Boosting Intimacy with an Ileostomy: Share Your Secrets!

Vicktoria,

Yes, I am speaking to someone via email about extra bags. As for working, I do work. The ostomy does cause problems because it often gets in the way when working on computer hardware in tight spaces (seems all computer server rooms are just too small). I can usually get around that. The real problems come from it being very unpredictable, which can cause me to miss scheduled things like meetings. And, because it can take quite a bit of time to deal with (i.e., if something goes wrong with the bag), it's not the best for being 100% reliable in an on-call situation.

But, the real problem with work is not the ostomy—it's the hernia. The hernia is getting painful (more and more by the day). I've read that it is to be expected, but it doesn't make it easy. I find that sitting in a chair for more than an hour or so becomes painful, and most of my time (as an IT person) is sitting in front of a computer. (Standing is also painful—the only thing that is not painful is lying down).

Another thing (really for another topic—maybe I should start a new one?) is that some people consider an ostomate as a liability. I've actually lost long-time clients because they feel that because of my condition, they cannot rely on me 100%. They see the bag bulging out, and it's like they feel that any minute I'm going to keel over and have to go to the ER... I wonder how many others have that same problem...

I just want to say to everyone how thrilled I am that you are all pulling together to help out our brothers and sisters. I wasn't expecting the response that this topic is receiving. Thanks to all... karma is a wonderful thing.

Vic

Hey Steve (Sweede) you are a good guy, the world this site needs people like you!!

My best wishes to you. May your foundation continue to thrive......Pete.

Well,

What an excellent discussion everyone. I am unsure if you are being polite and call sex intimacy. I certainly have had no problems agreeing to consensual sex. I kept my pouch discreet and all was well.

Chris - Sounds to me like you had depression and social issues before your surgeries and now really feel doomed. Due to my illness, I was isolated and stuck at home for 7 years. Once I recovered from my ileostomy, I was out climbing mountains, kayaking, running marathons, attending all-day music festivals, and breaking hearts as well as having mine broken.

Back to Vic -
I used to let my stoma take the fall for my flaws surrounding intimacy, but I don't anymore. I am coming to terms that I kick ass and most of the guys I fall for are jerks!
I am a nice girl who keeps falling in love with the "bad boy." I have GOT to stop falling for jerks. So now it's time for the nice guy to get their chance at winning my heart.

After 20 years of marriage, I have done the work to recover from a divorce. So many people want to jump into a new relationship without healing and growing into a healthier person.

As I have grown older, I have difficulty finding well-rounded people period. I choose my friends carefully. I do my best to surround myself with people that elevate and encourage me. I stay clear from takers, users, needy, depressing, and negative people to ensure that I keep my own dark thoughts in check.

Be careful. Just because someone is on this site and has a stoma doesn't mean they are a better relationship candidate. Whether they are fellow ostomates or not, surround yourself with good people. Tell the jerks, whiners, victims, and takers to move on.

Good luck!

I agree with Vic!
Forum protocol: Wanna change the subject of someone's thread? Then start your own.

Thanks, Imperfect!!

Aw! That's so nice. You told a fib though.    What fella doesn't think with his weiner?

Aw! That's so nice. You told a fib though.    What fella doesn't THINK with his weiner?
       

You can't keep a good man down!

Sorry to disappoint you, Imperfect, but I'm afraid I have to be a little bit more creative than just simply flinging my weiner around the room. Don't get me wrong, nothing beats lying naked next to a loving partner, but sadly, what with prostate removal and all, it kinda severs the urge to fulfill one of man's basic instincts. Hence, the tongue piercing. Lol.x

Uhhhh, I said you still think with your weiner!!! Haha

Your visual though... Lordy schmordy, that's funny.

Tampa, Fla, I was just there last Sat. Got back from a cruise with my boyfriend. We had a great time. I never thought I would be doing that 11/2 yrs ago. That is when I had my urostomy due to bladder cancer. I met a nice guy last year. When I got to know him better during our budding relationship, I told him everything about my health issues. He had some of his own, and we both saw past them, and we continue to enjoy each other's company. It comes down to if the other person does not accept you for the way you are, then you are better off without them. Unfortunately, you need to weed them out. You should have no problem meeting girls, you're a cutie honey. Best of luck.

I love Bella Bands - good for guys or gals. As far as getting intimate, confidence (and a bit of a wild personality) is all it takes. I mean, I used to sell sex toys for crying out loud!

Bella Bands help 100% though!!

My husband has had his ileostomy for over a year now, and the only time our intimacy has suffered is just when he was first recovering from the operation (and the infection that came with it).

I suppose the best "tips" I have to offer are as follows:

-With potential partners, don't make a huge deal out of your bag and act like it disgusts you or you despise having it. I have found that our attitudes towards things can be contagious. Don't be afraid to have a sense of humor about it, and explain it to your partner like they are five years old, just to ensure that they understand and aren't needlessly afraid of it.

-If the bag gets in the way, just say "oops," and move it out of the way. Having the bag get in the way shouldn't be a reason to completely stop dead and get flustered - unless of course the bag has exploded or you've hurt your stoma.

