Finding Love with an Ostomy: Is it Possible?

If I may chime in:

I've had my colostomy for 15 years, and frankly, I've been the poster child for poor acceptance. Yes, I knew it saved my life and that I had no choice, blah blah, but I was 39 years old, and I believed my sexuality was destroyed and the fun was O-V-E-R!

I've had three relationships and I'm not sure who had greater issues with the ostomy, my partners or me.

However, at 55, when I had pretty much accepted the idea that I would never get comfortable with my "altered" self, I have met the right man and I'm having the best and most uninhibited sexual relationship of my life. I would never have believed this could happen. Honestly, for it to be "okay," I think it has to be with a truly mature partner who is seriously interested in you. Besides my colostomy, I have more scars than I can count from more surgeries than I can remember. None of my flaws seem to matter and I have never felt sexier.

I wish everyone the same luck. I sure never expected it to happen to me.

Roger that, and all the others on this thread,

It is obvious that this was/is an important topic! Thanks for bringing it up. It will rank near the top for 'Topic of the year!'

There is some very good education here and everyone's contribution is important. That is what makes this site so important to so many.

Loren

Wow. I am so thankful for my husband. He hasn't acted or treated any differently since the surgery. We have a great sex life. We talked about the ileostomy before I had surgery. He had the same answer - he wanted me healthy and to have his wife back. When I was sick, I wasn't able to participate in family things and I was in the hospital for months at a time. My husband is supportive and my biggest fan. My kids are growing up knowing that people are different colors, shapes, and some have medical concerns. My kids don't see my bag as weird or gross - it is just me. I'm so sorry that some of you are going through such heartache and loneliness. I know there are good people out there that an ostomy wouldn't be a deal breaker for them. Don't give up. Enjoy your new lease on life and live for you - it will increase confidence and you will enjoy being yourself - that is very attractive to people and you will meet people with the same interests. I hope everyone finds the love of their life. Take care.

I am 37 years old and now feel I will be alone.......it's hard enough coming out of a harsh marriage......the trust, the hurt...the pain but then to have this on top of it all...how can I allow anyone in?
I think it's hard enough trying to find a relationship without added complications.
Acceptance is such a big thing in my life.....I ain't the prettiest or the slimmest but I know I could offer so much....then comes the bag issue...so I get past the first lot of issues and the next come along.
I yearn for someone to share my life with.....to be able to be naked...to be able to be the "old time" who had no hang-ups....to feel a man's body so close to me without "getting wet".
I know this has saved my life but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.....less of a woman.....or a middle-aged woman stuck in a body that she never asked for.

Just my point of view....no malice intended.

XX

Tine - I SO agree with everything you've written here. Whatever you can do to regain your previous feelings of self-esteem - exercise, hypnosis, whatever! - go for it! Because it just gets harder as you get older. Men get scarcer. You are in the PRIME of life right now...don't let it slip away!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

And Firegirl 25 - you are wise to realize how fortunate you are to be with the right man!

It's probably been said before, but it seems that the first thing we have to do is accept ourselves, and then allow others to accept us.

Healing is a process with both a physical and emotional side. These heal at different rates, and if it is taking a while longer to heal emotionally, it's probably quite normal as we need to get to the point of being healed physically before the mind fully understands and accepts what is going to be "the norm".

This site is a brilliant place to come for information, to make new friends, and maybe even start a relationship. Not having to explain things to a potential partner because they too are an ostomate certainly keeps things closer to the comfort zone, but we must not take the easy option of looking to date an ostomate just because they'll understand while excluding dating others for fear of rejection.

I became a born again singleton long before my surgery, and trust me - you don't need a bag to be rejected on a date. There are a whole host of reasons why two people don't click and I honestly feel that it's all too easy to blame it on the bag. Thinking back to my pre-op days, if I had dated someone who was special, then found out that she was an ostomate, it certainly would not have put me off. So, now it's my turn, and as I said in my previous post, the stoma could even work to my advantage now as, if I meet someone and we click and decide to take things further, then it's going to be with someone less shallow than if they run at the mention of a bag, and we are more likely to be there for each other no matter what happens.

