Dating with a bag: possible or not?

Sorry, I didn't get it.

Gar, you goof. I kinda don't think he was talking to you. But then again.........

Honest mistake. Hard to tell who's who without a program.

@ Darious, I know how you feel. I've written many people, and they will not reply! I don't understand why they say they are looking for friends and someone to chat with, yet when someone reaches out to them, they ignore you! What's the sense of having a profile here? I mean, they take the time to read the message, the least they could do is say they're not interested. Yes, for those of you that may not know, we can tell when you read our messages. So you reading and ignoring is ignorant. Those that ignore us, good luck in finding any friends. (I'm being sarcastic too). You know what, Darious? We deserve better anyway. Who wants a friend like that? But I don't care. I am done reaching out to people. Their loss. Those that met me and know me say I'm the sweetest friend. They sadly are either in a relationship or too old. So even if I were looking for a girlfriend, sadly things wouldn't work too well. But I never was looking for love, but friends to help make them feel better and happy. Those that ignore me, their loss. I don't need friends from here because most are too ignorant and not worth it. Hang in there, bro. You deserve much better anyway.

I don't understand it myself. I have been told a few have even messaged, given their off-site email - then never answer that. Me yelling at them here doesn't help. I have also been told that they may answer once here but not again. So it does seem a bit fishy. It would only be the polite thing to do to, at least, as you say, reply back you're not interested, or talking to someone else or you seemed nice but someone on here warned me against you. ANYTHING except ignoring the email. Plus, as you pointed out, you can tell if your message was read. I didn't know this at first myself. But it didn't matter because I always answer my messages. I also know you don't expect an answer the next day. You have waited a decent amount of time for a reply.

Just because we are on the internet does not mean we are exempt from following basic social etiquette guidelines. Though I know from experience, the majority of people seem to believe the internet does just that, exempt them from acting like decent humans. If a person says hello to you on the street in passing - would you ignore them? I never do, I smile, say hello and keep walking. And think how nice. It's the same with these messages. If you don't want to get into a big conversation, smile say hello and keep walking (in this case saying thank you but no thank you would suffice).

And girls, I am one of the "older" ones. I have gotten to know Lone Star and he is sweet, fun, intelligent and nice looking. He was only looking to help and make friends here. I emphasize friends because that is exactly all he wanted. If I wasn't one of the older ones - he would have never had a reason to write that post up there. Some of you missed out, that's for sure, even if you weren't looking for a relationship you missed out having a true friend.

Someone once said the following:

If you do the "right thing" for the wrong reason, it's no good, but if you do the "wrong thing" for the right reason, it's okay.

I am careful not to expect others to respond the way I respond, as the mystery of life is much bigger than my expectations. I have messaged many who have never replied, and that's okay — the lack of response tells me more than a "not completely sincere" polite response ever could.

That's debatable, but it is a quote to contemplate and it makes a good point in this instance.

I am not a mind-reader, but I think I'd be safe in saying there was a smidgen of hope that out of friendship love eternal would spring. However, offering friendship and help was not an ulterior motive.

But there is also legitimate frustration happening on a regular basis to many people on this site about not replying. True, it's affecting the younger members more than the older. My opinion is, the majority of angst about life's pitfalls disappears after a certain age. A lot of things don't bother us that would have at one time. But if someone is not polite enough to respond, I reserve the right to mentally call them whatever name I wish.

Being polite is the right thing to do under any circumstance. It doesn't matter if it's a guy messaging a girl, girl messaging a guy, guy messaging a guy, old woman messaging a young man, etc. If that is not true, then my parents and my teachers wasted 18 years pounding that into my head.

There's another saying about a leopard changing its spots; maybe being polite wasn't taught to the younger generations; trying to change the behavior now is futile.

Has anyone considered that responding may be impossible due to the fact that the recipient doesn't know how to respond? Not everyone is computer literate. And while it may be obvious to some that in order to enter the general chat room, you press on "General Chat". Some may not even realize that they have mail when it says so on the "Main Screen". Having taught Introduction to Microcomputers at two colleges, we can't assume that what is simple to one is easy for everyone. Some of the pupils were just too afraid to touch a computer in case they would break it. My advice: If you break it, they didn't build it right. If it stops working, turn it off then try the next one. Frustrated? Smash the keyboard. You may have to spend $10 (now $3 at the dollar store) to buy a new one, but it'll be worth it. Getting people, especially middle-aged, to overcome their fear was the hardest part of teaching that particular course. You give a three-year-old an iPad and they will just use it. Give it to someone middle-aged and that person will never get the full use out of it. So it may just be an issue of not knowing, afraid to make a mistake.

Just thought I'd throw that out.

Also, having a stoma can be a real kick in the gut to some people. It may make them rather trepidatious.

Ed

Yes, Ed, I sure did. I even said the same thing. I also came up with the argument that maybe they went to the hospital or don't visit the site that often. I always try to give someone the benefit of the doubt. That's when I was informed you can tell when a message is read or unread. (Which I had not seen until I was told about it). So knowing this, I thought it was a valid complaint - if they have figured out they have a message and read it, it's not that hard to press the reply button and reply.