-If you're with a partner and they are performing oral sex on you, just gently move the bag out of their way so they don't bang their head into it if they start getting wild. I've done that a number of times, and while it never grosses me out, I worry that I might have jarred his stoma or something

-Try out all sorts of different positions. Not only is this incredibly fun, but it teaches you what works for your own individual needs as far as maneuvering with your bag. So far, my husband and I haven't run into any problems, but everyone is different so I figure that this bears mentioning.

-Have a sense of humor with yourself, and treat the little noises the bag makes like any other bodily noise. Your bag is now a part of your body (for better or worse), and when the material makes a crinkling sound, or if you pass a bit of gas, it's no big deal. Just think of the crinkling bag noise as no different from the shuffling noise your clothing makes, or the sounds your joints make if they crack.

I'll post again if I think of more, but hopefully that should suffice for now.

Cheers to having good safe fun

Tiggy

......................It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye put out.....so watch out for those closure clips!!!!!     Ok, sorry but I couldn't resist

Mary Allison, I couldn't have said that better and when I am doing well, I teach Bible class. One smart woman, because on this site I found people that don't believe are the ones who really want to hurt other people, no matter how much you want to help them. I am no Jehovah's Witness or anything like that, I don't believe in pushing anything down anyone's throat, it's up to them to have faith and if they don't want it, let them have a miserable life, they made that choice, but hurting people shouldn't be a part of it. I read where a girl was trying so hard to explain herself and no one seemed to even try and understand her on this forum, I always say being a Christian is being Christ-like even if you don't believe. He was a good example for anyone to live by, just as a human being the short time he was on earth. Thank you so much for those words of wisdom, meant a lot to me. God bless you, love Jenny

......................It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye put out.....so watch out for those closure clips!!!!!     Ok, sorry but I couldn't resist        

Lol, so far I've been lucky. Good thing I usually have my eyes closed when I'm in the throes of passion!

Nice tips, Tiggy. You know, if you use the Velcro pouches, you don't have to worry about the clips.

Hey everyone, I have had my ileostomy since I was 15 (16 years now). I never had sex before that, and I gotta say, not once has anyone ever had a problem. I have had a very active sex life. I'm even the mother of a 10-year-old. I go on dating sites, meet men, and before it gets too far along, I tell them and let them ask questions. I also now explain that if they are into anal, that's not going to happen as that was removed in Oct. I try to make it light, but don't give up. Honestly, get out there, flirt, party, and have a good time with it. Most men don't really notice it. Sorry, boys, but sometimes you're a little oblivious, lol. I've even had a one-night stand or two back in the day. I hope this helps. Look how far we have all come from being sick?! Get out there and just do it.

I can understand why many often feel negative when it comes to intimacy. I think this can often result from personal experiences and a knock in self-esteem and confidence caused by others.

Since I had surgery in 2001 at the age of 26, I have strived to make the most of my (New Lease of) life and have achieved this by going back to university and studying for a nursing degree and have now been qualified as a Registered General Nurse for 2 years. I have also become a father of a beautiful 18-month-old son. So no one can say that I have not retained a positive attitude.

However, things have not always been so easy. I have had failed relationships, most often due to my ileostomy. And yes, I have often asked myself, "Is it me that has the problem rather than any prospective partner?" But on many occasions, I have been open and honest with any potential partner about my stoma so there are no hidden surprises, only to be met with rejection.

Then there have been times whereby I have kept my guard up until I have built up enough trust to confide in the other party, only to be faced with hurtful comments further into the relationship.

Yes, I know we can say that not every person we meet in life is going to be quite so shallow, and that I genuinely believe, but I often ask myself how many more knocks in my self-esteem can I take after building myself up from the last one. Some people are fortunate to have very supportive partners before, during, and after they have surgery, and to these people, I am pleased for. I just hope that those of us who have stomas and have had negative experiences find that same loving, supporting partner one day.

I would also like to add that I appreciate that there are people far worse off in life, and for this, I am grateful for the life and the supporting family that I have.

Mary Allison, I agree with you! Christopher, if you focus on helping others, you won't focus so much on your problems. I feel the pain in your words from your posts. I had my ileostomy when I was 18 years old. I am now 51. There are people who will accept you and your bag and people who won't. I talk freely about my bag and always have to anyone. I am not ashamed of it. It is a part of me. I consider my bag a "gift" of life and a "gift" from God. When someone scrunches up their nose in disgust or says "yewww" when I tell them about my bag, I feel sorry for them, not myself. And then I pray for them. I suspect Christopher that you decided long before you got your bag what you felt about it and about people who have them. I am sure that if the tables were turned, you would not entertain a relationship with anyone with a bag. I respect your honesty in your feelings about the whole thing. None of us would choose this. However, this is the only life I have and I'll be darned if I'm going to let the way I poop stop me from living it and enjoying it.

