Meet & talk to fellow OstoMates 20,328 members

Intimacy with Ileostomy

Posted by vicbear13, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 4:52 pm
I would like to share tips, secrets, anything that helps intimacy be more alluring to others.  Dont be shy, I need answers.
Reply by Maryallison, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:49 pm
                                 
vicbear13 wrote:
I would like to share tips, secrets, anything that helps intimacy be more alluring to others.  Dont be shy, I need answers.

Take it from this "dirty old woman"...you are plenty alluring as is!
Reply by tippitop, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:44 pm
I too am in the same position, about to embark on a promising relationship but terrified of being rejected because of my stoma, I have a slim, attractive figure and some very sexy(sorry, but it is available and looks great), I am sure sex could be as fantastic as before surgery but have had no relationships since then before now. I am scared of rejection (aren't we all?)
Any confidence building advice from my new friends out there?
p.s. you really are gorgeous! Pity you so young!!!!)
Tippitop
Reply by eddie, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:02 pm
  I agree with my friend MaryA I also am an ole lady but I an't dead yet lot of young ladies should be glad to jump your bones!  I would just advise you to tell them what you have if necessary show & tell if she is turnned off hell you don't need her, if she is interested go for it, not to be too rude or crude, you still have all the right equipment.you can go on line for products that kinda hide the ole bag ( I'm not talking about me the ostomy bag) Hee Hee
Remember if the sex is good the wrapping paper doesn't matter
eddie
Reply by beyondpar, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:10 pm
Just a couple of things I would like to share...............Some people will be able to overcome the issue and proceed as normal  and some   will not be able..........Just be ready for that.....

Second I have found that the more you treat it as nothing, your partner will treat it the same...........Remember if you are about to be intitmate and the juices are flowing in the right areas,  there is nothing that should detract from that once the show goes on...........

I have had both good and interesting experiences, but nothing that can deter me from continuing in my quest....People in general are more understanding than you think( but there will always be those that run the other way).........

Go slow and with confidence........Michael
Reply by Maryallison, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:47 pm
                                 
eddie wrote:
  I agree with my friend MaryA I also am an ole lady but I an't dead yet lot of young ladies should be glad to jump your bones!  I would just advise you to tell them what you have if necessary show & tell if she is turnned off hell you don't need her, if she is interested go for it, not to be too rude or crude, you still have all the right equipment.you can go on line for products that kinda hide the ole bag ( I'm not talking about me the ostomy bag) Hee Hee
Remember if the sex is good the wrapping paper doesn't matter
eddie


Eddie, you and I know a good thing when we see it.  LOLOL
Reply by tippitop, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:50 pm
Thank you beyond par!! you have really raised my spirits.
Great guy you are
Tippitop
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:53 pm
sorry to be "Debbie-Downer," but you can forget it.  I've been an ilesotomate for six years now.  I was 28 when it happened, now going on 35.  NOBODY wants to be anywhere near it.  You finally have to forget all about it, otherwise you'll want to blow your brains out.  it's the "punishment" of surviving whatever we had to survive that left us with this.  Again, sorry to be so negative.  I'm just speaking on my experience.
Reply by beyondpar, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:20 pm
Chris ,  
           If I may add some thoughts here........For starters myabe you just havent met the right one yet.............You have to stay in the game and maybe , just maybe change the way you view it...........
            Interesting how you think its the punishment ( having the bag) for the suffering we went through,  and I look at my Ostomy as the greatest gift of my life, and proceed with those feelings.  I FIRMLY believe and live it this way,  that how I view it and embrace it is how my partner will view it and embrace it......When we are being intimate( the social animals we are)  we inherently feed off of each others feeling and emotions and then proceed with those feelings and emotions while being initmate or socially close...........I call it the human dynamic and it is what it is and cant be changed....What needs the change is us and how we act accordingly..We just have to learn to work within those parameters..........

