do and not to do during the act in order to reduce accidents!  

In time you will discover that the only person your Ostomy matters you!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:53 pm
- "can't wait to bump bags"   - this literally made me laugh out loud.  seriously best laugh i've had all day.

- samIam, we have soooo much in common.  i also have a form of spina bifida and illeostomy since i was 4...i'm now 46.  when i read your post, it was like reading my own story!
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:06 pm
Urostomy...not ileostomy, brain not working tonight.  ha
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:08 pm
Hi all,  I'm everyone's posts and ca't help to laugh and cry at the same time.  I've had my ostomy for almost two years now,  and its sad to say that my husband is no longer attracted to me sexually in any way.   He was never able to keep his hands off of me,  and now he can't get far enough.  The weight gain and the bag have really shown his true colors I guess.  I'm the same inside but I guess its not for everyone.............unconditional love I mean.  So.... here I am,  37 years old and trying to understand if it ever gets better.  I wish I had the confidence as many of you have. Its hard to love and accept yourself with your new accessories,  let alone be loved by the one person who is suppose to be there no matter what.
any advise???
thanks for listening
* Please, do not post contact information like email, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or phone number. These will be removed by the Administrator.
All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Currently online: 22    
4 members & 18 visitors
lovely (f)
w30bob (m)