Seeking advice: Post-surgery painful intercourse - any similar experiences?

I am a male who had rectal cancer and had my anus removed and sewed up. I have had trouble urinating ever since and sex doesn't feel the same for me either. It feels like I have a lump in my butt or really bad hemorrhoids but all of that has been removed. It has only been 3 months since the surgery so I am hoping it will go away after I am completely healed.

I enjoy sexual satisfaction in other ways. I don't want to do anything that is painful, forming scar tissue, or tearing up my delicate insides, even if an MD says it will eventually help me to have intercourse. I've had more than enough pain and suffering throughout the course of my life!! After this surgery, I am focused on my pleasure and doing things that bring me joy and pleasure....never pain!! I love the other ways of being pleasured by a lover and fortunately I have one that is very much into pleasuring me in other ways. I have no need for intercourse and don't feel I'm missing a thing! LOL.

Baguette,

I agree. Sexual relations (with others or alone) should be for pleasure, not painful... never pain (for me). It is one of our joys in life.

I remember a punchline from a joke - "If it hurts, don't do it." I don't remember the joke, but the punchline is a no-brainer for me. I am not up for more pain - 'no way - no how'. I never understood "no pain - no gain"... I will forgo the gain if I have to have the pain.

Thanks for saying it and saying it so clearly.

Hi macsac1, I was wondering if you had radiation for your rectal cancer. The radiation caused me to have what they called a neurogenic bladder and it is difficult to start peeing and I can't empty my bladder all the way. I learned to use my abdominal muscles and cough and do whatever I can to empty my bladder because I did not like using a catheter. I too had that lump feeling after surgery. I asked my doctor if I was always going to feel like I had a giant wedgie. LOL It does go away eventually although I can't remember exactly how long it took. I don't know about the sex not feeling the same but I did hear from one man with this surgery that it caused retrograde ejaculation, where most of the sperm go into the bladder and you don't feel the same release. It might be something to look into. Take care!

Hi luv2laf, I have also had problems urinating ever since radiation for rectal cancer. It feels like I have to squeeze a little harder to get it out. I noticed that if I squat over the toilet to urinate rather than sit on the toilet, the urine comes out much easier. Donna

Hi Donna, sounds like we have been through a lot of the same things. Thanks for the tip on squatting, that is one thing I haven't tried yet. I looked at your profile and you have some beautiful pictures. Hope you and your husband are still able to travel a lot! Jane

I'm with you there, Dawneagle. I've had enough involuntary pain, bodily trauma, and stress....I'm definitely not signing up for more of my own free will! Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. It's supposed to feel good! When sex is pleasurable, it releases a plethora of hormones that make us feel blissful all over. There should be no trauma and tearing of tissues and pain involved during sex (YIKES!), unless pain is one's pleasure. Some people truly enjoy pain with their sex, but that's a whole other story. LOL.

As for the doctor that would tell a woman to continue to have PAINFUL sex in order to tear herself up inside and form scar tissue, so that she could be the right size for intercourse, I'm absolutely appalled at that kind of "medical advice"!! Scar tissue is NEVER a good thing. Scar tissue is formed by trauma to the body and it in itself can cause painful intercourse, often requiring surgery to remove. A no-win situation. (Google.... vaginal scar tissue).

Hmmm, I bet if that doc felt like his penis was on fire every time he had intercourse and every time he had intercourse it was ripping and tearing up his penile skin, he would be singing a different tune.

Why would a man even want to have intercourse with a woman he supposedly cares about and loves if it's ripping her vaginal tissues and causing her PAIN? Please, learn other ways to pleasure your woman and receive pleasure!

Doctors should be telling women who find intercourse painful for medical reasons to practice the many other forms of sexual intimacy and pleasure, rather than do anything that causes trauma to the body and tearing of the vaginal canal and tissue. Physical trauma (especially to a woman's sexual center) is trauma to mind, body, and spirit. Scar tissue is bad. Always. It will cause more problems than it will "fix." What is wrong with these doctors??

Learn about Tantric Sex. Sisters, please don't harm your body further just for the sake of having intercourse. Intercourse is not the be-all and end-all of sex. Sex is meant to be highly pleasurable. Orgasmically pleasurable. If what you're doing RIPS, TEARS, and/or HURTS, don't do it!!