           I wish you luck.  I feel your pain through your words................Can I ask if you have seeked out any help for the emotional stress i sense in your words......A counselor if you will................Stay well and keep sharing........Thats how we heal each other.........Your friend  Michael
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:51 pm
Hi.  I've been in therapy for six years and have been on every antidepressant known to man.  I know what reality is and this is it.  What we have is one of the last taboos of human culture.  It is a punishment, in my mind.  Those are my feelings, I certainly hope that others do not feel the same and that they have great lives.  I have not.  My life has been a living hell over the last six years with no change in sight.  It's a curse in my eyes.  For others, I hope it is a positive thing.  I'm glad you have made it positive for yourself.  For me, it will never be.
Reply by vicktoria, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:58 pm
Hi There
I think intamacy is still possible with a stoma.
My husband got his when he was 32, 2 years after we were married. I think we pretty much continued as always in that department. I loved him so much that I could not really imagine life without him and the colostomy was a small price to pay in exchange for his life. He is a very positive person so he does not dwell on in very much. Obviously, there are is all the usual ugly crap that goes with having one and its not easy to get used to, but he never convinced himself that he was no longer sexually attractive. That made things a lot easier for me. The truth is I never even see it or think of it when I look at him, the colostomy has nothing to do with the person he is and has no bearing on the way I see him.
-That being said, I do have to add that it is best to shower right before the sex. Like, the other person really can smell it if your nose is right up against it. He forgets sometimes and still acts like that issue isnt there bit i have to tell him it stinks and he needs to shower. At first it would really upset him but we are at a point that he just takes the tip and does what he needs to do.
-Also, oral if there is something in the bag is a little bit gross. Honestly, I am not crazy about that whole thing and i guess he knows that because he does not press me to do it. However, after a shower and a fresh bag its perfectly fine.

I know its different when you just meet a person for the first time and have to tell them about the colostomy but I still think it can turn out well with the right person.
If its just casual sex then I am sure you can conceal it to some extent.
If its a relationship I would wait a while before telling the person, like wait until they are completely into you and then explain.  Honestly, its really not disgusting or disturbing at all once a person gets used to it. We barely even think about it anymore. To us its just a matter of fact part of life and we share it like any other mundane thing.
The bag even burst all over me one day when we were having sex. Once again, not grossed out, just showered and moved on. I think the right person would understand.

I hope this helps even a little.
Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 9:23 pm
yikes.  that post totally made me want to throw up.  You just proved my point that intimacy/sex with an ileostomy or colostomy is just disgusting and no one wants to do it with someone that has one.  It's clear you don't!!
Reply by beyondpar, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 9:33 pm
Im going to put some things in perspective QUICKLY before this gets out of control.................IM watching the TV and seeing the destruction and rubble and the mass burying in mass graves of many Haitians where the families will not even have a private burial for thier loved ones................Now thats something to be very sad about.......

Chris you have your health and your mind and enough food ...So in my book you are good to go.......
chris Im gonna be blunt here..........PUT it  in perspective.  There is Intimacy on many fronts.....Mental emotional and yes physical..............Start with the mental intimacy and then emotional intimacy and I can assure you will get all the physical initmacy you could want...........But to just focus on the physcial( penis and vagina stuff)  is not gonna cut it on this site for me to read and continue to respond to...........You are not a teenager.  YOu are a grown man and need some assistance in getting things in the right order thats all.........Please , try and not be so negative..............thats all........Michael
Reply by vicktoria, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:26 pm
THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!
Maybe my post came out wrong. I was just trying to be honest as well as helpful.
I absolutely want to have sex with my husband and I think if I met him now with the colostomy and he was the same person he is now I would still be as attracted to him as usual. We have an amazing relationship and and amazing sex life. The fact is its an honest relationship between two people that are human.
The reality of the situation is its not pleasant. As  you know, no one would choose to have a colostomy. No one would honestly say its no big deal no matter how positive a person you are. We have both been through bouts of depression about the whole thing from time to time. But my point was that the intimacy part is as good as always. I look at my husband and I see the same sexy person I married. He has no problem walking around naked in front of me. He still dresses up for me and wants to look good for me, he still flirts with me, he still initiates sex as much as he used to. The colostomy part is nothing to me and my point is that there have got to be tons of people out there that feel the same way.
The only thing is, precautions have to be taken before engaging in sexual acts to make sure everything is fine. It is the very same precaution I take when I plan to be intimate, I want to make sure everything is fine on my end. Maybe when you have the colostomy you have to face the fact that it may take more effort to take the precautions. It used to tie me up in knots deciding if I should tell my husband the truth and I finally decided to do it. I don't say it hurtfully, we joke around about the whole thing.
Honestly, I did not mean to make you sick. I feel  very badly.
Like I said, I was just trying to show that it can be done and work out in the end.
I guess I am just not that good a writer.
Reply by demons, on Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:28 pm
I totally agree with you beyondpar, its so hard reading christopher's negative comments about intimacy being an ostomate..
I am 33, sexually active with a temporary colostomy.. My husband has been fabulous throughout the entire experience and it has not altered our sex life at all.

Christopher, i hope that you accept your illeostomy as a gift of life one day, and that you do find happiness.

Jo


Last edited by demons on Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
* Please, do not post contact information like email, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or phone number. These will be removed by the Administrator.
All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Currently online: 17    
4 members & 13 visitors