Well, the experience I have was the day before I went into the hospital for my completion proctocolectomy, me and my partner of 4 years split up. I knew it had been on the cards as he has never been the same with me since I had my ileostomy formed in September 2009, and now I think the thought of it being 'permanent' he couldn't handle it and fled! The only time I heard from him when I was in the hospital was 2 days after my operation. He texted and said, 'I have packed your stuff in boxes and you will need a transit van, can you get someone to pick it up? TA!' That was it! So I am now 5 weeks post-completion and in the future will be on the dating game. I have to say the intimate side of things scares the hell out of me as my confidence has taken a knock as he never wanted that side of things! So it will be a new experience for me, and I think that is what scares the hell out of me, but I also now know people who are like that aren't worth having in your life.

Blonde moment, my sentiments exactly!   I have been married twice.   As I said, I was 18 when I first got my ileostomy.   I was married at 19 and married for 8 years.   The bag was never a problem.   We were too young.   In between my first and second marriages, I dated a lot.   Only once did I have a problem with a guy.   I was hurt and mortified at first, but then I said to myself, I can let this person ruin my life or I can just let it go and realize that not everyone handles things the same way.   I let it go.   My second marriage, I was 31 and I had 2 children from that marriage.   The bag was never a problem there either.   He found his college sweetheart on a college blog and decided he needed to be with her.   That would have happened with or without the bag.   A jerk is a jerk no matter what the circumstances.   LOL.   Commitment today, unfortunately, is not what it used to be.

Hang in there!   I truly believe that God has a plan for us all, if not, none of us would be alive to be on this site to share our experiences.   Pat

I have been told by many people that he will need me before I need him!! And he was not worth having in my life.

Like you say, I am sure things in time will work out. I am trying not to let it rock my confidence too much, but I think it has a little, as dating seems to scare the hell out of me lol. But I am not sure if things will change once my confidence is back to full strength.

Kelly x

Hi Pamela,

I just wanted to thank you so much for your cranberry juice post. After reading it, I started drinking a glass a day and you are right, it works!!!! My kids thank you too! They say, "Mom, your poop smells so bad." LOL So from the bottom of my heart and the tip of my kids' nose, we thank you, dear lady!

Pat

I have read this thread over and over, and it irks me when I read the comments above. Surely this person, whom I do not know, is only stating a fact and is pouring out his innermost feelings.

Yes, Maryallison, you deserve to have tomatoes thrown at you, as you say, for bringing religion into this because Chris did not mention anything along those lines. I always struggle with people who make statements like "I do not want to be marginalized for my faith," but then continue on. Also, just sitting at a distance, Maryallison, I do not think Chris's comments regarding punishment had anything to do whatsoever with committing a crime or anything of the sort. He is just stating that he feels he is being punished. Not everything relates to the Holy Scriptures or has to be related to yours and others' belief that everything revolves around your deity.

This has nothing to do with the so-called Satan, whoever he may be. The only Satan here is if humankind does not believe that science and bodily functions are responsible for our well-being. And if all our ills are as a result of your God's will, then I am so glad I am in the other camp. I also saw in another post that someone's bag is a gift from God. I just wonder to myself if that is the case, is it not true that the only reason he gave them "a gift" is because he also gave them the problem? Just food for thought.

It constantly amazes me that some people of faith have this need to constantly put forward their beliefs when it is not the way others think. I am an atheist, but I don't have this need to advise others on my beliefs.

Ken

Wow, you don't need to attack people for their beliefs, especially if their faith gets them through their difficult times. This is a place and forum for help, comfort, guidance, etc. Not attacking. Shame on you.

Can't improve on this post... This forum is not designed to be "politically correct". If you come to a post you do not agree with, simply close that thread and go to another.
While I personally find atheism distasteful... I respect your right to your opinion. Let's keep things positive on here. Regards, mmsh

Wow, you don't need to attack people for their beliefs. This is a place and forum for help, comfort, guidance, etc. Not attacking. Shame on you.

To me, truer words have never been spoken... and they are your words... YOU DO NOT NEED TO ATTACK PEOPLE FOR THEIR BELIEFS... even if they are not the same as yours. THIS IS A PLACE FOR HELP, COMFORT, GUIDANCE... NOT ATTACKING. NEVER FOR SHAMING!!!!!!! Never...

;Shelia

Just back there a bit. I guess this is positive and does not attack others for their beliefs, or rather their lack of.

Shelia, I do not believe I was attacking him or his beliefs. Did you even read his post? I truly believe that Maryallison was trying to help him get over the feeling that he was being punished for something. This guy just reposted a snippet of what she said and did a long commentary on how people of faith irritate him. I did not attack his beliefs. If I attacked anything, it was his rudeness towards Maryallison and her beliefs.

Funny, I joined this site hoping to find some compassion, understanding and some helpful advice, tips, tricks, etc. I was thinking people in the same situation as I certainly would be all those things. I guess I was wrong. People are people with or without a bag. It's enough for me to try to get understanding and love from the "bagless" people of this world, let alone to join a site of "my own kind" so to speak and get hammered for my feelings and beliefs. I guess this is not the place for me after all. Good luck to all of you.