Perhaps the other issue here, besides us accepting ourselves, is public perception. We all tend to keep personal things quiet, thus there is a general lack of awareness about stomas etc, and it could possibly be this lack of awareness that makes people less willing to accept us.

Greater public awareness may benefit us all, but I think I'd be drifting off topic to discuss this further here so I'll close now.

Oi - wake up - I've finished!

Hi, I really enjoyed your point of view. "When to tell" has been the topic of many discussions, back from when I was a teen, and sharing with a young adult ostomy group....and again after divorcing my ostomate spouse of 24 1/2 years. We had so many differences that the ostomy couldn't begin to keep us together.

In my experience, if I feel like I want a relationship to become intimate, I disclose long before we're in that situation. I never want to have to be on the spot to explain.....although that has happened to me, and it hasn't been a problem. I think it's up to the individual..... I just feel that sooner is better than later. I hope this helps. Thanks to all for the honest and helpful responses.

You are not doomed, someone will come along. I am sure, there are many good women out there looking for someone true.
I am already taken, have been married for 47 years and happy with my ostomy.
Travel

Sturbridge wow..I have a second home in Charlton, MA..used to be our permanent residence, but we are now residents of Florida...but still maintain our home in MA...
Yes, there is life after an ostomy....
My husband got prostate cancer in May 2007 and a month later I ended up with a cecostomy... we are both survivors... we are fortunate.
Travel

Roger that - I honestly think you speak for all of us with an ostomy when you say you have doubts about intimacy with the opposite sex. I'm 64 and lived most of my life with multiple sclerosis before colitis and "the bag" 6 years ago. The MS put most men off, but had a few relationships, then met what I thought was a lovely man on another ostomy site. We finally met and hit it off straight away, and of course there was no embarrassment about the bags - in fact we had a good laugh about them. While I had been thinking how lucky I was to have met someone I had so much in common with - as well as an ostomate - I hadn't realized that the bipolar he had mentioned early in the relationship was suddenly going to turn him from loving me to being completely indifferent to me overnight. The relationship ended there, but it was nothing to do with the bag situation. We all have faults, illness, mental conditions, or other imperfections, and if someone doesn't like your bag, they are saying, basically, that they don't like you. There are many, many people with loving partners on this other site - acquired before or after their ileo op. You sound like a nice guy and that's much more important than having, as someone else said, a silly little bag. Don't give up hope, and remember that anyone with diarrhea can have an accident in bed! It's only poo after all. A sense of humor is very important too. If you can make a joke of it with a partner, so much the better. Good luck in your search.

Doesn't everyone these days "come with baggage," one sort or another? It's just that we have a little more baggage than most - keep a sense of humor. I laugh about it now when I could have cried in the past. It has got me down but not out...but we have all suffered, and perhaps because of it, become a little more tolerant and wiser. I think more attention ought to be paid by the medics to the emotional side of coping with a new body image and performance. Anyway, "sex" what's that??!!

Very well said...

Tine, your profile pics show you as a very pretty gal and your conversations here say that you are a good person. Any man would be lucky to get any kind of attention from you. I don't think loneliness will be a problem for much longer.

Thanks Tiggy, you are very great and have made me feel better than I have been diverting, that feeling of diverting as unnecessary is a reminder of how I felt about life pre-op, like contentment, I can't remember, now 7 months after op.

PS I would still prefer someone from my planet

Tine,
I think you sell yourself short by stating you're not the prettiest or the slimmest. Rhetorically speaking, by whose standard do you judge yourself? The socially portrayed norms in modern media of acceptable attractiveness are not the absolute bottom line and, in reality, vary from person to person. There are men out there, myself included, despite how you feel about yourself, who agree with Swiffer and would find you to be totally "HOT" based on your appearance/photos and in lieu of your personality, which I'm guessing is great! Your perception of yourself is half the battle.

Like the rest of us, you have been dealt a hand of cards that you may or may not like. How you choose to play that hand is strictly up to you. Accepting yourself and your situation is the only thing that matters before you can accept or relate to others. The face and body that I look at every morning in the mirror is not perfect..............I don't necessarily like it...........but I do accept it! And I fully expect others, to whom I relate to intimately, to accept it as well! As soon as you become comfortable in your own skin, the men will notice and you will be picking and choosing!

