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When Is The Right Time

Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 12:50 am
Hi to everyone on the site (this is my first post) a newbie so to speak.
Never done this before and feeling a bit indifferent doing it, although needs must I suppose , and you guys know the issues and have been through similiar, and hopefully have some good suggestions.
I have not properly dated since I was diagnosed and subsequently had my surgery, I am now three years post op and even though as to-date I have not been too bothered I am really starting to miss the comforts of having someone close to share my lifes ups and downs with.
It is so frustrating that my confidence is at an all time low and how and when should I approach the subject of my condition, I am not unwell, and do not class myself as anything other than fit and healthy. But the problem exsists never the less.
I have joined a dating site and had some success in terms of dates until I mention my condition... So when should I tell them date 1,2,3 I have tried all but still single..
I have joined this site to seek advice and maybe more, but I am still unsure it will work out.
Any advice will be gratefully recieved
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 4:49 am
Hi,

I am no expert, but I just look at it as when do you need to tell the other that you have false teeth? It is no real difference, but  before the relationship gets too far, or you would look like you were hiding it.

You need to tell your partner at the right time, if there ever is one, but after you have undressed in front of your lover it is a bit late then to bring up the subject.

You need to work it out for your self, no need to talk about it on your first date but as you start to reveal other feelings and hopes, it should come around then.

You have not chosen the wrong time to tell these others, they have not been people that could handle the bag no matter when you told them. Reading a few posts here you will see how many long time partners have run after a bag was introduced into the relationship. There are a lot of success stories as well, one young couple even meeting on here and look like continuing a more personal relationship.

Finding a partner that has no problem with your bag is the same as finding one if you are bald, some will be repulsed by you lack of hair most will not care. Sure, many people will find the bag itself bad, but still respect and accept the wearer.

If after you tell a prospective partner about your bag, if they run, good, you found out early that they wee not right for you, if they don't run, then you can start to build a relationship. Just don't build too much of a relationship before you do tell, that could be much harder on you.
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Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 4:50 am
Hello Malcie67,
This topic has come up many times in previous posts and all the advice seems sound.  I have not commented before but maybe it's time I threw in my twopennyworth.
It seems to me that there is no 'right time' in the creation of a relationship to disclose a personal condition. Much will depend upon the individuals concerned and the circumstances surrounding the relationship.
I would feel that if I spoke about my condition early in the relationship it would be like defining myself as the condition.    Personally, I feel that this condition is just an unwanted minor part of me that does not in any way define who I am, who I was or who I will become.   Physically I cannot escape it but simply manage it the best way that I can. Therefore it would not become an issue unless and until the relationship became physical.
There are a number of things about myself that I do not particularly like and would rather other people did not know about, so I keep them to myself.  It is my belief that everyone has these types of things - sometimes they don't even recognise their own dislikeable facets.    Looking at this from another perspective.  How long does it take for the person that you meet to tell you all the things about themselves that they would rather you did not know until the relationship was strong enough for it not to matter.
I tend to be basically 'honest' about these things, so if the conversation swings around to negatives in life, I would say something along the lines that I would prefer not to 'share' some  things until I really get to know someone better.  This implies that I 'would' like to get to know them better; it also implies that the process is a reciprocal one of 'sharing' rather than offloading.  I also have a blueprint, a plan, and a philosopy for all my relationships which I have called my 'Aims for today'. This I readily share with anyone who might be in the least bit interested and I would certainly share it with anyone who I was seriously interested in.  The 'Aims for today' have little or nothing to do with physical things but are to do with the formation and mantaining of good relationships.   They were formulated from my studies of people's relationships with their pets (dogs in particular).  However, they are particularly pertinent when it comes to people-people relationships because many humans seem to be pretty useless when it comes to relating to their own species.  I'll blog my aims for today so that you can contemplate if that's the sort of relationship that appeals to you. ( I did blog a poem some time back on the same theme so you are welcome to go back over the old blogs)
Relationships do not need to be rushed and the more you put into them the more you are likely to get in return. Not least, for me they should be 'fun' - at least some of the time.
I do rabbit on a bit so I'll finish there and  hope that this will be useful to you in your deliberations.
Best wishes
Bill
Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:50 am
Hey Malcie,
I think there is no right time, its a hard subject to raise but i am pretty sure i wouldnt be raising it intially after all if you were seeing a lady who told you she had say constipation on the first date what would you do? I know what i'd be doing, looking for the exit. Like what has been said previously I am not my stoma I am a person with a stoma which is only an alternative to using a bottom really. I to find the idea of dating with a stoma difficult all kinds of scenarios come to mind and put me off, but I will do one of these days and I have seen a stoma called a jerk meter its a great way to measure someones worth if they are put off who wants them in your life, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than have someone who is put off by a bit of poo. If they are worth having surely they would see the stoma is what keeps you well and for some of us the thing that stopped us dying. That makes it a magnificent appliance in my opinion anyway i am waffling keep smiling i firmly believe there is someone for all of us he/she is out there for you too
Trish
Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:41 pm
                                 
StarUK wrote:
. . . after all if you were seeing a lady who told you she had say constipation on the first date what would you do?


Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 3:16 pm
There is no right or wrong way just what you think is right.  
I had my ileostomy when I was 19 there may have been a few occasions where there wasn't time to say I had one *blushes* lol.
Some will run when you mention an ostomy but there are a lot more that wont.
It's normal with or without an ostomy to see someone once or twice  or speak to them and you don't want to see/hear from them again so was it the ostomy that put them of you or they just thought you wasn't the right one for them?
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:47 am
I am sure (well not really) but will get there, that someone is out there and searching for me.
As for was it me or the colostomy afraid the latter as everything was fine until I mentioned it, and I did this becuase things were moving on well and I do not want them to the feeling I was leading them a merry dance or a lie.
I do look at the colostomy as my lifesaver and although was not the easiest time I have and never will regret having it.
maybe I should draw smily   faces on it .....
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:04 am
                                 
Bill wrote:
Hello Malcie67,
This topic has come up many times in previous posts and all the advice seems sound.  I have not commented before but maybe it's time I threw in my twopennyworth.
It seems to me that there is no 'right time' in the creation of a relationship to disclose a personal condition. Much will depend upon the individuals concerned and the circumstances surrounding the relationship.
I would feel that if I spoke about my condition early in the relationship it would be like defining myself as the condition.    Personally, I feel that this condition is just an unwanted minor part of me that does not in any way define who I am, who I was or who I will become.   Physically I cannot escape it but simply manage it the best way that I can. Therefore it would not become an issue unless and until the relationship became physical.
There are a number of things about myself that I do not particularly like and would rather other people did not know about, so I keep them to myself.  It is my belief that everyone has these types of things - sometimes they don't even recognise their own dislikeable facets.    Looking at this from another perspective.  How long does it take for the person that you meet to tell you all the things about themselves that they would rather you did not know until the relationship was strong enough for it not to matter.
I tend to be basically 'honest' about these things, so if the conversation swings around to negatives in life, I would say something along the lines that I would prefer not to 'share' some  things until I really get to know someone better.  This implies that I 'would' like to get to know them better; it also implies that the process is a reciprocal one of 'sharing' rather than offloading.  I also have a blueprint, a plan, and a philosopy for all my relationships which I have called my 'Aims for today'. This I readily share with anyone who might be in the least bit interested and I would certainly share it with anyone who I was seriously interested in.  The 'Aims for today' have little or nothing to do with physical things but are to do with the formation and mantaining of good relationships.   They were formulated from my studies of people's relationships with their pets (dogs in particular).  However, they are particularly pertinent when it comes to people-people relationships because many humans seem to be pretty useless when it comes to relating to their own species.  I'll blog my aims for today so that you can contemplate if that's the sort of relationship that appeals to you. ( I did blog a poem some time back on the same theme so you are welcome to go back over the old blogs)
Relationships do not need to be rushed and the more you put into them the more you are likely to get in return. Not least, for me they should be 'fun' - at least some of the time.
I do rabbit on a bit so I'll finish there and  hope that this will be useful to you in your deliberations.
Best wishes
Bill



Beautifully Spoken, Bill.  And very wise Smile   Darla
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:25 pm
I had my ostomy shortly after college so my entire "serious" dating life was post-ostomy.  I found that at some point a conversation would center around why I had such a positive attitude, why I felt lucky, etc. and that was my opportunity to say that at one point I had been very very ill.  Then, fortunately a surgery was done that saved my life.  It now means that I have an ostomy bag---which is actually very cool because you can't smell my farts and I don't have to spend much time in the bathroom! Then it would unfold from there.  

As you said--it is a great way to "weed out the losers" quickly in the dating process.  Those people just weren't for you and they missed out on a great thing.  Hang in there!!!  I have been married twice (one divorce) so there must be someone out there for you.

Often, people will adopt the attitude you have to your illness/stoma, so a lot depends on your attitude and how you handle it.

Best of luck!!!!!
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:34 pm
You'll meet someone when the times right, just be careful On-line and on here some will declair their Undying love for you when they never have any intention of ever meeting you, just a sad sick game they play with people. I've seen it happen to a few people.
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:50 pm
Lol @ Three
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:47 pm
hi, im not sure what type of support i can give you as im 1 year into my surgeries and um not well. im married to a wonderful man someone who has bee my best friend for approx 25 years. we have 4 girls. I just want you to know that being single is most likely more difficult, howeverplease understand that being married and dealing with intimacy issues is also difficult.  Any women who cares for you wil understand, everyone has baggage only we carry ours in plaain view!  good luck to you i wish you alot of support and admire your courage! be well and good luck
Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:56 am
I stick by what I have said a few times regarding this issue. If someone is going to dump you because you have a stoma you are going to be dumped later I am sure.

It is the type of the person you are involved with and if they dump you early because of this issue it will also occur later as they have an issue with your ailment which poses questions about them and not you.
Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:14 pm
I'm only 18 and have been dreading this from the day my ex dumped me for having a permanent ileostomy! I look at it as having saved my life and when it does get me down I just try to think that at least with it I can usually tell who the good ones are before things get serious and it stops me getting my heart broken again. But it is hard for anyone! People can be so ignorant about stuff like this, and finding someone who's been in a similar situation is usually the best thing.
I did have a situation where I was talking about scars and my surgery with a guy and he asked to see my scar so when I showed him and he saw the bag itself I explained it all and he seemed fine about it. He actually said it was "cute" that I'd worried about telling people about it. So it's just a case of telling someone when you feel comfortable about it, and if they can't accept it then they're not worth it!
Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:10 am
Let's hope you always remain comfortable in your own skin. You will always radiate grandeur.
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