After all you've been through, be especially kind to yourself and gentle to your body. Respect and honor what your body is telling you. Pamper yourself and get as much pleasure out of life as you can get while you still can. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Fortunately, I did not have to have radiation. I had some prostate problems before surgery, but the lumpy feeling in my butt seems to have made it worse. I can't wait for that weird feeling to go away. Is this a British website because I don't see many people from the states on here. I would like to meet some local women from Ohio if there are any.

I haven't read any other replies, so if I'm redundant, please forgive.
You're feeling like they opened the front as well as the back - check with your surgeon but mine explained the "pelvic levator" muscle or "pelvic sling."
He was able to leave my openings all in place to avoid just your situation HOWEVER -
I can't have sex because I have less than 4" vagina.
Therefore I am no help in the intercourse arena.

Please laugh with me:
I am looking to pursue an RN and will need to write a thesis.
A topic came to mind recently regarding the experience of organ/structure removal as pertaining not to just physiologic factual changes, but the perceptive experience of the patient.
My experience with recovery from my colostomy takedown (I still have the urostomy) prompted this, as I have the outer remnant of urethra left in place. As my anus learns to tell me when things need to empty (which are different from the previous "normal" signals) I've noticed that I feel like I "need to pee" even though there's no bladder doing the signaling.
I'm going to check with my urologist but I've been thinking the relaxation reflex used to poop uses the same muscle as the one to pee, hence the phantom feeling.

Please don't be insulted, but your comment is EXACTLY the type that I wondered I might find if/when I pursued the thesis. (No, I will NOT contact you; this is in the far far future; it's just a cool coincidence I think)

I completely understand your situation. Although my wife's surgery was caused by a different illness (cancer), the result was the same. You are not alone - hang in there, there is hope. Things will improve over time.

I never had any idea about the vagina shrinking during radiation.. but that does make a lot of sense and answers why I see the blood during relations. Wow....

Is the problem that you feel too tight, like his penis doesn't fit in you? Or is this some other kind of pain? I had a problem feeling kind of like a virgin again. I confided in a girlfriend and she suggested using a dildo to gently stretch things on my own. I did this and it worked.

I had the same issue with perineal...etc. Only during radiation and chemo, my vagina completely fused shut and doctors said the remaining tissue was too friable. When the cancer came back some months later and I was going in to have my anus, rectum, and part of my poop chute removed, I asked what they could do for me and received vaginal reconstruction surgery along with everything else. Almost 2 years later, I still haven't met anyone I want to have sex with (or probably vice versa). Sometimes I wonder how different am I from some dude who has undergone sex/gender changes? My veejay jay seems to be in a slightly different position from before, and I still don't know exactly what was done during surgery, but I have the notes and someday I will figure it out. I am very thankful that none of my sexual nerves were affected in any bad way. Topical sensations remain pleasantly intact. I wonder if by being outgoingly frank about my situation upfront with everyone, am I limiting my prospective future partners? DW

Hi all,
I have had my rectum removed and had chemo and radiation treatments due to cancer. This was done in October. I am still not comfortable with missionary style sex, but we have found oral sex and other ways to solve the problem. I have always enjoyed sex and would not like the thought of not being able to enjoy it again. I was also told that the skin in the vagina would stretch over time with use. We are still working on this. Don't give up, it does get better. Be patient.
Judy

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I have a urostomy. 5 years this month! My sex life is over!! Too much vaginal damage. Get lots of vaginal infections too!! Nightmare! The

Sorry but sexless in Shields here!! 15 years since I have had sex. My husband doesn't come near me!!

Deborah, I am new to the site. Do you still love your husband? Have you tried osto-lingerie?

Ermmmm it's been 15 years. Trust me, I am not trying anything.

Before my Ileostomy, we were extremely active!! Since then, nothing - I am not sure I know what love is anymore!! I care but love, mmmmm not sure.

I am here because I see no way out if I were honest and I don't want to hurt anyone. So..... As I see it, it's better and less selfish to be sexless in shields than to hurt people!!

So no, Ostomy lingerie not happening.

I do enjoy sex and still can. My problem is that no one wants me. And my husband is not a sexual person, so I don't get any at home either.

I realize that it may be difficult, but there are more ways to skin a cat; not that I want to skin a cat...
Most men like oral sex, and maybe you can entice a male that way and eventually might lead to intercourse.

An open mind helps. I firmly believe that friends can be lovers too, as long as both parties understand the ground rules and are open and honest about their feelings.

The problem typically comes when jealousy raises its head.
Just my two cents' worth. But the prime directive should be to feel good about yourself.