You mentioned the trust issue after a harsh marriage..............that I can relate to! It's my biggest problem now! I can't offer advice here because I can't seem to overcome my own trust issues, and they completely outweigh my Ostomy issues!

I think it is "odd" how we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else....I know it's true for me and a lot of people I know. If anyone else pointed out all the flaws I find with myself......I would think they were a jerk....and ought to take a closer look at themselves.
But when I do it.....for some reason I used to think it was okay.....now I would call myself a jerk for thinking that way. LOL Guess you do get a little smarter as you get older!

Sheila

Just wanted to say thanks for all the wonderful comments....I am my worst critic and know I've got to ease up and not be so harsh on myself....to accept I've got this bag for the rest of my life....don't let it rule me!!!!

Tine...xx

Roger - It's just a matter of finding the right partner. I was married when I had my ostomy surgeries and it really didn't affect us (I felt really blessed). My husband was just so glad I was no longer sick all the time. He passed on, and in 3 years, I met a man at work and we got married, and he has never ever had a problem with it.

I have heard many stories and really never thought I would have a chance after my first husband was gone, so I was pleasantly surprised. I hope you will find the right one and be surprised also.

Good luck.

I have read through the 5 pages of this thread and feel deeply for you. I have been married to my very special lady for 48 years and have had my permanent colostomy for 7 of them. I must admit to being far more resentful after the surgery than my wife who accepted the situation from the beginning. I didn't, and that became an issue until I finally woke up to myself. Early on, I had accidents, the worst fouling our bed at 0200 hrs. She quietly rose with me, helped me to the shower, and remade the bed while I was in there. When we both went back to bed, she cuddled up to me as though nothing had happened. I have been hospitalized several times since, and the last time being from January to the end of May this year. I required more surgery to repair damage from the radiation treatment following a resection to remove colorectal cancer stage 3. The bowel perforated, and I ended up with fecal peritonitis. All of these difficulties were patiently endured by my wife, who I will say I love very dearly. I don't understand why anyone cannot accept their husband or wife's altered body function. That is what it is, simply an altered direction. Every human being has to dispose of their body waste, so what is their problem? I believe that there is always someone somewhere for each of us, so be patient and selective. You will find that special partner. You will see.

Tine, as I've told you before, you are what we Southerners would call quite fit. Actually, you're more than quite fit. Stop putting yourself down, you won't be lonely for long.

I am 30 years old and have just come out of the hospital having a completion proctocolectomy, and I am new to this site. The day before I went into the hospital, my partner of 4 years and I split up. I knew it had been on the cards as he has never been the same with me since I had my ileostomy formed in September 2009, and now I think the thought of it being 'permanent' he couldn't handle it and fled! I have now had to come to my parents with the minimal stuff I picked up the day I left, until I have the energy to go and collect the rest of my things (I am one week post-operation).

At this moment, I feel that no one will accept that I have a bag. I was such a confident person but seem to have lost my grounding at present. I am sure this is a normal process after surgery, but at this present moment, I feel like I will be on my own for the rest of my life because no one would find me attractive.

x

Personally, I think that any relationship that breaks down just because of a bag was weak in the first place. At the end of the day, yes, we and all who are around us go through a lot emotionally around surgery time, but any decent partner would just be glad that you are okay, have survived, and that there was a treatment available for your illness. In reality, a bag does not change who you are. In most cases, you can do more and be less restricted after surgery, and it is only during the most intimate moments where it shows its presence. Small bags are available for those special moments, positions can be changed slightly to minimize the bag contact, so if someone leaves because of this, then it seems that the relationship was based mostly on sex. Even as a man, I think that's shallow, and the relationship would probably have broken down at a later date anyway.

Blondemoment: - I appreciate that you are going through a tough time right now, but some good will come out of this in the end. Be strong, things will get better!

I think what you have said is right, things seemed to have changed from the time I had my surgery, he just didn't seem interested. Things seemed to get worse and the Sunday before I had my operation on the Tuesday we had a disagreement and he used this as an escape goat! Also didn't want me to go on holiday with him and his son etc. I think I feel this way as well because I'm in a lot of discomfort and can hardly walk with the incisions in my stomach and not too be crude 'back end', feel useless as having to rely on my mum to look after me at present, where I am usually so independent.