I agree with you on the middle-aged and older being afraid of computers or not understanding how to do something. I am excellent on computers but have problems on some sites. I didn't realize the home screen and main menu screen showed different things at first. There are things I didn't discover on here for several weeks. I just found out last week that if you log off, you have better search options for ostomy-related topics.

I always check the new members' profiles. I didn't know you could tell someone checked your profile until a gentleman messaged me and thought that, because I checked his profile, I was interested in him. I answered him, but he got a little miffed at me because I was on a dating site and didn't have anything to say.

Sometimes I forget this is a dating site also.

Just another bit of information. Some people on here without a full membership simply don't know they can reply. I don't take it personally if someone does not respond because I have no idea what situation they are in physically or mentally. Some people are not ready to correspond even if they put that in their profile. To those who don't believe you can't meet anyone on here, I will tell you that I did over two years ago. We are still together and I know of quite a few on here that are in relationships. Personally, it has never mattered to me whether the other person had an ostomy or not. Cheers all!

You absolutely can date if you have a bag! Come on people, don't tell yourself such horrible things. I've had mine since I was 9, so I've had it through all of my dating history. Yes, some people are uncomfortable with it, but that's just further confirmation that they aren't the right person for you, and there is someone out there who will love you exactly as you are. Because, after all, that's what we are all looking for, isn't it?

My wife left me after surgery. I totally rejected. I was damaged goods with no future. Then I found a lovely woman that loves me for what I am. She accepted my bag straight away, even though she had never seen a stoma before. She even helped me start irrigating, which can be a bit daunting, even for a more experienced person. We now have a loving relationship. We are married and settled nicely. So you see, there is someone out there for you.

I am a free member and don't know how to reply to a message unless they give us a free point. I'm not ignoring or trying to be rude. :/

After reading a message in your inbox, click the reply button just above the message — you do not need a paid membership to do this, Autumn Dreamr. :)

Hey, I'm Christian Levarity. I like your post. Wanna be friends with you. I have had my colostomy all my life, living in the Bahamas. Not many people are in my situation, and supplies are limited. I am looking to move in the future as well. I am hoping to make friends with people in my situation, which would be nice! I also want to travel, so hit me up if you're looking for friendship.

Yay Autumn Dreamer - at least you said something. Hopefully now you can reply.

Welcome Christian!

Sup ;) Where are you from?

Hey Criiz, not much is up. I am from the U.S. You can click on anyone's name on here to check out their profile. Peace

I am having the same trouble with dating. Things are fine until they find out about the ostomy, then they start acting all weird on me until things just fall apart. One thing I can say is that if you do not have the ability to accept the bag yet, no one else will. You have to be comfortable with it. That is a hard thing to do... I have had an ostomy on and off for 7 years, and I am just now starting to be able to change it on my own because I don't really like to see it.

Hi alliejmw2,

You sent a wink to say hi, so here's hi.

So introductions are always hard, so I thought I'd comment on your post on dating.

I completely agree with you regarding oneself accepting the bag, and yes as a general rule people don't accept you if you don't accept yourself. But that applies not only to this horrible bag thing we have but to our personalities and who we are in life too. Just a thought... If someone likes you and does the dating thing with you, then is put off because of the bag thing... Then surely they are not worth it anyhow? By the way, I know about multiple operations too!

My name is Alastair. Pleased to meet you!

Hi there.

I have to agree with what you said. I'm heading for yet another surgery in a few weeks because the stoma went into my abdomen, so they have to do it over. Since I'm not a full member, I'm heading over to the general chat if you want to meet me there.

Allie

I'm having the same problem. My husband left me before my surgery for another woman in March 2011 but divorced Sept 4, 2013. I was having cramping pains in my stomach and I started throwing up, and I was throwing up a lot on Saturday night. Sunday, I went to the emergency room. I just got home today. I had a kink in my small intestine and I have an ileostomy. So glad to be home. But I have a full membership on this site, and I have no luck with nobody on here. I don't know if they're afraid to get to know you. I can't find people in my area. I just don't know what's going on with it.

Hi Pammer....and "all"...

I've been back in the dating pool, 2nd time around...for the last 20 years. Disclosing is never easy,

but I don't think of myself as "having a bag".... More like, I have an ostomy, like others have an anus.

Have to get rid of the waste somehow. It may turn some (men or women) off...and not make any difference to others. One has to kiss many a frog (or frogetts) before one finds his/her prince/princess. I'm seeing a very nice man currently, and he doesn't "see" my ostomy, or my scars, or stretch marks for that matter. I regard them all as my "badges of survival". However, I'm more conscious of my weight issue...than I am about the ostomy. But neither stop me from getting out there and meeting people. From what I heard, Mr. Right isn't going to end up on my doorstep.

So for any of you out there who want to chat....just write to me. I always answer...

And no...I'm not always upbeat and positive...A few days ago, I tripped over my bed frame, fell, bashed my shin...bled all over the carpeting and bathroom floor...had to call 911, was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I needed 6 stitches, but at least nothing broke. I'm adding still another scar to the ones I already have. And with dresses short and no stockings, that scar will be visible for all to see. :)) Best regards....