Ed

I read some of these replies and must say, in my opinion, they are not the norm. It is totally reasonable to return to a very active sex life in the case of vaginal sparing radical cystectomy. Prior to my surgery, my sexual activity and age were big factors in how my surgeon would proceed, thank God! So not all is horrid, see yourself as desirable and go for it. And I'm old too! LOL. Have fun! ;)

Sex... What is that!? I have a permanent ileostomy and also had rectal failure, so for me, I tried very hard to do it and went to doctors with the same issue. What really upset me was the attitude that just forget about sex (especially when I am in my early thirties and still very much at my prime). There are other ways that we are intimate now, and weird how much closer we've become and he understands and is certainly satisfied in so many ways, it has always been me that takes issue with this! Guess it's good that he is much older than me and I think it also sort of took time for me to be less inhibited. Once in awhile I put on a corset and even use lace to tie up my bag and then I feel a bit better, even if it is torn off within 10 minutes and over, but it is the psychology of finding a graceful and self-dignity in my image. And so I hope you find some solution to this but you are definitely not alone in this big (pink elephant in the room that most everyone thinks) and I wish you the best of luck with doctors or whatever helps you!!!

I'm single and don't see anything happening from now on. Sigh, who would want me now?

Becrhomat, you are a woman who had more going on than just sex, and the only thing that has changed is the plumbing. Change your mindset. It's their loss!!! Angelicamarie

Did you not have other qualities? You still have those qualities!!!

Re: Painful Intercourse

Good morning, DH. I read your post. I had my surgery in 2015. It's funny that you feel that way. I did too, so the last time I had intercourse was after the surgery, in which my husband said he couldn't enter. In all honesty, he has lately been saying things. I'm sure he wants to now. I think that the body goes through a traumatic experience before each part left wakes up. Now, I do want sex, but I won't allow it because my husband made the comment that it's too much preparation. But truly, I need to get on the good foot myself and try that Premarin. What we feel truly transfers to others, so on a bad day, what you feel transfers to others. Before the surgery, you did not just have a vagina; you had other qualities that made you beautiful. That part of you still exists. Surely, he didn't marry you for sex! Love is a great factor!

Bechromat:

Hello, did you not have a life prior to the surgery? Didn't you have a guy friend? Did you not have beauty? We all possess beauty in different ways. You had goals, you had a job, you had good qualities. So you, as a human being, were not based on just sex. You are more than that. That person is still there! It should be "Why wouldn't they want me?" (mindset). Angelicamarie

Hi DH,

I'm so sorry you are having sexual issues after your surgery. I didn't know until I read through all the posts, if you'd had radiation or chemo. I have had my ileostomy for over 50 years, since I was a "kid" of 15, so I had no pre-surgical sexual experience. But I do know that radiation and some medications can cause damage to the tissue. Discuss those issues with your doctor.....or with a gynecologist (male or female) whoever you feel more comfortable with.

My final surgery (removal of the rectum and anus) had some complications.... and some long-lasting effects. Between the ages of 15-19 (when I had the final surgery) I had still not had intercourse, although I'd been somewhat intimate with a former boyfriend. I didn't think I had any problems and was able to have an orgasm.....without intercourse. But during the final surgery, there was damage to my bladder, and 10 weeks post-op, I still couldn't pee, nor did I have any sensation of having to pee. Eventually......I was able to urinate......but rather than just relaxing and letting the urine flow, I really had to "push it out". The sensation of having to pee never returned. At first, I thought I had sexual issues as well..... I was newly engaged, and intercourse was "less than fulfilling". I went to see a therapist, who gave me some good advice.... He said I needed time for my body to heal completely, and if it was still a problem 6 months to a year later, go to see a gynecologist. In the meantime, during our engagement year, we practiced with different positions and different angles to determine what was most effective and least painful. It's been 50 years now....and there are still times that pressure from the wrong angle can cause pain. But I did heal and managed to have a fulfilling sexual life......had two pregnancies and gave birth to two battered but basically healthy babies.... Unfortunately, both went on to develop inflammatory bowel disease.....one has Crohn's, and the other has ulcerative colitis, but we're all grateful that their conditions are managed by medications. They are both in their 40s and are raising young children.....so our concerns aren't over... Sometimes.....life isn't easy, but with patience and the ability to adapt and be grateful with where you are in life.....we can manage to overcome some of the issues.... Marsha

I have had a rectomy.   I still have a perirectal fistula.   I still enjoy it, although I only have a piece of plastic to share it with, currently.   Jennie