You are also right when you say that the relationship was weak, and probably would have broken down anyway. I am sure there are a lot of people out there who are not shallow and would love the person just as they are, but this point in time can't see light at the end of the tunnel and it seems to have knocked my confidence on all accounts at the moment.

Please allow yourself the time to heal both physically first and that will happen faster than you think, and then allow the emotional to catch up to the physical...
A lot of us have been through the situation you are now going through, and in truth while you may not believe it now, there is no one to blame or cast any negative comments about... We all, and I mean we all, are trying to figure this journey out and get through unscathed, but we do become scarred, but please don't become jaded... There are many people on this planet who just don't have the coping skills or ability to deal with it and it doesn't mean they are shallow or indecent... I know I never wanted the pouch and today I love it... so to expect others to accept it so readily is asking for a lot.
You will be loved and accepted for all the beauty you bring to the table, and allow it to surface, slowly but surely... I, as a male, find you to be very attractive, so if I see it, there will be many others... Go slow, as you are in the early stages of recovery... Stay well Michael.

It does get better each and every day...

Tine, I am also 38 and single, living alone. I had an argument with the man I was seeing a week before my op. He knows nothing of my op and we haven't spoken for 5 weeks. It didn't end well. I'm thinking now, pastures now... but sorry, I digress...
You need not worry, you are beautiful, and just because you have a pouch, it does not mean that prospective partners should think any less of you. In fact, I think many will see you as a strong woman. You may not feel it, but you are strong.
I hope too to have a relationship again someday, but as the advice in this forum goes, I want to get my head around all of this first (had a colostomy a month ago), and then I will be ready to contemplate it.

I think that you are right also, you have to get your head around what has happened to you before you even get in a relationship, because if you can't get your head around it how is anyone else supposed to, but I think it is wrong for people who can't see beyond the 'bag'. I was or thought I was quite confident, people used to say I was before this happened, seemed to have knocked me a bit.

I too haven't spoken with my ex-partner since the day before my surgery. I have had to text him and he is packing my things and my mom, aunt, and friend are collecting them on Monday, then putting the key through the door. He hasn't asked how my surgery has gone so I haven't mentioned it. I think I will be better once Monday is over! I don't want to have a really bad breakup as my friends are also around where I used to live and drink in the same pub, so I will bump into him sooner or later.

Hope you are feeling okay and managing your colostomy.

x

Hi all.

I'm 47 and have had my colostomy since 2007.
I was married at the time but have since left my husband. He was okay about the bag, he just wanted the sex. But he was in denial about my ongoing health problems and showed no support whatsoever. I figured that if I have to go to all these hospital visits on my own, I may as well be on my own.
My current boyfriend tries very hard to show he doesn't care about my bag. But deep down, I know it is a bit of an issue with him. (Or does the problem stem from my low self-esteem, and he's feeding off my emotions?) Either way, we have worked out a most satisfactory solution. I wear a tight stretchy singlet when we go to bed, (or the couch, or wherever lolol). It can be rolled down over the shoulders and fits snugly over the baggie so it's out of sight and out of mind.
I usually wear a stoma cap at the time. It's a tiny bag about 3"x2", and is okay for an hour or so, though I've worn them overnight more than once.
I'm on the lookout for lingerie that is cut so as to cover the ostomy and associated war wounds. I think this is more to boost my own bruised ego, though I'm sure he'd enjoy it too.

I understand the rejection feeling. I lost 2 relationships due to my illness. My first one was 8 years and he got scared off, and my current one I am in is a 12-year relationship and have a wonderful son. When I decided to have my surgery, my husband was supportive as he had seen me in pain and relying on morphine for so many years. Yet, when he saw the outcome of the colostomy, he couldn't handle it and has since left this past weekend as he needed "time away" and to "talk to someone". Not sure what the outcome is going to be!

Oh, I feel your pain!
Hugs .xoxox

Personally, I haven't had a partner yet since my surgery. I would hope that it wouldn't be a big deal but I guess I can't say for sure. It seems like women with ostomies have it harder than men with ostomies to find partners, I guess guys are more superficial? I mean, I don't know for sure, that's just my observation.