We used to say in Texas, "When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging." You're on your own, Bubba.

Hey everyone,

As a young single gal, it is a struggle to meet someone and then to tell them about the ostomy. Can anyone share a good way to do this? And what date is right? I feel like I have been able to have casual relationships and it wasn't a problem at all, but then again I wasn't thinking about a future with those people. So coming to my point, I had started dating someone and after 5 great dates and some hangouts with friends, I told him about my ostomy. Things had been heating up and it was something I needed to tell. Things felt different with this guy. He is someone I could definitely see myself with. He was even introducing me to all his friends the next day at a dinner party he was hosting. So when I told him Friday, it went okay, not great but okay... The mood changed for sure. But still, at the end of the night, he kissed me and said he would see me the next day. I met his friends on Saturday and it went well, but I do feel like he has been distant since I told him. My close friends have told me to give him time to digest what I told him. It is killing me though to wait to see what happens. If this is the reason it doesn't work out, I am pretty sure it is going to make me feel afraid to try to find someone again. Honestly, I want to reach out to him but at the same time, I feel like I should give him some space.

Oh well, please post your thoughts!!

Hi there CAMC

I hope you are well and this email finds you.

I am new to this site and have found it extremely useful in sharing experiences.
I read your email and can certainly relate to your current situation.
Just a bit of background on myself - I was 20 years old when I had a sudden bout of UC/CD - they still can't tell me but was quite ill over a 2-month period and was given a permanent ileostomy. My health ever since has been excellent.

As you would know, a big shock to the system at that age and the thoughts about meeting someone quickly diminish. It took me some time to gain the courage to date again and when I became close with someone and thought that I should reveal my situation, I quickly lost the courage to do so.
At the age of 25, I met my partner (later became my wife - now separated). She was the right person in my eyes and she definitely felt the same way about me. The most difficult part of the relationship was how I was going to tell her?

After reading your email, I think we have shared very similar experiences. My partner was curious as she had not known anyone with this condition. I recall sitting up all night with her quizzing me about my experience and how I managed and dealt with my condition. I too experienced the same distance from my partner but in the end, it was not an impediment on the relationship/marriage.

Give him some space and continue to talk to him.

I really hope things work out for you.

Take care and regards

Hi CAMC! I've definitely been in your shoes and I guess I've developed a "speech" for the occasion that I tailor to the person a bit (I dated a paramedic for a while and thought that might make it easier . . . but it didn't). I tend to do it pretty early on in a relationship. I'm an extremely honest person and I always feel like I'm lying to someone if I don't tell them about my ileostomy. I don't mean that I tell everyone--just in romantic relationships. Anyway, at the first sign that things are starting to get physical, I find a quiet time to talk. I often start by taking their hand and placing it over my ostomy (over top of my clothes) and I say that I don't want them to be shocked when the time comes that they see it. I tend to be very "matter of fact" about it because I find if I don't make a big deal about it, they don't either. Lately though, I have felt the need to expand that conversation a bit because my Crohn's disease is very severe and atypical and if I think there could be a future with us, I feel they need to know what they're getting into. I try to be balanced about the way I talk about it though. I stress that I am doing well now and that I have had some long remissions in the past but that there is no cure for this disease and I would be lying if I told them it wouldn't impact me again or that it doesn't impact me now. I feel that is the best way to go. Try not to harp on it or it will become all that you are. You may want to address this again with this guy you're seeing. He's had some time to think and react to what you told him. He may have more questions or not know how to go forward physically or he may be looking for an out, unfortunately. I've had that happen too and in those cases, it's best to just know that now and be done with it. I've learned that some people just can't handle it. Period! But they are usually the people that aren't as mature or settled in their lives or they're unrealistic about life and the fact that we all have our issues and we all get sick at some point. Hope that helps somehow.

Of course it is possible to 'date' with an ostomy!! I have had an ileostomy all my life, I am now 19, was in a long-term relationship for four years until I was 17, and have been with my current boyfriend just over 9 months. Something I feel a lot of people forget is that, even though you have had life-changing surgery, it has pretty much helped you get better, obviously, easy for me to say because I don't remember life without my pouch, but I have had friends go through the surgery and I know how difficult it can be. I personally think, when you meet someone who means something to you, just tell them, when you are ready of course! If they make rude comments or make you feel uncomfortable, then there should be no reason for you to give them the time of day. For me, my surgery saved my life. I have had incidents where people have been squeamish or rude, but I said, "This is me, take it or leave it." Just because you now have an ostomy doesn't mean you are restricted from anything in life, it just takes a little courage and the right person.

Hope this helps xxx

Hi there. I have had a colostomy since I was in grade school. When I got the colostomy, they had a support group for people with colostomies, but all the people were adults, not young people. So I had no one to talk to about things. So I grew up being very shy, afraid to go out with boys. Then in high school, I met this boy. I told him about my colostomy, and he didn't care. It never bothered him. It felt great being treated like I was normal. But we divorced after a while. Now I have a hard time finding a man who isn't afraid to be close to me. Now that I found this website, I hope I can make friends and meet people just like me.

I use bag bling to help me feel sexy again